Hi internet. It’s been a while. Have you lost weight?? Didn’t think so.
Glad we’ve done this catching up. Onto the confessions!
“My fiance, Brad, and I spent a weekend at his family’s house on Cape Cod last August. We had zero alone time, so on Sunday morning, we told his family we were too tired to go to church with them. The second they pulled out of the driveway, we headed straight to the outdoor shower to get it on. We were in the middle of having sex when we heard his little sister scream at the top of her lungs. Brad’s father had forgotten his wallet, so he’d sent her inside to get it. The shower covered our torsos but left our heads and legs exposed, so she could see us going at it from the kitchen window and completely freaked out. Brad’s parents came running inside when they heard her, and I was so embarrassed that I packed up and made Brad drive me straight home…and after that we left the house.”
“I was out in my hometown one night and met a professional baseball player at a bar. He was gorgeous and kept buying me drinks. At the end of the night, I went back to his place. His pad was a mess, and for two hours, he made me read newspaper articles that featured his athletic achievements and even popped in a video of his latest game! We finally made out, but right in the middle of things, he dozed off and muttered, ‘I have to go to practice tomorrow, but while I’m gone, maybe you can stay behind and clean the place for me.’ I was so pissed that I decided to leave, but I realized I had no money for a cab. I figured he had cash to spare so I went through his wallet and took the rest of his cash while he was sleeping, and then I put my name with a fake number in his cell. The next day, I went on a shopping spree with the leftover dough, and I am typing this from prison.”
Cut & Paste:
“I’m an environmental consultant, and I had a steamy fling with a guy in my office. While we were dating, I found out he’d been messing around with his ex-girlfriend the entire time. I stayed late one night to finish a project, and I knew my lousy ex was giving a presentation to our boss and the entire department the next morning. After everyone left, I saw he’d left the folder for his big conference out in the open. He had once mentioned to me that he keeps a dirty magazine stashed inside the bottom drawer of his desk, so I found it, cut out some raunchy pics, and pasted them on top of the documents he was using for the presentation. I then put everything back into the folder. The next morning, my ex came in late, picked up the folder, and rushed into the meeting. While he was laying out his work, everyone spotted the scandalous shots and started laughing. My boss was furious. My ex was fired, and I heard he was so broke in between jobs that he ate only canned tuna for a month. Anyway, we have since started dating again. Awkwaaaaaaard!”
“My friend and I were at a club one night, and we both spotted a beautiful guy. We’re supercompetitive, so before I had a chance to approach him, she rushed over without me and struck up a conversation. When I saw her leave to use the bathroom, I figured I’d move in for the kill. I introduced myself to him and asked, ‘So, that girl you were just talking to…do you know her well?’ He said no, so I lied and told him we were roommates in college and that she brought back a different guy every night. I then mentioned that there was a good possibility she had a sexually transmitted disease. He fell for every word, and when she came back, he claimed he had to meet someone at the front door and left. Before the night was over, I ditched my bud and tracked down the hottie. I gave him my number, and we hooked up a few days later. He loves to fuck me up my ass and let me taste his shit-covered cock. Sometimes he and his friends pull up in a van and “kidnap me” when I’m leaving my job and they all take turns covering my face with their semen after they’re done violating me. They also like to choke me with their cocks until I throw up. It’s kind of fun but last time they did it I couldn’t breathe and ended up having a mini-stroke. My friend still doesn’t know and it was one of the best decisions I ever made!”
Pay your taxes!:
“My boyfriend and I were driving on a long, boring stretch of highway when I decided to spice things up. While he was behind the wheel, I unzipped his pants, leaned down, and began to give him a little below-the-belt action. As soon as my guy got into things, he slowed down. When this huge truck passed our car, the driver caught a glimpse of us. He honked his horn, and when my boyfriend looked up, the driver gave him this pervy smile. It creeped us out and ruined the mood, so I sat up and zipped my boyfriend’s jeans. The first truck driver must have told everyone on his radio about it, because for the rest of our trip, every time we passed a tractor trailer, the driver would honk at us. One of them even yelled ‘Way to go, buddy!’ out his window. It was mortifying. Later, we stopped at a rest stop and one of the truckers we’d seen earlier came out from behind a vending machine and hit my boyfriend in the face with a tire iron, dislocating his jaw and drive his nose bone into his brain. After stomping my boyfriend’s larynx with his steel-toed boot, he dragged me into the Men’s bathroom and slammed my face into the sink, knocking out some of the top row of my teeth. A few of the other truckers came in laughing and talking about what a ‘huge slut’ I was and how I was a ‘cocktease’ and that I needed to pay my “road head tax.” You wouldn’t believe what happened next. I haven’t fully recovered yet, and it still hurts thinking about my boyfriend dying the way he did. No one seems to know what happened to his body and the local police there refuse to investigate. It was a terrible decision and I’ll never think about sex the same way again, especially in public. I miss the life I used to have.”
“My boyfriend’s sister Sandy was pregnant, and I was invited to the baby shower. The morning of the shower, my boyfriend drove me around to run some errands. We stopped at our local pharmacy, where I picked up my birth-control pills in a brown paper sack. Then we went to another store, where I bought Sandy a baby bib, which was also in a brown paper bag. I didn’t have time to wrap the present, so I figured I’d just give it to her in the bag. When my boyfriend dropped me off at the shower, I jumped out and he handed me the gift and sped away. About an hour later, Sandy started opening the gifts and I passed mine to her. She reached inside the bag, but instead of pulling out a baby bib, she lifted up birth-control pills. My boyfriend’s mom freaked and started going on and on about how immature my joke was. I later explained the mix-up, but I wasn’t invited to another family gathering for quite some time. It all turned out okay, though – her baby was stolen from the hospital.”
Well, I’m glad we had this time to catch up. I’m sure I’ll make it around to posting again sometime in late 2014. If you like what you’ve read today, see more of it in the new issue of Nothing!: The new bullshit magazine that doesn’t exist – written by…um, whoever you want to write in it, because it doesn’t exist.