Here’s some of the major titles coming out on video next week and I tell you if they’re worth your time. Next week: Wonder Woman’s tits, Bernie Mac’s death movie and a film named after a continent. Wheee.
Bruce Timm uses his knowledge of all things DCU and fleshes out the manliest woman this side of Giganta. The story follows how Princess Diana comes to wear very little in becoming Wonder Woman and taking out the god of war, Ares. Not Kratos, you dumb fucks. The animation is what you’d expect it to be if you’ve ever watched Batman: The Animated Series and for a re-telling of WW’s origin, it’s pretty good. More violent that I expected it to be and some nice comic touches make this a good rental. Though I guess if you want to watch an animated woman wearing tight underwear jumping around with her tits almost falling out you could just download some hentai flick, but just think of how we’ll judge you if you do that. You sick bastard. (Hentai reviews to follow…)
My Take: I say rent it, but I like Bruce Timm’s shit. Literally. Yummy yum yum.
Rotten Tomatoes: Nuthin’
You know what? I saw like four different trailers for this movie and the running time for those is actually longer than the amount of time I tried to sit down and watch this. FUCK Beverly Hills Chihuahua. If you’re over ten and like this shit, I don’t ever want to meet you.
My Take: Re-read the third sentence.
Rotten Tomatoes: 40%
“MOULIN ROUGE’s Baz Luhrman and Nicole Kidman reteam for this epic that pays homage to their homeland. In AUSTRALIA, Lady Sarah Ashley (Kidman) is a prim and proper Englishwoman who journeys to Australia in the years before World War II reached the country’s shores. She is determined to have her estranged husband sell his cattle ranch to a monopoly-craving businessman named King Carney (Bryan Brown), but when she arrives, Lord Ashley is dead, and her plan to sell the ranch changes when she sees an employee named Fletcher (David Wenham) cheating her husband’s business and mistreating a young boy named Nullah (Brandon Walters) because he is of mixed race. Urged on by both pride and a sense of justice, Lady Ashley”…bla bla bla bla, Jesus. I’m bored just READING what this is about. Your girlfriend better be blowing you as you rent this for all this is worth.
My Take: Three….fucking…hours without a mention of vegemite, Crocodile Dundee or giant cans of beer. Australia my ass.
Rotten Tomatoes: 54%
Yeah, because Dumb and Dumberer and Son of the Mask worked SO well, we get another sequel to a Jim Carrey movie that he was never going to be involved with. This one has his son following in his footsteps. Originally supposed to be a theatrical movie (!) this has instead gone direct to video, no doubt with good reason. I almost feel bad for the fatty playing Ace’s son. At least the guy from Dumb and Dumberer looks like Carrey.
Rotten Tomatoes: Nuthin’
The movie that not only killed Bernie Mac’s career…but Bernie Mac himself! Ha ha ha ho ho ho hee hee hee haw haw haw. Isaac Hayes too, but to hell with that guy. I didn’t mind Bernie Mac, his stand up and television show were funny but somehow he never broke out in movies. Unfortunately his last movie didn’t go anywhere either. Heath Ledger dies after making one of the most successful movies ever created and Mac’s death film barely pulled in $12 mil with Samuel Jackson as a co-star. Not that it’s a fair comparison but Jesus, you’d think a life ending movie would make more…oh wait, I’ve just thought of like five other actors’ death movies and they all bombed cause they sucked balls. Dark Knight must’ve been an anomaly…
My Take: Decent if there’s nothing else on the wall to compare it to.
Rotten Tomatoes: 45%