A killer doll franchise that started off well but got worse and weirder as the sequels went on. It actually carries two of the worst movies I’ve ever seen, which is certainly no small feat I assure you.
It’s been sometime since I’ve done one of these, but what the hell, I’ve put off doing this series for too long. The first “Box” I did was concerning the entire Puppet Master series, so now I give to you another killer doll franchise from Full Moon!
Directed by: Peter Manoogian
Written by: David Goyer (Batman Begins, Dark Knight, Blade, etc)
Starring: Tracy Scoggins, Bentley Mitchem and Daniel Cerny
Synopsis: A dynamic duo of undercover police detectives screw up an arms deal and one of them gets killed. The other detective, Judith Gray (Scoggins), decides to go after the guys who killed her partner/lover and chase them into an old toy warehouse. It just so happens the warehouse is home to a demon that’s waiting to be reborn and guess who’s pregnant?
Review: What’s this have to do with killer toys? Well the demon, lying in wait for 66 years, uses his remaining power to animate toys to kill everyone and secure the woman. One thing I’ve come to learn is to never expect Shakespeare from Charles Band and Full Moon Pictures. (Hard to believe David “Batman Begins” Goyer wrote this, huh?) The toys he brings to life: a Jack-in-the-box with razor sharp teeth, a robot that can shoot lasers, a teddy bear with claws, and my favorite, a foul-mouthed baby doll.
The cop winds up having some help against the tiny terrors with the night watchmen, the chicken delivery guy the fat ass watchmen called earlier, and a runaway girl who apparently lives in the heat ducts? I’d probably put my money on the toys. If you’re getting your life threatened by a killer baby doll, chances are your life sucked in the first place.
Meanwhile, while all this is happening, there’s another fight going on. The child version of the demon is battling the cop’s child in another dimension as she watches on. How do they do battle? By playing the card game, War. Subtle. These scenes are shown throughout the movie, to show some sort of psychological warfare going on, other than the gory battle going on outside this realm.
Alright, so the story’s there just enough to string you along til you get to the good stuff. The movie’s quite gory, thank God. Teddy bites some fingers off, Jack chews off a dude’s face, Baby Oopsy stabs someone in the face and eye and then my favorite scene. Oopsy goes after the guard with some smack talk. “I can walk, I can talk, I can even shit my pants. Can you shit your pants?” He proceeds to shoot the guard in the leg and stab him in the balls. Yeeeeaah. The weirdest scene is probably when Teddy morphs into a fucking Sasquatch to go after the good guys. Speaking of that…
The blood fx are good, but the puppet effects are very simple. Not that it needed to be overly complicated but you can really tell that most of the toys are just hand puppets. Except when Teddy turns into Sasquatch, that’s a full body suit. You’ll rarely see the toys moving on their own on screen, it’s mostly close ups so you don’t see the arms coming out of their asses.
Overall: Band basically rips off his own killer toy franchise, Puppet Master, just switching out the puppets for new killers. It’s silly, sometimes downright stupid, but it’s still a gory, entertaining waste of time.
Directed by: Albert Pyun (Cyborg)
Written by: Charles Band and David Pabian
Starring: Tim Thomerson (Trancers) and Jackie Earle Haley (Rorschach, bitch!)
Synopsis: Brick Bardo, basically an intergalactic Dirty Harry, chases after a villain through outerspace and onto Earth. But there’s a “small” problem. He’s normal height on his planet but on ours he’s only 13” tall. Haw haw! He befriends a woman who’s troubled by gangs so he takes them out while going after his nemesis.
Review: Well, it’s an interesting premise. But that’s all it has going for it. Other than the scenes where he’s on another planet, the space chase and Bardo’s nemesis being a floating head, this is just another good guys vs. gang thugs movie. And is it ever dull.
This could’ve been a decent action/comedy but they play it pretty serious which brings it down and the lack of action hurts it even more. Maybe there are some out here who will be moved by Brick’s predicament and helping the community by getting rid of the gangs, but I’d rather see him take out waves of gang members while trying to get his rocks off fucking a Barbie doll. But that’s just me. The gimmick isn’t used to its fullest potential.
I like Tim Thomerson, but he essentially plays the same guy in every movie I’ve ever seen him in. He may as well be Jack Deth from Trancers in this movie. It works, but it was probably an easy paycheck for him. The biggest surprise for me was seeing Jackie Earle Haley in this. I’ve seen this movie several times (don’t ask why) and he never stood out until I saw his name on the credits this time. Not that he’s all that great in this film but he rocked my tits off as Rorschach in Watchmen. I guess everyone has to start small. I’m not even trying with these stupid puns, really.
There’s a couple of nice bloody scenes, especially Brick using his arm cannon of a gun to turn some guy’s body into dust and the floating head getting crushed by a full sized human. Other than that, it’s just standard bullet shots throughout the movie.
Overall: Nice idea, but Dollman turns out to be a boring ass, but at least competently made, movie.
Directed by Charles Band
Written by Charles Band, David Goyer, and Jackson Barr
Starring Tim Thomerson and Tracy Scoggins
Tits? Again, no.
Synopsis: Scoggins returns as Detective Gray taking on…well, demonic toys. But why? And after they were pretty much defeated in the first movie? Who knows? They care not to explain this. She enlists the help of Brick Bardo, because who else can fight toys that the man the size of a toy? His girlfriend, Ginger (from another Full Moon movie “Bad Channels” that I haven’t had the chance to watch before) comes along for the ride. Probably cause Judith’s knockers are way bigger than hers. A clusterfuck of a movie ensues.
Review: Well, I really have to state that whatever story here is incredibly thin at best and pretty much non-existent. Judith Gray goes after the toys but they were pretty much killed off in the first movie and other than just wanting to destroy them (again), there’s nothing more to the story. And when she goes to get Brick, we are then treated to about half an hour’s worth of footage from Dollman. Yeah. You’re essentially re-watching that thing as Brick tells the back story as to how he got on Earth and what he did when he got here. UGH! The other half hour is dedicated to the actual movie. That’s right, this movie’s run time is an hour. Well, 65 minutes. But that is it. And only half the movie is new footage. What a crock!
Oh you had to watch this too, huh?
So to sum up what happens when they get in the warehouse: Bardo shoots things and has to fight an evil G.I. Joe-type character (replacing Teddy), Ginger is almost raped by Baby Oopsy (probably the highlight of the movie) and Judith Gray gets killed off before the toys are finally destroyed. Good riddance.
The effects are just awful. Despite that they had a budget enough to make large sets to make Brick and Ginger seem tiny, everything else is laughable. From the shitty stop-motion spider Brick saves Ginger from to the giant Baby Oopsy trying to tear off Ginger’s clothes.
Prepare to be “stuffed!”
And don’t get me started on the acting. Jesus, it’s no fun watching people act like they KNOW they got an easy paycheck coming. A weekend of speaking someone else’s lines and here’s your money! Bleh.
Overall: Pure shit. Despite its ridiculously short runtime, it’s painful to watch. You’re watching Dollman with a wraparound as a sequel. You’re better off watching the trailer; it’s more entertaining than the whole movie.
Directed by Ted Nicolau
Written by A Monkey
Starring Corey Feldman, Vanessa Angel
Tits? No amount of tits could save this movie! They could’ve tried though.
Synopsis: Throwing any canon from the previous films out the window into a burning sea of horseshit, the evil head of a toy company is also a demon worshipping bitch. She intends to kill millions of children by delivering demonic toys to them all around the world. And it’s up to a descendent of Andre Toulon to stop her.
Review: I was actually saving this for something new I was going to do for the website but due to camera issues, it wasn’t going to turn out very well. So I scrapped it and just watched it instead intending to throw out a quick review like the others here. But Jesus, I don’t think I want to write about it, I’ll go on forever. This movie is SO bad! There’s not one good thing I can say about it without giving a backhanded compliment immediately afterward.
The biggest name the Puppet Master series has is now Corey Feldman, though if they could re-animate the corpse of William Hickey, he’d still be better than Feldman ever was. It’s not even funny to make fun of how bad he is, he acts as though he were making a children’s movie and it clearly isn’t. All the other actors are of Feldman-like quality or are locals of a shitty European country because that’s where the movie was filmed.
The effects are pretty good, by early 90’s standards. Now they’re ungodly to watch. And the puppets and toys? All remade and look awful. The Jack-in-the-box looks especially terrible. It’s beyond awful. And they get worse when the puppets are burned and Feldman’s character enhances them with cybernetic parts. Yeah…
Overall: Without a doubt one of the worst movies I have ever seen. EVER. What could’ve been an interesting silly horror movie is turned into a movie disaster of near epic proportions.
Rating: 0/10 and may God have mercy on the souls of the makers of this movie.