featuring guest writer: SPIFFY!
I know Disco used to do some fresh news items to open these things, but fuck that. I’m the main
event. I don’t need filler to get me over with the boys.
The show opens with a Fourth of July barbecue. Hornswaggle has some divas help him get wet. I
bet that’s the closest he ever came. Not like me. You know Lita told me my cock tasted like
Morgan’s herpes? I wonder how she knew? That skank sure got around. Teddy Long parades Eve and
her five head around in a maid outfit. Are we supposed to call French Maids ‘freedom maids’ now?
USA! USA! USA! Santino shows off his superior comedy skills by not being able to light a
barbecue. I don’t know why you guys are so hard on him. He was a real good worker in the
indies. His workrate was Benoit level! My good pal Glen Jacobs comes out and lights the
barbecue with a wave of his hand. I taught him that trick in Atlanta!
OLD SKOOL LINE BREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111111111111
Josh Matthews is out there with Booker and Cole. I wish it was just all Booker! Cole and Josh
suck. They never really worked in the business like I have. They don’t deserve to be out there
with a legend like Booker. Did you know I was offered the spot to replace Stevie Ray in Harlem
Heat? I couldn’t do it, though. My band Walk of Lame had a string of gigs booked at Super 8′s
across the northeast. We totally KILLED it! AWESOME! There’s a 20 man battle royal coming up!
We totally get to see all the boys from the back that don’t get nearly enough TV time! Cole is
gonna talk to AJ too! I hope she shows her tits on live national basic cable TV, because that’s
totally appropriate and what the long suffering fans of the WWE deserve!
Ricardo introduces Alberto Del Rio and the crowd is HOT! Man I always loved the crowds in
whatever city this is! They totally remind me of the fans in Philly! They’re smart too! They know
that although ADR is a heel, he has an awesome workrate, and they reward him accordingly! Aw man,
here’s the replay of Alberto attacking Sin Cara from Raw. That little Mexican’t has been such a
disappointment. They should have totally stuck with the other guy as Sin Cara. You can clearly
tell from this 8 second segment that this guy just isn’t ready for the big leagues. I should
have been Sin Cara. Like all these wrestlers are huge, right? So my 286 pound frame would look
like a natural cruiserweight against these guys. And the boys in the back would respect me,
because I’m not some filthy Mexican’t, I just play one on TV.
Alberto grabs the mic and trash talks Sheamus, calling him a mick peasant. He says he refuses to
celebrate America as well. He’s such an awesome heel! He has this smart crowd eating out of the
palm of his hand. This is how you do it, fellas! Alberto then gets out of the ring and starts
demanding immigration papers from anyone that looks like they don’t bathe. In other words THE
WHOLE CROWD! HAH! Sometimes I make myself laugh. Except when Walk of Lame performs The Rose.
Then I can’t help but to shed a single tear at the end of the song. That last note is so
beautiful. I should know. I’m the singer! Anyways, my boy Alberto tells one man that he is
gonna have him tossed out. He calls for security, but they guy says “This isn’t Arizona! This is
Texas!” HAH! That’s so topical! I bet that guy is a plant though. I’m about 75% sure he is.
Vince knows how to put on a good show, but he can’t get one like that past one of the boys like
Sheamus’ music hits! We played this last week in Boston and the crowd LOVED it! They were HOT!
Sheamus attacks Alberto and chases him up the ramp. Sheamus shoves Alberto off the ramp but
Ricardo jumps on his back. Ricardo is such an awesome worker! I wish they would let him run
with it like he did in the indies. I bet he could put half the roster to shame. Sheamus shrugs
him off and attacks Del Rio again. Alberto gets the upper hand and Ricardo opens the hood of
Alberto’s car. Sheamus is stuffed under and has the hood slammed on his head a bunch of times.
Such a heel move! Alberto is awesome! I rate his heel quotient at 98% here. he would have got
100% if he had made another dig at America again. Maybe next week, buddy!
Commercial break means it’s time for another old school line break!
Man I totally threw you a curve there! I can play the heel too! I learned from Abyss back when he
was Captain Justice back in FCMCXPW. The next match is a mixed tag. Khali is tagging with Layla,
while Antonio Cesaro, who I worked with back when he was Gino del Stereotypo in OVW, is teamed
with Aksana. Disco says this recap is already too long and boring so I am not allowed to give a
blow by blow breakdown of the match. What a jerk! You think he could show a little respect to an
OLD SKOOL legend like me. Fuck him. Layla wins with the titty slap. That match was a shitty
botchfest all around. Disappointing outing for my boy Antonio.
After three army commercials and a pitch for the Jeff Hardy DVD, they showed Mick Foley winning
the title back in 1999. Tony Schiavone announced that Foley won the belt before it happened on
Nitro. Total dick move! I’m glad he is reduced to calling baseball for some shitty team in
Atlanta instead of up in the prestigious announcer role of a wrestling company.
Cody Rhodes fights Christian for a Money in the Bank qualifier match. Man these guys are both
sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo good! I wish I could tell you about the awesome spot off the
ropes, but I am not allowed. These new guys at Lethal are real assholes. Cody wins and does some
awesome heel posing for the crowd. He is a natural! That match was the definition of workrate.
The Smackdown MITB match looks WICKED! Sandow, Kidd, Albert, Santino and now Cody! I think I
just wet myself!
Next they return to the backstage party. Zack promises to play some BSB. AWESOME! Walk of Lame
does “I Want It That Way”, and I always make sure to look into the eyes of the hottest chick in
the front row when I sing it. Sometimes they are even under 200 pounds! Heath Slater (who
SUCKS!) busts in and sings his retarded ginger hillbilly song. Everyone throws garbage at him.
CLASSIC! Zack gets on the turntables and spins Brodus Clay’s theme. He comes in and starts
dancing with two ghetto whores.
ZIG ZAGGY LINE BREAK, MOTHAFUCKAZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!
Which is appropriate because Dolph Ziggler is fighting Alex Riley next. This is another MITB
qualifier. Vicky is with Dolph. I hate her because she is ugly. She has too many teeth. But I
LOOOOOOOOOOVE Dolph. His hair is dreamy!Not surprisingly Dolph wins. LIKE THERE WAS EVER A
CHANCE HE WOULDN’T!!!!!!11 Now he is also in the already awesome MITB Smackdown match.
After the commercial Michael Cole interviews AJ. She skips to the ring and they play a video of
her shoving CM Pumk off the top rope and through a table with Bryan Danielson. AJ is THE BEST
THING going in the WWE right now. This is how all Divas should be written. Conniving back
stabbing little bitches, just like every girl that would smile in my general direction and then
run away when I approach them just because they don’t like the smell of a man. I AM A WORKER DAMN
IT! YOU CAN’T HAVE A WORKRATE LIKE MINE AND EXPECT To BE MINTY FRESH 24/7! Cole ruins the
interview by doing all the talking. He even tries to hit on AJ. Like she would EVER have
anything to do with him! He’ isn’t one of the boys, he’s just a mouthpiece. Of course, AJ gives
him that sly little smirk. She’s such an awesome heel! I just may give up music and bag Vince
McMahon for a job just so I could be near her. But my fans would miss me, and I them. Alas, it is
not meant to be for me and AJ.
AWESOME! The muzak version of Flight of the Valkries hits followed by the YES chants! He’s
holding his ribs. Still selling a day later! Awesome! I would have loved to see him fight Chris
Benoit. The universe would have exploded in a fantastic armageddon of workrate and psychology!
Bryan calls Cole a sexist and a bully, before turning his attention to AJ. He says he trusts AJ
will perform her job fairly as a ref. He knows she didn’t mean to injure him when she pushed
Punk off the ropes. He forgives her. Man he is so awesome as a heel!
OMG THERE’S CM PUNK’S MUSIC! CAN THIS SEGMENT GET ANY BETTER??? GOD I HOPE THEY BREAK INTO A
SPONTANEOUS CHAIN WRESTLING MATCH!!! Punk tells Bryan to get out of the ring and he scurries away
like a true heel. Punk says that AJ is a flake and he will not ignore what she did to him. He
says that maybe some of it is his fault and then he apologizes. Awwwwww. What a suck up baby
face heel. If it was anyone else I would have this, but I know Phil has it in him to go back to
being a true heel eventually. Punk says he won’t toy with AJ’s emotions because she’s a sweet
girl. Bryan chimes back in and says that is a load of horseshit. Punk doesn’t care about AJ.
Bryan does. Punk is just using her to help him win their match. The microphones drop and we get
an INTENSE stare down. Five stars! AJ steps between them. She kisses Bryan so Punk angrily
leaves. AJ chases him and grabs him and kisses him. God I wish I was him. I could totally do
it too! I’ve studied this business as ling as Phil has. A couple of weeks in the gym and I
would look better than him too. AJ skips away doing the Yes chants as both men look confused.
Next match is Santino, Sgt Slaughter and Hacksaw Jim Duggan vs some Mexicans and a Scotsman. I
don’t have to tell you who wins, do I? That’s fuckin right! USA! USA! USA! Call me a softie
(like my girlfriend does), but I am a sap for all this patriotic stuff. Kinds gets you right
here. I am pointing at my third nipple.
In the back, Sandow stops the music and calls the party a disgrace. Zack attacks him then tries
to throw punch at him. Sandow ducks it and Eve gets drenched. Teddy Long offers everyone some
weed and says that this is his kind of party!
After the break Ryback beats Curt Hawkins and Tyler Recks. Welcome to future-endeavorland.
Population you guys! HA! I kill me!
Okay someone should.
They show a recap of Alberto slamming Sheamus’ head under his hood. This means that Sheamus will
NOT be a part of the 20 man battle royal. Somewhere in Oklahoma City, a single tear is shed.
Man this thing is WIDE OPEN now that Sheamus isn’t in it.
Final OLD SKOOL LINE BREAK!!!!!!!
—- —- – — -
WHAT THE FUCK? A MISFIRE? THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED TO ME BEFORE I SWEAR! BABY YOU’RE SO BEAUTIFUL
PLEASE DON’T LEAVE!!!!!!!!
The battle royal trudges on with some awesome spots and a REALLY HOT CROWD! When it is down to
two men, we are left with Kane and Zack Ryder. OH MAN! THIS IS A HOT RIVALRY THAT THE FANS ARE
ALL OVER! Ryder strikes first but Kane beats off Ryder (LOL!!!11). Kane goes for the powerslam
but Ryder slides away. They trade whips and drop toe holds before Kane rushes Ryder. Zack pulls
down the top rope and Kane goes over! OMG ZACK WINS! HOLY SHIT THAT’S AWESOME! SUCH A TALENTED
AND DEDICATED WORKER IT’S GREAT TO SEE HIM GET HIS COMEUPPANCE! For winning the battle royal,
Zack gets to….. Host next week’s Smackdown? What kind of prize is that? This is TOTAL
BULLSHIT! HE SHOULD GET TO FIGHT FOR THE BELT! THIS IS A RIP OFF! VINCE MCMAHON HAS HIS HEAD UP
HIS ASS! God damn it. I am so pissed! NO SHOW ANALYSIS! FUCK THIS! I’M GOING TO WATCH TNA FROM
~Spiffy: Wasting away again in Margueritaville
PS can one of you guys email me a link for the UFC PPV tomorrow?