.: Home . Lethal Wrestling . Forum . Archives . Staff . Contact :.

MAY 7TH

VAN HELSING

Director: Stephen Sommers

Hugh Jackman ditches the claws and cigars to play Abraham Van Helsing, famed monster hunter. Along with Kate Beckinsale, he battles classic Universal monsters like Frankenstein, The Wolf Man and Dracula, all updated for the new millenium. I'm hoping this film is shooting for "campy fun", but I've seen different trailers and it's almost like there's an identity crisis. Some play up the fun, others act like it's some hardcore shit. The CGI monsters look silly and if they're honestly going to try to play this straight, it won't work at all. While I'm hardly expecting a classic here, it should be a nice popcorn, Saturday night diversion. Universal has their hopes a bit higher though. They're hoping for a franchise, but I just don't see how that's a possibility. They loaded up all the good monsters in this flick. Who's he going to kill next time? The Creature From The Black Lagoon? The Mummy? Mr. Hyde? While they may get people to check this one out, I doubt the public's going to have much interest in the Groovie Ghoulies B-Team for part 2. Take the money and run, Universal.

NEW YORK MINUTE

Director: Dennie Gordon

The Olsen Twins take another shot at the big screen, although this sounds just like one of their straight-to-video flicks. There's two twins. One's "wild" and the other one's "conservative". Wacky hijinks ensue. Isn't this the plot of EVERY OTHER Olsen Twins flick? How they got Eugene Levy to agree to do this one is beyond me. There's no denying that the Olsen Twins have their audience. Girls have grown up with them and will continue to support them, but guys are just waiting for them to get naked. Not gonna happen in this one.

SEEING OTHER PEOPLE

Director: Wallace Wolodarsky

This is a romantic comedy starring Jay Mohr and Juliette Nicholson as the couple. Two months before they're going to get married, they decide that they're going to be free to have sex with other people up until that day. You all should see where this is going. They have hot encounters, they have disappointing encounters, there's humorous encounters, but in the end, they realize that they don't really want all that other trim and/or dick, that all they want is each other. Blargh. The director's comic resume doesn't speak well for him either, unless you're that one guy who thought Sorority Boys was hilarious. On the writing side, you have a Simpsons and a Larry Sanders writer, which would look promising, until you realize just how many people have written for those two shows. This one's barely going to be a blip on the radar. Forgetting for a moment that it's standard rom-com fare, it's an indie on top of it, insuring that almost nobody will see it.

VALENTIN

Director: Alejandro Agresti

This has been sitting on the shelf at Miramax for a couple years now. It got snatched up in the HOT LATIN PHASE of Hollywood, when Y Tu Mama Tambien was doing so well. This is about a boy growing up in Argentina who spends his time trying to cheer up all his depressed family members and neighbors. Then he falls in love with his father's girlfriend and DRAMA++ begins. The fact that it was shelved for so long doesn't bode well. It could mean a lot of things, but in this case, I'm leaning towards the fact that it didn't test well and they weren't sure what to do with it. Releasing it during the summer rush tells me they're looking to use it as a tax write off.

GODZILLA

Director: Ishiro Honda

A big lizard fucks up Tokyo. Japanese people scream and run. Fun for the entire family! As long as you live in New York or San Francisco, the only two places this one's being released. Fear not though friends. It will be on DVD by the end of the summer.

MAY 14TH

TROY

Director: Wolfgang Petersen

This is the big gun of May in my opinion. The combination of Brad Pitt and Orlando Bloom will insure that the ladies will want to see it. The epic, reportedly bloody and massive battles will insure that guys want to see it. Before I saw the Super Bowl trailer, I was mildly intrigued. Afterwards, I couldn't wait. For those of you who don't know, it's the story of a 10 year war between the Greeks and the Trojans, that all gets started because of some tramp. Said tramp will be played by Diane Kruger, seemingly the only non-name in the film. She doesn't have much work on her resume, but really, the role of Helen of Troy doesn't demand much other than looking hot. Petersen's a passable director. None of his films have blown me away, but none have been horribly bad or unwatchable either. I think the sheer size and scale of not just the story, but the starpower attached, will carry the film easily through any rough patches. This is definitely one to see on the big screen. Don't wait for video.

BREAKIN' ALL THE RULES

Director: Daniel Taplitz

Jamie Foxx gets dumped by Gabrielle Union. Bitter and angry, he writes a break-up handbook for men, that takes off and turns him into a best selling author. The question is, will he get his girl back? The director's done a lot of television work, which normally doesn't bode well, although comedy seems to be the easiest genre to make the transition in. The problem is nothing seems all that funny in the trailer. They're trying to sell this as a comedy, but when there's not even any laugh out loud moments in the fucking trailer, what motivates one to go see the flick? It's not like this guy's M. Night Shyamalan, who's all cryptic with his trailers. UPDATE! This movie has left your local multiplex. I just blinked.

A SLIPPING DOWN LIFE

Director: Toni Kalem

This is a romantic comedy, with the couple being played by Lili Taylor and a pre-Memento Guy Pearce as some quirky rock musician. That's right. PRE-Memento. This film was done in 1999 and they're just bringing it out now. Why? Who the fuck knows? It's not like you can capitalize on a Guy Pearce hot factor. That may have worked on the heels of Memento, but Pearce's career has seriously cooled since then with one poor film choice after another. Add on the fact that the film's only being released in N.Y. and L.A. and it just makes me wonder why this one didn't go direct to video.

CARANDIRU

Director: Hector Babenco

This film is based on a 1992 prison riot in Brazil at one of South America's largest prisons. Early word is that this movie is gritty and hardcore and Sony Pictures is hoping it'll draw the City Of God crowd in. It's indie and it's foreign, meaning it'll have a pretty limited release and most of the country probably won't even get it, so if you're interested at all, check your local Best Buy around August, when it'll probably show up on DVD.

MAY 21ST

SHREK 2

Directors: Andrew Adamson + Kelly Asbury

I have to be honest here. I don't like kid's films and I have no objectivity when it comes to them. I can't sit through them and I lose patience with them very quickly. People have insisted to me that Shrek has plenty to keep adults entertained, but after 15 minutes of it, I couldn't take it and bailed out. Needless to say though, I'm in the minority. Shrek was a monster hit, so the sequel was an inevitability. Mike Myers, Cameron Diaz and Eddie Murphy return as the voices of their respective characters. The story is that Shrek is going to meet Fiona's parents, voiced by John Cleese and Julie Andrews. Reportedly, Antonio Banderas shreds as Puss In Boots. Undoubtedly, the flick's going to make 300 million dollars, because every kid who saw the first one is gonna want to see this one. Good for them.

THE CLEARING

Director: Pieter Jan Brugge

This is the directorial debut for Brugge, along with a first time screenwriter as well. Sometimes, that doesn't bode well, but Brugge has managed to assemble a cast of Robert Redford, Willem Dafoe and Helen Mirren, which should make things a lot smoother. Redford and Mirren play a successful and wealthy couple. Dafoe plays an angry employee of Redford's, who kidnaps him and holds him for ransom. Mirren needs to secure his relief and emotional strain and taut nerves ensue. This looks like it could be a good thriller. I've liked Redford's last few pictures and Dafoe can always make a great villain. It may be a little too low key to survive in the summertime though. I'm sure they're hoping they'll catch the eye of people not interested in the huge scale of Troy and Day After Tomorrow that sandwich it and looking for something more cerebral than Shrek 2. Unfortunately, there's not that many of those people going to films this time of year and certainly not enough to keep this in the theatres longer than a few weeks. Too bad. It looks promising.

STRAYED

Director: Andre Techine

When you hear "French World War II Drama", you wonder, just how dramatic can some frog waving a white flag be? It's not like they're gonna try and pass off something like Jacques Deth, Nazi-Killer or Pierre Fagbo, lunatic Legionaire back from black ops in the desert to KICK SOME NON-HORSE EATIN' ASS! These people are even pussies in their movies and this one's no different. French people run away into the woods as Nazis arrive in their town. I'm sure you all share my disbelief and admiration at such a daring take on the French role in WWII.

LOVE ME IF YOU DARE

Director: Yann Samuell

A French romantic comedy where a couple woos each other by performing Jackass-like stunts. If you're interested, we'll start an over/under line on whether or not they surrender to one another by the second act.

MAY 28TH

THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW

Director: Roland Emmerich

Let's be honest. You know what you're going to get with this one. Emmerich's Independence Day is not a good movie, but if you like to see epic, massive destruction on major American cities, it does deliver. This film, about the arrival of a new ice age, appears to be more of the same. New York freezes over, insuring lots of CGI goodness. What this film lacks that Independence Day had is starpower. Dennis Quaid doesn't exactly scream Big Event Movie and Jake Gyllenhaal, while an internet icon due to Donnie Darko, is still viewed as an indie talent in Hollywood. He has yet to prove anything box office wise and even if this film does well, he's not going to get the credit. Emmerich is. Seeing Gyllenhaal in big explosion crap like this is disappointing, but every actor is entitled to a payday every once in awhile and Jake's has come due.

SOUL PLANE

Director: Jessy Terrero

I shit you not. This film is about an airline called NWA, Niggas With Airplanes. If that screams hilarity to you, slow your roll for a minute and look at the strikes against it. Strike One, Tom Arnold. Has he ever been more funny than annoying? Strike Two, both screenwriters and the director have done basically nothing of note. Small resumes, with a lot of direct-to-video crap on them. Strike Three, Snoop Dogg. I know some people find him to be the picture of hilarity, but all the -izzle shit gets grating fast and I truly doubt that many people are going to want to sit through 90 minutes of it. Hell, the trailer doesn't even have any funny moments in it and you know they put the best shit there. That doesn't bode well, friends. Not at all.

RAISING HELEN

Director: Garry Marshall

Kate Hudson plays a whimsical, irresponsible free spirit, who has to raise her sister's kids after sis dies in a car wreck. Christ, do you really need to see this? If you've seen more than four films in your life, you know how this one goes. Allegedly funny situations as Kate adjusts to having kids around, bonding, then pivotal point arrives where Kate has to make a decision between responsibility and selfishness, where she of course blossoms into full-fledged surrogate mom. FUCK-ing YAWN. You know Marshall is going to play it safe and stick to formula like he has with EVERY OTHER FILM he's ever done. It's pathetic and amazing at the same time, that pieces of shit like this continue to get made and in such close proximity to one another. Didn't we just have Uptown Girls last week? On a side note, remember around Almost Famous time when Kate Hudson was being annointed with Next Big Thing status? Sit back and laugh with me at the fact that she's done absolutely nothing of significance since.

SAVED!

Director: Brian Dannelly

The trailer for this film starts out funny. Some guy on stage in a packed auditorium asking people "Who's down with G-O-D?" It then degenerates into some sort of teen movie crap starring Mandy Moore. What I got from it is a sanitized Jawbreaker/Heathers type thing set in a Christian school. Honestly, this movie would come and go in a flash anyway. Amusingly enough though, the studio's trying to generate buzz by playing up the "controversial" aspect of the film's poking fun at Christian teens. They want a Passion-like shitstorm, they want to piss off religious leaders, but nobody fucking cares. When you can't get religious zealots who live to grandstand over even the most minor issues to denounce you, it's time to pack it in and call it a day. Another Mandy Moore waste of celluloid. I'm sure you all share my shock and awe.

HOW TO GET THE MAN'S FOOT OUT OF YOUR ASS

Director: Mario Van Peebles

This film is described as "half-documentary/half-homage" to Sweet Sweetback's Baaaadaassss Song, one of the first Blaxploitation films directed by Melvin Van Peebles. No disrespect to Melvin. It was a trying time, he got fought every inch of the way and he persevered and got it done. I'm suspicious of anything Mario's involved with though. How DOES this guy continue to get work? He, Ice-T and Dolph Lundgren are in every single direct-to-video movie out and he sucks in all of them. I have never seen Sonny Spoon do ANYTHING of merit, either in front of the camera or behind it. It's sad that he's going to be responsible for telling his father's story, because he's only going to fuck it up. Look for this at Blockbuster by June.

THE MOTHER

Director: Roger Michell

Some old lady bangs a young dude who's also banging her daughter. Call me crazy, but I'm not down with seeing any granny porn, softcore or otherwise. I'll take a pass.

May's has some good stuff on DVD as well.  In rapid fire format...

THE LAST SAMURAI - See Tom Cruise as a samurai!  Seriously!

PETER PAN - See a fruity kid fly around with other fruity kids and a fairy!

GIRL WITH A PEARL EARRING - See Scarlett Johansson get jizz all over her-  wait a minute.  That was Girl With A Pearl Necklace.  Moving on...

CHASING LIBERTY - See Mandy Moore run all over Europe with some Eurofag!

ELEPHANT - See disconnected high school kids do a school shooting!  

CALENDAR GIRLS - See old chicks get naked!

PARTY OF FIVE: SEASON ONE - See yourself bumping into Tommy in the aisle at Best Buy!

GILMORE GIRLS: SEASON ONE - See Tommy again the next week!

IN AMERICA - See immigrants struggle to make it in America with no Yakov Smirnoff!

SURVIVOR: SEASON ONE - WHY SEE THIS?  You already know who WON!

PAYCHECK - See Ben Affleck collect a paycheck!

MIRACLE - See Kurt Russell with bad hair coaching a hockey team!

TORQUE - See NWM, Niggas With Motorcycles!

YOU GOT SERVED - See white kids breakdancing!

SMALLVILLE: SEASON TWO - See Superman portrayed as a big, angsty pussy!

THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY: EXTENDED VERSION - See Clint Eastwood kill Mexican motherfuckers!

ENTER THE DRAGON: SE - See Bruce Lee kill Asian motherfuckers!

LORD OF THE RINGS: RETURN OF THE KING - See Viggo Mortensen kill Orc motherfuckers!

BUBBA HO-TEP - See Bruce Campbell as Elvis!

THE GREAT ESCAPE: SE - See Steve McQueen escape a WWII prison!

UNDERWORLD: UNRATED EXTENDED CUT - See Kate Beckinsale look hot in latex and absolutely nothing else of merit!  Longer this time!

ORGY OF THE DEAD - See zombie strippers!  And CRISWELL!

I'm out.

~Pi

.: Home . Lethal Wrestling . Forum . Archives . Staff . Contact :.