UFC 122 – At Least Two People Give A Fuck?

So it’s Friday night, you’ve jacked off SO MUCH that nothing is coming out of your penis anymore. Something WANTS to come out, but the tank is empty. It’s like it’s shooting air out. Droppin loads of air pretty much. So now you’re SUPER BORED. WELL FEAR NOT, SPIKE HAS GOT YOUR BACK KID!! UFC 122 coming LIVE! (Via tape delay) from Germany, home of bomb ass meat filled links. And as always your boys got your back as well , Cruelty and I are here to drop MASSIVE MMA KNOWLEDGE on your fucking SPINE SON!! You know the drill, I’m OH YOU FANCY NOW Italics, Cruelty is not. Let’s go!

Pascal Krauss over Mark Scanlon – Round 3 JD
Krauss was a boxer first, and eventually got around to cross-training in the US. I know that from an interview I heard, but I can barely find footage so this pick is not really coming from a place of knowledge. Insomuch as you think I have knowledge… this time it’s much less. Both guys want to stand, and I pick Krauss to use his boxing to outpoint the Brit.

Pascal Krauss over Mark Scanlon – Sub Rd 1
I wish with all my infinite MMA knowledge that I could tell you something about either of these two, but I cant. I really cant with a handful of fighters on this card for some reason. Shit I could talk more about the guys that fought in the WEC then I could these cats. Both are gonna have the jitters, so let’s not factor that in too much. Krauss has a great deal of wins by sub, but so does Scanlon. I’ll take the German, because those guys can be mean. (Hitler, duh)

Kris McCray over Carlos Eduardo Rocha – Round 1 Submission
This guys both have a bunch of submission finishes, and I thought McCray looked decent, so wtf I’ll pick him. I may have seen him fight in Virginia awhile ago but I don’t remember. Whatever.

Carlos Rocha over Kris McKay – Sub Rd 1
Hey I know McKay! He’s the kid that gassed a bunch of times on TUF! I’m back baby! Rocha has a very impressive one night tourney crown under his belt where he tapped 2 of the three guys and KO’d the last guy, all in the first round. So he’s gotta be tough. Rocha overwhelms McKay with superior BJJ.

Nick Osipczak over Duane Ludwig – Round 1 Submission
Bang Ludwig never learned how to defend submissions. I still don’t understand how Genki Sudo didn’t sub him like 7 years ago. People back in the day actually thought he could beat BJ Penn. Not smart people, but they were out there. Anyway, age hasn’t made him better. He’s a bit bigger but he’s slower. He trains with the Grudge guys which is a decent gym but I think some people just don’t have it in them to learn to defend submissions. Osipczak is a decent submission fighter who gets a favorable matchup here.

Nick Osipczak over Bang Ludwig – TKO Rd 2
I feel like the last few times I’ve said anything about Bang it’s been “Man he WAS great but..” and I’m doing it AGAIN. I think Nick’s stand up is a tad more dangerous than Bang’s, and Bang isn’t going to take this to the mat. Nick will catch Bang with a kick later in the 2nd. Somewhere, Bas sheds a tear. Then does the BAS JUMPING SPLITS CAUSE HE’S STILL A BADASS.

Seth Petrucelli over Karlos Vemola – Round 1 Submission (Americana)
The UK MMA scene is a bit embarrassing. I was just looking for a Vemola fight or two, and came across a very lame HL video that included a clip that rivaled the famous Baroni jorts video. Vemola was wearing combat boots, biker shorts, and no shirt and he was pounding a crappy euro car with a sledge hammer. It would have only been a teenie bit more gay if he was actually pounding a man’s ass. Actually in that case, I could tell myself that he was a drug addict banging guys for money and might not be gay. He choose to wear that shorts boots combination. To look tough. So anyway he’s going to run at Petrucelli and throw hands wildly. Petrucelli, who is actually a mixed-martial artist more or less, and he will get a take down and use … y’know… techniques and whatnot to win.

Seth Petruzelli over Karlos Vemola – TKO Rd 1
The FIRST Kimbo Killa is back! Petruzelli looked really impressive in the first round of his last fight, and then just gassed the fuck out and lost badly. Here’s a fight where he gets back into the win column in a nice fashion.

Kyle Noke over Rob Kimmons – Round 2 TKO
Noke is a decent fighter and a nice enough guy. Kimmons is a vaguely submission-talented fighter who has lingered in the UFC like some weird odor. Noke will put some gnp on Kimmons and eventually stop it.

Kyle Noke over Rob Kimmons – JD
Noke was another one of these semi impressive kids from TUF. Maybe editing makes these kids look better then a lot of them really are? Kimmons has a few UFC wins, but doesn’t do well versus top comp. Not saying Noke is, but he will be the better man tonight.

Vladdy Matyushenko over Cacareco Ferreira – Round 3 TKO
Cacareco has great top-position bjj, but Vladdy will not let him get on top. Vladdy, btw, looks like he should be wearing flannel and hanging drywall. This is a pro athelete? He’s also crazy pale. It’s just worse here cuz he’s fighting a brown guy. Even on a card full of euros he’ll look pale next to Cacareco who looks like the dude in that anal porn you were just watching. Vladdy will be more technical on the feet, and he’ll end up on top after some stuffed shots from the Brazilian.

Alexandre Ferreira over Vladimir Matyushenko – Sub Rd 1
The funny thing about Ferreira is about 90 % of his fights have ended in subs. And he aint always on the winning side of those. Vladimir is really old, and much like Yvel, I have no idea why he’s still fighting in the UFC. The merger will help get rid of fights like this.

Andre Winner over Dennis Siver – Round 3 Split Decision
Siver is fun because he brings some real quality Euro-style kickboxing, but he’s not quite well-rounded enough to be a top-level guy. Siver will be the better striker, and Winner is a decent one, but the problems will come in the clinch and on the ground where Winner will have a real advantage. Winner doesn’t have great takedowns or anything, so this will be a back-and-forth fight but Winner will win a narrow decision.

Andre Winner over Dennis Siver – JD
The smart thing Dana did was said “Fuck it these Germans want to see fights so here ya go.” This is going to be two guys trading blows for 15 minutes. No ground game here, because neither man has any. Winner is going to want to box and use foot work, Siver is going to time Winner for the SPINNING BODY KICK OF DOOM!!11 I say Winner avoids it and out boxes Siver for the JD.

Amir Sadollah over Peter Sobotta – Round 3 JD
If Sobotta was the similarly-named corrupt labor union guy from season 2 of The Wire, this fight would be totally unfair but awesome. So fuck, Sadollah is working on his 6th pro fight here? Well Sobotta doesn’t totally suck but he’s nothing special. Sadollah should be rusty as hell but he can find a way to win this one with his kickboxing.

Amir Sandollah over Peter Sobatta – JD
Sobatta has lost both of his UFC fights by JD’s, why is he here now? Oh yeah because he’s from Germany. Cute. Sandollah has great stand up, Peter will stand with him and eat kicks all night.

Goran Reljic over Krzysztof Soszynski – Round 3 TKO
Two scary-looking bald guys clash in a LHW fight to see who is slightly better than average in the LHW division! I really like what I see from Goran standing, but Krzysztof is the better grappler. Polish Krzys doesn’t have great takedowns, to make it worse he has some cardio problems. Or maybe it just looks like he has cardio probs because he wastes so much energy trying for awkward takedowns. Regardless, Goran will pepper him for two rounds before pouring it on a tired Polack and getting the finish late.

Krzysztof Soszynski over Goran Reljic – JD
I’m not saying that these last 3 fights will be boring because they are JD’s, I’m just not sure if either guy will put the other away. Reljic and Krzysztof are both coming off losses, both can slug, but KS is very well versed on the ground and should be able to control the fight there.

Jorge Rivera over Alessio Sakara – Round 3 JD
I visited both Puerto Rico and Rome this past summer to research the homeland of these two fighters. What I learned is that PR is a mediocre island where everything is overpriced for something that mostly resembles some of the less interesting cities of southern California. Lots of girls there with fake tits if you’re a fan of that look. Rome, on the other hand, complete impressed me. I would seriously live there if somehow my career could take me that direction and I could afford a place with a/c. Because of his inferior homeland, Jorge is gonna be fighting angry here. Sakara has a win streak of sorts but he hasn’t exactly been a busy fighter. Is he coming off injuries or something? Rivera has been talking shit online, if you care to look that up, and he’s been fighting the same way for years. Honestly, this fight should have happened in like 2008. Instead it’ll spice up this lame card a little bit. Rivera is more well-rounded than Sakara who has been training with ATT but I’ll believe he has bjj when I see it. Cardio will be important in this fight, because both guys will throw punches in volume until they don’t have the energy to do it anymore. The last guy swinging will win, and Jorge wants it more.

Jorge Rivera over Alessio Sakara – TKO Rd 1
I’m torn on Rivera so high up on the card. Glad he’s here because dude deserves it with all the shit he’s been through the last year or so, but CO MAIN EVENT? Sakara is on a bit of a winning streak, but has trouble with guys with heavy hands that can combo punch well. That happens to be Rivera’s best attribute. If Sakara can get the fight to the mat it could be trouble for Rivera but I don’t see it happening.

Yushin Okami over Nate Marquardt – Round 3 Decision
I never pick Nate. I don’t think he’s a bad fighter, I just feel like he relies to much on his strength and the claymation version of David v Goliath convinced me that smaller strangely colored clay-people will be big white clay people like Nate. Yushin is a big 185er like Nate, and he’s a better wrestler. Okami has a nice jab and quick takedowns that he follows with boring gnp. Nate will have a punchers chance but Okami will have the claymation sling called superior top-control.

Yushin Okami over Nate Marquardt – JD
Man at the end of the night there are going to be some pissed off Germans with all these JD’s. GERMANS WANT BLOOD. NOT JUST JEW BLOOD. ANY BLOOD. Okami is going to use the blanket technique with Marquardt, if they get stood up he’s going to take Marquardt down again, and again, and again. Wash, rinse, repeat, JD. MAYBE Marquardt can put together some crazy combination that rocks the shit outta Okami and he can get a TKO stoppage? I doubt it. Okami is very slick, and much stronger than Nate. Sorry Nate, Belfort would have been a better match up for the fans and for you. Honestly the only real exciting fight tonight will cost you $65 bucks, when Margarito KO’s Pac Man late in the fight BOOM UPSET SPECIAL SWITCH IT UP ON YA.

There you have it. Enjoy the free night of fights, and be on the lookout NEXT WEEK for Rampage versus Machida picks that will tickle your fancy, and your asshole as well.

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