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 Hello degenerates and welcome to my weekly timekiller, The Last SmackDown Recap on the Net. I'm Disco Dave, driving the short bus on a tour of suckville. There's always room for one more. In the news this week, MTV is apparently throwing together a wrestling promotion for their networks. Among their top stars will be Vampiro, Justin Credible, New Jack and Sean 'X-Pac' Waltman. Can't you just FEEL the excitement? When executives were asked why they would possibly want a bunch of talentless drug addicts beating eachother with small appliances on their network, they responded "Have you ever even heard of Bam Margera?" To a man, the entire press corps responded "Who???" Speaking of drug addicted scumbags, Billy Jack Haynes was attacked by one out in Portland Oregon, or 'Mecca' as it is known to the methamphetamine crowd. The Tribune reports that Haynes was worked over with brass knuckles in front of an auto body repair shop. WWE.com would have wished him a speedy recovery, but mentioning him on the website would mean they would have to hire him back at some point in the hopes somebody remembers him. The February 13h primetime special for TNA on Spike TV is now cancelled. After assessing the situation, it was decided that most wrestling fans would not be able to tell the difference between a John Cena promo and two dogs fucking on screen, therefore no viewers would be gained. From losers to nutjobs, it appears Warrior has a problem with another DVD about him. This time it is one he commissioned himself. He hired a filmmaker to do a project that painted him in a better light than the WWE DVD did, but instead it came off still making him look bad. He claims the producer threatened to make a REALLY negative film about him if he did not pay for the work completed. Warrior is suing for $250,000 and all of the footage shot for the film. If this guy has any sense of decency, this will be posted on the web long before the footage is turned over to Warrior and destroyed. That's enough crap to hold you over for a week, so on with SmackDown. The show starts off with a recap of Batista coughing up the title to Teddy Long. They treat it like he just died in the video package. Teddy announces the battle royal for the belt, which we see Kurt Angle win. After the opening suckfest by Drowning Pool, John Bradshaw Layfield rolls into the arena. He and Jillian cautiously approach the ring. John Bradshaw Layfield vs Bobby Lashley Bobby's one little puff of pyro tells us he is on his way to the top. Lashley backs JBL into a corner. Bradshaw gets control after a clothesline and some stiff shots in the center of the ring. Lashley hits a belly-to-belly suplex and chases JBL out to the floor. Bradshaw uses Jillian as a shield then pokes Lashley in the eye. Back in the ring Lashley hits another belly-to-belly. Lashley misses a corner splash and eats a clothesline from hell as punishment. The lights go red and Boogeyman's music hits. The freak slithers out from under the ring and grabs JBL's leg. With the lights still red and the arena filled with smoke, Lashley hits the dominator and wins the match. Boogey chows down on some worms. In the back Kurt Angle is walking and getting congrats from various jobbers, including Rey Mysterio Jr. Rey Rey says that he will prove himself tonight when he beats Mark Henry for a shot at the title tonight. Kurt says that he is looking forward to the challenge. Mark Henry gives sarcastic congrats as well, then says that it won't happen again. Mark says that the title shot will be his tonight. Kurt tells him 'good luck', then says to never ever get in his face again. Kurt says that the 'You Suck' chants that come with his music are meant for his opponents, and when Henry becomes one then he'll suck too. Possibly the worst insult ever uttered on a wrestling show. After the break we see Jillian crying to Theodore Long about Boogeyman taking away her dignity and leaving her scarred for life. Bradshaw busts in and bitches about Boogey costing him the match. Long asks JBL if he is afraid of the Boogeyman. Bradshaw says no, so Long says that a match between the two is on for Royal Rumble. Bradshaw asks that if he said he was afraid, would Long call off the match. Teddy responds 'no'. Back out at the ring, Charmin is crowing about her man winning the US Title. She has a huge celebration planned for tonight. Booker makes his very slow and wobbly entrance with his crutches. When they reach the ring they are showered with black and gold balloons. This is followed by gold confetti. Booker thanks all of those that believed in him. He sys that he did a lot of hard work to win the belt. He did it all by himself. He has proven to be the greatest US Champion of all time. Charmin takes the mic and calls Chris Benoit a loser. Booker says 'check out the suit', showing off his shitty clothes and claiming this is how a real champ celebrates. Orlando Jordan makes his way out to the ring. Orlando says that it should have been him wrstling for Booker, but instead he got laughed at. Jordan demands a match right now, and Charmin busts out laughing. Booker says 'another place, another time'. His doctor has not cleared him to fight. Orlando decks Booker, which brings Teddy Long out from the back. He says that he is allowing another substitution - Orlando Jordan vs Randy Orton later tonight. They don't say that it's for Bookers belt, so I assume it is not. Matt Hardy vs I think Finlay may be Ken Kennedy's father. The resemblence is amazing. Finlay kicks Hardy and clubs him a few times to start. Finlay gets an early cover. Hardy throws some punches and hits Finlay with an inverted atomic drop. Hardy sends Finlay over the top rope then suicide dives on him. Hardy throws more punches. Back in the ring Hardy covers for two. Finlay blocks a sunset flip and drives his knee into Hardy's head. He covers for two. Finlay hits a generic bodyslam and covers for two. He cranks on Hardy's neck on the mat while wildly looking around the arena. Hardy fights up and throws some punches. Finlay takes a back body drop, then gets bounced off the ropes and flat on to his back. Hardy hits the side effect and covers for two. Finlay eats a boot in the corner then takes a leg drop for a two count. Hardy signals the twist of fate, but Finlay pushes out of it. Hardy baseball slides at him so Finlay lifts the ring apron. Hardy is trapped behind the apron so Finlay beats on him. Finlay drops Hardy across the ropes and pounds on Hardy there. The ref asks them to get off the ropes but Finlay keeps beating Hardy. The ref disqualifies Finlay. After the match Finlay grabs a mic and bitches about being disqualified. Finlay says "Here's a better reason for a disqualification". He drags Hardy on to the steel steps and stomps on his head. In Teddy Long's office Daivari is crying about Angle hitting him on Raw. He says that he was responsible for Kurt Angle winning the title. Teddy asks him what he wants. Daivari says that he wants Teddy to reinstate his managerial contract. Long says that he can put Kurt in a match instead, and it will be against Daivari. He flips out over this development. We see a quick video recapping Batista's lat surgery. Batista promises to hit the gym way too early and reinjure himself. Spoken like a true champion. Rey Mysterio Jr vs Mark Henry (Number one contender's match) Shouldn't this be the main event? Mysterio starts by kicking Henry in the hamstring. Mark chases him around. Mysterio gets Henry to trap himself in the rope and works on the leg a bit more. Henry releases himself so Mysterio hits the floor and runs away. Henry catches Rey Rey on his way back into the ring and pulls him out. Mysterio ducks a clothesline and heads back into the ring. He baseball slides into Henry's chest, then follows up with a suicide dive. After the break, Mysterio is pounding on a kneeling Henry. He works on the leg again in the corner. Rey Rey runs the ropes and slams into an immoveable Henry. Mark splashes Mysterio in the corner. Mysterio kicks the hamstring again but Henry picks him up and throws him face first to the mat. Henry steps on Rey Rey and the ref counts one. Henry misses a big splash. Mysterio dropkicks him to the head. Mysterio runs the ropes and eats a hard clothesline. Henry stands on Mysterio with extra leverage from the ropes. Henry sets Mysterio over the top rope, then punches him off and down to the floor. Henry follows him out and feeds him back into the ring. Henry misses a splash in the corner. Mysterio returns to the hamstring but Henry just picks him up for a press slam. Mysterio drops out and kicks the knee. Mysterio climbs the ropes and gets caught in mid air. Henry attempts to throw him out but Mysterio hangs on. He springs off the top rope and dropkicks Henry. Mysterio hits the 619 to Henry's back. He hits it again to the stomach, then Henry falls to take a proper 619 to the face. Mysterio climbs the ropes and supposedly hits a frog splash. He was actually short but he covers for two anyways. Henry rolls through and picks up Rey Rey. He hits a hard powerslam and makes the pin. Ken Kennedy makes his way to the ring after the break. He shows off his new T-Shirt under his suit jacket. He uses his usual schtick to plug the shirt and offers to throw one to the crowd. He then says 'fuck it' and tells them to buy it. This was OK for an in arena thing, but had no business being on TV. He joins the anounce table and gives Tazz a shirt. He then throws one at Cole and makes him wear it too. The Gymini (Goldbergs) vs Paul London and Brian Kendrick Simon Dean has apparently stolen Bill Alphonso's whistle. The cruisers hit the ring runnung as usual and go all speed racer on The Goldbergs. London is kicking a Goldberg around until Simon Dean distracts the ref allowing a double team. The first cover comes from a double team toss in the air to London. Kendrick is in and fighting while London runs in to take the other one out. This match really is a clusterfuck. Kendrick gets pinned after another double team where the Gymini cross his arms and pull him to the mat. Boy am I glad that is over. Too confusing to watch even if I wasn't trying to recap it. RVD's music now has awful lyrics to it. Expect him to be a quick in and out for the rumble. Randy Orton vs Orlando Jordan Here's a match a little more my speed. Slow and plodding. Orton works a headlock before spinning into a drop toe hold. He poses and trash talks Orlando. Jordan backs him into a corner. Jordan hits a couple of arm drags and Orton drops to the floor. Where is that awesome ROH crowd to cheer those arm drags? Orton hits a shoulder block off the ropes but takes some more arm drags. Jordan knocks Orton over the top rope. Jordan suicide dives and hits all floor. After the break, Orton is hitting knee drops and covers for two. Orton applies a rear naked choke along with a body scissors. Jordan fights up and hits a chinbuster. Orton hits his standing drop kick and covers for two. Orton bitches at the ref then drives Jordan's head into the mat. Orton reapplies the choke and scissors after a knee to the back. They make it to their feet and Jordan is backed into the corner. Orton misses a spear and hits the post with his shoulder. Jordan rolls him up and covers for two. Jordan works on the injured shoulder. He keeps it locked for two minutes. Orton fights out with a backbreaker and covers for two. Orton runs the ropes and takes a dropkick to the gut. Jordan covers for two. Jordan throws some punches and follows up with a swinging neck breaker. Charmin runs out to ringside and Booker hobbles behind her. Orton sets Orlando on the top rope but Jordan hits a shot to the ribs to knock him off. Booker hits Jordan in the ribs with a crutch and the ref doesn't see it. Orton hits the RKO for the win. Chris Benoit hits the ring and chops the shit out of Booker in the corner. Orton tries to make the save but Benoit runs them both out of the ring. In the back Daivari is being interviewed by a nobody. She asks for his thoughts about his upcoming match. Daivari talks about how Kurt is brutal and borderline criminal in the ring. He seems to be severely lacking his middle eastern accent during this promo. Daivari vs Kurt Angle (non-title match) Kurt chants 'you suck' with the crowd and points at Daivari. Before the match starts Mark Henry makes his way to the ring. He stands at ringside and talks trash with Kurt. Daivari attacks from behind but takes a quick slam from Kurt. Angle catches a kick attempt and flips Daivari, then follows with a clothesline. Daivari low blows Kurt from behind when he is jawing at Henry. Kurt pounds on Daivari with some forearms before hitting a release German suplex. Angle throws Daviari at Mark Henry on the floor. He does it again and knocks Henry down, then feeds Daivari into the ring. Kurt hits the Angle Slam and follows with an ankle lock. Milena jumps on his back so the match is ended on a DQ. Kurt knocks her off and applies the ankle lock. Henry decks Angle and gives him the powerslam. Henry heads outside and grabs the steel steps. He drives them into Kurt's back and sends him crashing to the floor. An injured Daivari helps up an injured Milena, then helps her out of the ring. Daivari stands on the steps and tells Kurt that he is the manager of Mark Henry. Not much in the way of exciting wrestling this week. Finlay is destined to be a jobber, and The Goldbergs will never be more than a comedy act. If Henry doesn't injure himself on his way out, expect him to make a token TNA appearance where he jobs to Monty Brown. I am not looking forward to the return of RVD. That's all for this week. Tune in next week when Rey Mysterio and / or Chris Benoit pay some stupid tribute to Eddie Guerrero. YEAH WE GET IT GUYS! HE WAS YOUR FRIEND AND HE'S DEEEEAD! Jesus fuck! This is just as bad as when Dale Earnhardt died and every redneck at every race held up three fingers on the third lap of every race. Does that mean we have to see this shit for the next year? Disco Dave - 2 hot 4 u |