A New Year’s Present from Disco Dave

Good day everyone. Disco Dave checking in with a late Christmas present for you all. As has happened several times in the past, some sort of media has fallen into my hands, giving me the opportunity to showcase my superior writing skills for the unwashed masses of the internet. Today’s crime of opportunity involves one of the most vile human beings on the planet. Someone so disgusting, Dennis Rodman once described her vagina as “What I imagine it looks like if you dropped a basket of tangerines from the space shuttle and then let the mess rot in the sun for several days”. I am of course talking about Madonna.

I was at my father’s house Christmas morning exchanging the crap we bought each other and needed to kill an hour or so before we were to leave to a real dinner somewhere. I decided to look through the DVD box and see if he had some music DVD we could watch for a while, when he offered me up something a little different. He said he found this little gem in the 99 cent bin at Wally World and just had to get it out of morbid curiosity.

Certain Sacrifice DVD cover

Hey, here's what Madonna looked like about 10 years after this movie was made!

Just seeing her picture on the box almost made me lose my appetite, so I refused to watch it at that moment. However, I did ask for it to be added to the box containing my Christmas haul, promising you, the reader, right at that point, that I would review this cinematic masterpiece for you. Once again, your old pal Disco Dave proves that he is willing to suffer for his art.

And suffer I shall. Those of you that know me know that I hate almost anyone and anything that has ever roamed the earth. However, there are certain people that just make you despise them from the pit of your soul with every single action they do. Madonna is one of those special people for me. From her god awful attention whoring with her ‘Sex’ book long before the internet was invented, to that mole on her face that serves as a badge of honor for somehow managing to not catch AIDS from the approximately 4256 celebrities she slept with between 1982 and 2001, to her hairy faced little half breed daughter whom you just KNOW will have the phrase ‘Cum Dumpster’ tattooed on her forehead at 18 just to see of she could outdo mommy. And let’s not forget Kaballah.

Be glad this picture is not working....

Isn't she looooooooooovelyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy???? Eye caterpillars are so HOT!!!!

You know, early in my teens I was a perverted little boy just like everyone else. Sneaking looks at girly magazines, drilling holes into the wall of the girls change room at school, breaking into a neighbors house and stealing her panties….. Uh, where was I going? Oh yeah. Madonna changed all that for me. We had SexEd classes at school, where some slightly disturbed phys ed teacher described to us in detail what the various sexually transmitted diseases were and what they could do to the human body. Then along came Madonna to put a face to those enlightening discussions. Just one look at Madonna on TV, and you could practically taste the herpes in your mouth. It made me feel queasy. It is Madonna that turned me off slutty chicks forever. Any time I saw some skank in a bar sucking on a cigarette and cheap beer, with her legs spread wide open just looking for some douchebag to flash the keys to his Camaro and ride the syphilis roller coaster for the evening, my mind would flash back to Madonna and her scabby wares. I don’t know about you, but I would imagine that the ability of one woman to turn a young boy, who grew up in a house of drunken, promiscuous drug abusers, into a prude is a far greater accomplishment than being able to shove a 2 liter coke bottle up her twat without lube.

You know what the absolute scariest thing about Madonna is? It’s the fact that an entire generation of free spirited easy women that grew up idolizing this skank, who taught them that the best way to be in control of their own destinies was to offer up the cooch to anyone with a big checkbook or a fast car…. These women are all MOTHERS now!!! Passing on the great lesson that some dago chick from Noo Yawk taught them. I fear for future generations. I really do……

Anyways, I’ve spent far too much time discussing what we all were already well aware of. Madonna is a talentless skank whom the world should have not had to suffer through. As if her music wasn’t bad enough, she has tried many times unsuccessfully to prove that she has ‘natural acting ability’. Well according to the DVD cover, this would be her big acting debut, in what I was warned by my father is most likely a college film project shot with an 8mm movie camera that you could buy at Sears in the 70s for the princely sum of $399.99. Scanning the back of the cover, we are informed that this movie was shot in 1979, but not released to the masses until 1985. One quick spoiler I will let slip right now, the front cover is somewhat false advertising, as Madonna looks nothing like the picture there. Aside from the hair, keen eyed viewers will immediately notice that her prominent mole is covered for the duration of this movie, even though one of the exotic women she cavorts with has a very similar mark on her face in full view.

The movie starts with what we assume is a typical Italian immigrant family in the poorer part of New York City. The father is extremely overbearing, screaming at his wife about her shit coffee, the lack of a morning newspaper and a messy house. His son David is also shit on about what a disappointment he is. The father yells at him about raking leaves, as their house looks like shit outside while the rest of the neighborhood is kept clean by children that actually listen to their parents. David responds in typical brat fashion bitching that he already did the raking. I should point out that the caliber of acting displayed in this movie so far makes most soap operas look like a Martin Scorcese directed masterpiece. A montage of an angry David raking (or at least doing something violently with what looks like a rake handle waving in front of his face) is accompanied by the most hackneyed typical Noo Yawk dirtbag voice narrating that David would soon break out of his humble beginnings to do something of note. I’m not sure what. I was too enthralled by the raking montage to pay attention.

I’m going to make one more note at this point that pretty much applies throughout the entire movie. Rather than being a seamless creation of cinematography that flows together in an appealing and consistent manner, this movie rather seems to be a bunch of poorly shot scenes slapped together with the only continuity being that the previous scene happened at some undetermined point in time before the current one.

With that being said, the jump cut to the next scene is at some snooty upstate private college that David somehow got into. The crappy narrator informs us that although David managed to date the headmaster’s daughter, he never really fit in with this crowd of people that came from better backgrounds than him. Aside from some pointless background video of David and his girlfriend doing mundane things like reading, the most pertinent segment of this scene is David showing up to a party that appears to be taking place in the school library. David stumbles around confused asking people that don’t seem to recognize him or care who he is if they have seen his girlfriend. I think her name was Susan. David is informed by the cool kids (we know they’re cool because they’re wearing tweed suits and glasses that cover half of their faces, topped off by white guy afros) that his girlfriend is most likely in the next room taking a run at the entire varsity team, as it would certainly be classier than being seen with him. David storms off and one of the boys laments that this plan allowing inner city ethnic types into their school is a disaster. The other responds that at least the blacks still aren’t allowed, to which the first responds that this is surely just as bad. OH MY GOD!!! THAT SCHOOL IS FULL OF RACISTS!!! WHAT HORRIBLE SHOCKING IMAGERY TO BE DISPLAYING TO THE INNOCENT MOVIE VIEWER!!!!!

The scene jump cuts quickly through a couple more smaller scenes (neither of which shows us if David ever found his girlfriend at the party or not, and what she may or may not have been doing). There is a short scene with David talking to the one professor he gets along with, who is apparently being censored for what he teaches by the college. The next is his girlfriend telling him that he needs to stop acting weird and be normal. David’s response is to scream (in true Vinnie Bobbarino fashion) “I DON’T WANT TO BE NORMAL!!!!!” Good for you, dude. Stick it to the man by acting like a sissy little flake and ruining your chances of ever being successful. That’s the true path to happiness.

Jump to a scene where David is hitch-hiking his way back to the city, followed by a montage of him walking through a mall or something. It then jump cuts to a scene where he has bandages across his nose and throat and he is angrily walking through the streets of New York. This is interspersed with the first appearance of Madonna, who is dancing like a stoned retard in a fountain. David eventually makes his way to where Madonna is and flashes a gun. I should note here that the main plot outlined on the DVD cover says that Madonna is attacked and gets her ‘shocking’ revenge, so this is my first instance of wondering if the awful performance art dance number I am watching is the aforementioned attack or not. Madonna and David (now calling himself Dashiel, which is Arabic for WOP) rough-house around in the fountain with the gun back and forth in front of a large number of random onlookers. And when I say ‘random onlookers’, I don’t mean paid extras. It really looks like these college geeks went to a fountain in Central Park and shot this scene in front of whoever was there. Too bad it was the late 70s, so nobody cared that what was probably a semi realistic looking water gun was being flashed around. Maybe if this was done in the 90s, some old spinster would have called 911 and these idiots would have spent a few hours in jail for endangering the public and filming in Central Park without a permit.

The next scene (according to our narrator) is a key moment in the story, as David meets a gentleman named Raymond Hall. I had to check the cast list to be sure that Raymond is not played by Don Imus, as I could see this guy being exactly what Imus was 30 years ago. The voice is dead on. Anyways, the scene is David, who is now all dago’d up with slicked back hair, a pair of dark sunglasses and a cheap gray suit, sitting in a diner having his morning coffee. The Imus doppleganger walks in wearing a bright red cardigan and a straw hat and takes a seat beside David. They then go on to waste 10 minutes (in a movie that is barely 60 minutes long) with Raymond bitching about how New York has become a dangerous hellhole with muggings and punks running amok. Through most of the scene, David ignores Raymond, except to occasionally tell him that he doesn’t give a shit about what he has to say. After a few minutes, Raymond asks David where a guy could get laid in this end of town, as he apparently thinks David may be a pimp. The scene finally ends with Raymond bitching about his overpriced coffee, then David and him having a small argument which basically says that each other are the exact type of people they think are ruining the world today. The conversation featured here is one I’ve probably had a couple dozen times over the years (minus the solicitation for prostitution part) with random lonely old men who think that an open bar stool is an invitation to spill their whiny little problems to anyone within earshot. The only difference is that alcohol is usually involved.

Picture some gino boy and Don Imus

Aren't these just the two coolest dudes in Brooklyn?

Our next scene is a Madonna scene, and again I am not sure while watching it if this is the aforementioned ‘attack’. It starts with Madonna wearing cheap lingerie standing in a doorway, where across the room are two chicks and some guy that looks enough like David that I had thought it was him until the next scene. Anyways the guy is whining to the ladies about something when Madonna interrupts to yell at them, shouting “Stop all this jealousy and bickering”. It is at this point that I should mention that any scene involving dialogue in this movie so far is difficult to hear, since it is shot on a movie camera with a cheap microphone probably attached right to it. Every scene is filled with a lot of background noise and buzzing. I’ve seen delivery room videos with better production quality than this. Back to the film. Madonna lets out a scream, and then approaches the group on the floor. The following scene is probably the least enthusiastic ‘orgy’ I have ever witnessed, although knife play is involved. They manage to flash Madonna’s flat chest while performing some sort of interpretive dance piece which involves the three of them lightly rubbing Madonna and almost kissing her. I’ve seen more contact in a standard massage without a happy ending. The scene ends without a money shot or any clue as to why this gratuitous display was even included in the film. However, they did manage to waste another 5-6 minutes of quality film time.

It was too blurry to see anything anyways

I believe Madonna has had some enhancement surgery since then. Either that or she's 15 here.

The next scene is the standard scene you see in most love stories. David and Bruna (Madonna’s character apparently has a name) laying in a park somewhere discussing their life. Madonna ruins the mood when she informs David of this family of lovers she has (i.e. the people from the last scene). David is not too pleased about this, but Bruna informs him that she did tell them she was in love with him. She says that they were jealous and angry. She says that once upon a time they were submissive and dependent on her, but the relationship has evolved to a situation of co-dependency and she wants out of it to have a ‘normal’ life with David. This poignant scene which signifies a new direction in the life of Bruna is given a whole two minutes. This movie has it’s priorities way backwards.

The next scene is a musical number (just barely). I wish I was kidding. I should also note at this point that this movie features exactly ZERO musical content from Madonna. From the end credits, we learn that most of the music was added some time in 1984 (five years after the movie was shot) by some awful unknown new wave chick. It is horrid sounding enough to possibly have been Madonna, but alas our amateur film maker (i.e. the guy that plays David) did not have any confidence in her musical ability. Maybe the man has some taste after all. Back to the film…. The musical number, performed by David, takes place in an aqua duct somewhere. By what he sings, I can only assume the song is called Screamin Screamin Screamin Screamin Creamin Demon Lover. Since I could not possibly do this song justice, here it is on Youtube.

Uh…. Yeah…..

Moving on… The next scene is rather short. It is basically David being kicked out of his apartment building because he’s a douchebag with loud obnoxious friends. I’m not sure if it actually leads to anything. Maybe the director figured that this showed just one more piece of David’s life in turmoil. Or how the youth of the day were misunderstood by elderly Italian ladies that took them in from the cold. I don’t know. I think this little paragraph may have just been a little longer than the scene itself. It appears to end with the old woman asking for redemption for her soul, before telling David (who has ran out) that he has forgotten his laundry. Wow. Biting social commentary right there.

The next scene starts with a short musical montage of David running through the streets of New York. David walking in slow motion through the streets of New York. Followed by the music grinding to a halt as David removes his sunglasses in slow motion as he realizes he has nowhere to go. Fade to a scene (a rather advanced film technique, considering the abundance of jump cuts throughout the film) of David sleeping on a park bench. Someone picking up trash for the city accidentally grabs his jacket, jolting David awake to retrieve it, only to move on to the next bench to go back to sleep. Throughout this exchange some guy that’s too cool for school sits on the second bench David moves to apparently oblivious to everything that is going on around him.

The next scene is the big conflict scene (some 38 minutes into a 60 minute movie). David and Bruna are at the outside table of the same diner he was in earlier in the movie. They are mugging around like a high school couple accompanied by awful electronic accordion music. I guess it’s an Italian diner. Cut to inside the diner where our old friend Raymond Hall is bitching at the waitress about his chicken soup being about a half hour late. Beside him is a black guy in his 30s that apparently doesn’t have the money to pay for the soup he just had. He attempts to beg money off of Raymond, who is incredulous that this colored fellow would dare talk to him, let alone ask for money. The waitress tells the man that he does not have to pay today, as she could see that Raymond is angered at his presence. This makes him angrier and he starts bitching about how the black guy doesn’t have to pay for his food while everyone else does.

Like you've never seen a black guy beg for change before...

Raymond Hall is angry that Jimi Hendrix wants 50 cents to pay for his soup.

Somewhere around this time Bruna enters the diner to hit the washroom. Moments later Raymond heads towards the washroom. We then see Bruna fixing her make-up in the mirror when Raymond approaches the door, which has a small diamond shaped window with no glass in it. Raymond reaches through the door and grabs Bruna by the face, hushing her as he attacks. Cut to David out at his table sipping his soda through at straw (FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAG!). We then see Raymond exiting the washroom area, grabbing his hat and newspaper and leaving some money then hurrying towards the door while zipping up his fly. He turns to David as he leaves and gestures towards the back of the restaurant, telling him that “If there’s anything left over you can have it”. Raymond then leaves as David runs to the back of the restaurant, finding Bruna all beaten and disheveled. He carries her out to the main restaurant, nips showing to the world. Her face is beaten and bloodied. The waitress and various patrons attempt to help, but Bruna just wants out of there so David carries her away.

The next scene is David and Bruna walking around a dump under a bridge looking all sad and accompanied by generic 80s music you would hear in a show like Hunter or Knight Rider. They then make their way out to the water on a broken concrete structure and promise to get their revenge on the rat. Again this scene is full of background noise that you may expect at the Hudson River and you are barely able to hear the poignant words David has to say. He tells Bruna that it won’t be easy, but she has to be the one to find Raymond Hall and deliver him to David and his minions (whom I did not know he had). I honestly can’t hear what they are saying, but I think Bruna says that she will enjoy herself.

Picture two homeless kids looking for abandoned children

I always make sure to take my dates down to the old trash pile. AKA my back yard.

The next scene David is dressed up in a buttoned up petticoat wandering through the streets of New York looking for Raymond. Although he is wandering in and out of peep shows, the sound accompanying his desperate search is the sound of someone playing Pacman or some other god awful 80s video game. He runs out of one and to a pay phone to tell Bruna that he has found out where Raymond is.

Cut to Bruna and her cronies jacking a limousine from some poor dude on the side of the street and speeding off to 42nd street. Raymond is spotted wandering around in front of the same smut houses David just wandered around, so the two other women from ‘The Family’ go out and try to woo Raymond into a state of lowered guard. The man then comes out and with the help of the women grab Raymond and feed him into the limousine.

Cut to the inside of some dirty brick building and Raymond is tied up. One of Bruna’s bimbos is there playing solitare, and David enters in to tell the captive Raymond that he is gonna get what is coming to him. Cut again to David and Bruna dancing in an alley. David then jumps up on to some rocks and yells something over to Bruna, who responds. They have done such a poor job filming this, I actually have no idea what they are saying to each other. All I can hear is rushing water or traffic or something. They then get closer and David asks Bruna if she sees the fire. She says yes, so he says it is time. Raymond Hall’s time has come.

The next scene is another pseudo-musical number. Again I can not do it justice, so here it is on youtube. Even a child with basic lip reading skills will notice that whatever they are saying in the video does not even come close to matching what the song says. For the sake of whatever, I will assume this song is called Raymond Hall Must Die. Depeche Mode definitely took some cues from this masterpiece.

Yep, that’s right. You have just watched an interpretive dance version of a blood orgy. And it only took up six minutes of valuable screen time. I’m pretty sure I recognize the dyke playing drums, but I can’t place it.

The movie ends with a touching love scene where David smears Bruna with blood followed by candid shots of them frolicking on the streets of New York.

The only explanation for how bad this movie was is that it had to be a college film studies project. One can only hope that the film maker (the guy who played David) got a flunking grade. In a perfect world, Madonna would most likely be embarrassed by this and want it hidden forever, but in all reality her acting never improved from this point so she really has nothing more to be ashamed of. Plus she has proven about a million times that she has no shame whatsoever, so she can file this somewhere on the shelf between Ray of Light and Body of Evidence.

Disco Dave – Would rather watch Faggot of the Opera than another Madonna movie

This entry was posted in Features, Movies, Pop Culture. Bookmark the permalink.

About Disco Dave

I'm a fat fucking bastard! You will bow down to my awesomeness!

Comments are closed.