Wrestlemania 34 Predictions

Well kids, its been awhile. I decided it was a good time to jump back into writing about wrestling so I made the terrible mistake of logging in and here we are. I took a HUGE break from watching wrestling after Benoit turned his name into a verb but I got back in exactly 3 Wrestlemania’s ago. This will be the first time I’ve written about wrestling in well over a decade so make sure you head over to our forum, Shooting Star Press to shit all over it.

Cruiserweight Championship Cedric Alexander vs. Mustafa Ali

Since Enzo got the boot for being a shitbag, 205 Live seems to have gotten a million times better. I’m thinking it may be possible that Vince had a weird Pat Patterson in the 80’s relationship with Enzo and maybe that’s why he finally let go of 205 and let HHH take over the booking. Whatever did it (I’m sure it isn’t the XFL. Vince still has the blueprints from last time.) I’m really happy it happened. I do think drawing this tournament out over what feels like 400 weeks was maybe not the right move but at least we get to see the culmination of this series at Wrestlemania!

Oh… It’s on the preshow.

Again.

Whatever. This match is going to be amazing. With the big middle east PPV coming just about 3 minutes after Wrestlemania it makes sense for Mustafa Ali to win it.

Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal

This thing confuses the shit outta me. It is billed as a big deal but the careers of the winners haven’t been elevated by it at all. I still don’t care about Corbin and Mojo has lost the intensity that made him entertaining. So what lower tier guy wins it this year to elevate them almost to the mid card to get a shot at the US or IC title just to fail and disappear? I’m giving this to SURPRISE ENTRANT WHO SAID HE WOULD DO SHOWS IN NEW JAPAN BUT DECIDED WWE WAS THE PLACE TO BE AND BAILED EVEN THOUGH THEY ALREADY ADVERTISED IT Rey Mysterio Jr!

WrestleMania Women’s Battle Royal Match

I want to care about this. I really enjoyed the women’s Rumble and I want this to be as entertaining without a bunch of retirees coming in for nostalgia’s sake. I think the women’s division on both shows is the best we’ve ever seen and I want one of the younger talent to win this so it can elevate them into oh who am I kidding. This matters as little as the mens match. I really hope next year the winner of these get something besides bragging rights and a trophy. At least last year Mojo got to pretend he knows a famous guy.

I see a win for Ember Moon the night before she debuts on Raw.

United States Champion Randy Orton vs. Bobby Roode vs Jinder Mahal vs. Rusev

I still can’t believe we are getting this match on Rusev Day!

Yes, I’m a mark. I don’t care because I really like Rusev. He was a fantastic heel champ before he got a haircut without permission and landed in the doghouse with Vince. None of the other guys in the match are getting anywhere near the pop Rusev is. I haven’t seen the merch numbers but I am guessing the shirts and calendars and whatever other shit they are slapping a Bulgarian flag on is selling like crazy. I love when the US title is on a foreign heel. It always elevated it because the Americans won’t stand for such disrespect! It also could be that I still talk about the Magnum TA/Nikita Koloff best of 7 like it happened a few weeks ago. I’m saying Rusev goes over but I think Jinder could sneak in there.

Intercontinental Champion The Miz vs. Seth Rollins vs. Finn Bálor

Michael Gregory Mizanin is the hardest working guy in the WWE.

He does everything a WWE superstar should do and he does it well. Need a midcarder elevated? Put him in a program with the Miz. Need something for your main eventer to do while the main event is otherwise occupied? Have him trade off wins for the title with the Miz. Need someone to teach guys who should be way better than they are how to get to that level? Miztourage! He is one of my favorite guys on the roster and that is why I am incredibly happy to say he is losing this match and we won’t see him on TV again for at least six weeks. He will get some time off from carrying Raw to spend time with his wife and new baby and I think that’s exactly how it should be. He comes to Wrestlemania and will help two incredibly good workers look even better. Seth Rollins wins and Finn shows up on Smackdown Tuesday.

SmackDown Tag Team Champions The Usos vs. The New Day vs. The Bludgeon Brothers

I think this is the match they open the show with. New Day and the Usos have a great chemistry in the ring and out. They are high energy before the match even starts and they will get the crowd super hyped. I got to see them open a house show in January and they were absolute fire. Big E stood at ringside acting goofy and everyone else was absolutely on point in the ring. I also absolutely love the Usos and everything to do with them except their stupid stupid grills. Please guys. Take that dumb shit out ya mouf!

It has been far too long since Luke Harper had some kind of gold. They teased me at the beginning of Jinder’s push with a few singles matches and I thought we were going to get Luke ‘Murica Harper vs Jinder for the title at some point but alas WWE doesn’t care about my fantasy booking. Unless there are some nonsensical shenanigans of some level I can’t comprehend the Bludgeon Brothers should be able to defeat King Koopa and win the tag titles.

Braun Strowman and Mystery Partner vs. The Bar

So I have two competing theories on how this goes down and they both entertain me to no end.

The first scenario is a fully healed and returning Big Cass teams with Strowman. There is no reason for this to happen and I only want it to happen under one condition. Strowman and Cass utilize the exact same offense that Enzo and Cass used but in this scenario Cass climbs up on the ropes and Strowman throws him at Seamus and Cesaro. I imagine Braun would be able to get some good distance off Cass.

The other scenario is much more likely. This pairing really began on the July 25 2016 episode of Raw where Braun quickly squashed his opponent who would rise to fame to have multiple victories over AJ Styles. Former two time ACW tag team champion and the current Intergender Champion. James “any man with two hands has a fighting chance” Ellsworth!

Either way Braun Strowman leaves half of the Raw tag team champs.

Raw Women’s Champion Alexa Bliss vs. Nia Jax

I am going to start by saying I fucking LOVE both of these women. I know Nia gets a lot of hate around here but I’ve seen her steadily improve over the last couple of years and she finally seems to be the monster they made her out to be in the beginning. They tried to hard to make her an UNSTOPPABLE MONSTER! before she was ready. Now she’s throwing women around the ring like the Hulk and I am loving it! Alexa is the perfect mean girl heel champion and I am actually pissed they’ve kept her on the shelf for most of the last six months because they couldn’t figure out a program for her.

Having said all that, I’m not sure how I feel about this angle. Alexa has a history of body dismorphia, Nia has been bullied and fat shamed her whole life and they are best friends. These things all add up to a disaster unless they are both 100% on board for this feud.

I read bits from an interview Nia did a week or so ago and she put a positive spin on it and said they were shining a spotlight on real world problems and she is proud of that. As long as both women are proud of the work they are doing I am all for this match and I am really excited about Nia Jax‘s title reign!

SmackDown Women’s Champion Charlotte Flair vs. Asuka

At any other PPV this is a main event match. You have arguably WWE’s best female wrestler in Charlotte Flair defending against arguably the best female wrestler we’ve ever seen from New Japan. I am so glad they went with this pairing instead of Asuka and Alexa. Not to take anything from Alexa, she’s fantastic. I just think Charlotte can get so much more physical and I know for a fact Asuka can take it based on matches I’ve seen where Minoru Suzuki throws her around like a rag doll. Obviously Asuka wins the title here. My hope is they keep it on her for a full year until next Wrestlemania.

Daniel Bryan & Shane McMahon vs. Kevin Owens & Sami Zayn

My big question right now is if Shane can actually make it to Mania. He got the shit legit beaten out of him by Kevin and Sami and while on vacation ended up in the hospital and got a staph infection. That was like, last week. IF Shane is there I can’t see him being much of a tag team partner. That’s not good for a guy who just got cleared and hasn’t even had any house shows to knock off the ring rust. What does that mean for Daniel Bryan?

FIRE AND BRIMSTONE BY GAWD KANE!

The return of team Hell No and a much bigger pop than Kane is used to.

If they do this right Kevin is off TV for a couple of months to let some injuries heel so he can be at 100% when Daniel and Shane start their feud and Daniel hired Kevin and Sami back resulting in Daniel and Shane at either Summerslam in August or Hell in a Cell in September.

Kurt Angle & Ronda Rousey vs. Triple H & Stephanie McMahon

I don’t watch UFC but I know what a big deal Ronda Rousey joining the WWE is. I like that they’ve teamed her with another “legit” athlete AND used history from 2014 to add fuel to an already pretty big fire. Stephanie has been training non stop during the buildup to this so I think we are going to be surprised by how good she looks in the ring. I’ve seen a lot of HHH pins Kurt speculation but I don’t think HHH would put himself over the new hire who promises to make WWE a LOT of money in the next few years. Ronda and Kurt take it and I’m hoping next Wrestlemania is Rousey vs Asuka for the title.

John Cena Undertaker

This whole angle has made Cena look like a crybaby lunatic and I think it has tarnished his reputation. I doubt the Undertaker even shows up but if he does I don’t think we will get a match until MAYBE next Wrerstlemania.

Maybe.

WWE Champion AJ Styles vs. Shinsuke Nakamura

This is the REAL main event of Wrestlemania. AJ Styles is the best guy on the roster. Hands down. He got so over as a heel he had a “fuck it, I’m a babyface now” moment on live TV and ran with it. It doesn’t matter if AJ is rocking his mom hair or a buzz cut, he is absolutely phenomenal. Shinsuke is just as good and has a weird charisma that I don’t understand. By that I mean I can’t understand him. Why do they keep letting him talk? For the love of all that is Mush Mouth take the mic away from him and put him with Paul Heyman so Tuesday we hear the dulcet tones of Paul E Dangerously announce “your NEW WWE Heavyweight champion SHINSUKEEEEEE NAKAAAMURRRRAAAAA!!!!”

Universal Champion Brock Lesnar vs. Roman Reigns

I did an informal poll of everybody who has ever existed and literally nobody gives a shit about this match. I’m not sure Roman actually cares and we all know Brock could give a fuck. Roman wins and hopefully we never see Bork Lazer again.

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