Sup folks. Cant lie, I’m floored over Al Davis dying this morning. Shout out to all Raiders fans, or fans of general badasses. Despite this, I’m pushing through for all the readers. We got a great card tonight, the smaller guys are getting busy which means we shouldnt have gassed out fatty’s like Denver. You know the routine. I’m Italics, Cruelty isnt, LETS DO THIS ONE FOR BIG AL!
Tiequan Zhang over Darren Elkins – Round 1 Submission (Armbar)
Elkins is basically just a slugger, so this is a terrible style matchup for him. Zhang is a wrestler who fell in love with submissions and hunts relentlessly for them. I’m working with some Chinese people right now and I can tell you that when they are determined to do something, they are willing to email me nine thousand times to ask questions in Chinese. GoogleTranslate will only get a guy so far, and it certainly can’t teach Elkins how to defend submissions so he’s fucked.
Darren Elkins over Tiequan Zhang – JD
Elkins should be able to outgrapple Zhang. I hate picking against the infamous CHINA TOP TEAM but Zhang showed me little grappling skill, and Elkins should be able to get busy when they get chest to chest. Due to him being Chinese, the CRAZY JAP SUB option is not available here.
Aaron Simpson over Eric Schafer – Round 3 JD
These guys are going to light the fucking world on fire with excitement!! Get this: one is a lay-n-pray wrestler, and the other is a submission wrestler who moves like he’s underwater. It’s probably a misinterpretation of the traditional martial arts adage “Be like water.” That was almost a second GoogleTranslate joke. Holy shit what happened to dick jokes and racist jokes? Ok so I’m supposed to pick this fight based on some fucking ability to compare freestyle wrestling ability? That’s too nerdy for even me, so I’m picking the better athlete and moving on.
Aaron Simpson over Eric Schafer – JD
Hate picking against Red, but Simpson is the better grappler. Wondering if Simpson’s stand up has tightened up since the Leben fight. Simpson is the perfect example of “Win boring fights, keep getting pushed to the bottom of the card”. Red should use footwork to keep away from Simpson and throw bombs, but I don’t think that happens.
Steve Cantwell over. Mike Massenzio – Round 3 Submission (Guillotine)
Mike keeps stirring up trouble in the house, and the latest thing is airing out his hookup with Snooki. I’m like are you SERIOUS rightnow?!!? Well he’s back fighting another LHW which doesn’t make any sense to me cuz he looks like a 185er, but what makes less sense is how he still has a contract. Both of these guys have shit records in the UFC. The top of this card is stacked and I like the chinaman in the curtainjerker, but there are a few bad fights in a row here. Massenzio was completely helpless in his fight with Polish Krys and Cantwell is another big guy who will use punches to keep him away. Massenzio will end up shooting from outside and get his neck in trouble.
Steve Cantwell over Mike Massenzio – TKO Rd 1
Hey remember back when Cantwell was Stann’s human punching bag that actually fought back? Those were the days. Massenzio has one of those “Can beat anyone except guys in the UFC” records going on, and I don’t think that changes tonight. Cantwell sees Stann backstage which triggers a “slugging dummy” autopilot, and finishes Mike early.
Joey Beltran over Stipe Miocic – Round 2 TKO
Beltran’s last fight was against a Mexican punching bag named Aaron Rosa, and he impressed me by mixing up strikes and not gassing even though he’s fat. Stipe Miocic has a name that looks like someone button mashed on a birth certificate, but that’s sorta how they roll in Croatia. He’s a small HW but at least he’s not fat like Beltran because this country hates fat people. The Republicans are going to run a retarded chick or a mormon instead of a charismatic fat guy because nobody thinks America will elect a fat guy president. This in an era where a Muslim Communist from Kenya is president. Anyway this is a debut and Miocic, and his small promotion wins were not as impressive in grainy YouTube form as they appear on paper. He doesn’t move all that well for a guy who looks like a good athlete, and I saw nothing creative in his striking game. Beltran has a great chin and should put some Mexican flabby fury on Miocic’s half-checkered ass.
Joey Beltran over Stipe Miocic – TKO Rd 1
I imagine that the phone call for this fight went like this..
Joey’s manager: Yeah Dana just called, they want you to fight this Miocic kid…
Joey: Is he a striker first with upside potential, like every guy I’ve fought in the UFC?
Joey’s manager: Yeah.
Joey: Sounds great. VIVA LA RAZA!
It sounded funnier in my head I swear. Stipe will throw lazy kicks, and MEXICUTIONER will throw hard looping punches to counter those, and put Miocic and his Cro Copp trunks to sleep.
Demian Maia over Jorge Santiago – Submission (Topside triangle)
Maia has become a decent striker and I think this is an interesting fight as a result. The knock on Santiago has always been his chin, so when the fight is standing we could see Maia drop him… and on the ground we could see a great bjj battle. Obviously I see more ways for Maia to win, and I am choosing a submission because Santiago can be a bit desperate with his takedowns, and I think Maia will counterwrestle and end up in a dominant position.
Jorge Santiago over Demian Maia – TKO Rd 1
I still don’t buy “Maia can strike now” PROPAGANDA. I’ve said this now what, his last 5 fights now, he strikes to avoid getting KTFO, and throws pillow punches. Santiago looked shitty versus Stann in his re-debut. I’m thinking here he strings together strikes and people say “Oh wow that’s why he’s in the UFC” after this fight. Santiago stays away from the clinch and throws buck nastee knees/punches that put Maia on his ass, and he gets finished with G & P.
Leonard Garcia over Nam Phan – Round 3 JD
These are not great fighters but the judging in the first fight was so atrocious that having a rematch was the right thing to do. Garcia will try to slug, Phan will try kickbox, and it should be mildly entertaining again. Phan won last time by playing it fairly safe, and I’m going out on a limb a little bit here and predicting that this time he lets his emotions get the better of him. After the last loss he might be unwilling to fight a close fight, and try to slug it out with Garcia. I’m not sure Garcia has great power in his big silly punches but he throws in volume that Phan can’t match no matter how annoyed he may be.
Nam Phan over Leonard Garcia TKO Rd 3
This card quietly got sick as fuck with this fight. The last fight was fun as hell, I’m expecting the same out of this one. Garcia is the only guy who refuses to listen to Greg Jackson. I’m sure they have a great game plan going in, and then Garcia flushes that shit about 2 minutes into every fight. Phan will use his EXCELLENT body work to hurt Garcia midway through the fight, then finish later with the same body work. And I’ll scream at everyone in Lethal Chat “SEE THIS IS WHY YOU THROW BODY STRIKES” for the 57,452,677th time.
Jeremy Stephens over Anthony Pettis – Round 3 JD
These two guys have very bright futures and we’re seeing them face eachother early in their careers. This is like if Hermione from HP2 went down on Natalie Portman from The Professional. You’re not sure if they’ll realize their potential but you like what you see now, and your imagination runs a little wild. Stephens has been fighting in the UFC for a couple years now, and we have really seen him evolve his mix of wrestling and power punching. Ben Henderson was able to manhandle Pettis in his fight, and was much less effective in the standup. I’m a little worried that Pettis will catch a sub from his back but Stephens has been growing as a fighter and I think he’ll be too smart. Even though he looks like a whitetrash retard, I believe he can be trained to avoid submission. After a nice win, Emma Watson moves on to face Who’s The Boss Alyssa Milano aka Donald Cerrone.
Jeremy Stephens over Anthony Pettis – JD
Torn over this fight. Really wanna go Pettis, but IMO the wrestlers at Roufus camp aren’t helping him, they’re hurting him. I know they got Askren there now, but the Guida fight was VERY telling of where his grapping is. Sure he’s got amazing strikes, and good subs, but I’m not sure he’s going to be able to use them against Stephens, who is a GRAPPLEFUCK machine. I think this goes like the Guida fight, where we see flashes of brilliance out of Pettis when he’s not pinned on the mat, but it wont be enough to win at the end of the fight.
Melvin Guillard over Joe Lauzon – Round 1 KO
Lauzon ran some game on guys recently but he’s in over his head here. Guillard is much stronger and I expect him to blast Joe out early. Guillard is lethal right now and I don’t think Lauzon is quick enough with his footwork to stay out of range, or a good-enough wrestler to fight-off shots if Lauzon shoots under punches.
Melvin Guillard over Joe Lauzon – TKO Rd 1
Again, REALLY want to go the other way on this fight. I think J-Lau could use his aggressive BJJ to get this to the mat via trip up and catch Melvin with a choke, but it seems impossible to get Melvin to the mat now, and he smokes cats standing now days. THE SAME WAY HE SMOKES CRACK SEE WHAT I DID THERE? Joe is gonna get floored and Melvin will punch until pulled off.
Chael Sonnen over Brian Stann – Round 3 JD
Mike Goldberg is going to be completely intolerable during this fight. He might just overheat and yell HERO VERSUS PLUMBER FRAUD over and over. Sonnen is a bad matchup for Stann will be forced down into the muck like his peeps in 1974 Vietnam. Sonnen will throw him and beat him up, because Sonnen is a dick but he’s also a much better wrestler than anyone Stann has faced.
Brian Stann over Chael Sonnen – Sub Rd 2
Honestly, I’m all aboard the Stann bandwagon. I’ve said it before; I’ve done a complete 180 on the kid. He’s officially living up to the hype after his last two fights, and I think this one will cement him as the #2 MW in the world. I’m also a bit tired of the “SONNEN IS GOOD BECAUSE HE ALMOST BEAT ANDERSON” shit. He had a great night and great gameplan, and Anderson had an off night and a broken rib. And Sonnen got submitted AGAIN. On a triangle AGAIN. THAT’s SIX TIMES HES BEEN SUBMITTED BY THE SAME MOVE. (Sherdog says 5, but I count the Filho one, technically it was a triangle, armbar combo) Stop already people. His lone option to win this fight is can he blanket Stann for 15 minutes. I don’t think he does. Stann will get taken down, and use aggressive BJJ to either catch a sub, or force Sonnen to stand and he’ll get destroyed. I’m going sub.
Jose Aldo over Kenny Florian – Round 5 JD
Florian is a good well-rounded fighter but I think he lacks the speed he needs to kickbox with Aldo, and power he needs to wrestle with him. Aldo has scary scary speed and some decent bjj we don’t see too often. I think Florian is skilled and smart, so he’ll make this a good fight. Aldo showed some cardio issues in his fight with Hominick that slowed him down from lethal/amazing to very very good, and I think Florian will try to wear him out the same way. Hominick is pretty special in terms of cardio, and I’m not sure if Kenny is there, but I think he’ll make a go of it. Aldo will win the early rounds and Kenny may take a later one, but I think it will be too little too late.
JoZAY Aldo over Kenny Florian – TKO Rd 1
Florian never gets steamrolled, I know. But he’s fighting JOZAY FUCKING ALDO here folks. Florian had issues with HIS SPARRING PARTNER for fucks sake, now I’m going to believe he’s going to be able to run with one of the best fighters in the world? Nope. Florian is going to attempt take downs because all of a sudden people think that’s the way to beat Aldo. It might be, but Florian isn’t the dude to do it. He’s going to eat strikes, they’re going to be coming at him a million MPH, and he’s gonna be toast. Afterward we’ll all go “Yeah Bones isn’t #3 P4P yet.”
Frankie Edgar over Gray Maynard – Round 5 JD
Their first fight was epic, and I don’t’ see any reason to believe this won’t be awesome again. Edgar has the edge in speed, Maynard is much stronger. Both guys are technical in their own way, and it will be interesting to see if either guy has added an tricks. Edgar will slip punches and sprawl when he needs to. It’ll be 38-38 into the fifth and I think Edgar can secure the win by being a little fresher and getting some late takedowns.
Gray Maynard over Frankie Edgar – TKO Rd 1
Maynard made a simple mistake last fight. He shot his load trying to finish Edgar early. Can’t blame the guy, it happens when you’ve got a kid on Queer St nearly out. Edgar recovered well and stole rounds, and the fight. Maynard doesn’t make that mistake this time. He’s gonna clip Edgar early, and let the KO come to him rather then trying to chase it down. Wouldn’t be surprised if it goes 5 again, maybe Edgar uses his solid footwork to avoid take downs and score points like he did versus BJ? I don’t think Maynard makes the same mistake twice.