Raw Recap: 03-04-19

ICANN See Trouble On the Way

Hello my intended…

Well, seeing as I had the bright idea to suggest Mike do something with the $10 he spent to re-up the ICANN listing for the ol’ lethalwrestling.com and maybe give some of us our posting privileges back, I guess it’d be a smidge hypocritical if I didn’t belly up to the bar and make use of said privileges once they were returned, hm? So, seeing as it’s Monday night and I still fucking hate myself, might as well hide the sharps and take a look at Raw…

Hm, still three hours long. Might not make as regular a habit of this as before. Either that or I’ll start doing Smackdown. Fuck you, I’ve got arthritis. Maybe one of these days I’ll buy that talk to type thing that they’ve been trying to sell me online for six years, but it ain’t today. I’d probably need six months to train it how to spell ‘suplex’ and how to understand words through overwhelming malaise. Probably more trouble than it’d be worth, even if they throw in that cheap shit looking half-headset.

NCIS is closing down, so I guess I’m going through with it. Then, Now, Forever.

Here we are in Philadelphia, and Roman Reigns is coming to the ring for a nice long jaw. Gets a good pop, probably for the new haircut. Oh, and beating back cancer again. Nice work, kid. He basks in the cheers a bit then makes his way to the ring all smiles as we take another look at him giving us the good news last week. Then we get a replay of the Shield coming to save Ambrose when he was getting beat up by the four main heels on Raw before they fucked up Ric Flair’s birthday party.

The crowd is chanting Roman’s name, so he lets them do it for a while. Fine with me. The less that happens, the less I have to type. He looks around for a while and the Roman chant starts back up. He tells us last week was the comeback, this week in Philly we take our yard back. He’s had to think about his future and what he wants, but there’s one thing in his way – and it’s his brother Seth Rollins, so let’s bring Seth on out here.

Seth comes out to burn it down, all smiles like. They tell us 34 nights from now he gets to face Brock at the Wrestlemania. You know, in case someone cares. Seth says seeing him come out knowing he just won the fight of his life made him feel like he can do anything, so he’s gonna take that to Wrestlemania and slay the beast. Then he’s gonna come be champ on Raw every single week. BUT, he knows where Roman is coming from, seeing as he never actually lost the title that Seth is chasing, but… Hey let’s talk about it.

Roman says he thought Seth knew everything, but he’s wrong. Seth kept this place together. He knows Seth has what it takes, so he wishes him luck. BUT, he needs a favor. Seth says whatever he asks, just name it. Roman wants to get the band back together, Seth says, “Anything but that.” Roman asks the crowd for support, and actually gets it. From Philly? Shame on you marks. Can’t believe you’re the same people that went to ECW with me. Well, you’re probably not…

Seth is thinking it over like we’ll probably have to wait until 11 o’clock to find out what he decides, but he decides Roman’s right. Life is short and tomorrow’s never promised, so let’s patch things up and get Dean out here. They play Dean’s music and here he comes to the ramp looking around like he’s still trying to decide if AEW has sent him enough money yet. Then Elias comes out and clobbers him. Seth and Roman come running to the assist, but Elias legs it. Dean rolls around on the ground a while and then gets up and refuses a helping hand from the other Shield Bros, then he lumbers off to the back – possibly in pursuit of another ass-beating.

Then we see Bobby Lashley, Baron Corbin, MacIntire, and Lio Rush. The talk some shit and then skitter off somewhere. Then the curtain-jerker comes out. It’s Finn Balor. Again. Christ, this kid can’t take a fucking hint, can he?

Commercials. Shaquille Oneal does Icy Hot commercials. You know, if he could emote this well twenty five years ago, Steel might not have sucked shit out of a dead baby’s ass. Well, it probably still would’ve, but it would’ve at least used a straw…

Oh, look, Lashley, MacIntyre, and Corbin are six-manning. Against Balor? Who’s the little guy getting? Strowman, it looks like. Oh, and Angle. We’ve seen this match four times already… Strowman starts it off with Corbin, who tries to brawl with him. Doesn’t work. Corbin gets knocked outside and then trucked by Braun’s sloppy shoulder block. Corbin gets the tag to MacIntyre, who gets bashed in as well. Then Braun tags in Finn. Yeah, sure, great idea. Finn hits a flying forearm on MacIntyre, so Drew goes for the tag to Lashley.

Lashley tries a powerbomb, but Finn punches his way free. Lashley tries a charge, but Finn dodges and Bobby goes to the floor. Seems MacIntyre tagged in on the rope run, so here he comes too. Finn ducks him as well, so they’re both outside now. Finn leaps the rope and they’re all three sprawled on the floor.

Commercials. T-Rex has new, stronger duct-tape. Probably good to keep fans from walking out.

Corbin gets in Deep Six on Balor, but just gets two. Now he locks on that shitty-looking chinlock he does, then tosses Finn outside. Finn gets to the apron and shoulder blocks Corbin to back him up enough to try for a springboard, but Corbin breaks it up with a right cross. Tag to MacIntyre, who clamps an armbar on Balor. Finn tries to get the tag, but is whipped to the heel corner. Finn fights free and makes the tag to Angle. Angle gets a waistlock on Drew and gets in the Triple German. Goes for the Ankle Lock, but MacIntyre gets close enough to tag Lashley. Lashley gets a Release German Suplex, but Angle gets a headbutt from MacIntyre to break up the rally.

Commercials. Prices are dropping at Rent-a-Center. Nowhere near what the shit would cost at any decent place, but you dumb fucks can’t save money or do math, can you?

Corbin back in the ring doing that shit chinlock again, this time on Angle. Fuck, that shit looks so worthless, even for a rest-hold. Angle gets loose and tosses Corbin outside. Corbin scrambles back in, but Angle’s tagged in Brawn. Brawn smashes Corbin flat, then gives him a powerslam. Then tags in Balor? The fuck for? Coup De Grace on Corbin, but Rush pulls Balor out of the ring. Here comes Strowman chugging along to truck Lashley, but Lashley steps aside and Lio Rush is stampeded through the barrier. Now the bad guys get to work over the babyfaces and ram Angle into the steel steps, then put the steps into the ring. Drew kicks the shit out of Finn, then Corbin and Lashley two-man chokeslam Balor onto the steps.

Still to come, Rhonda Rousey. Plus Aleister Black and Ricochet talk about beating the Tag Champs last week. But first, let’s talk to Heavy Machinery. But first before that, let’s look at the roster talking about them in the locker room. The weirdos with the face paint that they beat up last week are badmouthing them. The fat dumpy one makes like his feelings are hurt and the ‘smart’ one of the team swears that they’ll talk to Vince and make this right.

Coming soon, Ruby Riott versus… Natalya. She still works there? No, she just jobs.

Commercials. Goldberg is still working. He’s the mayor of Muscleville. Don’t blame me, blame Dodge. Fucking Mopar will use just about any old trash, won’t they?

The Usos will take on Shane and the Miz at Fastlane. Excitement, excitement.

Bell rings and Ruby takes down Nat and goes to some ground and pound, then a soccer kick to the lower back. Make it two. Nat pushed to the corner and then snapmared to the middle of the ring for a chinlock. Ruby makes it look good, Corbin should take notes. Nat gets out of it, then gets loose with a Fisherman’s Suplex. Both girls down, but Nat up faster and clamps on the Sharpshooter. Ruby tries to get out of it, but can’t. Oh, a reversal to a Small Package. Gets two. Then Nat reverses the reversal and gets three! Color me surprised. Nat gets the win.

Halfway up the ramp, some other broad comes out with a hat on. She walks past Nat, halfway to the ring, then stops and leaves again. Lacey Evans, eh? This bitch better be dynamite in the ring for all this fucking falderall, I tell you.

We get replays of Ric Flair getting his ass whipped. Seventy means a shitload of birthday punches, huh? Then we get Stephanie meeting the SNL (or is that S&L, Donnie?) Weekend Update guys. They schmooze a bit and get some cheap pop and cheap heat, then fuck off stage left. Good, keep that celebrity shit short.

Time to play the game… But first:

Commercials. Dominos has expanded their menu. They haven’t improved it, mind you, but they HAVE expanded it. Now you can buy all kinds of disappointment for under 6 bucks. Just like your parents did.

Batista is on Instagram. He’d be in Philly, but he doesn’t like it. He might be in Pittsburgh, maybe. Who knows? But rest assured, when he does show up, the Game’s Over. See what I did there? The he cuts the feed.

Paul bellyaches about how he didn’t get the chance to sing all the praises Ric Flair deserves, but more importantly, he didn’t get to put over Richard Fleir, the real dude that most people never get to see. He talks about how he was there for many of the best of the times, and even some of the worst of those – like when he buried his son. Real classy, Paul, getting cred off a guy’s dead kid. Fuck you. Levesque talks about how every time he gets a call from Fleir, he’s been worried it’d be to get the news that he’s gone. He knows that Fleir’s been on borrowed time, that all the old guard have been going into the sunset left and right, and it’s just a matter of time. But before that happened, he wanted to let Richard Fleir have just one more moment of glory.

HHH says he wanted to let Fleir have one more moment as the Nature Boy for us fans, like we always want from him. But Dave fucked that up. Every time Dave didn’t get what he wanted, he quit. He tells how Dave’s been bitching for two solid years how he didn’t get that respect; the adulation. So he quit. HHH blathers about putting aside characters and angles and Bad Guy 101 and stepping to him like a man and having it out for realsies. Ho hum.

Stephanie gets to talk about how it was ‘blasphemy’ that Rhonda laid the title at her feet and so she’s decided to drop all charges against Becky. Then she’s inviting her to come sign a Hold Harmless Agreement, so she can face Charlotte Flair for the currently vacant Raw Women’s Title.

Coming to the ring, Heavy Machinery.

Commercials. Wawa Hoagies for $4.99, including a cheesesteak and a Meatball Marinara. Not sure about the cheesesteak, but if they can take some of that Subway money, good for them.

Ambrose and Reigns meet in the back, and Reigns tells them they can talk about anything. Ambrose fucks off.

Looks like Heavy Machinery will face the B-Team. Curtis Axel gets slapped around some, then Bo Dallas gets in. Doesn’t help. They get squashed. Can you believe they were the tag champs a couple months ago? Nobody else can, either…

Now the Ascension gets in and works some brawls on the fat one. He gets a cover for two. He charges the guy in the opposite corner, but the guy gets clear. Tag to the other guy for some brawlies. Doesn’t help. Ascension gets to tag the guy in the facepaint that was making the jokes. The fat one gets back in and hits a Vader Splash off the second buckle. Gets three.

Next team is the losers with 261 losses. Doubt the streak is getting snapped tonight, son. The one in blue, Hawkins, tries to run the ropes, but the fat one catches him and tosses him up for a Front Avalanche Slam, following it up with the worm… The WORM? No, they’re calling it the caterpillar. Right, like the backhoe… Sure. Worm into an elbow drop and then 1-2-3.

Marvel Comics brings us Brie Larson as Captain Fuck You, But Watch My Movie Anyway. Yeah, that’ll go over great. Anyone wanna give her Leslie Jones’s number? Might save her some embarassment…

Commercials. Popeye’s presents a 2 Can Dine for $10 deal. I have never seen drumsticks as small as the ones at Popeye’s, and I’ve eaten fucking quail.

The SNL Weekend Update guys are wandering around in the back, and the white guy is further in the dark than Vince McMahon’s accountant. They do some comedy. Allegedly.

Torrie Wilson is getting into the Hall of Fame. She joins Degeneration X and the Honkytonk Man. That’s pretty shitty, Paul, putting yourself in the Hall of Fame. Saving Evolution for next year, are you?

Next up to Charley (Charli?) the interview girl, Charlotte Flair. IF Becky signs the paper. “If?” Flair is positive Becky’s stupid and arrogant enough to sign it, but she knows The Man is going to fall to the Queen, and she’ll be putting her on the shelf for GOOD. Woooo.

Now it’s Seth’s turn to try and talk things over with Ambrose. He says that they’ve had their differences, but brothers fight all the time. He says Dean is his wrestling soulmate. (The FUCK?) Let’s get the band back together. “No can do,” Dean tells him. He’s got something he’s got to do, and he’s got to do it on his own. Seth sighs and fucks off, stage right.

Elias comes out.

Commercials. Peter Weller must really have not saved his fucking money if he’s putting on the Robocop suit to sell us greasy ass KFC. Maybe someone should start a GoFundMe? How much you figure some self-respect would cost?

Elias asks us how he knows he’s in Philly? No Stanley Cup. Everyone’s mom looks like Gritty. Every guy he sees is a fat load. He saw an Eagles fan eating horse manure. Children have no future. Bryce Harper’s career is coming here to die. Ho hum. Kid, I can do worse burns before my morning coffee. Get a writer, or a better one if you’ve got one now. Christ.

Ambrose comes out and lays the brawl on Elias to the cheers of the Philly fans, then clotheslines Elias to the floor. Goes out after him and brawls him some more, then breaks the count and puts him back in. Then lariats him out on the other side.

Commercials. Denny’s understands the art of the omelette. It’s civil rights they still have a little problem with…

We’re back, and Elias is working an Arm Wringer, then he goes to walking the top rope Undertaker style, even with the flying chop. Elias runs the ropes and baseball slides Ambrose. He goes for the Irish whip, but Ambrose counters and knocks him outside. Ambrose with the suicida, then they go back inside. Ambrose gets a Bulldog in, then tries to run to the opposite corner, but Elias breaks it up. Dean might be in a Fisherman Suplex, but he gets loose and knocks Elias down with a Neckbreaker. Ambrose goes to the top, but Elias catches him coming down with a Knee to the skimmer and caps it off with a Front Chancery to a Neckbreaker. ‘Drift Away’ they call it. 1-2-3. Elias wins and then legs it. Ambrose gets shakily to his feet and we see Reigns and Rollins coming to the top of the ramp…

Commercials. Dominos loves pizza as much as we do. You do? Then why do you do such awful things to it?

Ambrose is still selling a hurt back, so Rollins and Reigns get into the ring and try to reason with him some more. The crowd begins chanting Shield. Ambrose is pacing around all panther in a pen like, and then he scarpers over the barrier and up the aisle to the exit through the crowd. They play Baron Corbin’s music, and he comes out with MacIntyre and Lashley. They talk some shit. Drew says this isn’t quite the return Roman imagined, is it? So rather than give them the chance to have an epic match at Fastlane, they’re gonna end things now.

Three on two breaks out. Ambrose looks at it for a hot second, then slaps himself and runs to the rescue. The Shield clears the ring. Two fists are being held together, but Ambrose paces around. Rollins yells “Come On. COME ON!” Ambrose finally caves in to peer pressure and puts his fist in. The heels look somewhat irritated at this turn of events and so they yell at the Shield a while from the top of the ramp, then scram.

Replay of Stephanie taking the title off Rousey in absentia and promising us the Hold Harmless signing still to come. Cut to Becky in the back on crutches. Will she sign?

Commercials. Why have thousands of aspiring authors teamed up with Christian Faith Publishers? Because Kinkos was too expensive?

Tamina with Nia Jax are in the ring. They will face… Sasha Banks with Bayley. Fuck, it’s already ten after ten and there’s still like three matches and a signing skit to go. They don’t let these guys run long anymore, so they better get to business already.

Bell rings and Tamina flattens Sasha with brawlies and an extra hundred pounds or so. Covers for two. Sasha gets whipped to the nearside corner, then whipped to the farside. Tamina tries a Stinger Splash, but Banks dodges. Banks with a couple kicks, but Tamina shoves her down. Tamina runa the ropes, but Sasha gets up and counters with a knee to the head. Sasha covers and gets two. Tamina gets in a headbutt and tries to cover, but Sasha counters with a crossface. Nia pulls Tamina to the outside to break things up, which the ref doesn’t see. Bayley tries to intervene, but Nia throws her across the planet. Sasha hits Nia with a Flying Double Knee, knocking her for a loop, then goes to get back in the ring. Tamina catches her with a Superkick and gets the 1-2-3.

Cut to the SNL guys in the back, and the white guy offers to watch the black one’s back while he’s in the bathroom. The black guy declines and tells him he’ll be back. Then Braun shows up. He takes the New York hat off and tosses it away. He calls the kid a funny guy. The kid asks if this wrestling stuff is for real.

John Stossel does a spit take.

Braun lifts the kid a foot off the ground by his neck and asks, “What do you THINK?”

Not much, son. Not much.

Commercials. Nintendo Switch tells you it’s probably easier to play if you don’t have any pets.

Braun’s still got the guy up by the neck and the black guy has come back to try and get him loose, along with several referees. Braun finally lets him go and says, “I’ll see you at Wrestlemania.”

Black and Ricochet are getting interviewed while the Revival are waiting for them in the ring. Weirdly enough, they stay in character, with Black being all English and archaic druid weirdo and Ricochet being all aw-shucks. Seems a weird mix as teams go, but I’ve seen weirder. Holy shit, have I seen weirder…

Black will start it off along with the Revival guy with hair. They brawl back and forth, then the Revival guy without hair tags in and gets in some brawlies, capping off with an elbow drop and a falling headbutt. Cover for two. Black tries to get to the corner, but baldie holds him by the foot and tags in the guy with hair. Here come Bobby Roode and Chad Gable to the top of the ramp. Probably to get the new guys disqualified…

Commercials. Christoper Meloni is back in Happy, Season Two. I liked the comic, but they could’ve gotten better than Patton Oswalt for the horse. Fuck him. Cocksucker is so beta he makes Kevin Smith look like Clint Eastwood.

Baldie and Black are slugging it out. but Black gets the better of the exchange and baldie makes the tag. They try to double-team Black, but he leg-sweeps the both of them to the map and makes the tag. Ricochet gets in and takes the Revival apart with the flippity floo. The guy with the hair is knocked to the outside, where Roode and Gable are, so they start taking the boots to him. The Revival wins by DQ. Black and Ricochet are quite upset at this, so the call Roode and Gable to the ring to explain themselves. They get told by the former champs that they’re the new guys and should wait their turns, so Black and Ricochet smash them out of the ring and make them aware that their slapped together team fucked with the wrong slapped together team.

Since it’s Women’s History Month, WWe is getting involved in something called GirlUp. They’re sending Alexa Bliss as their rep, because sure, why not?

Commercials. OreIda is trying out Cup o’Noodles, Breakfast Style. Just Crack an Egg, they call it. Because you don’t eat enough irradiated sodium laden shit, right? Yum yum.

Stephanie is making her way to the ring with a clipboard, the girl strap and a microphone. She says anything can happen on the Road to Wrestlemania, like Roman Reigns coming back and reforming the Shield, or Rhonda vacating the title. So we get a replay of Rhonda demanding they put Becky in there with her and then laying the strap down. Steph then calls Charlotte to come out to the ring. Charlotte complies.

Steph goes Woo. Charlotte goes Woo. Then Steph calls out Becky. Becky comes out on a crutch, limping her way to the ring. Looks like she’s still trying to decide which knee she hurt. Oh, well, nobody ever said micks had any fucking brains. Sure never heard it from me.

Steph explains what a Hold Harmless Agreement is, then presents it to Becky. Then she gives Becky a pen. Charlotte tells her to sign it, unless Steph would rather just hand the title to her Queen right now. Woo. Becky says she beat her on one good leg at Royal Rumble, and she can do it again right here if she wants to. Stephanie tells them no, save it for the PPV.

Cut to the back, and here comes Rhonda. Bitch looks like she’s got murder on her mind.


Rhonda gets to the ring and demands what the fuck from Steph. Steph said she had no choice. Rhonda said she said she wanted Becky included, not herself excluded. So now she very much wants her fucking title back. Steph gives it to her. She says if Becky beats Charlotte at Fastlane, then she’ll be added to the Wrestlemania match with Rhonda. Will that be okay, Champ?

No, that won’t be okay. Rhonda’s tired of all this shit. She’s tired of everyone giving her grief no matter how hard she works, no matter how hard she tries. She’s tired of people chanting Becky and booing her out of the building, so Damn the Man, Screw the Woo, and no more Mrs. Nice Bitch. Then she kicks Charlotte Flair out of the ring and beats the fucking brakes off Becky. She must’ve put the armbar on her five times, plus ground and pounded her flat a half a dozen times and a few ugly judo throws for good measure. Which, to be fair, she told her she would do on fucking Twitter. You don’t talk real shit to a real fighter and expect a work ass whipping, that’s just being fucking stupid; but like I said, harps ain’t the brightest fuckers…

Charley the Interviewer gets a hot take from Stephanie. Stephanie says she’s sickened by this horrific display, and though she has no love for Becky Lynch, what Rousey did was show her true colors. Stephanie has always said Rousey was an animal, and now Rousey’s gone and proved it in front of the world. So whether it’s a three women or two women at Wrestlemania, Rousey’s going to finally get what she deserves, mark her words.

We cut back to see the trainers picking up all the little pieces of Becky that Rhonda scattered about, and Rhonda standing there with the belt on her shoulder pointing at the Wrestlemania sign with a right stern look on her mug. Fade to black.

Well, that was probably the second clumsiest heel turn I’ve seen since fucking Goldberg. I get that fans like Becky, but if the bitch is hurt you work around it. There’s plenty of girls back there now that could step up if you gave them half the screen time you’ve set aside for this will-she won’t-she nonsense for someone that’s already fucking banged up. Terrible waste of three hours, considering how little wrestling there was, compounded with how little build for upcoming matches they worked in with it. Same bunch of lugs fighting the same bunch of lugs as we’ve seen the past two months already, with the occasional bump up from NXT to replace the injured.

I have no idea whether I’ll be able to keep this up week to week; especially since they keep giving me the same fucking show every week to deal with, but I’ll try my best and see how long I can hold out. No promises.

You’re welcome. See you SOON.

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