2am Review: Head of the Family

It’s time for me to once again deep into the wretched depths of my old VHS horror movie collection and pull out a movie that you just can’t help but wonder at how awesome it is.  There’s really no other word to describe this movie, only in shades of awesomeness could it ever be done.  I’m sure you’re just thinking that I’m laying it on thick here to get you to read this article, but once you see the goddamn box cover you will know what I’m talking about.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well, the tape starts off with a nice compilation of all of Full Moon’s movies, celebrating ten years of madness. Of course, this tape was released around ’96 so its more like 15-16 years now? Are they even around now?

Next commercial showcases the Puppet Master figures. Don’t look too bad, I would’ve liked to have picked some of them up, since I’m a big fan of the series.

Another toy commercial, this time for Blood Dolls, another Puppet Master rip off (which was a DOLLS rip off anyway). Ha, the pimp doll looks cool.

A commercial for shopping online at fullmoonpictures.com. The site doesn’t exist anymore, so don’t bother. It was barely updated when it was up anyway. They REALLY pushed the shit out of the website too, you’d think they would’ve done more with it.

Finally, the flick starts! Well, I doubt there’s anyone in the credits anyone would recognize, except for maybe Jacqueline Lovell. She was some softcore or hardcore porn star. I’m sure some of you know who it is. She went under the name Sara St. James. The music is incredibly strange and yet really fruity too. So far it’s just a house that’s on screen. Bleh.

Ah, finally, we got some people coming out of the house. A really tall guy with sunglasses, a really hot chick with big boobs and a really big. . .guy. Must be some family resemblence somewhere, but I just can’t seem to figure it out yet.

Cut to a diner, where some big hairy guy named Howard threatens some dude who owes him money, and goes back to telling his wife, Loretta, how fat she is, “you’re getting all poochie around the middle.” The weird trio arrives for their groceries. Oh, they’re the Stackpooles. Howard starts hitting on the big tittied chick, Ernestina. I guess his wife doesn’t care. She goes in the back room to take a leak. The clerk, Lance Bogen, follows and FUCKING ensues. She hates Howard and Lance can’t believe she married him. The Stackpools have their groceries and leave. Well, that was a nice cameo. Howard gets antsy waiting for his wife to finish pissing so he goes out back to get her. HE’S GONNA FIND OUT!!

Maybe not. He runs into Lance (holding a box in front of his pecker), who tells him that she’s in the employee bathroom. She gets out and they go back out into the diner, with Howard none the wiser.

Later on, Loretta comes up to Lance, telling him that Howard wants to see him. PANIC TIME! No, wait, Lance has a big plan. I guess he figured this was going to happen someday, so he’s prepared.

“We’ll just play it cool.”

Oh, GREAT PLAN, LANCE! Big guy who can squeeze your nuts into orange juice wants to talk to you, possibly about your dicking his wife, and that’s all you can think of? He sits down across from Howard, who’s trying to put together a gun and doing a poor job at it. He figures buying a gun in pieces and putting it together is cheaper. Lance tries to explain that whatever Howard has heard isn’t what he thinks. Howard, dumb shit that he is, doesn’t clue in and just points out that Lance looks like she and he should get laid once in a while IRONY! Howard proposes a business deal for Lance. At this point, and I don’t think it’s ever mentioned at all, just WHAT IN THE BLUE HELL Howard does. He just says he’s been partnering up with some other local businesses, patting himself on the back about how good an entrepreneur he is. He finally gets the gun together and fires at Lance like an idiot. I’m thinking right now that if there were bullets in that gun, the movie would be over and I’d be trying to get some sleep. But the movie’s gotta get better. Lance has no clue what the hell Howard is talking about and neither do I. Howard leaves with Loretta, and the waitress decides to lay out on the table for Lance that maybe he shouldn’t be fucking around with Loretta. He says she’s like “fucking a firecracker”, so I’m assuming she’s blown his balls off already.

Skip ahead. . .TO MORE FUCKING! Now they’re in the car, badmouthing Howard again. While this is going on, that big guy from earlier on is shown pulling a huge vine-covered gate across the road with a detour sign. Some jackass with a license plate that says “HUNKA LUV” takes the detour. Howard and Loretta finished up quickly and drive down the same road. They’re scheming, and that’s never good. Lance, looking straight, narrowly stops in time from hitting the gate. He gets out and investigates what the hell is going on. He moves through he woods and finds the big guy bashing the driver’s head on his truck, knocking him out, then driving the truck off somewhere. That must the Stackpoole’s house. Lance has seen enough and takes off back to the car. When asked about what he saw, he responds, “I saw the light”.

I’m seeing the bed right now and it’s looking a hell of a lot better than this movie.

We’re now inside the house and the driver is screaming about what’s going on. A voice tells Otis (the big tough guy) to hold him down. Ernestina gases him and a mask is put over his face as a surgical saw is heard. Ooooh, I’m interested in what’s going on now. The camera pans around the basement, which looks more like a dungeon now, with a bunch of cells containing retards. I notice one of them is throwing cards and another one is trying to catch them. But they’re doing it in real slow motion. Now some chick is just saying “snow. . .snow. . .snow”. What the fuck is going on?

We’re back to the diner again. The waitress is worried about Lance, who hasn’t been around in a few days. He had some plans to put together. He notices the Stackpoole’s and runs out after them, telling them he knows what they’re doing. He starts with the blackmailing, but Otis grabs his throat. Lance manages to sweet talk his way out of a crushed larynx. He keeps going on about they’re going to have to talk to him sooner or later.

That night, while Lance is sleeping, Otis kinda just moseys on into Lance’s apartment and picks him up, with the warning “You fight, Otis hit you. You yell, Otis hit you”. Well, at least they’re easy to follow instructions, even for a dummy like Otis. He brings Lance to the house of the Stackpoole’s where he meets Wheeler (the tall guy from before), who now has HUGE HONKIN’ EYES!!

”I see no acting gigs after this is over.”

Well, we’ve met everyone else in the family except for one. Now we meet the head of the family, Myron Stackpoole!

Look on in AWE of this thing of beauty!

Look at that! It’s a huge freakin’ head with little arms and legs sprouting from it in a wheelchair! How fucking terrific is that? That is genius! HEAD OF THE FAMILY! Puns are wonderful, aren’t they? AND IT TALKS! Look at the size of the damn thing. Wheeler, who’s gotta be close to 7 feet tall, is barely taller than Myron. Holy fuck, can you imagine what the mother looked like AFTER giving birth to that thing? Christ, they probably had to remove her legs to get him out.

Myron explains that he, his brothers and sister are quadruplets, all born from the same egg. Though they weren’t born identical, they all have special, almost super natural peculiarities about them. Wheeler can see almost anything, hear everything and smell like hound dog. Otis has incredible strength, Ernestina has huge boobs to hypnotize men with and Myron himself. . .can you guess it? He’s the smart one! He mentions that they’re also linked telepathically, so he order them around and live through their senses. Ok, so he gets inside Ernestina’s head uses her so he knows what it’s like to fuck guys? He’s a gigantic, talking, gay head! The therapy bills must be insane.

Lance decides that the big headed one is the one he needs to talk to. He’s got problem. A big, fat hairy biker problem named Howard Oates. He lays down his plan of ultimate blackmail, telling Myron that he went to a lawyer with a letter about what he saw the other night. If he doesn’t call on time, or if he shows up dead, the lawyer is to deliver the letter to the police.

I think Myron’s getting the idea. He immediately asks Lance if he wants to know what happened to the truck driver. He tells Lance to mosey on over to an intercom and take a listen. Lots of moaning and screaming going on. So he’s got a whorehouse in the basement? Or maybe there’s just a huge group sex party going on!? Oh, right, I forgot, the retards are in the basement. They could be having sex though. Myron says he’s very interested in the relationship between the brain and the body. He’s searching for a body that would compliment his mental superiority and doesn’t want to have to live through his brethren. My advice would be to move out of Devil’s Asshole, Alabama unless you want the body of some fat broad that smells of fried chicken and dirt. Myron says he keeps the retards in the basement for future experiments and for entertainment. Now, THAT I can understand. Lance doesn’t really give a damn about what Myron’s aspirations are and tells him to make Howard disappear.

Back at the diner, Howard is eatin’ his supper and Lance and Loretta. . ARE FUCKING AGAIN! While filling one of her cavities full of meat, he lays down her plan for getting out of town so she’ll have an alibi.

While driving home, Howard runs into Ernestina who seduces him (ie: looking like an idea with her breasts doing all the work) and when he least expects it, BAM! Otis knocks his lights out. Back at the diner, Lance receives a call from the headman himself (haha, another pun) telling him the job is done.

Well, that was a short movie, with a rather dull ending. Oops, not over yet. Loretta shows up at Lance’s place that night (throwing out the rather simple plan of NOT BEING THERE) to see if the job was done. Lance chastises her, but tells her how he got it done. He tells her the second plan he has. To bleed the Stackpoole’s dry of all their money. Because a giant head and three other freaks MUST be loaded, right? Lance gives her a good boning before sending her on her way.

Back in the dungeon, Otis is feeding the mentally challenged potatoes. Lance is already back in Myron’s face, continuing the blackmail scheme. Myron is getting pissed and you don’t want him pissed, just like the box says. But Lance keeps him in check my showcasing a couple of guns he brought, just in case. He respectfully requests that he get two grand a week to keep his mouth shut. Myron reacts as though he were too poor to afford it. Or at least that was what he was trying to convey. He really just kinda sat there on the chair humming a few bars to “O Suzanna”. Lance doesn’t buy his horrible acting (tell me about it) and gets the cash and takes off. Myron sends Wheeler to follow him and get the goods on him so he can finally get some revenge.

Once again in the diner, Lance and Loretta are doing the “we know Howard is dead so we’ll play along like we don’t but act like we do know” chat. The only person who knows (or even cares) about the affair is the waitress, but even she leaves halfway through the conversation, preferring to clean toilets than wade through the bullshit. While they talk, we see Wheeler keeping tabs on them. He follows them to Lance’s place, and unfortunately, we see them engaging in AFTER THE FACT SEX. . .drinking wine, naked in bed. Color me disappointed. Myron, listening through Wheeler, promises pain. . .then sips his soup. Well, always remember to eat before torturing. Another lesson learned!

Because of budget constraints, we are once again back at the diner, where Lance offers the diner to the waitress. She fails to believe that he’ll really do it. He laughs it off and goes to make a phone call to the lawyer. Sure as sure can be, Wheeler hears what he needs: the name of the lawyer. Myron gets a chuckle out of Lance’s choice of password; the name of his mother’s dog, “Elvis P. Resley”. I think it’s pretty stupid. Who’d name their dog that?

Otis and Wheeler buy bus tickets to Raleigh to visit the lawyer. They have a tough time getting through the secretary, so Otis kills her with one punch. They meet the lawyer and Otis goes to work breaking fingers as Wheeler asks for the letter and copies of it. Otis gives him the one punch death and they go back home.

In the backroom of the diner. . .can you guess? LANCE AND LORETTA ARE FUCKING! AGAIN! They don’t seem that happy though. She wants to fuck in a bed, not in a storeroom. He makes her happy by saying he wants to be with her forever. She wants to see the ring! But he doesn’t have one. DRAMA! He says she can punch him in the chest. She decks him and she’s happy again! That shit works on 6 year olds. She’s almost 30.

Back at his apartment, ol’ Lance is on the phone when Ernestina walks in, and he says “Hello Ernestina, or should I say, Myron?” She doesn’t much, or at all for that matter, she’s just there to pay Lance the money. She gets down to business by pulling down her dress and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD THOSE ARE HUUUUUUGE! Me want. . .me want. . .ahem. Fucking of course ensues and . . . OH MY GOD! MYRON IS IN HER HEAD! Lance you dumbshit, Myron is fucking you! And you know THIS! BLEEEEECH! The pain ends when Otis appears out of nowhere and knocks Lance out.

Meanwhile, Otis appears at Loretta’s apartment (the big dumb guy gets around) and after a meeting of the minds (Otis is infatuated with Loretta and Myron had a hard time controlling him), Otis grabs her and takes her home.

In the dungeon, Lance is hung upside down as Myron explains how he got rid of the lawyer and is quite happy where he has Lance. “I’m not normally a vindictive person, but in your case, I’m going to make an exception.” Lance quickly thinks up a story about another lawyer who has a letter, and spews off the same story about the first lawyer. Myron doesn’t buy it one bit and wants to start the fun right away. But, luckily for Lance, he won’t be tortured to death alone, heavens no. Loretta is brought in as well and she meets the only head she hasn’t sucked on in town. Myron wants to start the torture right away, but Loretta’s feelin’ kinky. Her sex drive is through the goddamn roof! She lays it on thick about how much she loves smart men (ahem. . HOWARD??) and how the big brain gets her hotter than any beefcake she’d ever had. Myron starts falling for her charms though. She even takes off her top, but that’s not a big deal, we’ve seen her without clothes longer than she has them on. Myron is getting fairly turned on at this point and makes his move. . .

BOOBIES!!!

Yes, his tongue reaches 8 feet out to do a naughty, naughty thing. Then he reacts as though he blew his load, which at this point I’m trying to figure out whether he actually has balls or not. I mean, it’s a giant head, but I don’t know if he has a developed reproduction system or not. Anyway, it was all a clever rouse to lick himself some boobage, and decides that it must be death by torture, as planned. He sends her away to prepare for. . .THE PERFORMANCE!

Everyone gets sat down and they get ready to enjoy the play. Oh, “Joan of Arc” is on tonight, starring Loretta as Joan and a bunch of guys (with bits of plastic protruding their skull?) acting as retards trying to act. Laugh riot! Loretta’s brought out to do some acting. Myron wants the name of the second lawyer, but Lance won’t budge. Myron forces Loretta to read the lines in front of her by shocking her when she screws up. Man, the brainless have their lines memorized but she fucks it up eight times and never catches on. Reminds me of when Lisa was doing the science experiment with Bart and the hamster, Bart kept going after the cupcake and kept getting shocked. Truly, ANYTHING can be referenced back to the Simpsons.

The fun starts when they get to the part where Joan gets burned. Now they wouldn’t start a fire in the house would they? Well, everyone on the stage is fireproof, except for Loretta, so why the hell not? They tie her up to the wooden post and rip off her clothes. Well, no sense in being subtle now. Myron asks again, but Lance won’t budge. So, let the burning begin! Well, not so fast. Otis can’t stand to see the pretty girl harmed so he runs up, grabs her and takes off, knocking the torches over and setting the basement on fire. I thought it was fire proof? Wheeler attacks Lance but gets his eyes poked and he’s out of it. Myron tries to get away, but Lance catches up to him and wheels up to the head of the stairs and flips the big boy out of the chair and all the way down stairs. Lance runs after Loretta and Otis and runs into Howard in the basement. Nothing interesting happens. He does run into Ernestina who easily gets Lance to come after her. Wheeler, sight back now, runs over and stabs Lance several times. Lance manages to shove Wheeler into some steel bars and knock him out. Ernestina runs into Myron (or I guess Myron controlled her to get to him) and try to save him. Outside, Loretta and Otis watch the place burn. And by that, I mean they stuck a TV in one of the windows and put one of those “log burning” videos on. Loretta contemplates what she’ll do now as Otis repeats “pretty girl” over and over. She puts two and two together and realized that Otis is the last surviving Stackpoole, so he’s got all the money.

In a small office, a judge marries Otis and Loretta, which takes a while since Otis’ speech needs a lot of work. Eventually, the judge accepts Otis “I. . .I. . .I” as an “I do” and officially marries him. Loretta figures everything worked out in the end and starts laughing, which gets Otis laughing. For about five minutes straight. Gotta stretch out the running time you know.

Credits roll and that is that.

Overall: Well, it was an ambitious movie, I’ll give it that. Not even Spielberg himself would tackle the “giant talking head” genre without fucking it up, so I can’t blame whoever made this for it not turning out as good as it could be. But it does manage to capture the term “so bad, its good” perfectly. A giant talking head, a few freaky characters, a little bit of blood and LOTS of sex and nudity will keep your attention for the most part, though you’ll have to sit through a rather uninteresting beginning. There was talk of a sequel (since every movie needs a sequel nowadays) called “Bride of the Head of the Family”. It hasn’t surfaced yet, but I’m sure they’re still working out the budget for it. And I’ll be waiting when it comes out. . .eventually.  I’ll give this a 7 out of 10 (on a B-movie scale anyway.)

-“Lethal Shaun”

I like head.

 

 

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