Raw Recap: 07-01-19

Let It All Blow

Hello, my intended…

As you’ve probably already heard, Vince is getting tired of taking the heat for all his utterly stupid decisions since, well, since taking over the place from his father, really. Let’s call a spade a spade. I’ve been watching since before Hulk Hogan got there and it’s been a box of dripping dicks for DECADES with only brief bursts of entertainment that happened largely by accident. Letting the wrestlers talk and get themselves over? Nope, can’t have that, they might start thinking they deserve more money! So let’s bring in Hollywood Writers™ to put together everyone’s promos, that way if they get over they owe it all to us, and if they don’t we can blame it all on them. Win – win!

Yeah, that’s been going just swimmingly. So far, Vince’s “Good Shit™” has been way more of the latter than the former. Their current Top Heel is fucking SHANE, for Christ’s sake. Shane’s almost FIFTY. Let me tell you, when your ‘Big Dog’ is getting his head handed to him weekly (and weakly) by a pudgy, white-haired creep in street clothes throwing working punches that don’t look like they’d tear through two-ply shit-wipes – it’s time to reconsider your navigation. Unfortunately, any alcoholic will tell you that the first step to solving a problem is admitting that you have one – which is where WWe is always going to hit the window. Much like Gene Snitsky’s gimmick, it’s not their fault things are going wrong. It’s not their fault the attendance is dropping off. It’s not their fault the ratings are slipping like a greased pig on a glacier.

It’s the economy. It’s the cyclical nature of the business. It’s the videogames. It’s those assholes on the internet.

No. It’s because a 73 year old gobshyte from Pinehurst, North Carolina thinks he knows what the 18-35 crowd wants to see better than they do, and he’s thought that since he was a 37 year old gobshyte taking the place over from his dad back in ’82. He’s been more wrong with every passing year, but nobody that works there is going to tell him that – not if they plan to stay working there. Everybody knows it. So, with that in mind, let’s examine the latest news from the WWe: the hiring of Paul Heyman and Eric Bischoff to be Executive Directors of Raw and Smackdown respectively – newly created positions that answer to no one save for Vince, himself. Their jobs, we’re told, are to breathe new life into the two brands – though what actual powers they may have is left nebulous, and even those are at Vince’s discretion.

So it’s a work.

And it’s not even a GOOD one.

But for the sake of argument, let’s say it’s for real… How would we know? How would *I* do it? First fucking thing, I’d dump the fucking writing staff at the nearest Home Depot parking lot and then throw the whole roster into the deep end of the pool. “Here’s three bullet points. Here’s a mic. You’ve got four minutes. Good luck.” There’s going to be a lot of deer in a lot of headlights, yes, but there’s also going to be a lot of “Fucking FINALLY!” cutting loose, and that’s what we want. Investment. If we give the workers the idea that any pud can read these lines, they’ll read them just like any other pud – and that’s what we’ve had up to now. However, if we take the chocks off and let them show us why we should give a fuck that they’re beating each others’ heads in three hundred nights a year – I think a good bunch of them actually will. So will Heyman. Bischoff, maybe, he’s always been more corporate leaning, but I think if he got the shot to run the show (even the B-Show) like he wants, with Vince just signing the checks, we might see something come of it.

So tonight, I expect we’ll see Heyman discard his ‘client’ Burock Lezunar like a pair of old shoes and gleefully take the reins from whomever is supposed to be running the place now. Or not. Having Lesnar around in an ‘enforcer’ role might get some value out of whatever time is left on his contract. We might even get to see Paul take some stripes out on his former client to avenge past mistreatment. Either would be fine, but these could very well be ‘behind the scenes’ positions being put forth for Heyman and Bischoff, solely to be scapegoats when the product continues to decline because they have neither creative input nor executive power.

That’s what the smark money’s on, anyway…

Tonight’s festivities come to us from Dallas, and we’re starting things off with a Falls Count Anywhere Match between Braun Strowman and Bobby Lashley. Braun comes out first to a decent reaction, Lashley comes out next to a moderate bit of heat. We’re given recaps of the tug-of-war and other ‘highlights’ of this exciting feud before the bell rings. Braun runs the ropes, but Bobby leapfrogs him and then hits the spear on the rebound. Braun rolls outside, so Bob follows him and tries a tackle, but Braun flattens him. Braun picks up Lashley and tries to run him into the ringpost, but Lashley slips out and Braun eats it instead. Bob hits another Spear and then tries a pinfall. Gets two. Braun gets knocked into the crowd, so Bob gets a chair and gets in some swats and makes the cover for another two-count.

Undaunted, Bobby goes to the brawlies with overhand rights and forearm clubberizing, but Braun finally blocks it and hurls Lashley away, then gets a head of steam up and trucks Lashley flat for a two-count. Braun picks Bobby up and flings him into the steel barrier, then hurls him up onto the top of the ramp. Bob punches Braun in the neck and then tries for a Suplex on the top of the stage. Gets it and floats over for a pin. Gets two. Bobby gets some distance as Braun gets to his feet, but Braun charges and knocks him through the Titantron. One of the announcers blurts “Holy Shit”. We cut to the back as the ring crew hose down Bob and Braun with fire extinguishers and they both look flat-ass out. The referee calls for EMTs as the crew tries to look concerned. They’re calling for the power to be cut to the section and get the two of them onto stretchers while the crowd chants “This is awesome”.

No. No, it isn’t.

The crowd counts to ten, so I assume this is a double-countout. For a Falls Count Anywhere Match? Yeah, that’s not Heyman’s writing…

Commercials. Dulcolax Liquid puts you comfortably in control. Maybe send some of that to Vince, hm?

We’re still prying the two goofs from the wreckage and Cole is trying to sell it to us as a tragic accident. They put Bobby in an ambulance, then cut to replays of the explosive finish in case you missed it. Now we’re putting Braun on a gurney and we’ll be getting him in his own bread truck soon enough. Didn’t Braun do this stunt like two months ago with Kevin Owens and everyone was fine? Oh, well, here’s another replay of the kablookie, this time in slo-mo. Now the ambulances are pulling out, and that’s twenty minutes in and we’ve got two guys on the shelf.

Cole is telling us that WWe does everything it can to ensure the safety of its superstars, but sometimes things get out of hand and well, Anything Can Happen then. Now the lights dim and it’s not because someone busted the power grid – it’s because we’re going back in time! The Viking RAIDERS are coming to the ring, this time to battle the New Day. But first…

Commercials. Straight Up Steve Austin will let us find out what it’s like to have a day like Steve Austin! There’s explosions! There’s beer! There’s domestic violence! Oops. Maybe scratch that last one, Larry…

We’re back, and here comes the New Day. They get their full entrance, mostly. No pancakes. No Kofi. We get some clips of Kofi getting squished by Samoa Joe and then told he and Joe will clash for the title come Extreme Rules. Jolly. Big E starts off with Erik and he gets the early advantage with brawlies and a splash, but Erik gets the tag to Ivar an they double-team Big E to little pieces and then lock in a chinlock speckled with clubbing crossfaces. Tag to Erik, who picks up Ivar and slams him into Big E and then he clamps on a shoulder bar. Big E counters with a Belly-to-Belly Suplex and he crawls to Xavier for the hot tag, but Samoa Joe comes out and yanks Xavier off the apron and clamps him in the Cochina Clutch. Kofi comes running out to make the save and we’re got bedlam. The Vikings and Joe are slugging it out with the entire New Day now, as it seems the Vikings were disqualified. Cash money says we’re in a six-man match by the end of…

Commercials. Peyton Manning is a comic genius. I’ve thought so since he did that Big Brother ‘commercial’ on SNL, and his latest thing with Nationwide and that little country singer Paisely kid are really solid. Flea Flicker. Fucking riot.

Yeah, I’m a prophet. Kofi starts it off against Ivar and he takes the big dude down with a Missile Dropkick, then tags in Xavier. Xavier with a Springboard Elbow Drop, gets two. Joe gets tagged in and he starts exchanging brawlies with Woods, then flattens him with a Back Elbow and lays in some Headbutts on the mat. Tag to Erik, who lays in some stomps and then an armbar. Woods trying to struggle to a vertical base, then whips Erik over with an Armdrag. He tries a Flying Crossbody, but Erik catches him and tosses him aside with a Fallaway Slam. Tag to Ivar, who Erik picks up and drops onto Woods. Tag to Joe who hits a Senton and makes the pin. Gets two.

Big E talking big stuff on the apron, so Joe knocks him off it and then goes back to Xavier. He tosses Woods to the corner, but Woods runs up the buckles and catches Joe coming in with a Missile Dropkick. Tag to Ivar, hot tag to Kofi. Kofi clears the ring, then knocks Ivar off the apron. Big E gets involved and Belly-to-Belly Overhead Release Suplexes Erik out of the ring, bedlam ensues and Samoa Joe sneaks up behind Kingston and clamps on the Cochina Clutch. Kofi is choked out. Win to the Vikings and Joe.

Still to come, Seth and Becky. Also, The Miz and Elias will have a 2-Out-of-3 Falls Match. But first, let’s have a replay of that little dude that used to be the manager of the Samoan Squash Team and the 24-7 Title getting beat at his wedding. He’s got his ‘wife’ with a blindfold on backstage and she tells him he’s obsessed about that damned title, so he’d better decide whether he loves it or her. He tells her he loves her, of course. They hug. Killings appears. He says he’s a sucker for romance, himself, then wanders off singing, “I’m in the Mood for Love”. Drake stares daggers at him, but maintains the hug.

Commercials. Ambitions is a new show set to debut on OWN. The Oprah Network? That’s still around? How cheap is an ad on Raw nowadays, anyway?

Gallows and Anderson are chatting together and the guy my sister calls Bearded Barbie comes in and gives them another chinwag. They decide to make a bet as to whom will make success first, so Gallows puts up his ‘hot Asian wife’. Styles is not sure about that. Neither am I. No Way Jose comes out and Killings is part of the Dance Line. Truth makes goo-goo eyes at Drake’s wife, and even lays on the barrier to show off the 24-7 Belt. Drake looks crestfallen, but the wife gives him the stink eye and he sits back down. Then another pile of folks come out from the back and Killings legs it.

In case you were here for the match, Cesaro clobbers No Way Jose into little pieces and tosses him out of the ring. That’s the match.

Cut to two guys cosplaying as MVP. Seems they’re the NXT Tag Champs, but they’re here for ‘The Smoke’. They dance around with Charlie the Microphone Stand a little.

Cut to Shane and Drew McIntyre wandering around in the back, no doubt plotting Evil.

Commercials. Pop Tarts come in all shapes and sizes. Still taste like shit, though.

Undertaker might just show up tonight. We’ve already killed two guys. Right? Right? Here, let’s show how we killed them again. There they go into the ambulances, like those Pop Tarts we showed you a second ago. MMMM. Toasty.

We have a second Interview Broad, and she’ll be interviewing The Miz. He talks about how they put their bodies on the line weekly, so you don’t wish that kind of thing on anybody. So let’s show the kind of shit that happened to Miz last week. She asks if he’s 100% to face Elias tonight, but he knows he’s got to take down what he built, for it was he that started up that bullshit with Shane – and it shall be he that should destroy it. But if not, hey, the Undertaker might show up tonight…

Shane comes out, followed by Drew McIntyre. Whether for a match or a nice long jaw, your guess is as good as mine. Drew gets a mic, so I guess it’s the latter. Jolly. Shane gets one two, so he calls for a ‘Proper Introduction’, and he gets it. That eats up about two minutes. The crowd tells Shane he sucks. Shane says he’s been inundated with questions about Lashley and Strowman, but he’s got other irons in the fire. Like Roman Reigns. He talks about how things went last week when they were wrecking Roman and they had the guy where they wanted him. They beat him up and felt all good doing it.

Drew says the footage speaks for itself. Shane says, yeah, but let’s think about how Reigns begged for help from Undertaker, but come Extreme Rules they’re going to put the Big Dog and the Phenom in the ground. Drew says the Undertaker has put fear in the heart of every man he’s faced, but Drew is no ordinary man. He is the culmination of many generations of wrestlers, and he does not fear Undertaker. Drew came to fight, and if the deadman dares to show his face tonight? They will EXTERMINATE the Undertaker. There’s thunder. The lights go out. There’s lightning. Drew shakes off his duster. There’s a gong. The lights go out. The lights go blue.

The Undertaker comes out to the delight of the crowd. I think. Lots of smoke. Drew and Shane look to be having a conversation about tactics. Drew goes out to the outside and Shane follows him. Undertaker walks up the ring steps and enters the ring. Drew stares daggers, but Shane advises caution. They’re about thirty yards from the ring now. Taker has a microphone. He looks askance at the two, then says “Roman never asked him for help. It’s not who he is. But if you need answers as to why, let me explain. I am the Reaper of Wayward Souls, and I’m here to collect YOUR souls.”

Shane, he tells him, had his respect for a little while. They had their battles, but Shane fell victim to his own greed and ego. See, you may be the best in THIS world – but from where he’s standing, they’ll just be another couple lost souls suffering the torment and torture of the acrid stench of death, for all Eternity. They will NEVER Rest. In. Peace. He gives them the throat cut and the dead-eyes, then stalks off. Shane looks sweaty, but Drew looks non-plussed.

Cut to Lacey and Barron. Barron says an Extreme Rules Match benefits them, so it makes no sense for Seth to put that title he loves so much on the line for, what, his latest fling? Lacey says she’ll make sure after she beats Natalya tonight, that Rollins will soon regret putting his faith in ‘the Man’.

That begs the question… If Becky Lynch is ‘The Man’ and Seth Rollins is in a relationship with her, doesn’t that make Seth a faggot?

Commercials.

Lacey Evans will soon face Natalya, and she’s got Corbin on the outside as her valet. The girls lock up and Nat shoves Lacey out of the ring. Nat follows her out and Lacey knocks her flat, then throws her into the corner and throttles her. She follows up with some stomps and then a handstand dropkick in the corner. Lacey keeps up the pressure, putting Nat on the second rope and laying in some forearms, then topping it off with a Springboard Elbow Drop in the center of the ring. She goes for the cover, but only gets two. Lacey gets in a handstand crossbody, then goes to the top buckle. Nat counters and tosses her off, then follows up with an Atomic Drop throw and runs her over. Corbin trips Natalya up, but the ref misses it. Lacey uses the time to get back to a vertical base and she catches Natalya getting to her feet with the Women’s Right. 1-2-3.

Charlie is getting an interview with Ricochet, asking him if he thought maybe his loss to Styles last week was weighing on his mind. He says he’s pretty sure he could beat him if he had to, so Gallows and Anderson come out and suggest that Styles could’ve beat him in three minutes and he was just going easy on him. Ricochet politely disagrees, but says if they want a match he’d be happy to give it to them. Or Styles. Whatever.

Commercials. Doritos with Chance the Rapper and Lionel Richie… Hello, it is me you’re looking for? No. Doritos suck. So does mumble rap.

Gallows and Anderson are talking up Styles, and they’re doing pretty good instigating. They’ve got Styles drinking the Kool-Aid and he goes up to Ricochet and demands a match. Tonight. Ricochet accepts and holds out a hand to shake. Styles slaps him. Ricochet slaps him back. Styles says this is gonna be good. Yeah? I’ll take a piece of that action…

Elias is about to start his schtick, but Miz comes out to spoil it. Thanks, Miz. He throws Elias out of the ring and then through the ring steps. Then Elias gets to the corner and Miz gets into the ring and they start the match. Miz charges and gets the Double Knee on Elias, then hits the Stroke. 1-2-3. Miz gets the first fall. That was quick.

Next fall starts. The Miz charges again. They go back and forth a bit, with Miz getting in some kicks and going for a Figure Four. Elias counters with a Small Package. Gets two. They both get up and Elias hits the Fisherman’s Neckbreaker. 1-2-3. Tie game.

Commercials. KFC and Cheetos have teamed up to provide you a Chicken Cheetos sandwich. Why you would want such a thing is a question for you to answer.

Rubber match under way and they go to brawlies. Miz gets in some good shots, then tries a Kitchen Sink Kneelift, but Elias counters with an Electric Chair Powerbomb. Gets two. Elias working some ground and pound, then clamps on a chinlock. Elias working the resthold pretty hard, but Miz gets his legs under him and pries himself out. Elias puts a stop to it with a couple European Uppercuts, but Miz counters with a Backslide. Gets two. Both men get to their feet and Elias gets a Dragon Sleeper to Neckbreaker in. Gets two. Miz wobbly, so Elias charges him with a Flying Knee on the apron, but Miz dips it and Elias crashes knee first into the ringpost. Miz rolls him inside and clamps on the Figure Eight. Elias taps.

Commercials. Jimmy Dean wishes he could tell you about a morning like this… Because he’s dead.

We’re back, and let’s take a look back at Stomping Grounds where Corbin used treachery and skullduggery to try and get Rollins’s title, but was thwarted by Becky Lynch. Now we cut to Charlie, who will interview Becky Lynch and Seth Rollins. Seth says he wants to let Bobby and Braun know they’re thinking about them and wish them a speedy recovery. Charlie wonders if maybe Rollins might’ve been too impulsive agreeing to a Winner Takes All match against Corbin and Lacey, and asks if maybe Becky is wondering that also. Becky says she’s not going to lose Seth’s title, and Seth promises he’s not going to lose Becky’s, so that’s that. Except that it’s Extreme Rules, so like, anything can happen. But it won’t. Right? Right?

Then some other redhead shows up and says Becky hasn’t done shit compared to her pushing out an eight-pound baby, and Rollins is only holding the belt because they haven’t given her husband a shot at it. So why doesn’t she and her bitch take on Becky and hers, tonight like? Becky says they’re on. Rollins says they done messed up. Bobo says, “Who the fuck are those two?”

Commercials.

Let’s see Bobby and Braun get blowed up again, since that was probably pretty expensive. Let’s see it again from the other angle. Now let’s see them put into the ambulances again. We’re getting updates, and we hear they’re getting evaluated. Braun may have a ruptured spleen, but that’s unconfirmed.

Here comes Seth Rollins to burn it down at the top of hour three. Good pop for the Universal Champion. Next up, the Man. Decent pop for the Man. Now let’s see who the fuck those other two are… Maria and Mike Kanellis. Nope, that doesn’t help me. Seems when they got married, Mike took Maria’s last name. Ah, so that’s why he’s her bitch. Check.

M and M suck face before the bell, then Mike and Seth start things off. Mike gets snapmared by Seth, then kicked in the spine. Mike starts to go to tag, but Maria yells at him and he goes back at it. Rollins eats a sock in the mush, then a knife-edge chop. Rollins counters with a chop and a Buckle Bomb, which leads to a blind tag to Maria. Lynch gets tagged in to hammer it home. Maria gets a mic and demands of Mike how he could let this happen. He said he could mop the floor with Rollins, but he can’t even mop the floor at home. Becky gets to the outside and is about to bash Maria, but Maria begs off, saying she’s pregnant. Mike looks surprised. He asks if it’s true. She says she doesn’t think he’s man enough to be the father. Becky yanks Mike into the ring and clamps him into the Disarm Her. Mike taps.

“Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman. It’s been a bad night for Braun and Kofi, which means maybe it’s a good night for Burack Lezunar.” Then the NXT guys come out and shuffle and jive. Paul leaves in a huff.

Still to come, Alexa Bliss and Nikki Cross… Friends for heifer.

Commercials. Do you have an idea for an invention, but need someone to exploit you? Call the helpful operators at InventHelp and lose everything. Today.

Alexa Bliss is coming out for her Moment of Bliss segment. She wishes the best to Braun and Bobby, but with that said, she’s going to bring out her Best Friend, what won her a Title Shot in a stunning upset last week, and beating Bailey for the 1-2-3. What an achievement. Nikki says none of it would’ve been possible without Alexa taking her under her wing and being in her corner.

Carmella comes out. She asks if it was Nikki that beat Bailey, why is Alexa the one getting the title shot? Well, since Nikki gave her a title shot, what is Alexa giving her? Alexa calls Mella nothing but Killing’s sidekick, so Carmella challenges her to a match. Alexa agrees. They get into the ring. Bell sounds. Alexa takes a swing, Mella ducks it and brings Alexa to the mat in a Small Package. 1-2-3. Holy shit. That was Uncle Elmer fast. Alexa is flabbergasted and rolls out of the ring to process getting ruined while Carmella gives her the ‘How You Like Me Now?’

Commercials. Be your own man. Or use our hair dye and pretend to be a younger one. Just For Men.

Looks like Nikki wants a piece of Carmella now, so here we go. Nikki jumps on Carmella with a Sleeper, but Mella shakes her off. Mella goes to a flying headscissors and tosses Nikki out of the ring. Carmella tries to follow her outside, but Nikki tangles her in the apron skirt and thrashes her some. Both women back in the ring and Carmella gets in an Atomic Drop, then a Moonwalk and a Bronco Buster. Gets two.

Cross with a Cross Chop backs up Carmella, so Carmella tries a kick. Nikki dodges it and counters with a Neckbreaker. Gets three. Huh. Alexa comes in and trash talks the fallen Carmella, then celebrates with Nikki.

Commercials. IHOP really took us rejecting their Hamburger change personal. Like “Why did you fuck my wife in our bed?” level personal.

Nikki and Bliss are still basking in the afterglow of Nikki’s win, and the blonde interview chick asks Nikki how she feels about the Universe wanting it to be HER facing Bailey for the title instead of Alexa. Alexa says, “No comment,” and they leave in a huff.

Drake and his wife are heading morosely to their honeymoon when a gaggle of wrestlers run by. The wife decides she needs to powder her nose, so she takes a sissy break. Truth pops up from behind a pillar and is about to sneak away, but Drake clobbers him with a toolbox (I think) and calls for a referee. 1-2-3. The wife comes back and looks at him like he threw up on her shoes, but he tells her not to worry, they’re gonna have an AMAZING 24-7 honeymoon, and then kick rocks. Killings sits up and watches them leave, all stunned and shit.

Next, AJ Styles makes his way to the ring to his usual pomp and falderall. Following him will be the current champ, Ricochet. I’ve got 10:39 and they’re still doing entrances…

Commercials. Looks like they’ll let you drive the Millenium Falcon at Disneyworld now. Yeah, they’re really making the most out of your IP, Georgie. Aren’t you happy you sold it? That’ll teach the fans for not loving Jar Jar. Cocksucker.

Since we’ve got so much time left, let’s have a sneak peek at the new movie ‘Crawl’. It’s about snakes, I think. Or alligators. There’s a lot of water, either way.

Styles and Ricochet start off running the ropes at each other, then Ricochet tries a wheelbarrow, but Styles clocks him out of it. Ricochet tries the Standing Moonsault, but AJ gets the knees up to counter. Styles gets in some chops, but Ricochet hits a dropkick. Styles bails outside. Ricochet hits a Tope’ con Hilo. He rolls Styles back in, but Styles manages to get in the Phenominal Forearm. Styles with the cover. 1-2-Ricochet with the leg under the ropes-3. Aw, shit. The Dusty Finish?

The referee awards Styles the belt. Another referee comes out and they start conferencing. Yeah, this is going to…

Commercials. Whatcha say we do a little day drinking? Mike’s Hard Lemonade. Bit late for that commercial, but I’m gonna go with the sentiment for sure.

Gallows and Anderson are out there with Styles, but it seems the referee has repaired the error. Ricochet is working some choppy-woo on Styles. Styles with some kicks in reply. Ricochet with a Somersault Kick, Enzugiiri and a Neckbreaker. Gets two. Styles replies with a Springboard Forearm and a Brainbuster. Gets two. Styles with the Rackbomb. Gets two again. Ricochet put on the top buckle, but he fights Styles off and hits a Rolling Majispral to a Crucifix. Gets three.

Styles looks dejected, but he holds out a hand for Ricochet. Ricochet shakes it. Gallows and Anderson get on the apron and ask to see the real AJ. So Styles gives Ricochet the Orndorff. Then Anderson and Gallows lay in the Magic Killer. Now Styles gets to the top buckle and has G+A pass him Ricochet for a Top Rope Styles Clash. They raise their arms in victory, then Styles pounds on Ricochet some more. Styles puts a foot on Ricochet, conquering hero style. Fade to black as we’re told ‘The Club rises again.’

Well, that was… Something. In the spirit of WWe, I’ve decided to not accept responsibility and instead blame someone else for tonight: ChUD. It was he who gave me the idea to post something tonight, so head over to Oregon and take a shit in his bag. Take two if they’re small.

You’re welcome. See you SOON.

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