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Hyperbole?Well, since Norm's already posted the pertinent results of the New Years Revolution, there's no sense in me doing it for my lead-up. Not that I'm complaining. Since I've gotta get up at 4:30 this week - and the foreseeable future, I think I'll be skipping the lead-up this week. You guys got a pretty good joint-post from Tokage and myself pretty recently, and I'm still doing these friggin' recaps for you, so quitcherbitchin. Once I get used to the new schedule I'll be back to my old format. And so it's official. Edge is the new Champ. He and Lita are slated to perform a 'Live Sex Act' on tonight's Raw to celebrate. ....Fucking over the fans counts now, does it? I'm so glad for you. We're given the stills from the PPV to perhaps enjoin us to buy the replay. Yeah, good luck with that, kids. At least they've finally put that stupid Money in the Bank thing to bed, so I guess it's not a total loss... Ah, who the fuck am I kidding? Standard Raw Intro. And Cena will be coming out first to a pretty good pop, even without the belt. Perhaps they've decided he's over enough without it? Edge needs all the help he can get, right? Cena gets the mic, and the crowd seems torn between the boos and cheers. He urges them to make themselves louder, which draws quite a Hogan parallel, doesn't it? I love being right. Cena says he's still trying to understand it, but life's full of strange twists and turns. He says that Edge made his choice and cashed in his MitB to become - at a very opportunistic time - to steal the belt. Cena says that even tonight, people are making their choices about him. Some love him, and some think he sucks. But as Allen Iverson once said, "There's a million people that love him - and ten million that hate him." But his choice will be to put it all out there for the one million people that are still riding with him - and to hell with the ten million drinking the Haterade. Not quite the heel turn, is it Norm? Maybe next week...? Cena cashes in his rematch clause on the spot and calls Edge out to defend. Lita comes out with the strap and accepts the rematch - but not tonight. Seems she got Vince to agree to push the rematch back to the Royal Rumble. Yeah, should be plenty of time to deduce Copeland couldn't draw flies to shit. She then talks up the Live Sex Act thing Edge will be doing with her. In fact, it'll be a menage a'trois with her and Edge and the WWe belt. She then makes some Heel 101 shots on the crowd and tries to leave. Cena stops her and tells her that since she set the date, she can tell her boy that Cena accepts - and at the Royal Rumble he will beat Edge's entire ass. So, um, peep dat bitch. She leaves. Cena stays to soak up some more divided heat. Three weeks until the Rumble, is it? Hm. Commercials. We're back, and Ashley will be facing Trish for the Women's Belt. Mickie James brings her in with an intro you'd expect from Kermit the Frog - complete with Yaaaaay! Trish is suitably embarrassed. Then Ashley comes down. We get highlight from the Diva thing last night. One of them. Must've been fun, huh? Ashley puts Trish in a headlock, then chains to a Hammerlock. Trish counters with a single leg pickup that she rolls through to a Small Package. Gets two. Trish and Ashley trade Headlock and Legscissor spots - then Trish is whipped to the nearside corner. Trish tries to float over into a headscissors, but Ashley counters - and spikes Trish to the mat fucking UGLY. Ashley makes a cover, but Mickie is ion the ring to break it up. Hairwhip on the challenger by the Stalker Broad, and that'll DQ the champ, who retains. Trish storms off with Mickie skipping behind her trying to explain things. Commercials. Some dude is robbed on the street, thanks to Starburst. And stupidity. These candy commercials get weirder every week. Rob Van Dam re-intro segment montage. Back on the job pretty soon. Heh. Vince comes into the dressing room to talk with Cena, and talks about how he loves 'First Times'. Must... Not... Laugh. Vince talks up the live sex thing as another first time (For whom?). Cena assures him that he's not going to fuck that up (Pun?), but to be sure - Vince tells him that if he interferes with it then he gets no rematch. Cena tells him it's all good. Vince accepts it, and then leaves. Carlito is taken to task by Masters for the lowblow thing last night, and wonders whether he can count on him against HBK and Angle tonight. Carl assures him that they're on the same page. Masters tells him that if he screws him over, it's his fro getting shaken off in the Full Nelson. Commercials. "PSP: It has more than big guns." That's true. It also has a fucking ridiculous ad campaign that won't move a single fucking kit. Seriously, talking wads of pubic hair? What the pea-picking FUCK? Conway is in the ring for a Royal Rumble Qualifying Match against... Chavo. Hard to call this one, but the kid's getting more than his share of Muerte Familia Heat. Bell rings and they commence circling, then Rob clamps on a Side Headlock. Chavo Irish Whips free, but Conway shoulderblocks him down on the rebound and poses. Chavo gets back up and lays in some brawlies, peppered with clotheslines. Rob throws him over the top, but Chavo skins the cat back in - almost. Rob knocks him off and then slams him against the apron and the barrier before rolling Chavo back in and clamping on a Head Wrench. The crowd chants 'Eddy', which gives Chavo strength enough to get up, get loose, and Back Brain Kick the Con Man. Conway bails outside to regroup, but Chavo keeps the pressure on with a High Cross Body off a slingshot, then tosses Rob back in and lays in some more highspots. Nice standing dropkick sends Conway reeling, so Chavo rolls him up. Gets two. Rob turns it around and pins Chavo - gets one. Rob tries for a Suplex, but Chavo blocks it and hits the Three Amigos - then goes to the top rope and nails the Frog Splash to take it to the Rumble. Chavo leaves to a mixed reaction as Rob seethes in the agony of defeat - the Con Way. Commercials. Annapolis is a new movie about a whiteboy surviving the tender mercies of a black drill instructor, eventually bagging a uniformed chick in the process. You might remember it. It was once called 'An Officer and a Gentleman', and performed by actors - and Richard Gere. Replay of highlights from back when Edge actually won his Money in the Bank. Cut to Michaels lacing his boots up, and Angle comes in to confront him. HBK tells him that last night they were opponents, but this time they're partners - tag team partners. Angle says, "Isn't that great?" for the Unintentional Funniest Line of the Night. Angle tells him to watch his step, because he's got a Zero Tolerance Policy of his own. Michaels seems nonplussed. Shelton Benjamin and his momma share a moment with Val Venis. It is nowhere near funny. Glad to see Val still delivers as only he can. Yes, no angle truly sucks ass until Sean Morley gets involved. Carlito and Masters each get their intros for their Tag Match against HBK and Angle. I love 'Day After PPV Padding'. We get clips of the big match last night, including the screwjob uppercut Carl laid on the Master Pieces. Commercials. We're back, and Carlito and Masters have apparently been arguing in the ring the whole time. Wow, I sure feel sorry for the folks there live. More than usual, even. Angle gets his intro, with Daivari in tow. HBK then gets his intro to really drag this shit out... Yay. I can never get tired of the 'Can they Coexist?' angle. Mostly because I've been tired of it for over a decade already. HBK and Angle converse over whom will start things off. Masters and Cool lay in the early brawlies, but Masters is soon tossed outside so HBK and Carl can go at it. HBK with a Side Headlock takeover puts Cool on the mat. CCC gets his legs under him and tries to Whip free, but HBK hangs onto the afro. Carl tries to get loose some more, but is thwarted and then dragged to the Face corner for a tag to Angle. Angle clamps on the Side Headlock. Carl Irish Whips Kurt off him and tries an Armdrag, but Angle counters with a Fireman's Carry - then goes back to a Headlock. Carlito counters it with a Backdrop Suplex, then tries to whip Angle to the farside corner. Angle counters, so Carl gets the buckles. Angle charges in, so Carl gets the boots up. Angle is staggered, but tags in HBK as Carlito tries to get his bearings. HBK comes in and lays a Chop on Carl, who promptly tags in Masters. Masters gets some Chops from HBK, but he overpowers the Kid and shoves him away. Tag to Angle, who soaks up some brawlies from Chris before laying in his own brawlies. Masters goes for the Full Nelson, but Angle reverses with a Standing Switch to a German Suplex. Masters tries to get his bearings in the nearside corner, so Angle charges him. Chris steps aside, so Angle slams into the post at just under Mach Three. Masters flings the stunned Olympic Champion to the outside. Michaels tries to get into the ring, but Carlito clobbers him off the apron to join his Tag Partner on the floor. Angle and HBK have discourse on their strategy as we go to Commercials. For Smackdown events. Hemme is actually part of the montage, which makes me laugh. We're back, and Angle is getting brawled up by Carl in the nearside. Carl hauls Kurt to a vertical base and gives him the Irish Whip. Angle ducks a clothesline and hits a German Suplex on Cool. Cool tags in Masters. Hot tag to HBK. HBK lays in the Choppy Woo, then the Flying Burrito, then the Manhattan Drop. Carlito comes in, so HBK Choppy Woos him out of the ring and hits the Flying Elbow Drop on the Masterpiece. He strikes up the band, but Carl trips him up from the outside and slams the HBK drumstick against the ringpost, then tags himself in. Carl with a Reverse Chinlock on HBK to slow things down. HBK back up and he elbows free of the Appleman - but Carl hits a nice Standing Dropkick to stay in command, then goes for a pin. Gets two, so Carl clamps on the Chinlock. HBK digs deep and starts to elbow free again, but Carl puts the brakes on with that MonkeyFlip Backbreaker he does, then sends Michaels stumbling to the ropes. Michaels clobbers Carlito and tries to make the tag, but Angle shortarms him to talk it up with Dav. Carl tags in Masters after dragging HBK to their corner. Masters lays in some forearms, then goes for the Full Nelson. HBK slips it and kicks Chris away, then tries to make the tag. Angle walks away to talk things up with Dav again. HBK hurls him into the ring, then Superkicks Angle. Masters clamps on the Full Nelson as HBK waves goodbye to the Olympic Hero. Dav confronts HBK on the ramp, so HBK Superkicks him as Angle passes out to finish the match. Carlito and Masters win. Angle comes to enough to become furious at being the 2006 Jannety. Yes, with the alleged painkiller addiction and getting fucked over by HBK, he needs only to be fired in disgrace to complete the set. Looks to be well on his way, there, too. Commercials. The Burger King dumps Gatorade on Don Shula... That's especially funny considering I have yet to see a Burger King franchise serve Gatorade. HBK is confronted by Vince about fucking over Angle, and that it pleased Vince. Vince tells Michaels that he can trust him to make the best matches on the best Raws every single week - and next week he's gonna have HBK and Angle's rubber match. HBK doesn't look happy about it. Big Show lost to HHH's sledgehammer last night, and he looks really happy about it as Grisham interviews him. HHH is happy about it, and he's also happy about Edge getting the strap and fucking over Cena (so he doesn't have to, I guess). HHH talks up how he whipped Show, and that he's going to the Royal Rumble - which he will win. Then he will face whomever the champ is at Wrestlemania - and it is there that the King of Kings will go back on his throne. Some of the Divas are spotchecking the bed set for the big Sex Act deal. Edge is in the parking lot shouting to the world that he's the champ, and Grisham offers him congratulations. Edge says "FINALLY, I get the recognition I've so richly deserved for so very long". He then talks up the Hot Sex thing up soon. I guess he should be psyched up enough to dive into the Muff of No Return by the time the show is about to close at this rate. Wonder how they plan to fuck it up for the four people that might want to actually see these two creatures have at it? Guess time will tell, huh? Commercials. Johnny Cash singing Nine Inch Nails is now being used to shill for the Shield. Good, I'd prefer it be attached to something besides a Dead Beaner Montage - even if it is a Chiklis show. Quick segment talking up Dancing with the Stars, where Stacy Kiebler waltzed. I actually watched this show - and voted for Stacy. Five more credits and I graduate Gaybird U. Wish me luck. Royal Rumble Qualifying Match. Shelton and his Momma come to the ring still pretty pumped over SB properly representing the family last night. That's funnier than it sounds, ain't it? Val Venis will be the jobber. Val tosses his towel to someone in the audience, and Shelly takes the opportunity to get in some early brawlies. Venis tosses him outside, and he gets a boo-boo. Momma fix. Venis chases, but Shelton dives behind his momma. Venis is thwarted as Benji scrambles back into the ring. Val goes back into the ring, and Shelton clobbers the shit out of his kidneys with a kneelift, then lays in the serious brawlies as Momma drowns out the all-but silent crowd shouting encouragement. Venis hits the Sidewalk Slam and tries for a pin, but Shelton escapes. Shelton tries a kick, but Venis catches it. Shelton Spinkick attempt, but Venis ducks it and lays in a Spinebuster while SB is off balance. Venis goes for the Money Shot, but Shelton dodges it. Shelton and Val trade spots, but Val gets the upper hand and counters a T-Bone. Shelton hits the mat and Val tries to capitalize, but Shelton's momma stabs the pornstar in the ass with a hairpin. No, I'm not kidding. Val stumbles from the shock of the sudden posterior penetration, and Shelton gets the T-Bone in to get a spot in the Rumble. Momma is happy. Well, that's one, at least. Commercials. The entire McMahon Clan go Roman Holiday to shill the Rumble. Vince is told "You Screwed Brutus.", which I find especially funny. Why? If he did, Brutus wouldn't be selling haircuts for $20 a pop at shitty conventions, would he? No, clearly not. Kane and Snitsky will face each other for a shot at the Rumble. Gene gets in some brawlies. They don't help. Kane chokeslams him. 1-2-3. Kane gets a mic and says "That was the first casualty on his path to Wrestlemania - 29 victims to go." He laughs. Pyro. Edge comes back to the arena in a limo and Lita meets him in the parking lot - where she usually picks up her dates, I guess. Edge tells her he's ready to go, and she gives him the spinny belt and walks towards the arena with him. Commercials. (10:47) We're back (10:50) and the bed is in the ring... It's looks like it's one of those cheap shit inflatable jobs, with a black and red quilted comforter. Edge and Lita come to the top of the ramp and share a liplock, then go to the ring to 'do the deed'. But first, let's flap our jaws, shall we? Yes, let's. Edge tells the crowd that the Champ is Here. He gets more boos for it than Cena does, at least. Good for you, Adam. Edge talks some shit about outsmarting everyone and getting the strap, which nobody thought he could do. (Actually, we were really just wondering how they were gonna put the belt on you so you could job to HHH later. Enjoy the next three weeks, huh? Jackass.) Edge talks some more about how he's Oh-So-Clever and even gets some shots in on how he 'takes what he wants', such as how he - like a thief in the night - swooped in and snaked Lita away from Hardy (without actually mentioning Matt, too). Edge has a montage showing how great he is set to roll, which they do to eat up more time. Doesn't say much for how long he can last in there, does it? No, clearly not. Guess if it was me, I'd want it over with as fast as possible too... Can't fault him for that too much. And now... (10:57) Let's talk some more about how awesome he is. He then talks up how they abstained from sexual gymnastics over his victory last night so that they could do it here. Gee, thanks for that... No really. Edge proceeds to peel the coat off Lita, then takes his boots off and guides Lita to sit on the bed so he can take her boots off. He then lets her stand so he can unzip her dress and slide that off her. Then she takes his jacket and t-shirt off. They grind on each other a bit, then Edge slips her out of her short skirt. Lita unbuckles Edge's gay pleather pants and he steps out of them. They lock lips again, then Edge flips the comforter back and bends Lita over the edge of the bed. She almost goes right to the floor, which proves it's a cheapass inflatable. He puts her in the rest of the way and pulls the covers over himself. Then they gyrate around some and Edge tosses a bra out of the ring. The lights go out a bit, then Edge comes up with a set of panties in his mouth. Lita is now under the covers, and Edge gets the belt to haul it into the bed with them. Ric Flair goes WOOO, and I haven't been this glad to see him in ten years. Flair talks buukuu shit about how Edge is dead in the bed, and that he's nowhere near Championship material. Flair comes to the ring to show Edge how to bag a ho old school. Edge puts his pants on as Flair comes to the ring. Flair chops him, so he falls outside and gets a chair. Flair follows him, so Edge clobbers him to little pieces - then puts him on the announce table and lays in the One Man Con-Chair-to. Flair is in ruins, so Cena leaps the barrier and beats Edge's entire ass. Edge flees, clutching the belt. Lita is still in the bed, clutching the covers. Cena takes his shirt off, and then notices Lita. Lita hides under the covers. Cena peeks, and he looks like he saw something interesting. Probably a cock. Lita wisely used the time to put Edge's clothes on - which is relevant because Cena just yanked the covers off. Lita is cornered. Cena gives her the F-U. Edge is not happy. Cena yells to him that it's on at the Rumble. Fade to black. .... ........ ..............God, I'm so very, very depressed by this shit. Luckily, most of you were spared - even if some of you watched that Prison Break nonsense instead. Oh well, at least that's a different KIND of stupid, right? Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get to the brainscrubbing station. You're welcome. See you SOON. |