Todd Goldman's New Artwork Unveiling! A Lethal Exclusive!
Posted by Spyder Mayhem on April 23rd 2007
Hello, and welcome to a very special post here on Lethal Entertainment: Your Internet Source for Entertainment News and Stories!
It isn't every day that we here at Lethal are presented with the unique opportunity that we have been given by a very generous and creative man. Indeed, this may very well be the biggest moment in the history of Lethal, and will raise the value of the web site by at least eight bucks. You're welcome, Barbwire Mike!
When one thinks of amazing and talented artists on the Internet, one usually first thinks of those people who do the porn drawings of Fred Flinstone and Goku boinking that one chick from Final Fantasy VII while a Turtle-girl watches and masturbates. But when one takes a moment, squeezes one out and then thinks about Internet artists some more, a single shining name springs to mind: Todd Goldman.
Todd "Delilah" Goldman owns and operates Samsonanddelilahtshirts.com, the 3,457th most popular online retailer. He also has several galleries filled with his art in such prestigious places as Los Noches, California, White Sands, Utah, and Branson, Missouri. He is renowned for his witty look at current culture, irreverent humor, and love of boys. He has been known to quip, while engaging in sex with men who have young features and soft skin, "ROFL, LOL, O RLY?" This delights his young charges to no end and keeps them smiling and happy even when bound tightly and hanging from the rafters of the studio in which Todd works.
And, as this article will show, his studio churns out magic almost daily. Prepare, dear reader, to embark on an epic journey into Todd Goldman's newest works, pieces which will amaze and delight even the most jaded and cynical Internet surfer. If you have a weak heart or are prone to cutting yourself while listening to My Chemical Romance, turn back now! Your frail systems will not be able to handle what is to come!
The first piece is going to be on his new T-shirt line, and includes his new and soon to be famous character "Clipart Flower." "Clipart Flower" is supposed to represent the awesomeness of Clipart, and the happiness of flowers. Just reading that should warm your soul. Todd spent nine days in the studio getting this flower just right, making sure it lived up to the high standards set by his previous T-shirts, which include such characters as "Fatty McTubTubbs, the Fat Tubby Boy," and "Goth Girl with Knife Being Menacing." And it more than lives up to those high standards, being maybe the greatest T-shirt work he has ever done.
Ready? Good. Lethal Entertainment presents the internet's first look at Todd Goldman's newest, greatest T-shirt ever!
This T-shirt asks the funny and uplifting question, "Flower you?" a play on the common small talk question "How are you?" Indeed, by merely changing a few letters, Todd creates an upbeat and positive smile-producing T-shirt masterpiece. Why didn't anyone else think of that? Because no one has the genius that Todd has. No one. And were one to ever think otherwise, that person would suffer mightily. For Todd is gracious in his love, but wrathful in his vengeance. To doubt him is to enter a world of pain and sorrow. Love Todd with all of your heart and bask in his warmth. Do it now.
Todd's stellar success has allowed him to meet some famous people, many of whom are fans of his work. One such fan requested that Todd do a portrait of him, and Todd agreed to do so for a small fee of several thousand dollars. Had it been anyone else, Todd would have said no, for Todd lives by his wits and his ideas, and has no time to paint people merely because they want him to. He has turned down Dr. Phil, Summer Cummings, Stephen Hawking, and three former Presidents, just to name a few.
But this requestor was different, and Todd instantly felt a common bond and spark usually reserved for nubile college boys. And that spark led to a painting so truly wonderful, words cannot describe it. Todd and his patron have both been gracious enough to let Lethal Entertainment post an image of the painting, and we are grateful for the opportunity to break such an exclusive on to the Internet.
I present to you, faithful reader, Todd Goldman's excellent portrait of famous comedian Carlos Mencia.
Notice the noble chin, jutting out proudly. Notice the capturing of the facial features, frozen in a moment of contemplation. The words on the side are unreadable, but hint at a message within the painting, something deeper within this beautiful portrait of a comedian in his prime, standing atop the world due to his own sheer cleverness and originality.
In addition to being picky about who he paints, Todd also doesn't like to over commercialize himself. Saying on his web site samsonanddelilahtshirts.com that he "would never tarnish [his] nor samsonanddelilahtshirts.com's reputation by taking projects just for money," Todd has proven that samsonanddelilahtshirts.com isn't just another company out to make a quick buck any way they can, but rather samsonanddelilahtshirts.com is a beautfiul and unique expression of the self to a world that hungers for original and thought-provoking ideas. Indeed, his latest sale at samsonanddelilahtshirts.com shows just how not in it for profit he is, instead preferring to focus on samsonanddelilahtshirts.com and his natural artistic leanings, which can be purchased at samsonanddelilahtshirts.com. Furthermore, samsonanddelilahtshirts.com.
But when approached by acclaimed film maker and amazing boxer Uwe Boll to help design the poster for Mr. Boll's next movie, Todd just couldn't say no. An opportunity to work with a man who has created some of the most amazing films in cinematic history was just too good to turn down. So he didn't, and soon a burly Russian man covered in tattoos of eagles was at his door with a briefcase full of hundreds, some of which Todd immediately gave back to the Russian as a way of buying fire insurance for his house and studio.
Below is the collaborative efforts of Todd and Uwe, and I for one just can't wait to jump in line for this film when it finally hits the theaters. Todd is such an amazing artist that one of his paintings convinced the New York Times to buy stories about Florida from Jayson Blair and publish them.
Expect Lethal's first twelve-star super amazing rating for that film when we finally get to see it. "Lethal: We Hate Everything Except This Film, Because It Will Rock Hard."
But the best has been saved for last. Todd is not just a t-shirt maker. Todd is not only a painter of the famous. Todd is not merely a creator of amazing film posters. No, Todd is also a classical artist of the highest caliber, and after two long years of work, he has created the greatest painting of all time. A fusion of many styles and influences, this painting is so great that it deserves its own wing at the Louvre or the Met. Fuck that, the Louvre AND the Met.
Indeed, artists and people of stature and culture will mark this revelation in this post on this day as the moment when art changed forever. We at Lethal have never been a part of something so proud, so amazing, so life-changing as the photo of the painting that we are about to show you. Prepare to never be able to look at the Masters the same again, for it turns out they were merely amateurs pretending to be masters until the one true master came along and redefined the very term itself. That moment is now, that master is Todd Goldman.
Todd's creative juices burn like a rash on the groin, and no ointment can get rid of a work such as this. Indeed, Todd expressed concern and sadness after having completed this piece, for it is the pinnacle of any artist's career, and there may just be nowhere to go but down from here. But most humans will never create something as beautiful and moving as this, and that is testament to Todd's amazing creativity and wit. If there is indeed nowhere to go but down from this very moment for Todd Goldman, no one deserves the slide more.
-Spyder Mayhem *cough cough *