Word up gangsta’s and strippers, ya boys have stumbled home and are ready to talk shit. Tonight we’ve got a solid night of fights with a fun card from top to bottom. If you hate mexicans tonight should be fun. You’ve got three to root against. We’ve also got everybody’s favorite guy with a tattoo of a wang on his chest, Cock Chestnar ERRRR Brock Lesnar. He’s taking on a fellow tattoo chested individual in Cain Velasquez. What will happen WHEN TATTOOS COLLIDE? And more importantly, WHAT THE FUCK DO WE THINK WILL HAPPEN? Only one way to find out. You know the routine, I rock Italics, Cruelty rocks a WHITE PRIDE tattoo. Let’s go!

Chris Camozzi over Dong Yi Yang – Round 3 JD

Camozzi was probably brought in to lose to that Hammertree guy from TUF but he went and won. Hm, well shit happens huh? Yang is stocky and slow. Other than being generically strong, I can’t see what he does well. Camozzi has more dynamic wrestling, more fluid striking, and more brightly colored tattoos so he’ll win this one convincingly. This one will not be worth you pirating time on Sunday.


Chris Camozzi over Dong Yang – JD

Way to bring the TUF curtain jerkers Dana! I actually liked Camozzi so I wont hate. Dong is another Korean with a solid record and one decent win versus a Pride vet, but I’ve started to question all competition overseas recently. Camozzi will use wrestling to take the JD.


Gilbert Yvel over Jon Madsen – Round 3 JD

Oh yeah Gilbert Yvel fights for the UFC now. He successfully fought twice without hitting refs or eye-gauging, so I’m gonna give him some credit for growing as a MMA competitor. To reward him for his non-awful behavior, he gets to fight a loser from TUF. Madsen has been stealing UFC paychecks fighting bums, but that’s over now. Yvel is somewhat better than a bum, and thus somewhat better than Madsen.


Gilbert Yvel over Jon Madsen – TKO Rd 1

Why am I picking a guy that’s looked like shit in his UFC fights and has lost 3 of the last 4? PRIDE FC OLD SKOOL THAT’S WHY!! Seriously, Madsen doesn’t do well versus strikers and Yvel has a solid 5 minutes worth of deadly strikes. Man I was a BEAST with Yvel on that Pride FC PS 2 game.


Sam Stout over Paul Taylor – Round 3 JD

These guys are gonna dance and kickbox. Not since the Chris Lytle loss has Taylor been able to keep a fight standing long enough to lose a decision by strikes so this will be exciting for him!


Paul Taylor over Sam Stout – JD

Striking battle. Taylor punches hard. Stout mixes kicks and punches well. I give the advantage in power to Taylor, who also punches well to the body. If it goes to the mat Taylor also has sneaky sub skill. I’ll lean Taylor’s way.


Michael Guymon over Daniel Roberts – Round 3 JD

Roberts is a black guy who goes by Ninja. That’s stupid. Guymon is more well-rounded, and I predict he’ll take Roberts down and struggle to get into a dominant position. This process will probably be boring. Woo! Ok I hope I was wrong about the Yvel fight and there’s a KO, because otherwise the crowd might be asleep before a porn star’s husband tries to beat up the deaf guy.


Daniel Roberts over Michael Guymon – Sub Rd 1

Guymon is more famous for attempting suicide then he is for fighting. Roberts trains with the Diaz Bros. You know which way I’m leaning. Roberts does a good job of trapping guys and beating them up with G & P so I expect some of that.


Patrick Cote over Tom Lawlor – Round 3 JD

Patrick Cote has really had an interesting ride in the UFC. He’s been up and down, and now he’s on the verge of getting sent back to crappy little Canadian promotions. Tom Lawlor never really got it going after a good start against some fellow TUF rejects. Lawlor tends to get himself into brawls, and Cote will be more than happy to oblige him. Cote is tough to finish, and a little cleaner with his striking so I’ll give him the edge. Sadly I still can’t predict a finish.


Tom Lawlor over Patrick Cote – Sub Rd 2

You gotta love Lawlor. He’s a pro wrestler gimmicky guy, and I love it. He’s had back to back losses but I thought he got robbed of a JD in one of those fights. Cote will want to trade with him, and Lawlor may engage with him, so this could get spicy quick. I think Cote gets caught in a choke later in the fight. Glad this is making the Spike pre PPV show. Hopefully they show Lawlor’s walk out, which is usually goofy.


Court McGee over Ryan Jensen – Rd 1 TKO

Neither of this guys will ever be anything in the UFC but they’re both capable of hanging around for awhile. Court is like Scott Ian got ape-arms sewn on by a crazed Dutch doctor in a direct to DVD movie that gets undeserved hype from the internet horror fans. Seriously can we stop with the Eurotrash torture horror? It makes me miss when all the J-Horror ghost stories were getting overhyped. Fuck. Anyway, Court will brawl and Jensen will look to play jiu-jitsu. If Jensen gets it to the ground, Court will be able to defend submissions and land some punches.


Court McGee over Ryan Jensen – TKO – Rd 2

This fight should be interesting. They usually give the TUF winners easier fights from the jump off. Jensen is a solid fighter. McGee did a great job on the show of mixing strikes with sub attempts, I see Jensen getting rocked and being finished with either punches or a choke.


Gabe Gonzaga over Brendan Schaub – Round 1 TKO

I thought they might be bringing Schaub along, but apparently not. Gonzaga has been a UFC HW division mainstay for 5 years now, and he has more ways he can win in this fight. It makes him an easy pick. Schaub is a good athlete but has nothing really special about his MMA that makes him worth of being in the best promotion in the world.


Gabriel Gonzaga over Brendan Schaub – Sub Rd 1

Here’s my UPSET SPECIAL folks. Let’s keep it real, Gonzaga is being brought in to be a punching bag. But he has great sub skills that he never gets to show them because he’s always getting into stand up fights that don’t end well for him sometimes. I see Schaub getting tagged early then going for a take down, and Gonzaga finding a sub and pulling it out. Schaub is a beast, and will get better with more fights under his belt, but a little shaky in the chin department and not as well versed in subs as Gonzaga.


Matt Hamill over Tito Ortiz – Round 3 JD

Punching the annoying deaf kid will probably give Ortiz fond memories of Junior High in Huntington Beach. On a completely different note, one of my female friend thinks Hamill is hot. I’m not saying on the authority on judging male sex-appeal, but that one surprised me a bit. Anyway, I feel like Hamill’s power will overcome Ortiz’s relative quickness. Hamill’s boxing is deliberate but semi-effective, and his ground control is good. Hamill will catch Tito occasionally and take him down briefly, and that will be enough to convince the judges. By this point in the night, these judges might need to send someone to the nearest Kinkos for more scorecards.


Matt Hammill over Tito Ortiz – JD

Who would of thought that Ortiz would be bumped out of the co-mainer spot? Age plus lack of winning plus lack of fun fights is a mother fucker. The blue print to beat Tito is there. Wait till he shoots his load, then attack. Ortiz has always been an average striker at best, and Hammill should be able to defend Tito’s take down attempts and pepper him with punches and kicks. Tito MAY be able to show us one round of old skool Tito and look explosive for one round, but he usually peters out HARD after that, and that’s when you jump on him. I hope Matt pulls the fucking trigger and finishes Tito’s career. It’s time for him to hang ‘em up.


Diego Sanchez over Paulo Thiago – Round 3 (omg another one) JD

Once upon a time, a boy named Diego Sanchez used the combined power of lightning and Mexican facial hair to make a splash on the UFC scene. Years later, I don’t even know what weight class this guy should be fighting in. I guess WW is good idea because dieting sorta sucks? Thiago is a good fighter, but he’s also overhyped and his wrestling isn’t the greatest. If someone convinces Diego to go back to his wrestling and stop trying to be the next great Mexican boxer, he can win this one. It’s always tough as a smart person to predict how a dumb person will behave. It makes them fascinating to watch, but annoying when it comes to gambling and whatnot. Fuck, I guess I’m predicting that Diego will make good decisions?


Paulo Thiago over Diego Sanchez – TKO Rd 1

Both of these cats are in a weird spot. Thiago got a lot of run early in his UFC career for KO’ing Kos, but he evened out and got pushed to the back of the pack after some losses where he was out wrestled. He needs a big win to get back in that mix. Sanchez is coming off a huge loss, and if he loses this fight he may be done with the UFC. I don’t get why he is fighting at 170 where he is going to get out powered by bigger guys that hit harder. Thiago will do just that. Hurt Diego standing, then stuff take downs and knock Diego out. Diego can always fall back on being a MMA fighter turned motivational speaker? By the way, are we still calling Diego’s girlfriend FAAAATTTT?


Jake Shields over Martin Kampmann – Round 3 JD

Hey this is a card with too many decisions. You know what we need? A blast of excitement like Jake Shields! If you haven’t seen him fight in other promotions, lemme get you ready: imagine you go skydiving and your chute fails. The moment you think you’re going to slam into the ground and die, a superfast jet fighter streaks by and you land in the cockpit. You proceed to have a sweet dogfight against an invading alien while doing a rail of crystal off your instrument panel. You’re distracted by how 1990s crystal really is, and you get hit. You’re about to die again, but eject and land in a pile of oily lesbians having an orgy. It’s just like the exact polar opposite of that when you watch Jake Shields fight. Jake Shields is like a Jon Fitch without the charisma and mic skills. He’s a damn good fighter but, um, not gonna please the casual fans. Martin Kampmann is a little more interesting, but also not as good. Kampmann will try to attack a bit from the bottom, and he’s a better kickboxer so he’ll have a chance to look good for 30 seconds or so before the blanket attack each round. Jake will do a good job of passing guard but still can’t finish. The obvious question: Is he good enough to do a Chael Sonnen to ASilva for 4 rounds, because he’s not nearly as vulnerable to subs. That is an intriguing fight if Jake can get past Martin here.


Jake Shields over Martin Kampmann – JD

DO NOT sleep on Kampmann this fight. I’m very tempted to pick him in this spot. His ground game has improved SO MUCH, he is one of the guys that gets it as far as working in the gym. He knows he has great stand up, so has been working on his ground game with Randy Natty and his guys. He no longer is a guy just trying to defend take downs, he is willing to hit the mat and out work guys now. There is a reason Dana ACTED A FOOL when spotted with Shields and made a solid effort to snag him from Strike Force. It’s because he’s really fucking good, and probably the best match up on paper to fight GSP after the Kos fight. With Shields do we factor in UFC Jitters? Dude has fought on CBS a few times and on Shotime for a few years now, I don’t think so, but you never know. Will Kampmann look at the fight with Henderson and try and jump on Shields early with punches? I think Shields uses his great grappling and AJJ to win 2 of the 3 rounds and earn a JD. Net nerds will run to Sherdog and post 30 “OMG JAKE SHEILDS IS BORING YAWWNN” threads. I will laugh at all of them. The End.


Brock Lesnar over Cain Velasquez – Round 2 KO

Speed vs Power from two guys with great wrestling ability, and great athleticism for HWs. Cain is a rising star, and I understand that he’s one of the few guys in this weightclass who can wrestle with Brock but he’s just too hitable. I’ve been concerned about that each time he faces a big striker, and he does get hit, but he recovers and he can go to his wrestling. What happens in this fight if he gets hurt? He will not take Brock down while he’s on autopilot. I think Cain will box Brock up a bit, and if the fans are rewarded for their patience, Brock will intiate the wrestling and we can have a back-and-forth fight. If Brock decides to stand his ground and wait to land his shot, he’ll eventually land one and it’ll be downhill from there.


Brock Lesnar over Cain Velasquez – TKO Rd 2

For those scoring at home, this is the first fight I’ve picked Brock to win in his last 5 fights. I’m assuming me picking him means he gets crushed in one round. I love Cain, and think he CAN win this fight if he uses his two best tools, his speed and his superior boxing, but I’m no longer drinking the Brock Haterade. In a way he sort of makes me think of Sapp Time! and how great he could have been if he took fighting as seriously as Brock does. Brock has almost all the tools to be a perfect fighter. He has the mental focus, the wrestling background, the proper training, the INSANE power, and has now shown us he can take an ass whooping and recover and then FINISH.

The only thing I can say is the kink in his armor is his chin. He doesn’t like to be hit, at all, and hasn’t learned how to roll with punches or even how to react to them as far as foot work goes. He was never hit flush by Carwin and still reacted horribly. If he turtles up versus someone like Cain he will be finished. Cain wont gas in one round. If Cain puts together 2 or 3 punch combos early before Brock tries to shoot in Brock could be in trouble. But I think Brock uses his weight advantage (Which is all in muscle, not fat like most guys) to get Cain on his back, propped up on that cage and rains down punches from all angles. Cain will be overwhelmed and eventually the fight will be stopped. A Lesnar – JDS fight will be fun, and probably next.

That’s how it is. Enjoy the fights, and make fun of how horrible our picks backfire in the forum.

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