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Sun Tzu and Musashi's Advice for the Modern World #1 Posted by Inside Clyde on February 7th 2007 This series of columns was originally to take place on another website, which never really took off. So I present them to you here. These are actual questions submitted from strangers and a couple of people I know. Musashi’s answers are taken from his book “Book of Five Rings.” Sun Tzu’s answers are taken from “The Art of War.”  About the men behind the advice: Miyamoto Musashi: My name is Miyamoto Musashi. I have killed over sixty men in fights and duels. When I was sixty years of age I looked back upon my life and in a flash of wisdom, realized that all my victories were based on either great luck, an innate ability, or perhaps because I am a muthafuckin’ P.I.M.P. Sun Tzu: I realized that war is a matter of vital importance to the State. It demands study and analysis; mine was the first known attempt to formulate a rational basis for the planning and conduct of military operations. But I got mine in my spare time, if you know what I mean. Inside Clyde: It’s an honor to be able to translate and interpret the advice of two such notable men. These are real questions fielded from real people. If you have any questions for the unequaled masters of battle, love and lust, drop me a line here. All questions will be printed just at they are received. Make sure you put “Question for Tzu and Musashi” in the subject line of your e-mail. Dear Sun Tzu and Musashi, I asked a girl who i was attracted to about going on a date. She agreed but, before the date, she revealed that she has a live in girlfriend who would also be accompanying us on the date. Do I pay for both of their meals or just the girl i asked out? Sincerely, The bald headed pimp Musashi: Do not confuse profit with profitability. To sell yourself based on the design of your school symbol is unfair to students and is, moreover, moronic because it fools the unknowing into thinking that skill is based on superficiality. Besides, it is bad karma and it will come back to haunt you. You cannot fool with the “spirit of the thing itself.” It is a far greater wisdom than man can ever understand. Inside Clyde: Musashi is right. You are really asking if buying both of the ladies’ meals means you’ll get a blowjob from both of them at the same time by the end of the night. To make the threesome happen, you must remove such mercantile thoughts from your head. Musashi is also correct in assuming that at least one of these women is in college. College women are sluts. Musashi is also generous and most righteous with his final two bits of advice, which I can translate simply as this: if you are meant to have the threesome, the women have already discussed and decided it. You’re in the position of simply not screwing it up at this point. Not paying for both? Fucking it up. Wearing something you got at tshirthell.com? Fucking it up. Calling yourself “The bald headed pimp” at any point during the date? Fucking it up. In short, pay and pray and don’t talk too much during the date. Sun Tzu: If weaker numerically, be capable of withdrawing; if your troops are not equal, temporarily avoid the initial onrush. Probably later you can take advantage of a soft spot. Then rouse yourself and seek victory with determined spirit. If they are strong and I am weak, I temporarily withdraw and do not engage. This is the case when abilities and courage of the generals and efficiency of the troops are equal. Inside Clyde: Mr. Tzu is assuming all is going to go well on your date and you’re going to wind up living the ultimate fantasy of the unimaginative white male, the threesome. Remember – it’s only total victory if everyone reaches the promise land. (Read: Orgasms.) You’re the one guy, they are two women. Stick it in and pull it out when you feel like up from the ground comes a bubblin’ crude. (Semen, that is, fertility frosting, special sauce.) Also, concentrate on one gal at a time, or turn the women on one another to assist your play. Remember your talents with fingers and tongue. If you don’t have those skills, then call me and I’ll do the job for you, you loser. If you lose your erection, then lick and move, lick and move. Also, if you lose your erection when you are with two women, hang yourself. Holy fuck! I have to learn to wrestle from this asshole! |
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