(*Looks around, wincing, sipping…then chugging a can of Busch Light. Throws it on the floor.*)
Really?
That’s all you gots to say about this.
Pink? They painted this shit pink?
And you’re gonna stand there as silent as Mrs. Sandusky during a Young Boy Waterbed Basement Buttfuckin’?
ALLEGED YOUNG BOY WATERBED BASEMENT BUTTFUCKIN’.
YOU LIKE THIS FAGGOT PINK SHIT?
THE PINK REALLY TIES THE ROOM TOGETHER.
You sayin’ you’re gonna stand by and watch passively as a Biblical atrocity unfolds in front of your very muthafuckin’ eyes?
You implyin’ you’d just sit idly and not give a fuck when the world is turnin’ muthafuckin’ upside down?
Are you sayin’ you’d passively allow man’s inhumanity to man, even when friends suffer???
I’M A FUCKIN’ WRESTLER, HELLO?
(*Shrugs.*) Word. (*Hi-Fives Piper.*)
KAYFABE.
Screw me for judging you.
WHY ARE WE HERE?
While I have the feeling you are probably high as fuck and merely spouting existential queries, I’ll answer the question for you and the readers. I know you muthafuckas missed us, and I’ll bet JAV felt pretty goddamn lonely, languishing on the Main Page by himself, writing about sweaty bleeding men assraping eac–.
TACO WAGONS.
Shut the fuck up. And sadly, Lethal Radio is on indefinite hiatus for the time being.
PRICE ROLLBACK ON THE DEAD BABY LAYING NEXT TO THE GRAPE DRINK.
Mmm…grape drink.
EXPLODING SUV’S AND STOLEN FACEBOOK PHOTOS.
I really don’t want to dwell on th–
THREE GUYS INTERRUPTING EACHOTHER REPEATEDLY VIA SKYPE.
I wish we did this over Skype so I woudn’t have to share a room with you.
I WISH WE DID THIS OVER CHATROULETTE SO I COULD SHOW YOU MY DICK.
And you wonder why I do this shit with my ass backed up against a wall at all times.
I FIGURED YOU THOUGHT THIS WAS ONE OF THE MANY TIMES YOU WERE IN A LINEUP.
Why do I tolerate you?
BITE THE PILLOW, TOBY.
Fuck you dude, just…fuck you.
Apparently there’s a tape floating around the wrestling community of Jim Cornette and his favorite food in a rather inappropriate way.
EATING KETCHUP ON A FILET MIGNON?
NOT BOILING RAMEN FOR THREE MINUTES?
NOT USING E.V.O.O. ON A SAMMY?
NOT USING A CAN OF MILK INSTEAD OF A CAN OF WATER WHEN MAKING CAMPBELL’S TOMATO SOUP?
MICROWAVING THE POTATO INSTEAD OF BAKING IT IN THE OVEN?
SHARING HIS FRIED CHICKEN WITH BLACK PEOPLE?
Did I mention I hate Jim Cornette?
Vampiro gave some guy a BJ.
Did you get a Polaroid of it?
POLAROIDS DON’T WORK SO WELL IN TRUCK STOP BATHROOMS.
You think that’s a hassle? Try taking pictures of Terri Runnels with a Smartphone after you beat the shit out her.
I HAVE A DAGUERROTYPE OF FRANK GOTCH GIVING GEORGE HACKENSCHMIDT AN ANGRY DRAGON.
That’s pretty fucked up, dude.
IT REALLY TIES MY SON’S ROOM TOGETHER.
I heard a story about Kevin Nash covering his sack with peanut butter and letting his two golden retreivers lick it off of him in his backyard. What was even better is that he would scream things like, “I AM WORLD CHAMPION DADDY!” or “MY BALLS ARE TOOOO SWEEEEEEEET!” and “BIG SEXY IN THE HOUSE!”
THE LUCKIEST DOGS IN THE WHOLE WORLD.
I wouldn’t call tasting Shawn Michael’s buttfroth “lucky.”
IT TASTES LIKE WHATABURGER, ICO-PRO, AND PASTOR JOHN HAGEE’S SPERM.
I have a feeling someone fabri…wait…how do you know this?
SHAWN DID THE HONORS FOR ME IN A BACKLOT BRAWL IN MY ROOM AT THE POUGHKEEPSIE RED ROOF INN.
YOU KNOW HOW THE SLUTTIEST GIRL IN YOUR HIGH SCHOOL ALWAYS FINDS JESUS AFTER GETTING KNOCKED UP?
One of the WCW luchadors carried a litter box with him on the road and always used it instead of the toilet.
You were there during that time. Did you see that?
BISCHOFF DIDN’T ALLOW THE MEXICANS TO USE THE TOILETS.
That’s kinda fucked up…actually it makes perfect sense. What do they eat to make such apocalyptically awful shits, deviled eggs sprinkled with gunpowder? Maybe it’s those corn cobs covered in mayonnaise you buy from the guy on the bike at the flea market. Perhaps it’s those gross-ass tamarind lollypops they love so much. You ever go into a gas station bathroom after a Mexican goes in there?
HAVE I EVER.
I phrased that wrong…
QUIT CRYIN’ AND BITE THE URINAL CAKE, JUVENTUD.
SPICS.
X-Pac, Sean Waltman, Syxx whatever you want to call him pushed around a fan at some Wisconsin amusement park or some such thing because the guy was pestering him for an autograph. Apparently the guy of course sued him and they ended up settling.
How did this story get into the DVDVR Scummy Wrestling Stories thread? That’s the most boring shit ever. Who cares? Who picked this shit?
A GUY IN A PLUTO SUIT ONCE TOUCHED MY PRIVATES AT DISNEY MGM STUDIOS.
That’s awful, I’m sorry. Whatever provoked that unfortunate episode?
THE $50 BILL I GAVE HIM.
WE HAD TO FIND SOME CREATIVE WAYS TO AMUSE OURSELVES IN BETWEEN “WCW SATURDAY NIGHT” TAPINGS.
CHEER SIGN. BOO SIGN. CHEER SIGN. BOO SIGN.
Couldn’t you have, like, rode a roller coaster or gone swimming or some shit?
NO WAY, THAT SHIT’S GAY.
Haku went to McDonalds to get some dinner, and left it in his locker when he went to work his match, came back and some of his fries were missing, Jimmy Jack Funk took them, and Haku took his nose.
You ever jack Jesse’s jimmy?
I RESENT THE IMPLICATION THAT ANY MEMBER OF THE BARR FAMILY ENGAGED IN DEVIANT SEXUAL BEHAVIOR, SIR.
There was a girl who grew up attending Portland Wrestling shows, and knew many of the wrestlers personally. For years, the mere mention of the late Art Barr made her cry uncontrollably, as he had babysat her as a small child. Eventually (and inevitably), the boys ratted her out, she became a valet, and she had a kid with one of Art’s brothers (who used to tag with another brother, both wearing Art’s old Love Machine tights, and called themselves the “Heart-On Connection”).
After Art’s father Sandy died of a heart attack in 2007, it was revealed that the girl was one of his illegitmate children.
You were saying?
I don’t know which part of that story is most disturbing…the inbred baby, the “Heart-On Connection,” or the fact that you aren’t mentioned in that story.
JUST WHAT ARE YOU IMPLYING?
Why are you people such sick fucks up there?
BECAUSE WE’RE BORED.
(*shrugs*)
KAYFABE.
I guess it’s that, become a serial killer, or go hiking. The fuck else is there to do…
In the mid ’70s in Northern California, Peter Maivia went nuts at a night club. Nine police officers were called, in the nine on one brawl Peter was the last man standing.
MMMMMMMM.
PETERS AND NUTS.
YOU ARE UNDER ARREST FOR BEING MY SEXY SAMOAN SUCKBITCH.
About 7 years ago or so I lived in a tiny town about 2 hours south of San Antonio called Mathis. So anyway I’m watching Thunder (I think) and Chris Adams is wrestling, when my friend and his girlfriend Amber came over. Amber sees Adams on TV and says to me “I hate that guy.” I ask why and she says, “Because a few years ago he was married to my aunt Toni. He used to beat the shit out of her. One time they had to take her to the emergency room because he really layed a beating on her. They told the staff at the ER that she had been hit by a truck, and I guess they bought it because they let her go after awhile.”
SPRAY SOME BACTINE ON IT AND SHUT YOUR BITCH ASS UP, TONI.
It’s wrong to hit women.
The fuck did you just say to me?
Well?
JEWS.
That’s better.
In Montreal, Sailor White (later was one of the Moondogs) got into it with Billy Robinson. Robinson had been slapping White around. White kneed him in the balls, and proceed to beat him up. He also pissed on Robinson.
Yeahuuuh we’re gonna skip that one…HEY, get your goddam hand out of your kilt, dude.
SORRY.
Villano III, IV and V are awesome dudes, and to all accounts, Villano I was as well. But Villano II got in a bit of trouble after raping a teen. He was jailed and “returned the favour” several times every day. When he got out of jail he hung himself in his house.
(*slaps forehead*) Goddammit, Rod, you busted me open ag–
VILLANO II WAS FRATS BROTHER.
THAT’S THE WAY YOU DO BUSINESS, BROTHER, RETURNIN’ THE FAVOR.
It means he was raped in jail repeatedly.
OOOGAH.
Does that sound hot to you?
SWEATY BROWN FLESH PRESSED AGAINST COLD STEEL AND CRUMBLING BRICK.
Have you ever been in a Mexican jail? Bam Bam Bigelow told me it’s not a nice pl–
THE TENDER CARESS OF A CARTEL MULE.
SWEET TEARS AND REFRIED BEANS LUBRICATING MANO A MANO AMOR.
Do you WANT to go to a Mexican jail?
I CAN’T GO TO JAIL. I’M WHITE.
You are a fucking asshole and I hate you.
Terry Garvin tried to stick his finger up Billy Jack Haynes’s ass in the shower
Man I heard lotsa muthafuckin’ stories about Terry Garvin, man.
BILL WAS ASKIN’ FOR IT. HE HAD THAT BIG YELLOW “O” ON HIS GREEN PANTIES.
GO DUCKS.
HANDS OF STONE.
Wrong Garvin brother.
MAMA DIDN’T FUCK NO SLAVES.
No, I meant…fucking goddammit…I am going to stab you with a sharpened toothbrush while you sleep.
William Regal supposedly “humbled” Lesnar while doing a bit of instruction in OVW. Of course his being stiff with Goldberg in a match is also well-known.
Who’s picking this sh–
I ONCE GAVE A STIFF HUMBLING TO SHANE MCMAHON IN THE TITAN TOWERS WEIGHT ROOM WHILE HELLWIG SAT THERE WATCHING. HE SHED BITTER, BITTER TEARS THAT SMUDGED HIS MAKEUP.
Whose makeup, Shane’s or Warrior’s?
DESTRUCTICITY.
Dynamite Kid used to wake his wife Michelle up by putting a pistol to her head… and pulling the trigger once her eyes opened. Then he would say, “One day, it will be loaded.”
Are we supposed to make fun of that?
I KNOW, RIGHT?
That’s friggin’ hilarious.
Come on, don’t be like that. What, you expect him to bring her breakf–
I’M JUST CONFUSED.
About what?
ALARM CLOCKS BEING ILLEGAL IN ALBERTA.
(Any rumors, stories, or slanderous bullshit you want to contribute to future installments of “Ask New Jack?” Why, head on over to the LE Forum and share with us, and they’ll use it. I promise.)