Videogame-to-movie translations seem to be a deep, deep well we can keep going back to when it comes to mocking films that Hollywood thinks it can adapt, but can’t. “Street Fighter” was a good example, but Dr. Huutrz and I knew we could do better. How much better? How about taking the bright colorful world of Nintendo’s Super Mario Bros. game series and trying to make logical sense out of it? You need the weed for this movie.
I mean, you’ll see for yourself, if you haven’t already, the INSANITY that is Super Mario Bros. The writers actually try to tie in the extinction of the dinosaurs and evolutionary theory (as well as multiple dimensions) to a game about a couple of plumbing brothers who fall into a giant drain into another world where they jump on 3-foot tall evil mushrooms and fight a fat, bi-pedal dragon who loves to kidnap this world’s only other known human, who just happens to be a princess of everchanging names.
I WISH I was high while trying to make that shit up. After reading all of that, you knew it was going to be a bomb because they’re out to piss off the Creationist assholes out there. Oh, now I’m trying to involve religion into this discussion, time to get back to the magical world of the mushroom kingdom.
The filmmakers took whatever Nintendo had created with their strange Mario universe and turned it upside down with some story about joining dimensions because the dinosaurs aren’t extinct, they got blasted into another dimension and evolved into humans all the while only building 4 city blocks on their planet. Needless to say they’re pissed and they want in. In order to combine dimensions, they need a magic rock from the meteor that crushed them into Stephen Hawking’s wet dream that was left with a baby whose mother escaped into our world and left her baby to rot in some nun’s orphanage.
What does this have to do with the Mario Bros? I don’t know, but they’re written in anyway and I curse the day they cast JOHN F’N LEGUIZAMO as Luigi. Honestly, this movie is all about Luigi, he’s in love with the princess, he gets to be the “cool” one for the kids to look up to, Mario’s just along for the ride. Fuck Luigi, no one likes you. There’s so much wrong with this movie, the only thing right is Bob-omb. That’s it. Bob Hoskins and Dennis Hopper have gone on record saying they have no recollection of doing this movie and that it really doesn’t exist. They may be right!
Super Mario Bros. Part 1
Super Mario Bros. Part 2
Super Mario Bros. Part 3
Super Mario Bros. Part 4
Super Mario Bros. Part 5
Super Mario Bros. Part 6
Super Mario Bros. Part 7
Super Mario Bros. Part 8
Super Mario Bros. Part 9
-“Lethal” Shaun, Dr. Huutrz and Bob “Smokey McPot” Zombie