Hey kids! Remember about two months ago I posted a "What's Going On?" and said I'd be trying to do one on a weekly basis? Yeah, me either.
But I'm here now baby, so let's just enjoy each other's company and see where this goes. (You'd be amazed how many times that line has gotten me laid.)*
On Sunday, February 25th, in Philadelphia, PA, Brock Lesnar will defend his coveted WWE title against his most fearsome (snicker) opponent to date: BOB HOLLY.
That's not a typo folks: BOB MOTHERFUCKING HOLLY. AKA Hardcore Holly, Bodacious Bob (or Bombastic Bob, I forget which and don't care enough to look it up) Bob "Sparkplug" Holly, and perhaps most embarrassingly of all: THURMAN "SPARKY" PLUGG. Yes, when Bob Holly first entered the WWF, he did so as "Two-sport athlete Thurman "Sparky" Plugg." You see, he was a wrestler and a RACECAR DRIVER. Ironically enough, he never won any races or any matches. He was a two-sport loser. So after 15 years of laying down for every wrestler on the WWF roster, he's finally wrestling Brock Lesnar for the WWE title.
You see, Brock and Bob have a score to settle. Seems old Bob was being a dick and not cooperating with Brock during one of their televised matches. So Brock did the only thing he could do. He broke Bob's neck. FO REAL YO. The funny thing is, nobody cares about Bob Holly's neck being broken, because nobody, in fact, cares about Bob Holly. Not even his mother.
Yet the WWE has seen fit to build an angle and a WWE title defense around said broken neck. And as my longtime friend and WWF/E Fan Frank said "Bob Holly wrestling for the title? That just doesn't make sense." Truer words have never been spoken.
Now granted, this is the Royal Rumble, so any other match automatically takes a back seat to the big 30-man extravaganza. But still... Bob Holly? Wasn't King Mabel available? He was much more beloved than Bob Holly. After all, he sported a bleach-blonde mohawk, lip-synched poorly-written old-school raps and wore an 10XL purple lamé jumpsuit to the ring. What's not to love?
Bob Holly will not win the WWE title. I am 100% certain of this. Let me go on record with this bold proclamation:
My contention: Bob Holly is not only the least-qualified wrestler to ever wrestle for the WWE title, but the least qualified Holly as well. There are several Hollies that I'd rather see wrestling for the WWE title:
To back up my contention that Bob Holly should never wrestle for the WWE title, I began developing a intricate computer program that examines the movesets, win/loss records and prior matches of both Bob and Brock, feeds all of that information into a database, then calculates every conceivable match scenario. After days and days of exhaustive work, I finally completed the program, which after 8 seconds of computing produced this: Result: Lesnar defeats Holly via pinfall at the :03 mark.
Undaunted, I decided to feed some new information into the database to see if I could give Bob an advantage.
Unaffected by the loss of one arm, Lesnar pauses a second to scratch his ass, then immediately pins Holly. Result: Lesnar defeats Holly via pinfall at the :04 mark.
After entering the ring, Holly produces a NES controller from his jeans, enters UP, DOWN, UP, DOWN, LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT, RIGHT, A, B, A, B and then hits START. Now he squares off against Lesnar with 30 extra lives. Surely the WWE title will be his! Result: Lesnar defeats Holly via 15 pinfalls, 8 submissions, 5 count-outs and 2 disqualifications at the 1:46 mark.
Bob recruits the help of the alien symbiote that once bonded with Eddie Brock to become the destructive, ultra-violent Venom. With his physical strength magnified many times over and a near invulnerability to pain, Venom-Bob is sure to claim the WWE title! Result: The symbiote suffers 8 seconds of public embarrassment after the crowd begins to mock him for choosing Bob Holly as his human host. The symbiote quickly abandons Holly, and finds a much more suitable host in ringside V.I. P. Donovan McNabb. Lesnar goes on to pin Holly at the :12 mark. Additionally, Venom-McNabb, powered by his awe-inspiring symbiotic afro, tears through the rest of the NFL, easily claiming a Super Bowl victory
Granted complete invulnerability for a full thirty seconds, Holly will do everything in his power to gain an early advantage and capitalize on it with THE BEST DROPKICK IN THE BUSINESS, scoring a pinfall and taking home the gold. Result: Even though he is invulnerable, Holly is unable to score any offense, because he only knows one move: THE BEST DROPKICK IN THE BUSINESS. After his thirty seconds of invulnerability wear off, Lesnar pins him at the :34 second mark.
Armed with the power to alter the very fabric of time and reality, Holly strides to the ring, confident that he will at last taste the sweet success of his first world title. The Infinity Gauntlet, the most power artifact in the Marvel Universe can change anything. The basic laws of time, space and physics no longer apply. Unfortunately for Bob Holly, not even this amount of god-like power can change the fact that
I think we're done here. Fuck you Bob Holly.
E-mail me, you fucking bitches.
*It's never gotten me laid.