Tommy and Gonz Review: Red

Welcome back movie fans! We warned you that we’d be back and here we are true to our word! What you will find inside is some of the most insightful thoughts about Helen Mirren’s rack and Mary Louise Parker’s… ummm… man. We really do talk about boobs a LOT around here. In case you haven’t seen the movie yet (or have no idea what we’re talking about), here’s the trailer to get you warmed up.

After you’re done, head over to the Leper Colony forums and tell us what you think! (Gonz has the red font; I am the standard color text)

I went into Red not knowing what to expect. I knew that it was adapted from a DC/Wildstorm comic and that it was about old people doin’ stuff but I have no kind of preconceived notions the way I usually do when it comes to comic book adaptations.

Apparently the comic book is a lot darker than the film turned out to be. Or so I have been told.

I was told the same thing.

And you should know. It’s your job to read them, basically. The best job of all time, arguably.

I do have one of the best jobs ever. There isn’t really any comedy in the comic. Plus the blood and guts are quite a bit elevated in the comics. They really toned it down for the movie.

Yeah, though I really didn’t mind that the gore was toned down. For a PG-13 action flick, it was pretty explosion-y. I enjoyed the grenade launcher scene at the airport docks. Humans+M79 grenade launchers=terrible end result.

There was a lot I liked about this flick. The two things I liked best were also the two things you liked best I believe.

Mary Louise Parker’s cleavage?

Yes sir! I’ve been a fan since she did Angels in America for HBO.

I’ve enjoyed her on The West Wing and Weeds throughout the years, so it was nice to see her in a Hollywood blockbuster.

Not only is she smokin’ hot but she’s a fantastic actress.

And oddly enough, Helen Mirren was attractive as hell in this movie, too. Which is….bizarre for me to even entertain. I think it’s the British accent. She’s a classy dame, Tommy.

She is a classy dame.

Literally. DAME Helen Mirren.

I’d totally hit that.

One thing I thought took away from some of the realism, however, was the fact that Bruce Willis and his ragtag bunch of ex-spooks seemed to teleport from state to state without any time passing by. It’s the same syndrome 24 used to suffer from. Jack Bauer getting from one side of LA to the other in 12 minutes.

You know, I didn’t even notice. I rarely notice things like that thought.

That’s because your cinematic aspergers isn’t as enhanced as mine. Keep in mind I see something in the neighborhood of 100 films a year.

I see the same film 100 times a year. That Paul Blart cracks me up!

And it’s always “He-Man and the Masters of the Universe”, right? Ohh, Paul Blart.

Fat guys doin’ stuff! That’s the movie for me.

Kevin James is the white Eddie Murphy, I tells ya.

I agree, he looks like a dude who would be into tranny hookers.

Poor Eddie Murphy saw the ghost of his career in “The Haunted Mansion”, unfortunately. Speaking of comedic actors, John Malkovich is basically the blue man to Willis’ straight man in this film.

Malkovich plays crazy better than anyone.

Insane-O Malkovich is always the best Malkovich. He looked like he really had a lot of fun making this and being in it.

I loved the way he would go from absolutely insane and manic to looking like a lost puppy.

Nobody else would keep large caliber Smith & Wesson revolvers hidden inside of a stuffed pig.

The way he kept holding onto that pig was some of the funniest stuff in the movie.

During the scene inside of Richard Dreyfuss’ character’s house, notice that Freeman and Willis are wearing their disguses, and Malkovich is wearing a transparent plastic rain slicker, like he’s about to blow someone up?

I want to talk about the scene stealer for a minute.

Karl Urban ruled that movie every time he was on camera.

Karl Urban is quickly becoming one of my favorite actors. He’s got the American accent down pat for an Australian, too. I was thrilled when he got the role in the new Judge Dredd movie.

I loved him in Star Trek but I wasn’t sure if that was acting or a DeForest Kelley impression.

Probably a little bit of both. I wouldn’t say it was an impression so much as it was an homage.

I can agree with that assesment.

Judge Dredd should be fantastic. They are looking at a hard R for it.

Hard R Judge Dredd is what the world is waiting for. None of that bullshit Diane Lane hanging out with Rob Schneider nonsense.

I have faith that Urban can pull it off.

I want Rob Schneider to be in it. I want to see Dredd blow a hole through his face.

“GUILTY!”

On the topic of supporting actors in Red, fuckin’ DOCTOR DOOM was the Vice President! I did not expect that.

And he cried like a BITCH! It was hilarious.

Like a total bitch. With a skinned knee. “Whaaaaaaa, you gonna kill me? Whaaaaa!”

I was waiting for Richard Dreyfuss to offer him a juice box.

So many guest stars I didn’t expect in this flick.

Brian Cox as the ex-KGB agent who worked at the Russian consulate killed me.

Brian Cox is good in everything, Tommy.

I kept expecting him to yell for Rod Farva and something about “shenanigans”.

His best role remains Hannibal Lecter in the original Red Dragon film, Manhunter.

I never saw that. I had no idea he was in it.

I highly suggest it. It’s got Gil Grissom (William Petersen) from CSI as Ed Norton’s character.

I will check it out when I get a chance. Other than the 24 time displacement effect, did you have any other issues with the flick?

Morgan Freeman’s fate. That was a little cheap.

I don’t think it was cheap so much as inevitable. They set it up early that he wanted to go out like that, so they gave him an easy out.

I thought the gag would be “he wears a bullet proof vest and escapes death yet again”. But nope. Boba Fett death.

I saw it coming a mile off but I don’t know that I was disappointed by it. The man was dying of cancer.

True, but you’d think his end would’ve been more spectacular. Not “shot by a sniper from 100 yards away”.

He was a big time CIA spook killing machine and he was going to die shitting himself in his bed. I’ll take “shot by a sniper” over “sitting in my shit” any day.

It’s a small issue, though. Didn’t ruin things one way or another.

This is a tough movie to review because I can’t really think of anything that bothered me about it. I really enjoyed it start to finish

It was very well-rounded and well paced. Not a lot of boring transition scenes. Plus, it had ERNEST FUCKING BORGNINE! In what I can only remember is his first wide release Hollywood film since Escape from New York.

I think he may have died a few years ago but he forgot. I’m pretty sure that was the zombified corpse of Ernest Borgnine.

He looked great for someone who was 93 years old.

I take that back about EFNY, he was the owner of the Milwaukee Beers in “BASEketball”. And chances are that a CIA hard copy files vault actually exists…..and it’s being manned by Ernest Borgnine.

I would imagine so. The only other person who has access is Jesse Ventura.

That’s where the government keeps their thermite paint. And their Israeli holograms.

Israel is a hologram?

Always has been. At least that’s what Alex Jones has said. And that guy is NEVER wrong.
He’s an upstanding, mentally sane individual.

You know there’s a war on…FOR YOUR MIND!

I really do hope this movie does well. Keep in mind that there’s currently a jumblefuck at the movies, with Paranormal Activity 2, Hereafter, Red, Saw 46 in 4D and Jackass. And Harry Potter in several weeks.

Red made roughly twice as much as I expected and I think good word of mouth will help it have legs. Its a great action flick with very little blood and a lot of humor.

Basically. I mean, it’s Bruce Willis shooting the most bullets since Die Hard, and Morgan Freeman pretending to be African dictators. And John Malkovich living in a nuke bunker.

Its a decent date movie, not just a guy flick.

Yeah, women can enjoy this. It’s not necessarily a guy flick like you said. Mary Louise Parker has some GREAT lines.

I went with a 22 year old and she laughed through the whole thing. I imagine that would be pretty universal.

Tommy that’s only because you tried to pull the “hole in the bottom of the popcorn box” gag.

No way man, popcorn is like $83, there’s no WAY I’m wasting any of it.

Popcorn has become unusually expensive as of late. It’s like going to a Chinese restaurant and being charged 23 bucks for a side of rice when there are literally trillions of rice patties on Earth.

Yeah, I think it’ll be my last popcorn at the movies until I hit the lotto.

I usually just sneak in gummy bears like some sort of NARC.

I think that might be a symptom of a larger problem though.

The hell with paying 6 dollars for something when they’re 2 for 1 at any drug store.

The entertainment industries are the first ones to suffer when the economy goes in the shitter and we’re still dealing with some of the fallout from last year.

That explains why Yogi Bear 3D is slated for December. Hollywood is on suicide watch. All will be well when Arnold is relieved of his gubernatorial duties next January and goes back to doing what he does best….Making 1 good movie in between 5 awful family comedies.

They are relying on marketing and film the same way they have been for almost a hundred years. They need to start looking at straight to DVD as a viable option for first run movies.

I’ve heard rumors that studios are going to be allowing, very soon, Netflix-ing of new movies at 30 dollars a pop.

I think there is an argument to be made for releasing the DVD the Tuesday after a movie opens.

That is the future, basically.

I’ve been saying that for YEARS.

It would certainly put somewhat of a kabosh on film pirating since the demand for it would dry up.

Honestly, I don’t think anything will stop pirating.

Except guns.

People don’t want to pay full price for stuff.

Guns stop pirates.

That’s the American way.

Arrrrr! Somewhere, a Nigerian prince is reading this review and furrows his brow. Nigerians won’t bother me anymore. Not since I gave them all my money.

Is he FINALLY going to send me that 5 million he owes me?

Tommy, I doubt Prince N!bwakm’a Q*Bert Jitum’em’ will ever pay you that money.

I disagree. He sounded so sincere in his email.

E-Mail is a Majestic 12 lie, Tommy. Ventura told me so.

He was a Navy SEAL, he knows most things.

I’ll ask my son Logan to talk to the Burger King and find out the truth!

In closing, Red is definitely worth a matinee. Probably the most award-heavy ensemble cast for an action comedy in a while. I think something like 13 or 14 Oscar nominations, and 4 wins?

I would go so far as to say it’s worth full price.

I dunno if i’d pay 13-14 dollars for it. 8 or 9 definitely, though. I’m saving my pennies for Tron: Legacy and Fiddler on the Roof: 3D.

If you don’t live in some desert third world country like Arizona its only $10. And we like our Mexicans.

Ha, yes. We have much sand here. And Mexicans. And matinees are 7 bucks, full price is 10.50. 3D is 13.00.

I have yet to pay for a 3D movie.

Honestly, the last two I went to see, I just paid for 2D and snuck my 3D glasses in. Recycle them, my ass. That said, I hope by some bizarre circumstance that Bruce Willis doesn’t read this and snap my neck.

I’m more afraid of Helen Mirren.

Her bosoms will crush you.

I bet she could whoop yo ass.

I wouldn’t mind.

12 year old Black Girl Tommy, everyone. 12 year old Black Girl Tommy. Give the man a round of applause….

Thanks for reading. Gonz and I will be back to review Hermionie and the Mystical Gang Bang next month!