Raw Member When?
Hello, my intended…
Tonight we’re allegedly having a Raw Reunion, where a bunch of the old fossils still under ‘Legends Contracts’ have to come out and tell us what a swell fellow Vince McMahon is, and how grateful they are that he let them make him millions of dollars. Kind of like those Pride Parades from last month, except without the pride. So, hell, yeah, I’m gonna be here for it. The arthritis is keeping me from regularly pounding out these three-hour tours, I admit; but since they’re reportedly bringing in Ted DiBiase to be Thurston Howell III, I might as well climb aboard the S.S.Minnow for the wreck we all know is coming.
Sure, DiBiase is supposedly living his life according to the example set by King David (according to his online church, anyway) but I don’t think Vince is gonna give ol’ Punkinhead the microphone long enough to get any Scripture out. I’m generally skeptical of folks that’ve lived it up up until they couldn’t live it up anymore – because they either ran out of gas or money – and then decide to pass the reins to Jeebuz and want to tell everybody else how THEY ought to live. Yeah, you had YOUR fun; but now nobody else should have any, right Ted?
That, in a nutshell, is why everybody hates you Born-Agains and Evangelicals.
But we’re talking about different cocksuckers tonight, folks. Tonight we’ve got a full roster of Vince’s Kiss My Ass Club set to sing for their suppers and maybe get slapped around by one or two of the current heels – or saved from it by one or two of the current babyfaces. Got to get that rub somehow, and it’s sure as shit not going to be from their own talent. Why on earth would we use THAT when we’ve got Hollywood Writers™? Pay attention. We’ll maybe even work in a few plugs for Steve Austin’s new reality show or that killer alligator movie they’re producing. Oh, and Summerslam. Hey, we might even pencil in a couple wrestling matches. Maybe.
Ah well, here we go. Live from Tampa, Florida. Rrrrrrrapadoooo! John Cena comes out to a decent pop. Getting the A-listers out early, are we? I thought he retired last year. The commentary team put him over huge as the 16-time World Champ, and then he gets a mic. He soaks in the adulations a bit, then says “Wait, all he had to do was be part of the Reunion and everyone would’ve been nice to him?” The crowd cheers him. Cena tells us Hogan, Flair, D-X, and Stone Cold would be here – so he could NOT miss this. This is his home. He says even though he hasn’t been around as often as he used to be, this is his heart, you are his family, and he’s been here since day one, so let’s get the party started.
So the Usos come out and say “Whoa” a whole bunch. They suggest they and Cena do some dope rhymes, I suppose because they’ve got the rhymes and he’s the dope. Cena tries to leave the ring, but they call him out for leaving ‘his home’ for the movie biz. Cena comes back into the ring and does a quick bar about the Usos being booked a couple weeks back. The Usos let it slide, then call out their dad, Rikishi. He looks like he lost some weight. He gets in the ring with Cena and his kids and Cena leads a Rikishi chant, then tries to leave. Rikishi calls him back to the ring.
Rikishi says he can’t let him leave without busting a move, so let’s do this. He calls for the music to hit – but the Revival come out to break things up. They also get some backup – D-Von Dudley.
We cut to the back and Jimmy Hart is chatting with Hogan, who is feeling pumped and is wondering if maybe he’ll get to put himself over one of the other dudes tonight. Ah, Creative Control Clauses, you never cease to amaze me…
Commercials. M&Ms are cannibals. Please tell me how this sells candy.
Booker T is called in to help the broadcast team, who need all the help they can get. The Usos start off with Jay against the Dawson guy, then get in some kicks and a crossbody. The Revival try some double-team, but Wilder gets clobbered off the apron. Dawson stunguns Jay off the top rope, then gets Wilder in for some two-on-one. Backdrop Suplex on Jay, then tags in Dawson. Some brawlies and tags in Wilder for some ground and pound. Tag in Dawson for a double-team Suplex. Tag in Wilder for a Snapmare and a Rear Chinlock to slow things down as Jay tries to fight his way out of danger. Dawson tries to block a tag, but gets fed the nearside buckle and Jimmy gets the hot tag.
Jimmy is a house of fire, knocking the Revival around, but Dawson gets a blind tag in and gets in some work. Looks like D-Von might want to get involved, but Rikishi calls a halt to it. They mean-mug each other and Dawson gets in between them from the ring as Jimmy gets his shit together. Superkick. Dawson gets pinned. Oops, non-title match.
Torrie Wilson shows up to hang with some of the current Divas, as does Santino. They ask about the cobra, which he has handy. Then Drew McIntyre comes out to kill the fun as only a big Scottish loser can. He storms off as Cole reminds us he lost to the little black cruiserweight last week.
Commercials. Good Boys looks to be the funniest thing to hit the movies this year and I’m probably going to go see it, even if it IS from Seth Rogen.
Welcome back to the Raw Reunion, says Charlie. She welcomes us with Carmella and R-Truth, who was in costume at the SDCC. They were visited by the Hurricane, who pinned Truth for two. Then Drake tries to pin him wearing a chicken suit, but only gets two. They cut back to the interview and Drake’s wife comes up and takes issue with Truth, but Carmella moves to block. Drake comes in to schoolboy Truth from behind and gets the win, then he legs it with the belt. Truth pursues with Carmella and Drake’s wife. Charlie gets to finish the segment with a sudden appearance of Papa Shango, er, I mean the Godfather…
McIntyre comes to the ring looking right annoyed, then Cedric Alexander comes out to battle him. Drew comes with the early clobbering before the bell, but Cedric battles back with the floppity-floo. Drew gets the upper hand and gives Cedric the Inverted Alabama Slam into the ring apron. Cedric is ruined.
Still to come, the Viking Raiders… Vikings, Paul. VIKINGS! It’s good shit!
Commercials. Everyone is surprised Burger King makes a taco for a buck. Except me. I’m surprised people are fucking eating it.
Drake the new 24-7 Champ is running around in the back and he comes across a box of worms and the Boogeyman. He shits his pants trying to run, then trips over the box of worms. Pat Patterson comes out and puts a foot on his chest – getting three. Pat’s the new 24-7 Champ. Christian comes out to join the announce team and Lillian comes to rejoin the ring crew. She calls down the Viking Raiders, who may just decide to carry her offsite for a ravishing – but first they get a video package to show us how intimidating they are before one of them gets injured… Their opponents, Kurt Hawkins and Zack Raider, says Lillian. Gee, I love live TV.
Ryder and Hawkins start off with some double teams on Erik, but Ryder eventually gets mushed and eats some crossfaces. Tag to Ivar who lays in some brutal clubbing shots, then a tag to Erik. Erik slams Ivar onto Ryder, then tries a pin. Gets two. Ryder gets a tag to Hawkins, who tries to get some regrouping outside with Ryder, but Erik hits them with a suicida and throws Hawkins back in. Hawkins gets thrashed with the Viking Experience. 1-2-3.
Cut to the back where some of the legends are partying. Maria the Microphone Skank reads her husband the riot act, gets invited to Smackdown by ATM Eric, and then tells her husband he’s got to come rub lotion on her belly so she don’t get stretch marks because her modeling career is what’s gonna provide for the kid – damned sure not his wrestling. Ron Simmons borrows Jimmy Hart’s megaphone to put over ‘Damn’ just that much more.
The Club is in the back pondering a celebration, because THEY run Monday nights. Seems Styles will be battling Rollins, and once he’s done whipping Rollins – if he don’t stay down, they can show him the error of his ways as a message to everyone else.
Looks like Patterson lost the title to his fellow stooge Gerald Brisco, and he calls him a stooge. Brisco says it takes one to know one, and he rolls for it – bumping into Kelly Kelly. Kelly says hi – then knees Brisco in the nuts and pins him to become the new 24-7 Champ.
Samoa Joe comes out and bellyaches about our addiction to nostalgia and what a disgrace it is to miss out on seeing Samoa Joe wrecking shit, instead seeing Rikishi and his kids hobnobbing with Cena. Roman Reigns comes out to break up the bull session and strides slowly to the ring. Joe is non-plussed. Reigns gets some love from the fans at ringside, then gets into the ring. Roman’s got a mic and says if Joe’s got something to say about his family, go ahead and say it. Joe says he already said it. Reigns says, “Well, you from the same island. You know what happens next.” Joe says yea and takes a shot. Roman blocks and starts throwing leather. Joe rakes the eyes and then starts bouncing Roman around the barriers on the outside. He tosses Reigns back in and goes to punches and headbutts, knocking Roman back outside. Joe comes out after him and says, “What about your family, huh? You ain’t doing nothing about it.” He throws Roman back in and starts to follow him, but gets fed a Superman Punch.
Now Joe suddenly doesn’t want to scuffle so much, since the people seem to want to see them fight and he don’t want to do it for these people. Roman says, “I’m sorry people, not all Samoans are cowards.” Joe stops and asks if Roman *really* wants this match. Roman says yeah. Joe says he got it. A referee comes out to make it official.
Commercials. What the hell, Purge the TV Show is getting a second season?
Bell rings and Roman starts it off with some overhand punches, then tries a shoulder charge into the nearside corner, but Joe dodges and Roman eats the post. Joe goes to the mat with a Snapmare and follows up with a Neck Wrench. Roman powers out and punches Joe away, then tries to run the ropes but gets shoulderblocked flat. Joe goes to the Neck Wrench again, so Reigns elbows his way out. Follows up with a headbutt, but Joe yanks him and Reigns falls to the outside – but lands on his feet. Joe capitalizes with a suicida, then rolls Roman back inside for some punches and chops.
Samoa Joe throws Reigns through the ropes to the outside and tries another attack, but Reigns catches him with a flying knee and then puts him back into the ring. Reigns with some Mounted Punches in the farside corner, then tries to go for the Superman Punch. Joe catches him and counters with an Inverted Atomic Drop and follows up with a Standing Senton. Joe steps back and waits for Reigns to regain a vertical base, then clamps on the Cochina Clutch. Reigns staggers to the ropes and flips Joe off his back through the ropes – Joe lands ugly on the apron. Joe comes wobbling back into the ring and Reigns feeds him the Spear. 1-2-3.
Next up, Miz-TV. We’re reminded there’s new episodes coming of their reality show, and Miz-TV will have Seth Rollins as his guest. But first
Commercials. Idris Elba will be beating up The Rock and the Transporter in the latest installment of the Fast and Furious, called Hobbs and Shaw. THAT’s what you decided to do instead of being the next Bond, Elba? Fire your fucking agent, man. From a cannon.
Here we are for Miz-TV. Excitement. Excitement. Miz puts over his show. He then tells us how Seth will be challenging Brock at Summerslam, but hey, let’s have Seth come out and tell us himself. Seth comes to the ring. We get highlights from last week’s battle royale where Seth pulled it out over nine other dudes, and then Miz talks it up some. Miz shows us how Rollins lost the title at Extreme Rules, getting bounced around by Corbin a while before Lesnar got in some free hits and took the title back home for a few months. Seth says who wouldn’t want to be Brock Lesnar. Well, him. He doesn’t wanna be Brock. Brock wants to be him. Paul Heyman comes onto the ‘Tron and takes issue with that idea. Paul says Seth should quit bitching, because Rollins pulled that same shit on Brock at WM31. Seth says yeah he did, but it took Brock four years to do anything about it, and we both know why. Because Brock ain’t shit. Paul comes out to press his case, but Seth says if he keeps up his shit, he’ll put his head through the stage. Paul begs off and legs it. Seth says we’ve been sold a bill of goods from Paul, that Brock is a monster, a beast, a conqueror – but he’s a man. And a man can lose – and he WILL lose at Summerslam. Oh, yeah, Seth’s gonna fight Styles tonight, too. See you later.
Cut to the back and Sami Zayn is talking shit about the old has-beens. Mysterio steps up and tells him to show respect for the people that paved the way for him. He tells Rey he’ll do no such thing. Kurt Angle says they should settle it in the ring. Rey says fine, but Zayn looks unsure.
Commercials. Your kid could be popular if you give him a thousand dollar iPad and an Xfinity account. You want your kid to be popular, don’t you? Not like YOU, right? Dig in those pockets, you melvin!
Kelly Kelly shows off her title to Mileena, but gets clobbered and pinned. 1-2-3. Mileena celebrates, but gets it taken away from her by some older broad in a ponytail. She leaves with the title, saying she won’t have it for long, confusing everyone.
Mysterio comes to the ring, them comes Zayn. Coach comes to help the broadcast team. Bell rings and they circle each other. Zayn with an arm wringer, which Rey flips out of easily. Zayn tries some brawlies and throwing Rey to the outside, but Rey lands on the apron and clocks Zayn, backing him up. Rey goes to the top, but Zayn knocks him off into the Tree of Woe, then kicks him a couple times and drags him into the middle of the ring for some Chinlock. Zayn goes for a slam, but Rey counters with a head scissor. Zayn counters with a Powerbomb. Gets two.
Rey gets up and starts working the midsection. Sami tries a Wheelbarrow Suplex, but Rey counters and tangles him in the ropes for the 619. Zayn leaves the ring and tries to escape up the ramp. RVD comes out to block. So does Sgt. Slaughter. So does the Hurricane. So does Kurt Angle. They march shoulder to shoulder down the ramp. Sami comes back into the ring and gets drop-toed into the ropes. Hits the 619. Rey back up the buckles and hits the Frog Splash. 1-2-3. Rey comes out to get congratulations from all the other legends as Zayn lays there in ruins.
Cut to the back as a limousine drives up and its passenger disembarks. It’s Ric Flair. Let’s hope this visit goes better than his last one, shall we?
Commercials. The Nestle Crunch bar is now called simply Crunch; probably because Nestle is being such a pack of bastards lately, but they still want you to buy their products. Too bad people like me keep fucking that plan up, huh?
The NXT Tag Champs are acting the fool in the back some more. Seems one of them got the smoke from RVD, so he’s getting some eyedrops in now. They were all in the lavatory, see, palling around with Mark Henry and Ric Flair and Kelly Kelly. The Street Prophets, ladies and gents.
Aha, it seems Alundra Blaze was the one that took the 24-7 Championship Belt. She reminds us that she told us she wasn’t going to be the champ for long, and pulls out a wastebasket. Ah. Then out comes Ted DiBiase with an offer to buy the belt instead of letting her do something she’ll regret. She takes the fistful of dollars and passes him the belt. Ted laughs and leaves with the belt.
Well, that was… Something.
Commercials. They’re getting a lot of mileage out of that Doritos Time Machine spot. What’s it, like, six years old now? That kid will really be that old guy when they’re done using it, probably.
We get a quick look at Bray Wyatt’s mask, then Jerry Lawler comes out to the announce table. Next out is AJ Styles, with his pals the OC. Original Club? Sheesh. Tell that to NJPW. Or their lawyers…
Styles is in the ring now, so here comes Rollins. The Club looks bored. Bell rings, so Styles and Seth lock up. Rollins with a Headlock. Styles tries to Irish Whip free, but Rollins holds on. Styles tries again, but Rollins shoulderblocks him down. Styles takes a break then goes to brawlies. Seth eats the turnbuckle, then he and Styles trade choppy-woo. Styles tries a Fireman’s Carry, but Seth slips free and goes for a Sunset Flip. Styles gets clear. Seth with some punches knocks Styles to the corner. Seth charges and Styles backdrops him to the outside. Seth lands on the apron. Gallows looks to get involved and then DX’s music hits.
DX comes out to ‘even the odds’. They stand with Rollins. Please, God, not a six-man match…
Commercials. Wawa Hoagiefest is here. They make good sandwiches. Better than the Shitz at Sheetz, for sure.
Good. No six-man. Styles and Rollins are going back and forth. Styles tries a Backdrop Suplex. Rollins lands on his feet and follows up with a Sling Blade. Rollins continues with a Superkick to the midsection, then goes to finish off Styles, but Anderson grabs his foot and trips him. The Club rush the ring and that’ll bring it home by DQ. DX comes in and the Club says they’re like them and hold up the 2-Sweet. DX hold up the horns, too. Then crotch choppys and knock them out of the ring. The club go get some chairs to beat up the DX, but then the New Age Outlaws come out with Hall and Nash. So now it’s six on three – seven with Chyna’s spirit. So, OC, meet the OGs. Get to steppin’.
Styles and the rest kick rocks in the face of a thousand years of wrestling rascalry arrayed against them. We cut to the back to see Mick Foley and Mark Henry. Foley still to come, as is Hogan and Flair…
Ted’s leaving with the 24-7 Belt and he gets into a limo. We hear some slapping inside the limo and Drake Maverick comes out of the limo with the belt. Then the collective roster comes rolling out, so he hits the bricks with his wife hollering after him.
Mick Foley gets the Cheap Pop right here in Tampa Florida as the parade passes him by, led by a frantic Drake Maverick. Mick thanks us for being part of his career and was asked to show us one of his favorite bits from it. The ‘Tron begins to do so, but then we get the power outage and an appearance from Bray Wyatt. He grabs Foley in the Mandible Claw and puts the old fella on the mat with it, then skedaddles.
Commercials. RumChata is either a premix for booze cocktails or a hallucinogen, since the people that were drinking it saw three cows doing mambo. I’ll leave it to other folks to find out precisely which.
Alexa Bliss comes out for her interview segment, along with Nikki Cross, who also gets a microphone. She says after all we’ve seen tonight, we could really use a Moment of Bliss. So let’s call out Becky Lynch. Sure, why not? Becky comes out and takes a seat. Alexa talks up the match between her and Natalya coming up in Canada – so Natalya comes out. They show how Becky talked a bunch of shit last week and how Nat met her solid for it. Alexa says Nat let Becky get under her skin, Becky says she’s gonna embarrass Nat in her home country. Nat clocks her. They tangle and the referees come out to pry them apart. The crowd chants “Let them fight”.
Still to come, a Toast to Monday Night Raw with Hogan, HBK, Flair and Austin.
Also, a sneak peek at Miz and Mrs., if you care. Please care. We’ve spent a ton of money on this shit.
Commercials. Once Upon a Time in Hollywood looks to be a decent Tarantino affair, perhaps it’ll even prove he can write a script without using the N word? So far it looks like he can cast a movie without using any… Was Sam sick?
Cut to Natalya getting an interview about how Becky’s trying to rewrite history to put herself at the top like she was the inventor of the women’s scene, but it was really built off women like herself. So she’s gonna beat her brakes off come Summerslam.
Drake tries to escape the arena in a limo, but is caught by Ron Killings and loses his 24-7 Strap again. Killings makes his escape in Maverick’s limo – with Maverick’s wife. Drake looks askance at Carmella, who looks at him sideways and rolls her eyes.
Braun Strowman comes to the ring to battle Randy Rose, who weighs about 150 pounds. Braun gets a mic and tells us not to blink because this won’t be long. He throws Randy across the ring, then throws him across it again to the opposite diagonal. Then he picks him up and Irish Whips him to the ropes for a Giant Boot. 1-2-3. Braun leaves the ring looking cranky. You think YOU’RE mad, think of all the people that paid MONEY to see this…
Commercials. Buying a house turns you into your parents. That’s what Progressive says. I hope not, my old man’s dead. Guess I’m renting forever.
Wooo. Here comes Flair. None the worse for Wair. He pays his respects to the announce team, then the rest of the Legends come to the top of the ramp to pay respects to Flair. Hell, they empty the locker room now. Wait, DiBiase’s back? And here comes Hogan now. He give the respect to the crowd, then to Flair. He gives the “I can’t hear you” to the crowd, and probably means it this time. He’s got a mic, so let him tell you something brother… “It’s so great to be here with all his friends and Hulkamaniacs in Tampa, Florida. All the maniacs in all the years, he wants to thank you. But there’s one last question to ask – whatcha gonna do, when Hulkamania runs wild on you, brother?”
Cole gives us some background on the longest episodic show in history, and then, finally, the glass breaks. Austin marches past the throng and to the ring. The announcer tells us to welcome him and he gives us the corner hurrahs. There’s a cooler in the corner, so I guess he doesn’t figure he can catch the Steveweisers so good anymore. He pops a couple open and cheers. Glug glug. We’re told he’s got his own beer now, for realsies. The crowd chants “Hall of Fame” and he responds with “Gimme a hell yea” three times. He says it’s good to be back in Tampa, remembers being on the road with his brothers and sisters – but don’t expect him to get all sappy and shit. Hell, he’s not above putting any of them onto that stack of dimes they call their necks anytime. But those people up there, they’re his family. So are all the people here. Hell, so are all the people out there in TV Land, part of the WWe Family.
Austin tells us he hung out with Hogan and Flair all day, drinking beer and sharing stories and bullshitting together. Then he shared a moment with Ron Simmons and hugged at the hotel to the point that passersby might’ve thought they were a little funny. But let’s put all that shit aside and have everybody come to the ring and crack a few cold ones together in the spirit of being family together. So the folks come to the ring and everyone gets a can of suds and that looks to be how they’re gonna close the show.
Austin’s still got a minute left, so he calls Briscoe over and says he and Gerry did some stupid shit back in South Africa, but hell, that’s water under the bridge – how much time’s left now? Okay, let’s count it out… Fade to black.
Well, that wasn’t exactly the steaming pile it could’ve been, and I figure they probably chained Vince and Shane to a fucking boiler in the hotel basement to keep them from chewing up any of the scenery. If their hope was to ‘prove’ that Raw needed a McMahon on it for ratings or to get anything over, consider that ship scuttled.
They’ll probably make up for lost time on Smackdown, but hell, who watches that, really?
You’re welcome. See you SOON.