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 Awards? I don't even want to remember what happened in the past year. Honestly, I've been watching wrestling for close to twenty years and through the good and the bad I've always kept watching. But lately? Hack, ptooey! There were a few bright spots here and there, but for the most part, I didn't much care for 2005. I've completely stopped watching Smackdown since there's nothing good on that show, and I've watched maybe an hour or two total of RAW over the past few months. However, using my vast knowledge of wrestling (and other such bullshit I like to fool people with) I shall make several predictions as far as 2006 is concerned. So enjoy…or not. Not like I post much around this place anyway.
 -Chris Masters, on his way to becoming a future World Champion, will evolve (ok, de-evolve) his character into a serial rapist. After conquering the likes of Mickie James, Ashley, Candice and Lita (which will involve a month long feud with the crabs in real life), he'll mistakenly rape Carlito up the bum but later apologizes since the hair confused him. Unfortunately, Masters then craves only Carlito and in an attempt at sexual humor, we will be treated to seeing Masters stuff Carlito's mouth with his apple before stuffing Carlito's ass with his peach asking him to "squeal like a pig." Only LOP writers will think this is cool.
 -Chavo Guerrero will achieve fame (yet no fortune) by re-imaging himself in his dead uncle's image. He will come out in a lowrider, use Eddie's old music, and try to grow out the facial hair and mullet but since he has a receding hairline he will appear to look like a skinnier, more Mexican version of Paul Heyman. He even resorts to renaming himself Chavo "Eddie" Guerrero. Sadly, his career comes to an abrupt end in his hotel room where, in a drunken stupor, he thinks there's cocaine in his toothpaste and tries to snort it, he dies with tartar control Colgate in his nose. -When the WWE Legends program fails miserably, Vince decides to bring back the dead stars of wrestling. Using CGI is a waste of money and the live audience would never be able to see it anyway, Vince decides to dig up the bodies of such recognizable stars as Owen Hart, Eddie Guerrero, British Bulldog and even "Classie" Freddie Blassie. Vince will hire the best puppeteers that Hollywood has to offer to put on some classic dead puppet wrestling matches. Though many will criticize and declare the program distasteful, it will be more popular than the Legends, Midget, Cruiserweight, Tag Team and TNA programs combined. -After being given the Cruiserweight championship, Ric Flair decides that no one's really paying him much attention anymore so he quits the company and goes on to become a big star in the sport of Demolition Derbies. He comes the sport's bad boy with his brutal outlashes on his fellow racers, but it's permitted in the sport so he doesn't catch any flack for it. He will then be known as the "hotdog-stealin', wheel fixin', motorcar ridin' son of a gun."
 -After months of speculation as to who the new general manager of RAW would be, Vince has made his decision. It's not Dusty Rhodes, Mick Foley, Paul Heyman, Stephane McMahon or any other fat person you can think of. Vince declares that he has found Jesus…to be the GM. Almost on cue, Steve Austin comes out cause he has issues with the general manager even though he hasn't been on TV in months. John Cena also takes issue since Jesus turned his chocolate milk into wine, which is "diggity dank" (very bad). Before they can do bodily harm, Shawn Michaels makes the save and Jesus calls HBK his Savior. -During injuries, Edge will start fucking other wrestlers' wives and girlfriends because that was the only way he could get heat on TV while still keeping his job since management still feels he can be a top star in the business. After several feuds and beatings, he finally goes over the line by having a three-way with Stephanie and Linda McMahon. Vince and Hunter are so furious they fire Matt Hardy again. -This year's Diva Search will change format slightly. Instead of getting hot former Playboy models to prance around half naked on TV and offering them $250,000, they'll pick the biggest skanks found on the streets of New York, Los Angeles, Seattle and Africa and offer them $250 bucks if they can last a week. It'll save a lot of money and no one will notice the difference.
 -Sometime around November of this year, RVD will make his triumphant return to the ring after an agonizing knee injury. After his match, he will run into management backstage and they'll flip that they completely forgot about him and paid him the entire year he was out injured, which is against company policy. He may be invited back to the ECW PPV in '07 to wrestle whoever's still able to walk by then. -The Boogeyman will be let go sometime after Summer Slam. During the live PPV, he'll jump out at the Undertaker while eating cockroaches. The Undertaker will scream like a girl and run away hysterically yelling, "Ewww, that was SO gross, I need some comfort food or I can't possibly perform tonight." Whatever cred he had left will be long gone. -UPN will move Smackdown to a later 2am showing on Friday in order to make room for it's next big hit, an urban take on "Jackass" called "Blackass." Even with the later schedule, it will somehow do twice the ratings TNA does. -After the surprising successes of Kane's "See No Evil" and John Cena's "The Marine", WWE Films will more than double their movie output this year. Included are such movies as "Orlando Driving Miss Stephanie" starring Booker T as Orlando Jordan, Bret Hart in "The Ringer 2," and Linda McMahon in "The Lying Old Bitch in the Boardroom" (a take on "The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe").
 -After Wrestlemania, the yearly roster cuts rumors will start to circulate through word of mouth, the internet and the dirt sheets. While it's always difficult to figure out who exactly could be released and for what reason, I predict the following wrestlers will be cut this year: Simon Dean. That is all. -For some reason, Mark Henry finally gets over as the muscle behind MNM, however his contract expires in March and everyone decides that since he couldn't draw a dime for 99% of his time there, why bother keeping him now? -After finally deciding that he's conquered RAW for as long as he could, HHH gets moved over to the Smackdown brand (and yes, the brand split will continue). Unfortunately, his marriage with Stephanie will be on the rocks and uh oh, she controls that brand. The audience will know something's wrong when HHH starts coming out to "It's Raining Men" and is losing to Funaki on Velocity. -Random drug testing will take place through the year to make sure all wrestlers are clean. Instead of peeing in a cup, which is possible to cheat, there will instead be a room with a table covered in cocaine. Whoever gets caught at the random time of testing will have to take six weeks off. You will start noticing more "Best of" shows this year due to talent shortages.
Shaun  |