Be prepared to cross some borders, because Angel Ramirez Batista Guzman-Perez de la Cruz Gomez is taking you down to Mexico. I live in Miami, Florida, and we get a lot of Spanish-speaking television stations here. One of them Galavision, and it broadcasts a weekly show with matches from two of Mexico’s star promotions, el Consejo Mundial de Lucha Libre (CMLL) and Asistencia Asesoria y Administracion (AAA). I believe that with the growing acknowledgement of Mexican wrestling on American TV, especially in TNA with the America’s X Cup promoting AAA stars, it’s about time you gringos got exposed to how the Mexican product is presented in its original element, and even though I’m Cuban, that shouldn’t stop me. The way Galavision presents the show usually is with an hour of CMLL, followed by another hour of AAA. Today though, they’re only showing CMLL as they need an extra hour for a marathon of some comedy show where they fall down a lot and make innuendos at scantily clad women. Ahh, highbrow Latino humor. I promise to make this an interesting insight into both pro wrestling and the Mexican culture itself. Don’t worry, I’ll translate everything you need to know. If you want to familiarize yourself more with lucha outside of this, then I recommend going to VivaLaLuchaLibre.net, that has some recaps of previous shows and a list of “Who’s Who” in CMLL, as well as La Arena, which has a glossary of important terms and in-depth profiles of many luchadores. ¡Vamos, adelante!

CMLL starts today with some mighty fine chicks dancing. If you’re totally new to Spanish speaking television, you need to learn that apparently no Latino program is complete without some chicks shaking their ba-donk-a-donk, and pro wrestling is no exception it seems. Both AAA and CMLL have a staff of models (“edecanes”) whose job it is to accompany wrestlers to the ring, bring out cards showing which fall of the match it is, like American boxing round girls, and, oh yeah, to shake that thang. At least in Mexico, they don’t try to BS you about what’s shameless eye candy and what’s not.

After the first commercial break (get used to it now, there’s gonna be a bunch), we have quick backstage segment with Tarzan Boy, who’s the pretty-boy third of one of the hottest trios in CMLL, Los Guerreros Del Infierno (The Warriors of The Inferno). He’s approached by the solid black mask and singlet-wearing Averno. Apparently Averno and his partner, Mephisto, who wears a matching all-red uniform (Don’t touch the wire leads! It’ll ruin the battery!), are set to join Tarzan Boy in a 6-man tag match tonight. Tarzan Boy makes sure to voice his lack of confidence in Averno because just several weeks ago, they betrayed they’re partner and mentor, Satanico. Betraying one’s elders and mentors is HIGHLY looked down upon (whoa…that’s kind of oxymoronic…) in Mexico and those who do are viewed as the vilest trash. Averno offers his word that they don’t need to worry, as they will cooperate fully. Mephisto comes in and says that Tarzan should now how Satanico is (Los Guerreros allied themselves with Satanico at one point, but betrayed him as well…I guess in not such a TRAITOROUS way, maybe.), and should know that with their rising fame it was time to break away from his shadow.

Okay, now, before the matches start, let me lay down some ground rules about lucha libre, at least as far as CMLL goes. Almost every match, no matter what stipulations, is 2 out of three falls. In a tag match the fall is won if either the captain is pinned or submitted or two other team members are. This means a ring style with a lot less psychology and finishes with moves that wouldn’t be considered believable finishers in America. A lot of Mexican wrestlers use a simple power bomb as a finisher still. Also, the whole concept of heel/face is very different in Mexico. The closest equivalent of the “face” would be what’s referred to as “tecnico”. This means a wrestler usually uses a more technical style and less brawling, and plays the face role. The “heel” so to speak, is the “rudo”. Lots of brawling, lots of taunting, lots of low blows (“un faul”; pronounced “foul”) when the ref isn’t looking. Now, just because these are the closest approximations to the American counterparts does not mean they work the crowd the same way. Often in Mexico the crowd has an even division of people who cheer for rudos and cheer for tecnicos, sometimes the rudo fans even outnumbering the tecnicos. You’ll see plenty of people in the audience in CMLL shows who proudly boast “1000% Rudo” t-shirts, hats, and noisemakers. Wrestlers not restraining themselves to heel or face make for a wider possibility of different match-ups between tecnico and tecnico or rudo and rudo and the crowd can still pick which to cheer for.

Two of our announcers, Leobardo Magadan and Miguel Linares take a little bit to talk about upcoming matches in the future and event leading up to now. You’ll notice that they mention that this is the first event of 2004 for CMLL. No, the bookers aren’t really lazy, but what we see in the U.S. is several months behind what Mexico sees. I guess dubbing the footage into English takes a long ti—wait a minute…Uh, first match time!

Tarzan Boy (captain), Mephisto, and Averno (rudos) vs. Atlantis (captain)(w/Que Monito), Volador Jr, and SUPER PORKY!!! (tecnicos)

Mephisto comes out doing the RVD thumbs. Perhaps if we were as stoned as RVD is a lot of the time, we might see a resemblance… Super Porky is living proof of the theory that fat guy = entertainment as he wows us with his in-ring arsenal of running belly-first into people and then falling on them. Woowee.

…And before you ask, yes, there’s a midget in a blue monkey costume standing at ringside. Don’t ask. For God’s sake, DON’T ASK!

FIRST FALL: It’s BEDLAM to start as each rudo grabs his own tecnico to play with. After Volador falls out of the ring from an Averno attack, things calm down enough for the camera to focus on Tarzan Boy whipping Atlantis to the ropes and then knocking him down with a lariat. Tarzan then drops an elbow, picks him up, and delivers an open-handed chop to the chest. Atlantis rolls out of the ring. Now all three rudos team up on Super Porky, a man who looks like he ATE three rudos before coming to the show tonight, as Averno holds him from behind and Mephisto and Tarzan try desperately to faze somehow the sheer density and volume of flesh with boots and chops. We see some rather graceful editing as the camera shot switches to the monkey and then to the crowd, and back in the ring where know Porky is being slapped off the Apron by Mephisto and Atlantis is being whipped to the opposite corner by Averno and Tarzan Boy. Averno hits a lariat in the corner, followed by Mephisto and Tarzan who charge, slide out of the ring behind Atlantis, grab his legs, trip him, and give his coin purse a little jingle on the ring post.

Back in the ring, Volador is in and gets a boot to the tortilla basket and a forearm club from Averno. Mephisto joins and helps whip him to the ropes and into a Tarzan Boy reverse elbow. Tarzan grabs his legs and pulls, causing him to reverse roll to his feet and get whipped to the waiting Positive and Negative, who hit a double hiptoss, but they’re near enough to the ropes that Volador’s legs hit the top rope and bounce off, so they just drop him face first. The most electrified move in lucha libre! Don’t worry, I already groaned for you. Tarzan Boy gets in the top rope and comes off with a superb missile dropkick to Volador’s chest, being held in place by Averno and Mephisto. The two aforementioned rudos dogpile him to cover and get the 3 to eliminate one team member. Porky manages to get his festively plump frame between the ropes to get in the ring, and Positive and Negative run to him like iron to a really fat magnet. They whip him to the ropes and Tarzan lays down for Porky to try and lift his pork butts high enough to step over, and then the second rope rebound yields Averno and Mephisto combining their powers to create a magnetic field strong enough to lift Porky and send him crashing and jiggling down to the mat, thus reviving several inactive fault lines in the area. Tarzan hits the ropes and comes off with a leg drop across Porky’s manmaries, which is enough along with a three-man dogpile to pin him for the first fall rudo victory!

Back from commercial! I GOTTA buy myself some of those “greatest bullfighting accidents” DVDs…That, my friends, is money well spent. For some reason before getting to the next fall we have an interlude of MORE dancing edecanes. Gotta get your daily serving of Vitamin Ass, kids.

SECOND FALL: It’s now Atlantis’ turn for a brutal rudo love session, as he gets whipped to the ropes and into a triple boot. Atlantis rolls out of the ring, and Super Porky, the man with 100% DVI Vitamin Ass with a side dish, comes in to get some lariats in the corner. I’m not really sure if he fell over from the lariats…or because his heart pumps pure bacon grease. After some shots of the edecán announcing the second fall and me suffering a short bout of a Mexican disease known as El Bonérr, we see Volador is getting some very cheap reconstructive facial surgery performed by Dr. Tarzan Boy’s Elbow. The camera switches back to the guapa as the tecnicos make a comeback I can’t really be sure of because the only fight I can see right now is between the elastic of my shorts and tension.

Now Atlantis is beating up on Tarzan Boy as Porky inflicts some Corpulent Violence on Mephisto. Volador mugs for the crowd before charging with a yakuza kick in the corner on Averno. Averno rolls out of the ring but Volador follows. Averno begs off, but gets his nipples chopped off. Back in the ring Atlantis now whips TARZAN off the ropes and hits a lariat. Ow, Atlantis picks him up and then socks him right in the throat, sending him out of the ring. Atlantis knows Tarzan Boy can’t be outside the ring without a chaperone so he follows and elbows him in the jaw. Averno is still out there and makes the save, whisking him back to their corner. Porky and Mephisto are in the ring, and the chants for Porky are pretty substantial. The Latino culture likes a man who’s well fed. Mephisto flexes his biceps and offers Porky to feel them. He does, but then smacks him in the jaw like a bitch. Averno is in, and delivers some chops to Porky, and tries to hiptoss him like a dumbass. Mephisto comes in and tries to help, and they lift Porky up, but Porky BACKFLIPS to his feet to get out of it! Vader he is not, but that’s still cool. He gets whipped to the corner anyway, and Averno tries a blind charge but Porky gets out of the way and Averno conks his head on the turnbuckle. Porky belly-bumps Mephisto down, and then gets a Yakuza kick to the head from Averno. Mephisto and Averno whip him again off the ropes and both lay down, but Porky just does what he does best and falls down on them both. Volador is in and uses a leaping variant of a sunset flips on Averno as Mephisto tries to SUNSET FLIP PORKY! Ass + chest = Porky pinning Mephisto as Averno gets pinned to give tie up the game for the tecnicos!
Before the next fall officially starts Atlantis beats up on Tarzan outside the ring, but Averno makes the save again, because he TOLD Tarzan Man and Tarzan Woman that HE would be the chaperone tonight! Averno holds Atlantis in place and Tarzan charges with a chop, but Atlantis ducks and Averno gets it. Tarzan turns around and gets scoop slammed on the floor (mind you, there aren’t even any mats at all covering this floor). Volador looks like he has Mephisto in place for a Mexican surfboard in the ring, but…THE MONKEY IS IN THE RING! Volador holds Mephisto in place so he can get smacked by the blue monkey (WOW that sounds gay!) The tecnicos pose in the ring as Mephisto lies humiliated on the mat.
THIRD FALL: I have a relapse of El Bonérr when the third fall is announced, but I’m okay now. Averno and Volador are in the ring. Volador hits the ropes, Averno lies down, and the gets up on the second rebound to flapjack Volador up high and down hard. Positive and Negative high-five, causing a short circuit. Averno recovers soon enough to chop Volador. He whips him off the ropes and tries the flapjack again but Volador gets his feet on Averno’s shoulders and pushes off, backflipping in mid-air onto his feet, hits the ropes again and scores a quick hurracanrana takedown. Averno slides out of the ring, and Volador looks like he might dive out and hits the ropes, but Mephisto is in and tries a lariat that Volador ducks. Volador then hand springs and hits the ropes leg first Tajiri-style and then back handsprings to the center of the ring to get a huge chop from Mephisto. Volador rests against the ropes and Mephisto charges, but gets back body dropped over. Mephisto lands on his feet on the apron so Volador runs to the opposite ropes, charges and then slides between Mephisto’s legs. Mephisto kicks him away and tries an Asai moonsault, but Volador grabs his legs and YANKS him down sending his face into the apron. Volador gets back in and taunts to the crowd but is then accosted by Tarzan Boy, who hits some chops. A lariat misses and Volador hits the OWEN HART ENZIGURI OF DEATH. Apparently in Mexico it’s only known as a “martial arts kick”. Now Averno’s in and tries another lariat that misses, tries a whirl backbreaker but gets arm-dragged out of it. Averno tumbles out of the ring, so Volador (meaning “flier”) gets on the apron and is true to his name with an immaculate Asai moonsault landing nailing Averno and then landing on his feet! Mephisto looks on in the ring, but don’t turn around! Porky has a loaded ass and is not afraid to use it! He turns around, hits the ropes and then gets back body dropped by a rather big body. Belly bump sends Mephisto out. WHAT IS PORKY DOING ON THE APRON?!? Averno and Mephisto are stomping a mud hole in Volador, but Porky just tells them to SHHH, seriously, he waves his arms at them going “SHHHH”…so he can PLANCHA ALL THREE! The most body a TV screen has ever held. Atlantis and Tarzan try to sort out the chaos and are chopping like mad at each other. Tarzan shoulder blocks Atlantis and hits the ropes, but Atlantis leap frogs him, and gets on his back preparing to monkey flip him on the rebound, but Tarzan sees this and pins his legs to get the three for the rudo win! RUDO RUDO RUDOOOO!

RATING: 3/5 – The start was a little slow, but then it got nice and exciting, with some good action from everyone involved, and a surprising amount from Porky. Say what you will about fat men in wrestling, but Porky is always entertaining. CMLL doesn’t make the Rikishi mistake by trying to push him as a legitimate contender to titles and such, no way, he’s the comedy fat guy through and through. And we couldn’t ask any more of him. Tarzan looked really nice as always, and I don’t mean his tight abs…well, not just…

After even MORE jiggling and dancing from CMLL’s resident boob squad, we get to see CMLL’s regular segment “Momentos Estelares” (Star moments), highlights from matches during the week at house shows, etc, or televised shows from the previous week, which is an awesome way to let the lesser guys gets some TV exposure. WWE would try something like this, but HHH says admitting that house shows exist exposes the business. First we see spectacular simultaneous dives as Ultimo Dragoncito (mini versions of popular superstars are a common practice in Mexico) hits a flipping senton on one opponent as Fantasy hits a tope suicida on another. Next is a double finisher spot as one rudo in a camouflage mask (no idea as to the name) submits one opponent as another hits a Vallaguesa (check La Arena’s glossary, it’s kind of hard to describe). We have two tecnicos being simultaneously splashed by Dr. X and Sangre Azteca, Black Warrior FOULING Volador Jr. last week to pin him from last week’s broadcast (check my recap of it on the SSP board), and Hijo de Perro Aguayo attempting and failing a tombstone on Universo Dos Mil due to interference from his brother, Mascara Año Dos Mil, which segues into the next match.

Time for EL MAIN-O EVENT-O!

Cien Caras, Mascara Año Dos Mil, Universo Dos Mil (captain) (All three known as “Los Hermanos Dinamita”[Dynamite Brothers. WHEE, BRACKETS!]) and Apolo Dantés (rudos) vs. Shocker (captain), Mascara Magica, El Terrible, (All three “Los Guapos”[Handsome ones]) and Hijo de Perro Aguayo (tecnicos)

Mascara Año Dos Mil and Mascara Magica, whom both have the word for “mask” in their names, do not have masks. For some reason they did not find it necessary to change their names after they were unmasked, so I don’t see any reason to either.

It’s a good thing I know how to type the ñ, because without that accent mark in Mascara Año Dos Mil, it goes from meaning “Mask Year 2000” to “Mask Anus 2000”. Be aware of that.

FIRST FALL: Universo attacks Hijo de Perro outside the ring as he makes his entrance, and the tecnicos come out making the save. The chaos goes into the ring and the refs try to restrain everyone as Universo continues to beat on him. Universo backs him against the ropes and tries a lariat, but Perro ducks and he’s sent over and out by his own momentum. Perro follows and returns the beatdown, being followed by his other three teammates in a big Benny Hill chase when the other hermanos and Apolo come and stop them. Universo and Perrito brawl up the ramp, and we finally get just two in the ring as Mascara Magica and Mask Anus trash talk each other and then exchange some chops. Good to know Mexico realizes the meaninglessness of a lockup in a pro wrestling match these days. Anus hits the ropes, Magica lies down on the first rebound, leapfrogs the second, bounces off the ropes himself and then runs into a lariat. The Man of 2000 anuses poses and then chops and whips, but Magica reverses and back body drops him. He then runs to the ropes nearest Año and springboards off the second rope into an arm drag. He then springboards off the second rope again into a dropkick. Año rolls out of the ring and runs for DEAR LIFE knowing Magica was going to try a dive. Perrito and Universo square off, and blind charges with a dropkick that Universo easily side steps. A chop is followed by a whip that is reversed, and Perrito drops his head only to have it yanked by the hair onto the mat. ANOTHER chop and whip. Perrito comes off the ropes like a bat out of hell, ducks a lariat, and then smacks Universo loopy with a kangaroo dropkick right to the side of the head, naturally making Universo roll out of the ring. Perro hits the ropes and fakes a dive, but he simply steps out onto the apron, and then hits a running seated senton splash!

DICK TO THE MOUTH! DICK TO THE MOUTH! DICK TO THE MOUTH!

Now Shocker and the AnusYear blimp are chopping off. Shocker is knocked to one knee by Año’s chops, but he sucks it up as well as the crowd’s adulation, but then gets hit with a shoulder block that literally knocks him for a loop. Shocker gets back up and this time absorbs the shoulder block, asks Año for more, eats a lariat and shits it back out in the form of a slap to Año’s face. He tries a lariat again, but Shocker catches the arm, turns it into a hammerlock, drapes his leg over MA2000’s head, and rolls it into a pinning combination/submission hold that keeps Año’s shoulders down long enough for 3. Apolo Dantés tries to make the save but gets caught by Mascara Magica who cinches in a butterfly lock on the prostrate Dantés to make him submit to give the tecnicos the first fall! All the Guapos (who have really nice matching tights) pose in the ring, and Hijo de Perro Aguayo confronts Universo outside the ring.
SECOND FALL: We start with Perrito and Universo toe-to-toe again. Universo taunts the crowd but Perrito runs up behind him and kicks him in the ass, knocking him down and then unleashing the fury of a thousand Chihuahuas on him. Universo reverses a whip and tries a hiptoss, but Perro reverses it into an arm drag. An incensed Universo gets up and runs into another arm drag before getting up and kneeing Perrito in the gut, backing him into the corner and missing a blind charge and stumbling into another kangaroo dropkick. Universo rolls out and Perrito tries a dive but all three of the other rudos catch him and beat him down, causing the other tecnicos to come in, causing more mayhem and bedlam before Perrito is isolated and becomes the recipient of this week’s grand prize: a complimentary Hermanos Dinamita Beatdown™. Shocker and Mascara Magica come in and try to do something about it but get boots to the gut and a mud hole stomped in them. Perro is held in place by Mascara Año Dos Mil as he gets punches and kicks to the chest from Cien Caras and Universo. Then he gets whipped to Apolo Dantés, who back body drops him over and out onto the cold, cold ground. Mascara Magica gets back in only to receive a fireman’s carry slam from Apolo Dantés and a powerbomb from Universo. Cien Caras picks him up and scoop slams him down so Año can follow with a Big Splash to pin him for three. Shocker and El Terible are in, but just as soon get whipped into each other. Universo whips Shocker to the ropes and Año boots him in the gut again. Terible falls victim to a Cien Caras lariat, if you can call gingerly throwing one’s forearm somewhere near the guy’s throat a lariat. Shocker is scoop slammed. Mascara Año Dos Mil and Apolo Dantés both mount opposite turnbuckles. We get a neat split-screen effect as both come off with a splash to pin them both for three. Tie game!
THIRD FALL: Black bikini black bikini black bikini DOUBLE BACK BODY DROP ON TERIBLE! Agh! Don’t cut away just yet! Oh, hell. Terible is back body dropped again by Dantés this time and then elbow dropped by Universo. Terible is double-booted and rolls out of the ring. Perrito yanks Universo out of the ring and unloads a stompin’-stompin’ as the Guapos make a comeback on los Hermanos back in! Perrito throws Universo head-first into the first row seats, and then the ring post. Ew, I think that’s the same one Atlantis’ crotch was on! Crotch-face gets picked up by Hijo de Perro and Shocker to get his OWN manbags smashed in. Mascara Año Dos Mil gets the same treatment, and all the while the ref is counting. Perrito and Universo are in to break the count, and Perrito plays the crowd to a man-sized pop. Cien Caras on the outside looks like a dog that just had a bath and is looking for something smelly to roll in. Universo begs off but Perrito kicks him straight in the chest and lays some fists in his masked cranium, and tries to tear at his mask, but Cien Caras comes in a knocks him off. Terible comes in and knocks him down with a flying shoulder tackle. Both are up and Terible tries another attack but Cien Caras sidesteps, hits the ropes, but Terible moves out of the way and Cien Caras goes out of the ring. Terible looks like he may do something but gets a boot from Dantés and Año Dos Mil. Shocker runs in and gets drop-toeheld (toeholded?) into the second turnbuckle by Dantés. They divert their attention to Mascara Magica, whipping him to the ropes and trying a double lariat, but Mascara ducks and on the second rebound leapfrogs over Dantés and dropkicks Año out of the ring. Shocker backdrops Apolo Dantés out of the ring. Mascara Magica really is magic as he levitates Shocker out of the ring and onto Mascara Año Dos Mil, at the same time hitting a tope suicida on Apolo Dantés! In the ring the announcers fill us in that Terible missed a dropkick on Cien Caras as we see him whipped into the corner chest first. He catches himself, Cien charges and Terible jumps onto the second rope, over and behind him, backward-rolling to his feet, all that to just get kick in the stomach. Cien charges again and gets drop-toeheld, perhaps INTENDING for his face to go into the turnbuckles, but he just falls on the mat. Terible locks on a half crab, ignoring the ropes, as Hijo de Perro comes off the top with a cross body on the charging Universo. Perrito charges again but since the ref is distracted by Terible, Universo goes ahead and lays a boot right in the Perrito’s maracas to pin him for three! NASTY! Cien Caras schoolboys Mascara Magica to pin him as well to give the match to the rudos! ¡El BOO!

RATING: 2/5 – Eccch, Hijo de Perro Aguayo is an awesome young talent just filled with energy, just BURSTING with energy, and Shocker is awesome, don’t get me wrong, I love Shocker, I got his autograph at an LXW show and he was really cool and nice, but Los Hermanos Dinamita really slowed down the match, and their mobility limited to just punches, kicks and a splash really just restricted the match to rudo brawling and then some signature moves to get to the pin. The rest of the team members kind of took a back seat to Universo and Perrito, seemingly just there as an excuse for them to face each other without blowing the big singles match before a PPV. Trust me, Shocker, Los Guapos, and Hijo se Perro Aguayo are capable of much better matches, as we’ll hopefully see in the future.

Afterwards, Universo cuts a promo on Hijo de Perro, telling him that he’s been embarrassed in front of his father (lucha legend Pedro el Perro Aguayo), and that it didn’t help him at all to be accompanied by a trio of maricones (I’m pretty sure most of you know what that means). Not even with his father or with the trio of fags could he beat Los Hermanos Dinamita, because they’re from the lakes, where the real men are from. Short, sweet, and to the point.

And with another bout of gyration, CMLL for today ends. Next week we are promised Ultimo Guerrero, Rey Bucanero (The other two thirds of Los Guerreros del Infierno), Atlantis, Mephisto, Satanico, and L.A. Park! That’s WCW’s La Parka, having been renamed due to a copyright issue with AAA who owns the rights to the Parka name, but don’t be mistaken, he’s still the same dancin’ foo’ he ever was.

So that’s all for this week, please tune in again next Saturday with me, Angel (Ramirez Batista Guzman-Perez de la Cruz) Gomez, so I can bring you an hour of CMLL, PLUS AAA action! I can only hope to continue to broaden your horizons and expose you to a completely new spectrum of professional wrestling as done by our friends down Tijuana way. Today we learned that lucha libre is NOT just tiny brown people in masks jumping around. Some of them don’t have masks. Until then, adios, y ¡VIVA LA LUCHA!