Ironically, this is more because I’m upset at “Buffy” than wrestling. But since we don’t have complete archives at present this one has a new “timeliness” to it.
But first, just like in the original we begin with a shill to THE RING POST (sadly, the one after that was to Brooklyn Hookers. I still miss the hell out of you, bro). New Annie, New Zenk, New Jonny, TWO new Gingers… anything else? Oh yeah, how about a BRAND NEW LOW BLOW FOR YOUR ASS!! Not only that, but if you’d told me two years ago one day this would be the topic I’d have called you a retard (which I think I’ll do anyway… “retard”). I… I feel so dirty. Find out why, BOOKMARK AND CHECK BACK EVERY 6 MINUTES!! Of course, you can also find it along with an exclusive Vince Russo interview, NWA Wildside TV recaps, and Phire at WRESTLING OUTLAWS.
On the subject of “timeliness”, how about that banner? The ink aint even dry on his faxed release and already that goodness is in my mailbox. Thanks a shitload to BigBoxxyBucker… er, wait… BigBootsyBertrude… actually BertyBigBollox! Thanks, 3-B… that one really cracked me up.
Fucking GREAT week for the board. Great work everybody, and when FsB is in “machine” mode we’re at our very best.
Anything else? Oh yeah, HAPPY 21ST BIRTHDAY MMN!!! Man are you going to be hung over Sunday.
Ready? Let’s talk ASSHOLES!!
This week the PTC, fresh off their apology and payout of millions to the WWE for slandering them, is back on the warpath. They have just released their “Best and Worst” shows for the year of our Lord 2002, and lo and behold they’re once again calling wrestling the new pornography. After already going on the offensive a few weeks ago with some shots out of nowhere, they not only bash it again after saying they were wrong about everything, but also show it the total disrespect of having it way down at NUMBER 5! What a diss. And what’s number 1, you ask? That’s right… BUFFY!! You know why? Because it “embraces the occult”. That’s real cute when you consider one of the BEST shows for family viewing is “Sabrina the Teenage Witcch”. Yeah, I love the part in the Bible where the witches cast spells to get dates and be popular because they’re so moral. Dipshits.
I have a LOT to say about these mother fucks… fortunately for me, I’ve already said it. LAST year when this list came out I was compelled to strike back. And when I say “strike back”, I mean “in their faces”. To be SURE that members of the PTC read this I had a couple of readers send it to them under the guise of being concerned parents who walked in on their kid reading this “smut” (happened to notice the picture of Brent… hehehe, I’m such a scamp). Now, you get it again. Be forewarned… some of the membership may have changed and I’m too lazy to update that part, so enjoy. It still gives you a pretty good insight into what these turds are really about:
I’m armed for bear today, which not coincidentally is the symbol of Communist Russia. But first, as a celebration of capitalism… the ads.
(you got the ads already, retard)
Now in the interest of freedom, do your patriotic duty and read on.
Our favorite group of Nazis are at it again.
Brent Bozell, and his morality storm troopers known as the Parent’s Television Council (PTC), have released their latest watchdog report on the evils of today’s television, centering on what they dub "the family hour" (the first hour of primetime… either 7 or 8 p.m. depending on the day of the week). Needless to say, they won’t be bestowing any congratulatory plaques on Vince McMahon any time in the near future, although in a development that can’t be considered anything but shocking, they didn’t include sports or news shows… singling out the XFL specifically. Of course they make up for it by including BOTH hours of "Smackdown" in the "family hour" of 8-9 p.m.
Now, I wouldn’t be going after them if this were just about wrestling. It has long been established that this putz is convinced Vince is feeding drugs to the Bozell children and sodomizing the family cat. HOWEVER, right below "Smackdown" on their hit list (which plunged from #1 last year all the way down to #2) is BUFFY!!(NUMBER GODDAMNED THREE… oooooooh, you’ve gotten on my bad side now!) With all the unentertaining, unnatural shows (COUGHwillandgraceCOUGH) that often run between 8 and 9, why they have gotten such a stiff dick for the world’s coolest Vampire Slayer is beyond me (I mean, I do too but in much less of a metaphorical way).
How ridiculous is this study? Let’s see some of the examples they give us:
"Undertaker slams Rikishi’s head into the announcer’s table." (DEAR GOD!! THE WWF IS THE DEVIL!)
"A girl jumping rope decapitates a worker who stuck his head out of a manhole." (from some show called the "Oblongs". They may have a point with this one… can you imagine the rise in jump-rope related murders this could cause? Fucking CHRIST!)
Drucilla, a vampire, walks up behind a girl and twists her neck, breaking it. Drucilla then breaks the girl’s boyfriend’s neck. She bites his neck; blood is shown on her teeth. Spike, another vampire, bites into the girl’s neck. (“Buffy the Vampire Slayer”, in other words… “the way a vampire has slayed his victims since the advent of film”.)
"A man with a rifle puts a woman in his sights and shoots her in the chest, leaving a small bullet hole" (from "Diagnosis Murder". I’m not sure if Dick Van Dyke got singled out because of his profane name or because they wanted to appear objective by having a CBS show on there too… notice the “small” hole being used to suggest it is still not THAT bad).
In a Jeopardy parody, an actor portraying Sean Connery answers "Craven Morehead". Actor playing Alex Trebek, reminding him to phrase it as a question: "Who is Craven Morehead?"
"Apparently you are" ("SNL Prime Time Extra"… and allow me to add "BWAHAHAHAHAHA")
"Poor bastard, you never had a chance." ("Malcolm in the Middle", I GUESS despite bragging about not using "tame" curse words "bastard" is included. I need to read the Bible again to see how many times the apostles commit that sin. "Poo-poo head" probably got the similar treatment.)
"The crowd chants ‘Asshole’ five times at Stevie Richards”. ("Smackdown", apparently the general public is now as evil as the programs.)
"Gimme the [bleeped] paper, OK? Because I wasn’t [bleeped] talking to you… Why’d you take a [bleeped ‘fucking’] number in the first place. ("World’s Worst Drivers Caught on Tape"… I HAVE to wonder what they thought the first two bleeps were for to single out the third one as being the ‘f-word’.)
REFERENCES TO GENITALIA:
"Mr. Strickland got under more balls than a midget hooker." ("King of the Hill", the real shocker here is that the line is actually funny)
It’s hardly surprising that UPN takes the blunt of the criticism; after all they ARE the channel that airs "Satandow… er… Smackdown". The report seems to take pride in pointing out that this is the only network that doesn’t have a "standards and practices" department… and vilifies the head of the network for suggesting it’s a matter of personal taste and that they never claimed "to be the Christian Broadcast[ing] Network". They also suggest that "with the possible exception of CBS" (that network no one watches except for the show where people eat bugs) the other networks probably only have one that works part-time. This sentence suggests collusion to me, much like John McCain being "horrified over the barbaric nature" of UFC and getting it banned from cable while having REAL close ties to the Nevada Athletic Commission (that made all its money from boxing events that Ultimate Fighting PPVs were selling better than). CBS can’t get people to watch their shitty programs on their own, so maybe getting help from the gangsters of boredom can help even the playing field.
Don’t fool yourself, the PTC is not a group of volunteer soccer moms that don’t want their kids to see porno in the family hour. They are a political action committee with paid members whose jobs are more in jeopardy than their children’s minds if they don’t keep their name in the papers. That’s not to say they don’t believe in their cause… of course, Gestapo officers weren’t only working for a paycheck either.
They don’t threaten, that’s not something "compassionate" fascists do. Instead, they deliver a "pledge" to the networks to "voluntarily" scale back the raciness ("Safeguarding the family hour cannot be compelled; rather, we appeal to your corporate conscience to reconsider…". This may be the first time in history that "corporate" and "conscience" have ever been used in the same sentence without "lack of" appearing somewhere in it as well). This is a common tool of liberals (despite calling themselves a "non-partisan" group, you need only see how the media coddles rather than fights them to realize that they are protecting one of their own). It’s when these "requests" (read that: "threats") fall on deaf ears that the more sinister methods are used, with the justification being "we tried asking nicely". Think I’m bullshitting you? Let’s see what is in Bozell’s statement to the troops about this press release:
We will also publicly shame those advertisers who market and sponsor the violence, sexual raunch, and vulgarity to our nation’s children. We will name names, and often. It saddens and frustrates me to no end that it has gotten to this point -- publicly shaming adults for marketing trash to 10 million children every night. They should know better. Unfortunately, we have no other choice. The networks, affiliates, and sponsors are robbing our children of their innocence, and this must stop
Welcome to 1984, people.
(AP) PTC Founder Brent Bozell knows first-hand how shows like “South Park” can corrupt even the most well-intentioned mind by engaging in the game of “Red Rocket”from a recent episode he viewed for research purposes
It takes more than putting up websites like "PTC Sucks" (you may remember me pointing out that on Yahoo searches that shows up before the actual PTC site… that has since been rectified. FUCK AL GORE, THE INTERNET IS MINE! ALL MINE!), as it has been proven not to do a damn thing. I would not suggest breaking the law, but thankfully there are ways to strike back that are as legal as sea salt and don’t even come close to using the underhanded methods they do.
1. SUPPORT THE SPONSORS OF YOUR FAVORITE PROGRAMS: If your mother starts to reach for a can of Spaghettios in the grocery store, say "Fuck you, mom… get the overstuffed Ravioli". Wear those ugly-ass Luggs shoes. Write letters to the companies that have pulled their advertising and let them know you stopped buying their products as a result (PLEASE don’t identify yourself as a wrestling fan, simply say that as an American you will not support a company that can be pressured by such bullying tactics. And keep your swearing to a minimum as well).
2. WRITE THE NETWORKS: Let them know you are a fan of these shows, and that you don’t take kindly to having your favorites toned down or cancelled by such Orwellian means. As with #1, "class" is the order of the day (therefore, "D0nT CanCi1 SMAKDOWN ShiTHeds" is NOT the best approach).
3. SMITE THOSE WHO HAVE SMITTEN YOU:
I present you with a list of the Advisory Board of the Parents Television Council. For the ones I’ve heard of I give suggestions on how you may want to approach them, but unlike the PTC I DO NOT want everyone to think the same way. Be creative. Keep in mind when doing so exactly what these peoples’ opinion of you as a fan of wrestling are. Also keep in mind that some of these guys are big mother fuckers that would crush you and others that are total bitches who you could spit in the face of with no fear of physical recourse (hence, who should be contacted only by mail). Also remember the Secret Service has NO sense of humor when dealing with people who threaten elected officials (did I mention this post is for um… what’s that bullshit disclaimer term? OH YEAH, for “entertainment purposes only”)
William Blinn (author of “Brain’s Song”) Tell Brian Dennehy that Blinn balled his wife during the filming (while doing so praise him for the Gacy movie… that RULED!).
Pat Boone (crooner)- Ask if he HONESTLY believes the WWF is any more evil than spawning Debbie and doing that cover of metal songs.
Sen. Sam Brownback (as Republican as McCain)- Get plenty of ideas from THIS SITE.
John Carvelli I about fell asleep trying to read about this guy.
Tim Conway (actor/comedian) Ask him if being on a TV morality group conflicts with all the appearances on the “OG Godfather” of smutty sitcoms, “Married With Children”. Beyond that give him a free pass because he was a Simpsons character, and other than Aerosmith that pretty much means you don’t totally suck.
Susan Howard (TV Actress)- Follow her around malls asking her if she knows who shot JR, and if that is what made his face go numb.
Bruce Jarchow (actor of little to no importance) Also appeared on “Married w/Children”… see Tim Conway’s.
Dave Johnson (name way too generic to research)
Gary Johnson- (Governor of New Mexico) Warn my buddy “Sidekick” then feel free to nuke that whole goddamned state. They deserve it for trying to steal the Springfield Isotopes. OH WAIT, he’s actually a writer. I stand by my earlier comments.
Dean Jones (actor)- Tell him you heard rumors about how he used the tailpipe to make Herbie a real-life “Love Bug”.
Naomi Judd (either old or fat singer… I can never remember which is which)- Bring up all the “wholesome” movies her daugher/sister has appeared in.
Rep. Steve Largent (ex-Wide Receiver)- Boycott watching Seattle Seahawks games… oh, you’ve already done that. GOOD WORK!
Sen. Joe Lieberman (Vice Presidential loser)- Vote Republican… and accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior.
Coleman Luck (Sci-Fi TV writer)- The guy is a sci-fi geek on a moral high horse. Leave him alone… his lifelong virginity is punishment enough.
Rose Marie (according to Google she’s either a skin care bitch, a really old TV actress, a US representative, or an incredibly boring-sounding movie)- Whichever of those she is she deserves scorn.
Michael Medved (geeky film critic)- “Hey, you and Rex Reed… I HEARD THINGS!”
Jim Otto (ex-football player)- The guy was an OAKLAND RADIER!! WHAT THE FUCK IS HE DOING ON THIS LIST?? He was part of a team responsible for more acts of televised violence than the WWF and “Celebrity Death Match” COMBINED! This must be what you call “atonement”.
Mel Renfro (ex-football player) Didn’t he fuck his 14 year-old intern or something? No, wait, that was Mel Reynolds. This guy is a Dallas Cowboy, so ask him if he’s against TV violence because it’s hard to smoke crack and with strippers with that filth on the set.
Cheryl Rhoads (nobody actress) Tell her you have documented proof she just hates TV because she’s bitter about how little her casting couch sessions paid off.
Mort Stahl (radio personality)- This guy is credited on their site as influencing Lenny Bruce… the irony here is if these people had lived in Lenny Bruce’s time they would’ve been the one’s screaming the loudest for him to be jailed.
Jane Seymour (Dr. Quinn)- I TOLD YOU THIS WAS ALL ABOUT THAT SHOW GETTING CANCELLED!!!
Beth Sullivan (Dr. Quinn TV producer)- A HA! THE PLOT THICKENS! I especially liked the episode where she takes on the entire Indian tribe in the big orgy finale. Wait, my mistake… that was “Dr. Cunt, Medicine Nympho”.
Dr. C. Delores Tucker (Civil Rights leader/anti-gangsta rap crusader)- If you need help with this one I pity you.
Ken Wales (Executive Producer/Evil Disney writer)- Give a good stiff fucking to his wife. That of course would be…
Susan Wales (writer/speaker)- Poke a hole in the condom.
And finally, if there are any wannabe "Jeff K.s" out there… well, do I really need to finish that sentence?
BRENT BOZELL! It is upon thee I bestow the most dubious of all Internet Awards (so dubious Bob Ryder has won one) the infamous...
It boils down to this Brent, the reason no one (except PAX, The Disney Channel, Fox Family, Cartoon Network, Nick at Nite, et al) airs family programming in the so-called “family hour” is because NO ONE WANTS TO WATCH THEM! Families don’t watch TV together anymore… the shows are an EFFECT of society, not a cause. Contrast that with you being the CAUSE AND EFFECT of your family’s history in McCarthyism.
Regardless of which hour of the day you are reading this, Brent Bozell… “FUCK YOU” (and your family).
”You’re taking away our Independence… and if you’re hard on us, we’re gonna be hard on you” –Flotsam and Jetsam
PS: Eternally grateful to Jim at PHANTASMO for bringing the Bag of Hell award to life.