I KNEW not rehashing THIS GIMMICK too soon would pay off. Belated happy new year everyone.
On Today’s Judge Judy:
A disturbing sixteenth minute of fame leads to talk shows, the Playboy Mansion, and the inevitable conclusion. This is the case of “Mine’s Bigger, and I Have the Tapes (and you have the bruises) to prove it.”
The plaintiff is Sean “X Pac Sucks” Waltman. Sean claims that on New Years Day, he was beaten to a bloody pulp in front of his children by his on-again, off-again girlfriend. He’s seeking... pffffft.... sorry, he’s seeking two thOUSAAAAHAAAHHAAA!! Wait, let me start again. He’s seeking two thousand dollars, the cost of his doctor bills and doobage that had to be flushed when the cops came.
The defendant is Joanie “I swear to Christ people have paid to see me naked” Lauer. She says the only reason he got invited to the Playboy Club was because she’s so beautiful and everyone loves her and he deserved it because, quote: “just look at him.” She also said other things but we’d all long left the room by that point. Let’s listen in as Judge Judy hears the case.
OK Bert, let’s get things rolling.
Your honor, before we start I...
AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!! DEAR MOTHER OF FUNK IT’S HI... UUHH... HERRUH... DON’T JUST STAND THERE BERT SHOOT IT!! SHOOT IT!!
Sorry Judge, only a stage gun. Remember the lawsuits from the first season?
Hahahaha, that’s right. “My judgement is for the plaintiff... to TAKE ONE IN THE BUTT CHEEK!” Good times, huh?
I did six months for that, your Honor.
But the blooper tapes did buy my lodge in Aspen, plus the looks on their faces...
Um... your Honor?
Well Bert, if it makes you feel any better... apparently I died this morning, and am now suffering in Hell. Court is in session. Do your worst Dark Lord.
Do I talk now?
May as well. Spit it out, Beefcake.
Oh you poor dear, is this bad woman suing you in your condition?
MMM!! HMMMM PMMMMMMFF!!
I’m so sorry. I can only imagine what you’ve been through. Bert, take the bandages off his face.
You got it judge.
Ooooh, OK... be careful Bert. He’s... there you go. Now they’re coming off quick. And that’s... just about got it.
Right. Get out of the way Bert. Now, what were you trying to say?
I said “I’m the plaintiff,” your Honor.
AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! IT’S NOT JUST HI... HE... IT... ITS... THEM! GOD HAS FORSAKEN US ALL!!
You know, just once I’d like a different reaction when we come in a room.
OK, the sooner we finish this the sooner I can start drinking away the memory. So how about it, door stop? Besides my anguish at the hands of the evil one, why are we here today? And for God's sake, get out of that chair.
Well, it all started when our sex tape was released...
I’m sorry you’ll have to start over. For a second I thought you said the two of you released a sex tape.
Right. And then...
I’m sorry. Continue. Oh, and Bert get Mis.. ter... Bert get the defendant a towel please.
Thank you judge
So anyway, we release the sex tape and...
Not this time.
Well, after the tape came out suddenly we were celebrities again.
“Again?” I think I’ve warned you about perjury in my courtroom before.
Oh right, sorry. Anyway, so we go to hang out at the Playboy Mansion and everything is going great. Then two things happened that turned it all into my nightmare.
And those were?
First, someone asked her how the tape was selling.
How is it selling?
Your Honor, a LOT of people have downloaded it. Everyone wants to see it.
Is that what I asked, A Boy’s Life? How many copies have you sold?
At last count... six.
Exceeded my expectations. You seen the tape yet Bert?
Not a chance, Your Honor. Just waiting for the Norm review like the rest of the world. Along with that review of the WCW book Barbwire Mike promised us months ago.
I hear you. What was the other thing?
Hef told her next time we make a video she can borrow his airbrushers.
He was very drunk.
Wasn’t he the lucky one?
At that point she lost it. She didn’t say another word at the party, and as soon as we got home and I asked what her and Hugh were talking about she starting unloading on me.
BERT!! That’s not nice. Act like a professional. Please continue Mr. Waltman.
…so then after I went on the Internet to tell everyone how she’d kicked my ass, she…
Oh… oh man, let me catch my breath. Jesus kid, you’re just a walking punchline aren’t you? So I take it you’re suing for pain and suffering, sissy?
Also your Honor, she said she’s more of a man than I’d ever be. Isn’t that slander too?
In this instance… no. No it is not.
Damn straight it's not Judge, and I can prove it. I’d like to introduce this screen shot into evidence.
What the unholy fu...
Consider this your warning, Long Joan Silver. You ever show me that picture again and I’m charging you with terrorism.
Don’t show me that lump in your throat and tell me you’ve got something stuck from lunch. OK tryke, as much as it pains me to say this… let’s hear what you have to say.
Thank you, your Honor. Well, first off… I’m beautiful, and becau…
THAT’S ALL I CAN TAKE! I’ll be back in a minute to render my decision… assuming I don’t blow my brains out to make the hurting stop first.
We now return to Judge Judy, who is ready to deliver her verdict.
First off, I’d like to point how lucky you two are that I’m not allowed to hand out death sentences over civil matters. Thank YOU Supreme Court.
Ruthie Ginsburg is jealous of your bod, judge.
Got that right Bert. Now after looking over the history of you two, and losing lunch two MORE times, it strikes me that the only time you two get in these situations… or for that matter get noticed by anyone at all… is when the two of you are together.
That’s true judge, but I LOVE HER AND I ALWAYS WILL!!
You know... that gets just a tiny bit creepier every single time you say it. Now, it is the order of the court the two of you must remain at least 1,000 yards away from each other at all times... except your sex organs, which must keep a distance of at least 2,000 yards.
All of mankind thanks you for your wisdom, judge.
THAT'S NOT FAIR!!
Ug! I've heard retard boy bands that harmonize better... Oh God, I better not have given you any ideas. I FURTHER ORDER THAT NEITHER OF YOU MAY EVER RECORD MUSIC AS A SINGLES ACT OR DUO, under penalty of me hunting you down with my 12-guage "justice stick." Now get the hell out of here right now. Bert, who do we have next?
The case of Dawn Marie vs. Jasmin St. Claire, your Honor.
Jesus Christ on a popsicle stick, Bert... are you SURE there's not a real gun in storage somewhere?
Much love to DK for finding the body cast pic, and manbabies to Shaun for the movie puke shots and saving my sanity by making the umbrella graphic