Smackdown Recap: 03-12-19

Yeah, I know I missed Raw. Had a doctor’s appointment way too early Tuesday morning, so I couldn’t faff about watching Vince and the fam burn money into the wee hours showing us how badly they fucked up another pay-per-view. I have no idea who won what, since I spent the day bouncing around between doctor’s offices and pension departments trying to get my paperwork in order so the tax man doesn’t chew off my clothes come the end of the year. Priorities, right?

What bit of internet I did catch wind of just about disgusted me to pieces and sent me back into the hideout on Mount Grumble. Fucking Arby’s is catching hell for asking folks to draw a ‘waifu’ version of their cartoon mascot that I didn’t even know they fucking HAD. Far as I knew, they were splitting their ad budget between Ving Rhames and that weirdo chef that bitches about people not ordering the chicken salad at the goddamned roast beef restaurant. As you might have guessed, the moral guardians rose up and shook their bony fingers at the cultural appropriation of the Japanese shut-in what decides he *really* digs some cartoon girl or other on TV and declares himself and herself going steady. No, I only wish I was kidding…

This of course got the internet proud boys fired up and firing back, and before you could say ‘culture wars’ we’ve got us a fucking Twit-for-tat that makes me pine for the days of Tipper Gore slugging it out with Dee Snyder. Yeah, I’m old. Fuck you.

So, since I missed Raw I figured I’d give Smackdown a try. It’s shorter. It has more wrestling, generally speaking. Nobody else is posting anything yet, so maybe I’ll shame someone into getting off their ass? Nah, you gotta have pride in order to feel shame… Looks like that plan has what you call a fatal flaw. Oh, well, not like I wasn’t the only fucker posting when the site was ‘active’, so this’ll just be some more crippling nostalgia.

I do wonder how I’ll deal with the picture in picture thing they do with some of the matches during some of the commercials, but they generally only do it twice – and never during a match anyone really wants to see; so I’ll just wing it.

This Smackdown will be in Dayton, Ohio. Vince will allegedly give Kofi a Wrestlemania opportunity, and Shane will explain why he turned on the Miz and beat him up in front of his father. Wait, Shane’s or Miz’s? Either way, there’s still ten minutes of Law and Order:SVU to go before we get answers. Heh, Vince’ll probably let Kofi shine his fucking shoes. Maybe they’ve still got that Blue Blazer harness for him to make a triumphant entrance with?

Here we go. Then, Now, Forever. Road to Wrestlemania. Here comes the money. Shane gets a mixed reaction piped in, lukewarm from the audience. We get snapshots from Fastlane, showing Shane being a prick to Miz after the Usos retain. Shane’s in the ring and gives a sideways glance to the trophy he and Miz gave themselves, then the crowd gives him the ‘You Suck’. Shane is nonplussed, then calls the ring announcer over and they have a convo. The announcer calls Shane ‘The Best in the World’. Shane doesn’t think he said it like he meant it, so he grabs him by the neck and makes him say it again, with feeling. That’s still not good enough, so he throttles the guy again and makes him Take Three. That one meets approval, so the ring announcer is free to go.

Shane says he’s probably had people rubbing up on him trying to get ahead his entire life, and he’s just tired of it. So he dropped anchor and beat the hell out of Miz to send a message. He’s not the Best in the World because he’s a Tag Champion, or because he’s got a Trophy, but because he was BORN that way. So when he was choking out Miz and watching his dad and his baked potato face all hurt about it, it was AWESOME. So, because he had such fun doing it then, he’s going to do it again at the Wrestlemania. Then he fucks off.

In other news, Becky is going to Wrestlemania for a Triple Threat. Yeah, nobody could’ve seen that coming… What a swerve.

Coming to the ring now, Aleister Black, working the spooky like the night manager at Hot Topic. He’ll be teaming with the Hardy Boys and Ricochet in an 8-Man. But first…

Commercials. Disney continues their trend of remaking their old movies into CGI bullshit, this time with Dumbo. I might go just to see if they keep in the crows. It’ll be murder.

Looks like everyone else came out during commercials, as the Bar, Nak and Rusev are the heel team. Black and Nak start off with some nice back and forth, then Nak gets knocked down with a foot sweep. Tag to Ricochet and they double team takedown Nakamura. Nak get to his corner and tags in Sheamus. Tag to Matt Hardy. Hardy yells ‘Delete’ a couple times, then goes for a Twist of Fate. Gets shoved off. Tag to Jeff. Tag to Cesaro. Cesaro works the heel corner clobbering on Jeff, then tags in Rusev. Rusev lays a bruising on Jeff, but Jeff gets clear and tags in Ricochet.

Ricochet gets some flippity floop in, but Rusev bonks him out of the ring and we go to commercial. The heels grab Ricochet and lumberjack him back into the ring, where Rusev has tagged in Sheamus. Sheamus goes to the resthold-a-rama, mixing up chinlocks and headlocks, then tags in Rusev again, who gives some forearms and headlocks, then tags in Nakamura. Nak with some chops and kicks, then tags in Cesaro. Cesaro pushes Ricochet into the heel corner and Ricochet tries to fight his way out, but Cesaro puts a halt to it with some European Uppercuts. Tag to Sheamus, who tries to block Ricochet, but fails. Tag to Matt, who beats up Sheamus. Tag to Cesaro. Tag to Jeff. Twist of Fates for everybody. Jeff goes up to the top of the heel corner for the Swanton. Gets it. The heels break up the pin, but then the New Day make a run-in and beat the shit out of the Bar, then Nakamura and Rusev. Look, kid, I know they fucked you out of your title shot, but I’m not exactly sure this is the way to address your grievance.

The Usos weigh in on shit, expressing their approval of the New Day taking matters into their own hands over that shit what happened, and they send a message to all the other tag teams out there: Welcome to the Uso Penitentiary. Then they fuck off back up the fire escape stairway.

Next out, Randy Orton. Why? He’ll tell us, right after…

Commercials. Mountain Dew is making ‘Game Fuel’. Apparently, their usual offerings don’t do enough damage to your body, so they’ve made some with even more sugar and caffeine. Yum.

Randy’s got something to get off his chest. He asks if this isn’t the house AJ Styles built. The crowd more or less agrees. Randy shits all over AJ Styles career. Some more. Then he declares this is in fact, the house Randy Orton built. AJ Styles comes out to offer counter point. ‘Wow, Randy, for someone that looks down on the indies, you sure followed my career pretty closely.’ But that’s fine, coming from a guy that had his daddy get him a job and uses a knockoff Diamond Cutter. Randy talks shit about all he’s ‘accomplished’. Styles reminds him that all that was ‘with lots of help’ and names everyone. All the way down to team Rated RKO.

Randy says he’s the landlord and he’s going to collect his rent. AJ tells him to come get it and points at the Wrestlemania sign. Randy gives him the hairy eyeball, then fucks off.

Asuka comes to the ring, still wearing the belt. She’ll be facing Sonia DeVille. Yeah, good luck, bitch. I’ve seen Asuka fight fucking Pentagon Junior, and jump off a building onto him. I’d pay good money seeing her and Rhonda lock horns, but such is not to be…

Commercials. Coke Zero. A sequel that doesn’t disappoint? Motherfucker, I remember New Coke…

Asuka is still waiting for Sonia (Half of Fire and Desire, I’m told). So we’re given the tentative card for Wrestlemania in the interim. Now here comes Sonia, with her gal pal Mandy. We get pictures of what happened at Fastlane, where she fucked up and cost Mandy the match. Bell rings and the girls lock up. Some good chain wrestling, then Asuka goes for an ankle lock, but Sonia gets the rope for a break. Asuka and Sonia trade kicks, then Asuka goes for a dropkick off the second buckle, but Sonia dodges. Sonia works some brawling, but ASuka gets the upper hand and Sonia goes to the outside. Asuka follows with a baseball slide, which Sonia dodges. Mandy doesn’t. Asuka tosses Sonia back inside, then goes in after her and clamps on the Crossface Chickenwing. Sonia taps. Asuka retains and hits the bricks. Mandy gives Sonia a long look up and down, then leaves her at the ring to think about her failures.

We get the Iconics weighing in on the impending drama for about thirty seconds.

Then Becky Lynch comes out with her crutch. She gets a decent pop.

Commercials. They’re remaking Pet Sematary? This time the dead kid is a girl and Fred Gwynne is John Lithgow. I thought the idea behind remaking something was to make it BETTER? Hey, Jude…

WWE now has over 1 billion social media followers. I remember them saying that like six years ago. Then again, they’re counting every account of every person that works there now.

We’re shown that Rhonda Rousey got Charlotte disqualified, thus ensuring she gets them both at Wrestlemania and promised to ruin them both and leave STILL the Women’s Champion. Because fuck you, I’m a heel now. Jesus. You can hear the gears stripping.

So now The Man is Back, on her own two feet, and heading to Wrestlemania. But let’s remember that it was her that picked Rhonda when she won the Rumble. Then she says she played Rhonda like a fiddle. She says it was tough playing mind games with someone that got no brain, but she did it. So now, after earning her way into the main event, twice, she’s gonna take Rhonda’s title at the Wrestlemania.

Charlotte comes out and explains that anyone can be hot for six months, but she’s been hot for four years. She’s also tired of Becky taking credit for work that SHE has done, getting the wonmen’s title and the women’s division relevant, and she’ll get things ironed out proper come Wrestlemania. Becky tells her to go pound sand.

Cut to the back and Daniel Bryan and Rowen are coming out of Vince’s office looking glum. Vince has put them in a match with Kevin Owens and Mustafa Ali.

Rey Mysterio comes to the top of the ramp. He’ll be facing… Someone.

Commercials. Steve Carell is shilling Pepsi. What the fuck, man? If ever I needed Bill Hicks to come back for a day or so, swinging a sock full of quarters…

R.Truth will join Rey against Andrade and Samoa Joe. Andrade and Truth start it off. Andrade with a back elbow. Truth with a hip toss and a corkscrew forearm. Tag to Rey. Rey knocks down Andrade for the 619 setup, then goes to run the ropes, but Joe tags himself in and hits Rey with a Lifting Pancake Drop, then a couple stomps and tags Andrade back in. Andrade works the legs and lower abdomen of Rey with stomps, then tags in Joe.

Joe lays in a Neck Crank to slow things down, but Rey tries to elbow free. Joe puts a stop to it with a Powerbomb, then clamps on a Crossface. R.Truth breaks it up. Andrade gets tagged in and he gets in the Three Amigos, but only gets two of them before Rey counters with an Ankle Scissors. Rey goes for the tag and gets it. Truth with the John Cena spots on Andrade, hits the Fist Drop. Goes for the Fireman’s Carry Slam, but Joe tags in and breaks shit up. Joe and Truth battle back and forth, but Truth gets leveled with a Superkick. Rey has tagged in though and hits Joe with a dropkick. Joe gets up first and tries for a Uranage, but Rey counters into a Mysterio Roll and gets the three. Joe is upset. He smashes Truth. He smashes Andrade. Rey has escaped and taken Truth with him. Joe is still upset.

Commercials. Golden Corral has something for everyone. Ptomaine and salmonella, mostly. All the fun of Olive Garden at twice the price. What more could you ask for? Good food? Okay, what ELSE?

Kevin Owens comes to the ring, and his tag partner is… Glacier? Mustafa Ali. Okay, sure. They’ll take on Rowen and Daniel Bryan. Looks like about a half hour left on the show, so this’ll be quick. Probably. Bell rings and Bryan will start off against Owens. Owens knocks Bryan down a couple times, then hits him with a Senton. Bryan tags in Rowen. Rowen works the big man brawlies, knocking Owens around some. Owen gets in an Enzugiiri to get free and tags in Ali. Ali launches from the corner into Rowen’s arms and gets dumped. Tag to Bryan, who starts working over Ali with eye gouges and stomps, then a Snap Suplex. Gets two. Bryan goes to a Surfboard submission.

Commercials. Captive State looks to be a good bit of fun in the They Live vein. Something to tide us over until the new Godzilla drops. Should be better than fucking Captain Remember the 90s, right?

We’re back, and Rowen is crushing Ali into the heel corner, then Bryan tags in and gives him a Superplex. Bryan tries a Crossface, but Ali gets a foot on the rope to break it up. Ali crawls to the nearside corner and Bryan kicks him around a couple times. He gives the kid the Irish Whip, but Ali counters with a Dropkick. Ali tries for the tag, but Bryan holds him. Bedlam ensues. Owens breaks up a pin attempt. Rowen gets in. He’s Superkicked. He’s Double Superkicked. He falls to the outside. Owens tries to capitalize, but Rowen flattens him and throws him through the barrier. Rowen gets back to the heel corner and Bryan tags him in. Rowen chokeslams Mustafa into little pieces. 1-2-3. Bryan and Rowen are victorious and make their way to the top of the ramp, but Vince comes out all smiles. That’s never good.

Commercials. Miz and Maryse want to let us know they’re still breeding. Oh, good, like I need more reasons to give up on the fucking human race.

Wrestlemania is 26 days away. Vince is here tonight to give us what we want. He’s here to give Kofi what he wants, too. Then he shows us how he fucked Kofi over with that Triple Threat thing at Fastlane, having the Bar beat the shit out of him. Then having Rusev and Nakamura join in on the Kickaniggaround Funsies. He gave Kofi a chance, but Kofi failed. What Vince does is called ‘teachable moments’…

Rashida Tlaib does a spit-take.

The New Day comes out. They don’t look like they’re gonna give out any pancakes, either.

Big E says they ain’t in the mood to be taught a damn thing. Vince tells him to watch his mouth. They say they’ve done everything they were told, done what was expected of them, and they deserve better. Vince says nobody deserves shit. Kofi says this is bigger than the New Day. This is even bigger than Vince’s ego. Vince says there’s nothing bigger than that.

Xavier Woods makes his case, saying that Kofi has been there. That he’s beaten champions WHILE they were champion, but has never gotten that shot at the gold, and that’s just not right. The fans demand justice. They demand that Kofi get justice, as is his due for being that top flight talent that’s been there busting his hump day in and day out.

Vince says he wishes Kofi did deserve it, but he doesn’t. He does awesome work, and one day he’ll be in the Hall of Fame. But it won’t be by himself, it’ll be with these two young bucks here with him. As the New Day, he’s good worker and a solid player, but he’s not main event material. Guys like him never are, and never will be.

Holy shit, man, why don’t you just burn a fucking cross and call it a day?

Kofi makes his case, explaining how he’s been there eleven years putting in the work and keeping his head down while Vince passed him over for others time and time and time again, but he never complained. He just kept upping his game, figuring if he worked a little harder, busted his ass a little more, one day Vince would give him his chance. But it’s beginning to look like Vince doesn’t WANT to give him his chance. That Vince will do just about ANYTHING to NOT give him his chance, and that’s wrong. That’s not what he was told when he started working here, and THAT was told to him BY Vince, so what the actual hell? He’s not asking to be given something, he’s asking for what he’s EARNED that he’s seen Vince give away to everyone else for eleven years now.

Vince says he’ll give him his big chance next week. All he has to do is beat Randy Orton, Samoa Joe, The Bar, Daniel Bryant and Rowen in a Gauntlet Match. If he can do that, then he can have a match at the Wrestlemania. All of those guys come out and then rush the ring. The New Day fights them off, and Kofi looks like he’s about to have an aneurysm over this turn of events.

Me too.

Good thing I missed Fastlane. If I saw this shit play out live, I’d have shit a squealing worm. Bad enough you saddled them with a fucking minstrel act, but they took it and made it work. Then you tried to fuck them over time and time again, but for every shit angle you put them in, they put their all into it and made it work. They TRANSCENDED that ball of Steppin Fetchit trash you put them in and won over the fans, making the worst shit angle since Cryme Tyme take flight like a fucking PHOENIX and turn into pure MONEY, and you’re STILL not done shitting on them?

I’d say I was disappointed in you, Vince, but you’re pretty much doing the exact shit I know you get off on doing. You’re a cheap, carnie Irish fuck from Shithole, New England. At least you waited until after Black History Month was over before you rolled this out.

Jesus Christ.

You’re welcome. See you SOON.