Beefer Radness returns after a brief hiatus and we bring to you the RORY CALHOUN classic, “Hell Comes to Frogtown.” Actually, it stars “Rowdy” Roddy Peeper in his first major film role, though calling this movie “major” seems like quite a stretch. Piper sleepwalks his way through the capital wastelands trying to rescue a harem of hookers to hitch his hoochie into. And then fuck em.
Well now, “Hell Comes to Frogtown.” I feel compelled to explain more but it’s really summed up in the title, isn’t it? I guess I have to try. Alright, well Roddy Piper plays Sam Hell (as in “What the Sam Hell is that?”) who is one of the last fertile men on the planet after the big nukes went off. Almost everyone and everything is sterile so it’s been a hell of a time to repopulate the planet. So a government agency generically called MED TECH follows a trail of pregnant women and finds Sam Hell who isn’t very eager to help them. But they get him to help anyway and protect his nut sack and dongle with a giant metal codpiece that shocks him everytime he’s out of line or out of distance of some girls’ earrings. Their mission is to go into mutant territory and save a bunch of viable women from the mutated frogs and then get Mr. Piper to unsheath from the electrical device the only thing that will save humanity: his cock.
Seriously. THAT’S the story…and then some. This movie has amassed quite a cult following with its wacky story, so that must mean it’s good. That’s what we were hoping for when we initially puffed up; what we got was Piper wearing whatever he found on the side of the road before filming the movie and being driven around in a pink van towards a bunch of poorly animated muppet frogs led by a three-dicked king and Rory Calhoun shows up at some point.
Needless to say, we tear this movie to shreds. You could’ve been a contender, Frogtown! You disappointed me for the last time. I’m taking you behind the shed and putting you out of my misery. I can’t come up with anymore references to other movies so I’ll leave you with the movie to watch. Be sure to listen out for a new term that I’m sure you can’t wait to use in your verbal repertoire — “nigger lipping.”
Apologies to those really trying to watch the movie, the DVD did not come with subtitles. Lip readers need not apply either, the frogs’ mouths just go “MA MA MA MA MA MA.”
Hell Comes to Frogtown Part 1
Hell Comes to Frogtown Part 2
Hell Comes to Frogtown Part 3
Hell Comes to Frogtown Part 4
Hell Comes to Frogtown Part 5
Hell Comes to Frogtown Part 6
Hell Comes to Frogtown Part 7
Hell Comes to Frogtown Part 8
– “Lethal” Shaun, Dr. Huutrz and Bob Zombie