|
 Hey everybody. Read the title for holiday felicitations, as I ain't saying it again. Bah fucking humbug. As the title also says, no recap this week. Instead, Lethal Wrestling somewhat proudly brings you another holiday classic (in the same vein as It's a Wonderful E and last year's Christmas in Iraq). It's a long one, so go get a coffee or something.......  The scene opens on a quiet downtown street. A diminutive man with a white leather mask strolls casually down the sidewalk. As he passes a small video store, his attention is caught by a man in the window aranging DVDs on a display. Seeing something not quite right, he taps on the window. Masked Midget: Excuse me, mister! Hello? Store Clerk: I'm sorry, son. We're not opened yet. Masked Midget: First of all, I am a grown man. Secondly, I do not wish to come purchase a video at this time. I just wanted to point something out to you. Clerk: Oh really? And what would that be? Midget: Those DVDs. You've got them all wrong! You see the SummerSlam DVD? You need to put it up higher in the rack than the Backlash DVD. It was more important and had a better buy rate. You're bound to sell more of those. Clerk: Whatever, kid. Midget: And that poster with JBL and Batista. It needs to be next to the rack with The Great American Bash on it, not by the Judgement Day rack. Of course, I wouldn't expect anybody other than me to know that. Minor shows like that weren't exactly memorable to the general public. Clerk: No, I guess they weren't. Midget: Well, bye! I'm glad I could help you! Clerk: Sure..... The dimunitive man walks down the street and enters the Target Center. The soothing sounds of Drowning Pool can be heard in the distance. A man with a t-shirt that features a picture of himself holding an Ace of Spades and giving the thumbs up is barking orders. Johnny Ace: You, with the greasy hair. You're fighting that Chinese guy in a dark match. MNM, you are taking on LOD. Random ring worker: Mr Ace? We have a problem over here. We can't run the gas lines for Booker T's pyro. Johnny Ace: I have four matches and thirteen promos to book. I don't have time to help you figure out some little technical glitch. Worker: But I just need someone to.... Suddenly the worker is knocked to the floor by a flying wrestler. Worker: GOD DAMN IT EDDIE! Eddie Guerrero: Hey sorry, esse! I thought you were Randy Orton, holmes! You both look pretty generic! Midget: Here. Let me show you what to do. You push off with the ball of your feet, then flip backwards! It's all in the ankles. Eddie: Rey Rey, I know how to do a moonsault. I've been doing this as long as you. Eddie: It's cold in here, esse. A cholo's gotta do something to keep his Latino Heat, you know what I'm saying? Mysterio: You should be ashamed of yourself. Do you realize there are thousands.... Okay, maybe HUNDREDS of kids waiting outside that have been dreaming of this night for weeks? You're a disgrace to the tradition of Lucha Libre and I refuse to have you malign the business in this fashion. Eddie: I haven't done Lucha in years, hol.... Mysterio: Tell me who's in charge of this dog and pony show! Eddie: Well, with all of the on-air figureheads and revolving door in the head office, I have no idea. When you figure it out holmes, you tell me. Now I gotta go and blow my load. Where's that blonde ring rat that was hanging around? Mysterio: I beg your pardon? Where do I find someone in charge around here? Ring Worker: Miss McMahon-Helmsley is running the show tonight. She's over near the catering table. Rey Rey walks to the back and finds Stephanie screaming at some guy sweeping the floor. Steph: If you EVER get dust on my shoes again, I will have you cleaning up dog shit at the SPCA! Mysterio: Mrs McMahon-Helmsley, one of the wrestlers in tonight's show.... Steph: What are you doing wearing a mask? Get that stupid thing off and go get your tights on! Awkward silence.......... Steph: Oh, wait. I'm sorry. I thought you were Eddie Guerrero. That silly accent makes you beaners all sound the same. Mysterio: Mr Guerrero is intoxicated! Steph (in her best sarcastic voice): NOOOOOO! REALLY??? Mysterio: That's right. It's downright disrespectful! How can you allow such a man to be in a main event angle? Steph: He'll be fine. He does this every night. A man rushes into the room looking very panicked. Nobody: Mrs McMahon-Helmsley! It's Eddie Guerrero! I think he just choked to death on a toothbrush! Steph: Aw, shit! We were gonna give him the belt tonight with Batista all fucked up. Say, kid. You ever been in the main event of a big wrestling show? Mysterio: I've worked for you for four years. I've held the cruiserweight title several times as well as some tag title runs. Steph: So I take that as a NO then? Oh well. It's either you or Randy Orton, and he already stunk up the joint once. Did you see the buyrates for New Year's Revolution? Mysterio: I'll do it! I'll be your main eventer! Fast forward to that night in the McMahon-Helmsley luxury box. Steph: Hi, Christy. Thanks for taking care of Hunter for me. I know he cam be a handful. Christy stands up and wipes her chin Christy: And a mouthful, too! Steph: So how do you like the show so far? Christy: Much better than last week. Steph: Well, I hope my daddy agrees with you. Christy: You want a Yoohoo or something? Steph: Sure. I want to thank you for being so kind to Hunter. I understand you took him around the world last night. Christy: Yes. I am rather fond of Hunter. But I am also rather fond of power and fame, to be honest. And I heard that there is no better way to get in good with the boss than to keep his family happy! Steph: Why, you conniving little cumrag! You sure you're not a McMahon? You have such a knack for the business. Hunter: Hey, that's not Eddie Guerrero. Steph: UGH! Don't even mention that name! Hunter: This guy at least seems a little more lucid. At least his eyes aren't glazed over with that 'please kill me now' look. Steph: This guy was a last minute substitute. Eddie dropped dead today, and we needed a new partner for Batista. Hunter: Isn't he a little small? Christy: I see he doesn't believe in people under 250 pounds being main eventers either. No cruiserweight subplots, no midget battle royals, is that it? Steph: Well we should be realistic. We can't have future presidents of the company going around thinking that any little wetback that can do a hurricanrana could be a world champion now, could we? Christy: I see. Hunter: Show's over! Look at the pretty fireworks! Steph: People better be looking at them with the insurance costs we pay. Christy: Well I must be off. As always, it has been a pleasure Hunter. Hunter: Aw Steph. We have such a large turkey this year, and it is just the two of us. Can Christy come have thanksgiving dinner with us? Steph: Now now, Hunter, Christy probably has plans. Hunter: No she doesn't. I asked her. Christy: Truth be told, I don't really have any plans. Hunter: Pleeeeeeeeease Steph? I'm asking nicely and everything! Steph: Alright, dinner is at five. Down below after the show..... Johnny Ace: Mysterio put on a good show tonight with Batista. The crowd really was pulling for him to go over! Steph: Yes, I was rather impressed. I think we'll hire him. Maybe we can fire that lousy Kendrick kid again to make room for him. Johnny Ace: Uh, Steph? He's already on the payroll. We don't have to fire anybody to make room for him. Steph: Fire Spanky anyways. I like how he always cries when we tell him he won't be able to buy presents for Christmas. Next day at the gym..... Hector: Hey, that mask you wear. It's so much nicer than the one I get. Mysterio: You wear a mask too? From where? Hector: Yeah. I wrestle for a little indy fed that holds matches in an old meat packing plant on 34th street. I'm 'El Mystical', second generation Lucha Libre. Mysterio: You enjoy impersonating me? Hector: Dude, you're not the only masked Mexican wrestler in the United States. Mysterio: Ah, yes. But you were born in Hoboken, New Jersey. You are not a true Lucha. Hector: Dude, you were born in San Diego. Pot, kettle, nigger, BITCH! Mysterio: Okay. But do you, or do you not do the 619 as your finisher? Hector: I admit it. The gimmick is a ripoff of you. But the looks on the little kids faces when I hit the move. All two of them! They get so excited. You just get this feeling of pride that you know you've made their day. Johnny Ace: Rey Rey! There you are! Last night's show was super. It just was missing that certain something... Let me give you a few tips on being a main event wrestler. Mysterio: Please do. Johnny Ace: You know that move you do where you're swinging through the ropes? Mysterio: The 619? Johnny Ace: Yeah, that's the one. How about taking a page from Eddie Guerrero's book and doing the Frog Splash off the ropes as your finisher? You can call it a 'tribute' to your fallen comrade. Mysterio: I see. Johnny Ace: As a matter of fact, we've done some testing with focus groups. Here's a list of moves that go over like gangbusters! You know, elbow drops, breakdancing between moves, modified powerbombs and death valley drivers. When you see the crowd nodding off, BAM! Hit one of those moves and blow the roof off the joint. Mysterio: I'll try to do that.... Johnny Ace: You do that. Come see me in my office later and we'll chat some more. Johnny Ace leaves Mysterio: Can you imagine that? Performing the same five moves just because they got the fans excited in the past? That's what I've been fighting against for years. The simplification of wrestling. It's so cookie-cutter and commercialized. Hector: I hear that, yo. A lot of crazy 'isms' in the world, but one of the worst is 'protectionism'. Having everybody perform the same toned down moves to protect the top guys spots by making everyone look so bland. Later at the fan slam..... Mysterio: So little Jimmy, what do you want to see happen on tonight's show? Jimmy: I want to see someone get dropped on their head from the top rope. Johnny Ace (from behind a curtain): PSST! Rey Rey! Top rope neck bumps are banned! See if he wants you to do a power bomb! Mysterio: Sure Jimmy! You want to see someone get dropped on their head, you'll get to see someone dropped on their head. Jimmy's mom: Jimmy, go wait in the car. Mommy wants to thank the nice man for signing your magazine. Jimmy: Okay mom! Thank's Mr Mysterio! Jimmy's mom: Okay. I just heard that man tell you that you can't do those types of moves here. Why on earth would you tell my son that he will see that tonight? He's gonna be so disappointed. Mysterio: But he will see just that tonight. IF you get the TNA Pay Per View for him. Petey Williams is booked to win against Elix Skipper with a Canadian Destroyer off the top rope. Jimmy's mom: So, you're sending me to get a TNA show instead of coming to your house show? Aren't your gates bad enough already? Mysterio: Your child's happiness is much more important. Get him the pay per view. Jimmy's mom: Uh, thanks I guess. Johnny Ace smacks his forehead in disbelief. Jimmy's mom: You're the head road agent? I'd just like to thank you for having the courage to suggest the competition to my boy when he so desperately wants to see some high flying action. If you didn't offer such a shitty product, I would just watch WWE exclusively from now on. This is a very bold move to put the fan's desires over your own gate receipts. Johnny Ace: Great..... Thanks a bunch....... Christy and Hunter are standing near the line-up. Christy: While we're here, why don't you go over and meet Mr Mysterio? Meeting him in person just might change your mind about his main event status. Hunter: Oh, fine. I'll do it. Mysterio: Why hello there, Hunter! Hunter: How do you know my name? Mysterio: Well, you're on TV for the first twenty minutes of every Raw. It's pretty hard to miss you. Hunter: I'll admit, of all the little people Steph has had on SmackDown over the past couple of years, you do seem to be the best. Mysterio: That's because I'm the real deal. A smark favorite AND a main eventer. But you don't believe in that, do you? Hunter: That's such a bogus concept, that a guy that weighs 175 pounds can pin a 500 pound giant. It's just not real. Mysterio: So what would you like to see me do on tonight's show. Hunter: I don't need to see anything, really. Mysterio: Surely you must want to see me do something exciting. Hunter: Not really. Whatever spot I want to see, it's written for myself to do. If I want to hit someone with a sledgehammer, Steph books it for me. Steph: Hunter, I think you've taken up enough of Mr Mysterio's time. Go stand over there and wait for us while I talk to Christy. Christy: I shouldn't have brought Hunter here to see Mysterio, should I? Steph: When he comes down here and sees all of these fans lining up to get Mysterio's autograph, it puts the thought into his head that small wrestlers can be main eventers. And we just can't have him thinking things like that. It's not healthy. Hunter is my responsibility to groom as the next president of the company, and I must mold him as I see fit. Steph takes Hunter's hand and they walk away. Hunter: Did you see all the people lined up for him? They really like him! Steph: That's just because Batista is on break, honey. The fans will all flock to him when he gets back. Back at Titan Towers..... Mysterio: You wanted to see me, Mrs McMahon-Helmsley? Steph: Yes Rey Rey, please have a seat. Mysterio: Hunter seems like he's gona be a real leader some day. Steph: He's kinda the reason I called you in here. Hunter is a little confused. Please help me set him straight. Mysterio: Oh? Steph: You need to just tell Hunter that you're not really a main eventer. You're just a mid-carder hot shotted into the major story arc because we were lacking some available stars. Mysterio: But I am a main eventer. My DVD outsold three quarters of the legends DVDs out there. Steph: You're not getting me here. You need to be HONEST with Hunter. Just tell him that once Matt Morgan returns, you'll be back to fighting for the cruiserweight title on Velocity. Mysterio: Hunter, I bet you never made it out of the first grade, did you? Hunter: I dropped out of school in the second grade. Steph: Hunter, can you go see HEIDENREICH for a while? I heard he has ice cream. Hunter: OOOOOOOOH! Goodbye Mr Mysterio! Mysterio: Take care, Hunter. Steph: I think we're going to have to make a change. Mysterio: What kind of change? Steph: Randy Orton was the champion for a very short amount of time, and we really feel he didn't get a chance to make a name for himself. It would be only fair if he were to join his old Evolution stablemate..... The Secretary breaks in over the speakerphone... Secretary: Vince McMahon would like to see you immediately, Mrs McMahon-Helmsley. In Vince's office Johnny Ace and Shane McMahon are also present. Vince: I must say that when I first heard that this Mysterio character was telling people that if they want to see high spots, they should tune in to TNA that I was very concerned. But after a couple of months, the results are amazing. People are watching the show they put on and are being subjected to endless promo after endless promo from Jeff Jarrett and Billy Gunn. Fans are practically begging us to take their money and put out our kind of pay per views. From now on, our television spots will feature AJ Styles doing suicide dives over the top rope on fast repeat while Jeff Jarrett makes his 'King of the Mountain' speech. People will see us as philanthropists for promoting the competition while clearly being able to see that our product is superior. Steph: I knew it would be risky, but I'm glad you liked the idea daddy. Vince: I've already trademarked it so that TNA can't even use AJ or Jarrett in their commercials. And let this Mysterio kid know that we're gonna push him to the moon! Johnny Ace: So do you want me too book him to win the Heavyweight title? Vince, Shane and Steph: DON'T BE STUPID! Johnny Ace: Sorry..... Vince: Book him and Batista to win the tag belts. Mysterio can do 90% of the in-ring time and take most of the big bumps while Batista comes in at the end to hit the Batista Bomb and get the pin. Shane: That's fucking genius, dad! Vince smiles and leaves the room. Steph: Shit! I think I just fired Mysterio. This whole thing about him thinking that he's a real main eventer is just insane. This new push will just make it worse. Johnny Ace: Go get him back! There is still some spark and energy we can suck from his soul before tossing him to the curb! Shane: Maybe get a shrink to set him straight on the whole main eventer thing. Back in Steph's office...... Steph: So this change we were discussing. We want to make you and Batista the tag team champions. Mysterio: That's great news! This is just a stepping stone to my ascention to the heavyweight title! My title run will be a barometer to prove to the world that cruiserweights really can carry a show! Now that I've won you and Hunter over, I know it will succeed. Steph: Oh by the way, can you stop off and see Dr Schillinger when you come in tomorrow? We just like to give all of our employees a little mental aptitude test from time to time. Mysterio: I've been here for four years and never seen.... Steph: It's new. We're starting with you. Mysterio: Oh, Okay. At the examination...... Schillinger: Okay Rey Rey. You're doing well on current events. Now let's get to some important personal questions. Mysterio: Fire away, doc. Schillinger: Who would you say was your biggest influence in wrestling? Mysterio: That would be my uncle, the original Rey Mysterio. Schillinger: Who would be your ideal opponent for a main event program. Mysterio: Well I really would have liked to work a series with Ultimo Dragon, but since he's back in Japan I'd say that me and Juventud Guerrera could bring the house down. Schillinger: I see.......... Let's go multiple choice. Up and comers here. Boogeyman, Chris Masters or Shelton Benjamin - Who will be the next superstar? Mysterio: Chris Masters is as dumb as a stump with an entire repetoire of three moves, and Boogeyman is just a silly cartoon gimmick, while Shelton is really agile and was trained as a proper wrestler. I'd definately have to go with Shelton. Schillinger: This interview is OVER! Please leave my office. Back in Stephanie's office..... Schillinger: This guy is clearly nuts! He actually thinks that Shelton Benjamin is BETTER than Chris Masters! Johnny Ace: That's proposterous! I had no idea he was that bad! Shane: Hang on a minute, here. Dad says that he wants Mysterio to team up with Batista. And you know how that goes. When dad wants someone to go over, he'll ram him down the throats of everyone until they're so god damn overexposed you would just wish they'd die. Johnny Ace: Kind of like your run a couple of years back? Shane gives Johnny the cold stare... Steph: Does he have violent tendencies we have to worry about? Schillinger: Duh! He's a wrestler, jacked up on roids and works 300 days a year not including travel time. Frankly I'd be a little worried if he didn't have the occasional violent outburst. Steph: As long as he doesn't destroy any pottery while people are watching we can deal with it. Just team him up with someone to make sure he doesn't go off the deep end. The next day at the arena........ Mysterio: So do you ever practice your wrestling skills with the other wrestlers? Hunter: Not much really. They like to do all these silly flipping and kicking things. Mysterio: Like... wrestling moves? Hunter: Yeah! That's what they call them. Like today. I went to the gym and Brian Kendrick was there with Paul London. Brian stands on the top rope and goes 'Check out this corkscrew moonsault', then jumps into the air and spins around. Mysterio: Yes... Hunter: Then Paul climbs up the rope and says 'Oh yeah? Well I bet you can't do the 450!' Then he summersaults in mid air and lands flat on the mat. Then he got up holding his stomach and acting like he was hurt, but I know he wasn't. He isn't heavy enough to hurt himself by falling on the mat. Mysterio: That's called selling. Hunter: So then Brian asks me what is my favorite move off the top rope. I tell him that Vince doesn't let me climb the ropes because I could get hurt. They start laughing and pointing, then Paul says that 'This practice is for high spots only!' It's all so silly. Mysterio: Hunter, they are just practicing their moveset. You know what a moveset is, right? Hunter: Oh I have a moveset. That's what I can do in the ring, right? I can do a dropkick, sort of. Uncle Ric taught me the figure four, and of course I have the Pedigree. Mysterio: Those are very nice moves Hunter. But don't you want to participate in exciting wrestling like the cruiserweights? Hunter: I don't know. Maybe. Mysterio: Well next time they ask you what you would like to do of the top rope, tell them you'd like to show them a 'flying elbow'. That's a fairly simple move to start with and it will make the other wrestlers want to play with you and teach you things, such as a hurricanrana or a tilt-a-whirl head scissors. Hunter: Okay Mr Mysterio. I'll try...... Steph and Christy walk in discussing something unimportant. They see Mysterio showing Hunter how to do a flying elbow. Christy: What are you guys up to? Mysterio: We are having our first lesson in high-flying. Doing pretty good at it too. LEAP off the top turnbuckle, Hunter! Get some serious hang time! Christy: Say, Rey Rey. Mrs McMahon-Helmsley was just mentioning that you were looking for a travelling partner. Mysterio: Maybe, I don't have one right now. Christy: Ever since Dawn Marie got fat and left, I travel alone too. Maybe we should travel together. I sometimes share a rental with Steph and Hunter too. Mysterio: That would be great! I can share my booking ideas with Mrs McMahon-Helmsley. Christy: Then it's settled. You ride with me. Mysterio: So Hunter. You never really told me what move you've always wanted to learn. Hunter: OK fine. I would really like to learn how to do the shooting star press. Mysterio: I don't know about that, Hunter. You're kinda big to be doing a shooting star press. Do you remember what happened to Brock Lesnar? Hunter: I knew you were going to say that. A real main eventer would be able to teach anyone that move. Mysterio: Now hold on a second there. Just because someone can't teach you every move, doesn't mean they don't deserve to be a main eventer. Hunter: If you can't teach me a shooting star press, then you're not a real main eventer. You're just another mid carder working above his station. Mysterio: I never said I wouldn't be able to do it. That's just a very tall order. I'll do my best. Back at the hotel room.... Mysterio: You realize Christy that we need to help Steph and Hunter, right? Show them the true meaning of a main eventer? Christy: I suppose they are a little out of touch. But what can I do? Mysterio: Just keep the thought in her mind that the cruiserweights are excellent performers. Whenever you watch a cruiserweight match with her, praise the excellent moveset and fast paced action. She'll come around. I'll take care of Hunter. Christy: I'll do my best. Mysterio: Excellent. Good night Christy. Christy: Oh no you don't. I'm not closing my eyes until I see you get under your comforter. I really need to know - Does Mysterio sleep with his mask on or off? Mysterio: Why ON of course. The mask prevents the polluted atmosphere from weathering my face. If you ever saw me under here, you'd think I looked like a 12 year old boy, since my skin's so soft. Next day at the gym.... Mysterio: Hey Hector. You want to hit the bar later tonight and troll for skanks? Hector: I'm not really in the mood, Rey Rey. Mysterio: Something's troubling you, isn't it? Hector: You remember how I was telling you I did the masked luchador gimmick with the local indy fed? Well Dr Schillinger says that I am appearing too high on the card and that I should be jerking the curtain. Mysterio: You've been talking to Dr Schillinger? Hector: Yeah. Ted DiBiase said I might want to talk to him, so I've been going there every week. Dr Schillinger says that I wrestle above my station against bigger wrestlers because I have 'small man's complex'. Mysterio: I see. And what makes Dr Schillinger qualified to say this about you? I think he's taking you for a ride. Hector: He's not taking me for anything. He is counselling me for free because I am an interesting charity case. You know he's studied wrestling psychology for years. Mysterio: What Dr Schillinger knows about wrestling psychology I could fit in my little pinky. I don't think you should see him anymore. Hector: But I can just go there and say whatever comes into my head and he helps me realize that I am just a cruiserweight. Mysterio: Well a few things just popped into my head. I think I'm going to go tell them to Dr Schillinger. Cut to an office building where Rey Mysterio barges through a door.... Schillinger: What do you think you're doing storming into my office? Mysterio: Are you a registered sport's psychologist? Schillinger: I don't think that's any business of yours. Mysterio: Well I am a firm believer in sports psychology, and I don't appreciate it when amateurs go around spouting junk psychology. You have no right counselling Hector and telling him he has 'small man's complex'. Schillinger: Who? Mysterio: El Mystical? Schillinger: Oh, the twerp with the mask. You know he's ripping off your gimmick, right? Mysterio: You have no right telling a young kid like that he will never be a superstar because he's little. Schillinger: You share his illness, so you wouldn't understand. Hector is definately delusiuonal and I am helping. Mysterio: You're a fraud! I'm going to Vince McMahon and telling him you're out here dishing out bogus therapy. Schillinger: Get out of my office, you worthless little half-pint. Quick cut to later in the day.... Johnny Ace: Dr Schillinger! That's a nasty black eye. Schillinger: I mentioned to him that he would never be a main eventer and he just went off. Steph: You must have done something to threaten him. Schillinger: This just proves my point that he has 'small man's complex'. If you tell him he's not as good as the larger wrestlers, he gets all violent and attacks. Johnny Ace: We need to get someone else in on this and perform another examination. Where's Dr Youngblood? Schillinger: He's a surgeon. He doesn't know anything about psychology. Johnny Ace: This is rather serious. We better get a real sports psychologist in here to evaluate him. Steph: But he's taken the tests before. Nobody ever mentioned violent tendencies. Schillinger: It may be that his condition has worsened. Johnny Ace: There's no harm in getting an expert in here. If he passes the tests, he goes back to the tag team with Batista. If he doesn't, well it's better we find out now rather then have him lose it out in the ring. Down at another fan slam...... Johnny Ace: Hey Rey Rey. Vince wants you to go down to the hosptial and take some publicity photos with sick kids. He needs you to go right away. Mysterio: But I had a meeting scheduled with Vince later. I have something important to discuss with him. Johnny Ace: That can wait. The kids need to see you. There's a car waiting for you outside. Mysterio is rushed into a car and Johnny Ace tells the driver to head for Bellevue Mental Hospital in New York. Mysterio: Why are we going there? They don't have a children's ward. Johnny Ace: I'm sorry Rey Rey. You need to talk to someone. Mysterio: Does Steph know about this? Johnny Ace: Yes, she was in on the decision. Scene change to a small office with a doctor and Christy...... Doctor: Based on his results in our examination, we're going to have to hold Rey Rey here for a few days. Christy: Can I talk to him? Doctor: Be our guest. Just try not to push his buttons. Cut to Christy and Mysterio sitting in a white room with no furniture.... Christy: You blew the psych eval on purpose. Why? Mysterio: Because I really thought we were getting through to Steph and Hunter, but now I find out that she was just humoring me. Christy: Steph didn't know that you were going to be fooled into thinking you were taking promotional shots for sick kids. Mysterio: So why didn't she just tell me herself that they wanted me to see a shrink? Christy: She didn't want to hurt your feelings. Mysterio: Because I'm just a short little Mexican, right? Christy: That's not true. Mysterio: Sure it is. If they had dragged Bobby Lashley here, she'd be furious that they took away one of her up and coming superstars. But since it's just one of those little beaners, she's just a little sorry. Christy: You have to underdstand. She's been raised to believe that big = ratings. You can't just expect her to change overnight. Mysterio: But it's not just her. What about 'Dr Schillinger', if he even really is a real doctor. Christy: He has a Doctorate of Arts from Vasser. Mysterio: That's what I thought. He has some very serious people issues, yet he's allowed to work and thrive in the WWE, while I am in this dump. If he is considered normal, then I just don't want to be normal. Christy: But what about all of the fans? The little kids that are shorter than their classmates and looked to you as inspiration? What about the people close to you that care about you and your well being. Like me, and even Hunter. You know he's coming around, right? He is starting to ask for an expanded moveset in his matches. Mysterio: I suppose I shouldn't let them all down. Even if I don't win this fight, I should at least go down swinging. Let's get out of here. Christy: Just one little problem. You blew that psych eval hardcore! Mysterio: Yeah, I really did. I told them that El Santo could have headlined the WWF in the 80's. But I have faith in you. You can use your legal skills to get me out of here. Christy: I'm not a lawyer. I went to school for accounting. Mysterio: I have faith in you...... Back at Titan Towers..... Vince: YOU DID WHAT???? I don't care if he thought La Parka carried WCW! He's drawing money now and I want him out of there!! Schillinger: But... But..... Vince: BUT NOTHING! You have him out of that place by tomorrow, or YOOOOOOOOOURE FAAHHHHHHHRED! Schillinger: Yes sir. Cut to a judge's office at the courthouse...... Judge: Weight - somewhere under 200 pounds? A cruiserweight, eh? Lawyer: Yeah. He thinks that he should be main eventing. A cut and dried case for commitment. {knock at the door} Lawyer: Come in Christy. Your honor, this is Christy. She is the advocate for Rey Mysterio at today's hearing. Christy: Good morning gentlemen. Your honor, it looks like things are moving a little fast here. I just want to protect my client's rights. Judge: Makes sense. Christy: I plan to bring witneses to the formal hearing to testify on Rey Rey's behalf. Judge: But I thought this was gonna be a rubber stamp commitment. Cut and dried case of delusion and 'small man's syndrome'. Christy: You can commit him now if you wish, but I will just file an injunction to get him back out for a hearing. Back at Titan Towers..... Schillinger: Christy. I am Dr Schillinger, and I will be representing Vince McMahon in the Mysterio matter. Christy: So you're the famous Dr Schillinger, renown sports psychologist. Schillinger: Vince would like to see this go away quickly and quietly. We have enough shit going on with all the steroid stuff. What are the chances of us solving this before it hits the papers and the fans get wind of it? Christy: Publicity! The fans! That's my angle to sway the courts in our favor! Thank you for the suggestion, Dr Schillinger. Schillinger: But.... But.... At the judges home that night..... Campaign Manager: Judge Ito. You are looking a little tired lately. Maybe you should take some time off. Go fishing in Maine or something. Judge: I feel fine. Why would I want to take a vacation now? Manager: This whole Mysterio business. It's a hot potato. Wrestling is a big target right now in the senate over the whole steroids thing. A messy trial could hurt your chances for re-election. Judge: I call my cases right down the middle. I can't see me catching any heel heat for presiding over this case in a fair and honest manner. The judge's wife pops in with her grandchildren to say goodnight... Wife: Kids! Say goodnight to Grampa! Kids: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Judge: That's no way to treat your own grandfather. Wife: They are just upset about you putting that poor Rey Mysterio on trial, Lance. Manager: See what I mean? Your own family is no-selling your love. Major heel heat. Judge: Poppycock! At the courthouse....... Bailiff: Mr Mysterio. I'm sorry you have to be treated like this. Mysterio: Don't worry about me. I've got a great advocate on my side. Schillinger: So, how long you expect this proceeding to take? Lawyer: Probably a week. She will probably have Mysterio deny everything, then we start with the parade of witnesses. It can drag on for a while. Bailiff: HEAR YE! HEAR YE! ALL THOSE WITH BUSINESS BEFORE THIS COURT PLEASE RISE AND GIVE IT UP FOR THE BIG DOG, JUDGE LANCE ITOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Cheers and jeers erupt from the gallery, interlaced with 'YOU SCREWED NICOLE' chants.... Lawyer: Your honor, the commitment papers are in your possession. I'd like to get right to the witnesses. I call Rey Mysterio to the stand. Bailiff: You promise to tell the truth to the best of your ability? No swerves? Mysterio: Sure, whatever. Sup Judge? Judge: Mr Mysterio, I should remind you that this is not a trial. You do not have to answer anything you don't want to. Mysterio: That's fine your honor. I want to tell my side of the story. Lawyer: What is your name? Mysterio: Rey Mysterio Jr Lawyer: And what is your position on the card? Mysterio: That's what this hearing will decide, I guess. The crowd chants PUSH MYS-TER-I-O! {clap,clap, clap clap clap}. Judge Ito bangs the gavel. Lawyer: Seems like a sane answer. Do you think that a cruiserweight can win the world heavyweight title and carry the company? Mysterio: Yes I do. Lawyer: The state rests, your honor. Judge: Christy, do you wish to cross examine? Christy: I believe he meant to say that a cruiserweight could be a good transitional champion for a cheap spike in buyrates, but not a long term champ. Mysterio: No, I understood the question correctly. A cruiserweight can carry the company with exciting matches and charisma. The crowd gasps... Christy: (sheepishly) No further questions, your honor....... Judge: In view of this statement, do you still wih to present a defense? Christy: I do, your honor. I am well aware of my client's opinions. He feels the entire case is against him. The entire case rests on the following assumption: Rey Mysterio is not sane because he believes that a cruiserweight can be a credible champion capable of carrying a promotion over a long period of time. That's a logical and reasonable assumption, I'm afraid. At least it is for us devoted followers of the WWE. We have always been conditioned to believe that to carry the strap you have to be a 6'4" 250 pound bohemoth or bigger. The bigger the better, as a matter of fact. Judge: And anybody that thinks a 175 pound 5"4" Mexican can carry a promotion is out of their minds. Christy: Not necessarily. You're a respected judge with power and influence, right? You recognize your own social status and embrace it, correct? Does that make you delusional when you think that you are a good judge who deserves to be invited to all the right parties? Judge: I am well aware of my own self image, young lady. Rey Mysterio is the subject of this hearing, not me. Christy: I realize that your honor. If Rey Mysterio is the main event superstar he believes himself to be, then he is clearly not insane. Judge: Granted, but he is not main event material. Christy: Oh, but he is. I intend to prove that Rey Mysterio is a main eventer. Lawyer: She's nuts too! The crowd chants 'SHE'S A FRUIT LOOP' as the Judge bangs his gavel. Back at the hotel..... Christy: Hey Steph! Let's hit the town and celebrate. Steph: Celebrate what? Christy: Look at the papers! "CHRISTY DROPS DA BOMB ON COURT". Steph: I saw that. You're not serious about this, are you? Christy: Of course I am. Steph: But you can't possibly prove that he is a main eventer. Christy: Why not? They had Shane and Vince on the last episode of Nitro ever. Nobody ever thought they would see that. It's the best defense I can use. It's completely logical and unexpected. Steph: And idiotic. What does the rest of the locker room say about this? Christy: They say that I am jeopardizing the prestige and dignity of the world's largest wrestling promotion, and that if I don't drop this immediately Randy Orton is going to harass me on the phone at all hours. So I decided to quit! Steph: You didn't! Christy: But Rey Rey needs me! And the world needs him! Steph: You can't throw away your career that you've worked all these months to have on a frivolous court hearing. When you lose this case, all anybody will remember you for is being the crazy lady that thought Rey Mysterio was going to be champion. Christy: You have no faith in me... Steph: It's not about faith. It's about common sense. Christy: Faith is believing in something when common sense tells you not to. It's not just Rey Rey on trial. It's everything he stands for. Pushes for cruiserweights, more highspots and all of those intangeable 'it factors' that make a superstar. Steph: You're talking like a mark! This is the wrestling business. You don't get far with a moveset and a personality. Logic has to come in somewhere. Bigger IS better! How can you have a champion that can't even step over the top rope? It's just not right. Christy: Well I guess we have different ways of measuring the marketability of a superstar. Some day you're going to find out that your way of facing the wrestling business just doesn't work. And when you do, don't overlook those 'unimportant' characteristics like moveset and personality. You'll discover that they are the only characteristics that matter in a champion. Back in court.... Christy: State your name for the court. Vince: Vincent Kennedy McMahon. Christy: You run the biggest wrestling promotion in the world? Vince: The biggest! Christy: Who is that short man in the mask over there? Vince: That's Rey Mysterio Jr Christy: He works for you? Vince: Yes, he is one half of the tag team champions. Christy: Do you believe him to be a truthful man? Vince: Yes Christy: Do you believe him to be of sound mind? Vince: Yes I do. Lawyer: Mr McMahon, you are under oath here. Do you really believe this man is a main eventer? Vince: Well..... He gives every indication that he could be...... Lawyer: Do you believe he is a main eventer? Vince: Yes. Yes I do. Lawyer: Oh really? Christy: Your honor, asked and answered! Lawyer: Your honor! This young lady is making a mockery of this court. Everybody knows that a cruiserweight can not be in the main event! Christy: I believe that it's a matter of opinion. Lawyer: This is ridiculous! We are wasting the court's time. I demand a ruling on this matter. Can a cruiserweight be main event material, or is he destined to languish in the mid card forever? Judge: The court will take a recess to rule on this matter Back in the judges chambers........ Campaign manager: I don't give a shit what happens to the little Mexican, but if you go out there and say that a cruiserweight can NEVER be a main eventer, then you might as well come out and tell the children that wrestling is fake, too! Kiss your re-election goodbye. Judge: But I am a responsible judge. I've taken an oath to be honest and fair in my rulings. I can't go out there and say that a cruiserweight is a credible main eventer. Manager: Why not? Look at it this way. You go out there and rule that cruiserweights can't be in the main event. People stop paying attention to the cruiserweights, because they know that nothing will ever become of them. The cruisers quit and go get jobs accounting or teaching. The children get bored because there are no high-flying moves to capture their attention. They stop watching and all you're left with is a bunch of 40 year old virgins watching the product and bitching constantly. The wrestling industry dies without a new generation to buy tickets and merchandise. Billions of dollars are removed from the economy and it collapses, causing riots and eventually full out civil war. Anarchy consumes the country and the only people left to survive are the Republicans, because they have all the guns! You're a Democratic judge. You ain't getting re-elected then. Judge: uh...... wow! So when does your commitment hearing start? Back in the court....... Bailiff: All rise! Judge: Before making this decision, I consulted a lot of old cases looking for precedent. I couldn't find anything, but I did get the general feeling from the boys backstage that the drawing power of cruiserweights is up for debate. Some think that cruisers are only filler to warm up the crowds before the real show starts, while others believe that many fans come to the shows specifically to see them. I believe this court should keep an open mind, so I will allow the evidence to be presented. Lawyer: You're a nutjob too! Luckily the burden of proof lies with Christy over there. Can she provide compelling evidence to support her theory? Christy: I believe that I can. The defense calls Jack McCoy Jr. Lawyer: My son? You can't do that! Judge: She can. Please take the stand, son. You know the difference between telling the truth and telling a lie? Little Jack: Daddy says I should never tell a lie. Judge: Are you sure you're a lawyer? Lawyer: That's prejudicial your honor. Judge: Go ahead, Christy. Christy: Jack, who is the world champion right now? Jack: Batista! Christy: That's right. And who is his tag team partner, with whom he holds the tag team belts? Jack: Rey Mysterio! That's him over there. Christy: And do you think they are good champions? Jack: Why yes. They beat MNM to get them. Christy: So they went OVER MNM? Jack: That's correct. Christy: Was it a credible victory? Jack: Yes. Rey hit the 619 on MNM and Batista hit his powerbomb to win. Christy: Could Batista have hit the powerbomb if Rey Mysterio hadn't hit the 619? Jack: No. Christy: Why do you say that? Jack: Because my daddy said that Rey Rey set up Batista with the 619. Batista would have never been in position to hit the Batista Bomb without him. The lawyer smacks his forehead..... Christy: So your daddy says that Batista needs Rey Mysterio? Jack: Yes. He says that since Batista is injured, Rey Mysterio needs to be there to take all the sick bumps and make the match look believable. The crowd chants 'YOU FUCKED UP' while pointing at the lawyer. Judge: You're excused Jack. Lawyer: The state concedes that Rey Mysterio is a credible tag team champion. We could produce evidence otherwise, but we feel that it would prolong this hearing unnecessarily. We do request that the defense get on to proving that cruiserweights can be a credible champion on their own. Judge: Christy, can you prove this? Christy: Not at this time, but we request an adjournement until tomorrow. Judge: Granted. Court is adjourned. Back at the McMahon-Helmsley household..... Christy: ...so Rey Mysterio is on trial. Hunter: Did he hurt someone? Christy: No. Wait. Yes he did, but that's not what the trial is for. You see, Rey Rey believes that he could outdraw a heavyweight like Randy Orton or even you. In fact, he thinks that any cruiserweight is just as entitled to the heavyweight championship as any other wrestler. Hunter: Well, I doubt he could outdraw me, but I could see him being a bigger star than Randy. Steph: There are many people that don't believe that Hunter. Hunter: But he has ch... cha... cha-risma? Is that how you say it? And workrate, too! Isn't that enough? Steph: I think that maybe, it just could be. At a post office..... Postie #1: Check this letter out, Bill. Some kid is writing a letter to Rey Mysterio, but it's addressed to the courthouse downtown. Postie #2: Yeah, he's on trial now. It's in all the papers. Postie #1: So if we forward the letter to the courthouse, will it actually get to him? Postie #2: If someone delivers it, it will. Postie #1: Isn't he a cruiserweight? Who writes fan mail to a cruiserweight? Postie #2: Really. It's like that big ass room we have full of letters for wrestlers nobody has ever heard of. Postie #1: Probably all cruiserweights, too. Postie #2: I wonder if we brought the letters to the courthouse if Mysterio would deliver them to the cruiserweights? Postie #1: Good idea. I'll go get a truck. Back at the courthouse....... Christy: Rey Rey, I've talked to all the wrestling experts I could find. Meltzer, Keller, hell I even dug up the corpse of Verne Gagne and talked to him. Nobody is willing to come out and say with 100% certainty that cruiserweights can draw. Lawyer: Your honor, look at them. This is over. They have nothing to offer us. It's Christmas Eve, for Christ sakes! Let's just get this over with already and sign the commitment papers. Judge: Do you have ANYTHING to offer the courts that could be of value, Miss Hemme? Christy: In fact I do, your honor. It is from the US Postal service. You see they are a government agency as well as a multi-billion dollar a year business. Just last year alone they handled over ten billion packages, and they have a less than one percent complaint rate. Judge: This has a point? Christy: Please let me continue. The post office is a well run and very efficient business. They operate with the highest degree of integrity and expedience. Lawyer: Uh, if it will move this three ring circus along, the state is willing to concede that the post office is indeed really really neato and above reproach..... Christy: On the record? Lawyer: Yeah, what the fuck. That's an official declaration of the state of New York. Now can we just get to a point? Christy: Then I would like to introduce into evidence these five letters that just arrived today and have been delivered here to Mr Mysterio. They are what is commonly known as 'fan letters'. You know, fans? The people that actually buy the pay per views and merchandise? Lawyer: So five letters are supposed to prove that Rey Mysterio is a main event draw? How do we know that's not just from his kids? I bet he has at least eight of them. Mysterio: HEY! I Resent that! Christy: But this is just one day, and for one cruiserweight wrestler. Imagine all of the fan letters that are sent out weekly, monthly even yearly to all of the WWE cruiserweights. Surely... Lawyer: Without concrete numbers, it's all just speculation and not admissable in a hearing such as this. Christy: Well I do have more. Judge: So let's see them! Christy: Well your honor, I don't think you really want to do that. Judge: Come come now! I want to see this evidence, or I can not consider it. Christy: If you insist..... A large dump truck smashes through the south wall of the courtroom. A medium sized man with a pony tail emerges from the cab of the truck surrounded in a cloud of pot smoke... Driver: DUUUUUUUUUUUDE! This mail is, like, all for cruiserweights and shit. They were never delivered because they had such names on the envelopes as Paul London, Brian Kendrick and Juventud Guerrera. Nobody at Titan Towers had ever heard of these guys so the mail was refused. This big ass truckload right here is just the shit that has come in since SumerSlam. We have no choice but to burn it every six months. Christy: Your honor! This man, a valued employee of the US Postal Service.... Driver: DUUUUUUDE! That's just until my knee heals. Then I'll be right back doing moonsaults off the top rope and shit. Christy: The same US postal Service that the court and the state earlier recognized as honest, ethical and above reproach has stated that these letters are all for cruiserweights. Since there has to be at least a million here, that is surely proof enough that the cruiserweights have enough fans to push buyrates through the roof! Judge: In light of this evidence presented by a respected member of the United States Postal Service, the court finds that the fan base for cruiserweight wrestlers IS large enough to increase buyrates and merchandise sales on their own merits. This case is dismissed! Mysterio: Hallelujah! Feliz Navidad and all that Christmassy shit. Let's get the fuck out of here and go put on a show! Back at the arena.... Steph: Hey Rey Rey? Me and Hunter are having a little Christmas dinner tonight. Do you want to join us? Mysterio: We tape SmackDown tonight. I won't be able to make it. Steph: Oh silly me. I forgot. Knock 'em dead, Rey Rey. Vince: Rey Rey, the courts say that you CAN be a main eventer, and I guess that's good enough for me. Mysterio: So does that mean I can win the title while Batista's off on injury? Vince: Actually, Randy Orton has just finished his feud with The Undertaker. We think he might be good to take the strap off of Batista and run with it. Mysterio: So.... So.... What does that leave for me? Vince: You're going to be in a very important program. I need you to elevate the Boogeyman to the next level. Mysterio: You're gonna job me out to a fucking circus freak? I can't believe it. Vince: But Rey Rey! It's high profile! Lots of TV time and even a pay per view match! Mysterio: Oh, I guess so..... Rey Rey hangs his head and slowly walks away. Steph: Daddy..... Look at him. Vince: You're right. It is Christmas. Hey Rey Rey? Mysterio: {stops and turns} Yes Mr McMahon? Vince: How about you be the main event for Velocity this week? Mysterio: Fuck off.... Just, seriously..... Fuck right off! Rey Rey drops his head and walks away. Vince: {to Steph} What's his problem? Hunter: Mr Mysterioooooooooo! I believe in you! You ARE a main eventer! Look! You taught me how to do a shooting star press! Only a main eventer can do that! Mysterio turns to watch as Hunter climbs on a table, leaps off and lands smack dead on his face. Mysterio: God fucking damnit! Disco Dave - No refunds! |