Sup fellow crime fighters? Ya boys are back on the block, serving up grilled cheese sandwiches with welfare cheese. You know that shit that would’nt melt? We got some fun fights here, and Daddy Dana is hooking you jews up with free FaceBook and Spike fights. You’re gonna steal the show anyway I’m sure, you smooth criminal you. You know the drill. I’m italics, Cruelty is not, JAM ON IT!
Yves Jabouin over Pablo Garza – TKO Rd 2
LOL Black Canadians. There are like a dozen of these right? It’s like a Mexican from Canada. ORALE EH? Garza is coming off a nice KO win, I’m expecting a stand up fight here. Hopefully the drunken Canadians in attendance will hear that Yves is from Canada and cheer for him?
Yves Jabouin over Pablo Garza – Round 1 KO
It was smart to match two fast-twitchy strikers in the curtain jerker. These guys are both reckless strikers, so someone is gonna fall. Based on home cage advantage, and some bias against TUF losers, I pick Jabouin to be the lucky guy that lands a wild shot.
Kyle Watson over John Makdessi – Sub Rd 1
The thing I remember most about Watson from TUF was he was the “Old man” in the house. That and he was Matt Hughes BJJ coach. The fact that a old white guy was MATT FUCKING HUGHES’ BJJ trainer still is a bit of a head scratcher. Whatever works for you I guess? Makdessi has made a name for himself on the smaller stage KO’ing cats, so I wonder if Watson can avoid bombs while looking for subs off his back. I will lean towards the old man catching a choke later in the first round. I’m going to factor in some of these Canadians catching stage fright jitters fighting in front of 55,000.
John Makdessi over Kyle Watson – Round 1 KO
Watson is the grappler in this striker-grappler fight, but he sorta sucks. He seemed OK on TUF but he wasn’t actually fighting good fighters. Makdessi is raw but I have been semi-impressed and I think he’ll punish Watson for being a mediocre wrestler.
Jason MacDonald over Ryan Jensen – Sub Rd 1
Shit Ryan Jensen is tough, this may be a bad pick. I’m leaning towards MacDonald not just because he has a bitching name and us Jason’s gotta stick together, but I’ve always loved his sub game. Remember folks he submitted Leben before Leben acted like he had a black belt. Jensen should try and keep this standing because Jason doesn’t have the best stand up game, but I think this fight hits the mat early, and MacDonald finds something to attack for the finish.
Jason MacDonald over Ryan Jensen – Rd 3 JD
The first and taller of our gingers, Jason MacDonald is a great hitman – hence the nickname. Ryan Jensen is a pretty similar fighter, but I favor MacDonald’s wrestling. This could be a boring one because I can’t see a finish, but whatever its on Facebook so you’ll be distracted by your drunken plan to stalk your coworkers friend in another Facebook tab. It’s what Zuckerberg would have wanted.
Charlie Valencia over Ivan Menjivar – TKO Rd 2
This pick possibly has a bit of “I want a Mexican to rep in Canada” to it. Menjivar took a few years off and I still don’t know why. It doesn’t take nearly 4 years to recover from injury. Valencia has been mad active, boncing between wins and losses in the WEC. I see a good scrap with Ivan getting dropped and finished with G & P for the win. Now wondering where Valencia will get his post-fight tacos at. He’s at the Pizza Hut, he’s at the Taco Bell?
Ivan Menjivar over Charlie Valencia – Rd 3 JD
Ivan Menjivar was a great little fighter back before his weight class existed, then he had a mediocre career in Japan. Valencia’s career has been up and down but testing the top tier of a new weight division is a tough job. He did almost kill Ian McCall with a suplex, and that was a fun moment, but he’s never really cracked the top tier. So what’s better? Shit man, who do you think I am? Well OK I pick Menjivar to hit a sub. There. Happy?
Daniel Roberts over Claude Patrick – Sub Rd 1
Shit does anyone know a Claude that isn’t a cool mother fucker? I’ve met two, and they were both slick dudes that could get mad pussy. Is it that girls are initially drawn in by the cool ass name, and the game just flows naturally from a Claude? This is a mystery that I may never solve. Anyway Ninja Roberts is back, CGJJ is back, and that means that you best not be scared, homie. Dude continues to progress every fight win or lose, and Claude is a 1-D stand up cat. Roberts should submit him easily. Claude will go hump random broads afterwards, so he’ll be ok.
Daniel Roberts over Claude Patrick – Round 1 Submission (Arm Triangle)
This must be the first fight between two black submission specialists outside of Jungle Fight. I love how racist that statement sounds out of context. Sometimes facts sound racist. Don’t get mad at me, get mad at facts. I’m just the messenger. Patrick is the better striker, and both guys are pretty raw. I’m picking Roberts because Patrick relies on his squeeze, and Roberts is a little more technical.
Jake Ellenberger over Sean Pierson – JD
Pierson had a much more winnable fight before dude got injured, and now has to fight a guy that’s tough as fuck. SO YOU WANNA BE AN ULTIMATE FIGHTER? (Cocky Lesnar voice) Ellenberger is going to grapplefuck Pierson for 3 rounds.
Jake Ellenberger over Sean Pierson – Rd 3 JD
Pierson is not polished but he’s a bully of a striker that will bring volume now that he’s more confident in the Octagon. Ellenberger has some upside himself as a grappler but hasn’t blown me away so far in the UFC. I think Ellenberger is a bit further along in his growth as a fighter, and he doesn’t have the weird baldy-with-sideburns thing that Pierson does. The Canucky crowd might hate on this fight as Ellenberger grinds (not in the sexy way or the coke-dealer way) on a local guy.
Nate Diaz over Rory MacDonald – Sub Rd 3
Last time MacDonald fought I ripped the shit outta everyone for crowning this kid “Next GSP” but I aint gonna lie, he impressed the shit outta me. He got taken into deep waters and drowned, but before that he was giving Condit the business, and I’ve always thought Condit was a borderline Top 5 cat. I ALMOST picked MacDonald here to beat Diaz, not just because it’s seems to be the sexy pick, but because good wrestlers give Nate fits. But MacDonald is still a bit too green and this isnt the best match up for him coming off a loss. Nate will use DIAZ BROS boxing to wear out MacDonald, and when Rory shoots Nate will take his neck and finish.
Nate Diaz over Rory MacDonald – Rd 3 JD
I go back and forth (like Aaliyah) with Rory MacDonald. He flashes brilliance but other times he’s just blah. He’s never bad, but you don’t get to fuck around at 170 in the UFC. He’s raw and would benefit from some development but Nate is no journeyman. Nate will exploit Rory’s mechanical standup, and Rory will have to wrestle and hope to survive Nate’s jits game. I don’t like to pick late replacements but you know Nate is always in shape. This is tough because Rory may have improved since we saw him last. Rory’s wrestling is not good enough and his striking is flat compared to Nate’s Mexican boxing.
Ben Henderson over Mark Bocek – JD
I hate for Benderson to be known as “Victim of the cage kick” but that’s what some know him as now. It almost eliminates all the great shit he did prior to it, because folks will look at the screen and say “Oh that’s the dude…” Hoping he can erase that tonight and get back into the mix of solid 155ers that should be fighting each other. Bocek is a helluva grappler, and Ben has been fighting 5 rounders so much the past few years that I wonder if he won’t kick it into overdrive until it’s too late. But Henderson has great ground game and stand up, and should be able to win 2 of the 3 rounds.
Ben Henderson over Mark Bocek – Rd 3 JD
Bocek will be the second ginger to fight on this card. If Andy Dalton gets drafted in the 2nd round (I’m writing this before Day 2 of the draft), this could be the biggest weekend in the history of Ginger Athletics. This is a well-made fight because Henderson is seemingly unsubmittable (submit that word to urbandictionary), and Bocek is a solid submission fighter who will test that theory. I like Henderson to do his normal ground-n-pound thing, and stay out of submission danger for the most part. There may be some tense moments when Bocek is threatening with his pale limbs and Ben’s ponytail is a mess, but Henderson will survive to ponytail another day. After his decision win Ben will thank the crap out of Jesus Christ who is currently recovering from his Resurrection Day hangover.
Jason Brilz over Vlad Matyushenko – JD
Funny to see all these fun solid tough to pick fights and then THIS SHIT. Brilz is a good grappler who gave Lil Nog fits, but then again what grappler DOESNT now? Vlad is really old. He’s been fighting for nearly 15 years and I wonder if he’s fighting just because he never managed his money right. Good grapplers give him issues, Brilz is just that, get ready for some GRAPPLEFUCKING!
Vladimir Matyushenko over Jason Brilz – Rd 3 JD
Matyushenko is a great wrestler but he’s old and he was never quick. This is a tough fight to pick because you have to project who is less slow. Brilz is not really an MMA fighter. He really belongs in the HW division when you consider his disinterested approach to MMA. I mean… at least pretend you respect the sport in interviews. That’s not too hard is it? Brilz is not the dynamic wrestler to cancel The Janitor’s veteran game. Vladdy will be the better striker which is sad, and the wrestling will be roughly even. Win, boring decision, the fans lose.
Lyoto Machida over Randy Couture – TKO Rd 3
Shit I’ve been torn about this fight. I love both of these guys, and would hate to see Randy get destroyed in his retirement fight. Then again, I don’t buy he’s retiring with a Fedor match more possible than ever. Much like Big Nog and Cro Copp, I wanna see these guys in “Super” fights only. BUT if Randy could smother Machida and gets this to the mat it could get VERY interesting. Randy has always been good at having a game plan, and trying to stick to it. Problem is I don’t see it happening. Machida is going to do his elusive shit and throw kicks from a distance where he can’t be grabbed on, and when Randy comes straight ahead he’s going to eat the straight left hand. I keep thinking about how Randy got folded by body kicks from Vera, and I believe Machida could deliver those some kicks just as hard. Randy goes down late, and Machida jumps on him for the TKO.
Lyoto Machida over Randy Couture – Rd 2 KO
I love that Randy is getting an interesting fight but this is a terrible matchup for him. Randy is best inside, and Lyoto is probably the best in MMA at staying outside. In my fantasy version of this fight, Lyoto is busting Randy up until the Canadian crowd stars chanting U-S-A for Captain America. Then we get the hulk up, finger waggle, and big right hand. Just in case that doesn’t happen, I will predict what will actually happen: Lyoto will hit Randy a lot. For most of the mid-2000s nobody hit Randy, but this IS the Machida Era remember, and Machida is special when it comes to hitting people. Randy has been KO’d a bit lately and I wonder about his chin. He’s not as quick as he used to be, and I think he gets finished here.
JOE-ZAY Aldo over Mark Hominick – KO Rd 2
Since when did Brazilians get to change the way JOSE is said? They’ve already fucked with Roger. As a Mexican, I am offended. I am also changing my name to JAY-ZON so when you see me in the streets, after the worshiping, call me by my correct name. JAY-ZON. Anyway Hominick is going to be game as fuck, and have that “I can strike with him” mind set that’s going to get him absolutely murdered. Hominick has great boxing and heavy hands, but so have a lot of the guys Aldo have fought. JOE-ZAY will start by breaking the legs down, then land a flying knee or big left hook that sleeps Hominick. I dont see anyone beating this kid for a long time.
José Aldo over Mark Hominick – Rd 2 TKO
FUCK YES. Sandwiched on the card between two wrestling matches, Zuffa gives us high-volume high-energy strikers. Aldo has ferocious muay Thai, and Hominick is going to stand with him bless his Canadian heart. The hands might be even but Aldo’s leg kicks will tilt this fight in his direction. After a round, Hominick will slow down from damage and Aldo will get after him. This is the casual MMA fan’s introduction to Jose Aldo and they’re going to get a load of this scary fucker.
Jake Shields over GSP – JD
It’s easy to label this fight THE BORING or a GRAPPLEFUCK but Shields is actually fun to watch on the mat. His sweeps and movement is different from the usual shit you see, and I think he’s going to take GSP into some deep water here. Now if GSP keeps it standing he could destroy Shields in a match that could look like Fitch-GSP, but I really do think Shields has some of the best ground game around. He finds a way to mix his wrestling and BJJ backgrounds together effectively He’s going to find a way to steal rounds by getting dominant positions and attempting subs from them. GSP fans will riot, and Nick Diaz will go NEO/Matrix and Superman Punch his way out of 55,000 angry Canadians with Shields attached to his back. Rematch in Oakland anyone?
Georges St-Pierre over Jake Shields – Rd 3 TKO
I wonder if the UFC sold the casual fans on Jake Shields. He’s good. He’s a good fighter and he’s big at 170. He has dominated good fighters with his wrestling for like 8 years. His top-position bjj is pretty good too coming out of Cesar Gracie’s camp, but he’s not much of a striker. I don’t think its lack of effort… I just think he doesn’t have it in him. He didn’t even look good striking on Bully Beatdown against some random wannabe from California. GSP gets and deserves tons and tons of hype for his wrestling. He can take Shields down, but we saw recently that his boxing is his new scary weapon and I think we’ll see it on display again in Canada. He can jab and stuff takedowns to a guaranteed win. The only question in my mind is if Shields can survive for 5 rounds against a guy he can’t take down. This is a new kind of deep water for Shields and I think he melts under the hot Canadian lights. GSP will wear him down and grab an easy takedown to set up a finish.
Enjoy the fights peeholes!
— Jav & Cruelty