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Chomping at the Bit 2: This time it's personal Posted by Barbwire Mike on April 5th 2004  Serious love to Lethal’s newest standout Tokage for the banner. That’s some cool shit, yo. Hiya kiddies, and welcome to another exciting edition of CatB. Hopefully you didn’t miss the debut, which much like most of their victims seemed to be swallowed up by a large group of zombies a few weeks back. If you did, take a moment and scope the review of THE SINFUL DWARF. Makes a great second feature if your church is planning on an Easter screening of Passion of the Christ this Sunday. Today’s happy fun time flick is one that has very special significance to me, because it was vital in shaping my love of exploitation. See, back in the days before we got cable (one of the last families in the neighborhood to finally make the move. Dad was such a cheap-ass) we only had one TV of any real worth in the house. Trying to secure a time for each member’s particular programs was at best a chore and at worst a knock-down drag-out bloody brawl involving a variety of weaponry and a requiring at least cursory understanding of The Art of War. To this day, a highlight of our family reunions is for all the cousins to gather around as we share the war stories and show off the scars of such infamous battles as the oft-studied “Charlie’s Angels vs. Faggot Little House on the Prairie” campaigns. However there was one timeslot that we didn’t even bother with. Sunday from 7-8 was dad’s “60 Minutes” time, and as long as you were happy with the current number of teeth in your mouth it was folly to suggest the hour may be better spent on other programming. Can’t say I minded much, as Andy Rooney could be funny from time to time and it beat hell out of the sissiness of Disney’s show my sister would cry about missing every week. But even now, I get a kick out of the fact the original TV newsmagazine, which has run hundreds of emotionally based stories whose sole purpose was to inform and perhaps rally viewers to what they perceived as societal ills… is DIRECTLY responsible for my love of sleaze. Two stories in particular so piqued my interest. The first wasn’t so much a judgement piece, but simply a report on a North Carolina indy director by the name of Fred Olin Ray (in later years, my production work was for a company headed by the guy who produced the story). The other, however, remains as burned into my memory today as it did when it aired a good twenty years ago. The overall story was about violence in horror movies, focusing specifically on the victimization of women in it. But the reason I’ve never forgotten it is because of the movie, and more specifically the scene, they used to illustrate their point. While it plays some moralist putz describes the action, taking special note of how an ambiguous song downplays the horror while, he says, “the killer chases down the terrified nude girl with a nail gun… and calmly shoots her in the chest and face with it”. Oh, and did I mention that when they broadcast the scene there was no digitized blocking? Well there WASN’T!! LEGIT NUDITY RIGHT THERE IN THE FAMILY HOUR!! Suddenly, I noticed my pants just the tiniest bit tighter. That’s right… in the same time slot on the same channel where a momentary flash of tit horrified a nation of Superbowl viewers, over 20 years ago they showed the last moments of a girl’s life as she happily diddled herself in a bath tub. “Progressive society” my hairy balls. So just what movie are we talking about?  “The Toolbox Murders” was more than your run of the mill slasher flick, it was held up as a glaring example of the path to Hell that Hollywood was taking us all down. In addition to the aforementioned 60 Minutes piece, there’s a famous story about how Phil Donahue screened the movie for his audience prior to taping an episode about violence in movies. The audience screamed, booed, and (reportedly) vomited their disgust. In fact, about its only salvation was horror master Stephen King calling it his favorite horror movie ever (making it one of about 794 movies that was able claim this title at one point or another). Otherwise, “Toolbox” may have been about as easy to see here as it was in Britain, where it was labeled a dreaded “video nasty”. The film stars Cameron Mitchell doing what he does best; which is acting creepy. Mitchell plays a handyman in an apartment complex so loaded with single bimbettes you’d swear that Aaron Spelling was the landlord. The killer dons a ski mask (for reasons that can only be guessed at… since they never try to convince you there are any other suspects) and goes about dispatching the nubile occupants at (in the beginning anyway) dizzying speeds. As you’ve probably gathered from the title, he’s not using a shotgun or scanning people to make their heads explode. No, his preferred tools of destruction are… well… tools. And early on, it looks like we’re really going to employ the entire Craftsman catalog. Here is what we’re treated to in the first 20 minutes: VICTIM #1 We’re barely past the credits before the first corpse-to-be shows up. She’s older than the co-eds that have to die for being sluts, but still fulfills the moral bankruptcy quota by walking around in her night robe in the early afternoon half in the bag. In fact, she’s such a lush she barely even notices that the handyman who has come to do repairs is wearing a ski mask. In short order she’s history, care of a large hole drilled into her spine.  VICTIM #2 Cute college girl, meaning she has to be a whore. Her end comes quickly, being knocked out with an uppercut before getting dragged to a stairwell to have her skull caved in with the sharp end of a claw hammer. He then takes her back to her apartment and lays her out in the living room, because it would’ve made too much sense to just kill her there in the first place (but I’m sure the OTS fans out there appreciated it).  VICTIM #3 I assume she is the roommate or orgymate of victim #2. She at least mounts somewhat of an offense first (kick to the nuts) but soon lays lifeless next to her friend with a gaping screwdriver hole in her gut.  VICTIM #4: The famous one The first three killings happen with little or no plot getting in the way. Following them we do get a couple of minutes of non-death before moving on to the murder the film is known for (and enjoy it folks, because it’s the last one for a LOOOONG time). Porn star Kelly Nichols (who goes by her real name of Marianne Walters and has a mini-documentary called “I Got Nailed In the Toolbox Murders” on the DVD) takes a bath. Now the object of bathing is to be clean, but since she’s an attractive girl alone in her apartment while killings are going on all around her she has to prove she’s worthy of dying a dirty jezabel death. Therefore, she masturbates… which may as well be a catcall to judgmental serial killers. On cue he snatches her from the tub and forces her into the bedroom. She’s compliant for a moment but then panic hits her and she attempts to flee, resulting in an ELECTRIC NAIL GUN BLAST to her torso. She struggles to stay up but slumps onto a clothes hamper, leaving her wide open for the money shot… RIGHT BETWEEN THE EYES BABY!!  Four grisly deaths and we’re not 30 minutes in. This has all the earmarks of a masterpiece, right? Sadly, no. Because the rest of the flick plays like a bad Saturday afternoon Oxygen drama. Turns out Cameron Mitchell is killing all these girls because his daughter died, and he uses a toolbox because he’s a handyman (and a ski mask because it’s less scary than his regular face). He’s probably not a very useful handyman however, since he’s now completely out of murder weapons and is reduced to fixating on young Pamelyn Ferdin who reminds him of his daughter (maybe because he watched too much TV, as she was in everything from Lassie to Andy Griffith to being one of the voices of “Lucy” on the old Charlie Brown shows). And as much pain as those four ladies pictured above went through, it doesn’t TOUCH the agony of the rest of “Toolbox Murders”. Here’s how the movie progresses: -Brother notices sister is missing thanks to spilled can. Goes to cops. -Cameron Mitchell harrasses Pam by forcing her to endure Cameron Mitchell.  -Borther meets up with son of handyman and they try to find sis. -Cameron Mitchell tortures us with a 15 minute scene where he tries to feed Pam and discusses life in general.  -Swerve. -Pam remains tied to bed, waiting for outcome.  -Stupid exploitation staple ending followed by claim it’s based on a true story (seen reviews that claim something similar really did happen in the late 60’s… others say it’s based on Ed Gein like every other horror movie ever made in the history of the world even those in the 30s while he was still a child).  Overall I’m sort of torn on this movie. On the one hand it played quite a role in my growing fascination with gore and sleaze, on the other the pacing is among the worst I’ve ever seen. Still, it’s trash that pissed off a lot of people in the day and will always have its place in the exploitation hall of fame. And to prove how lofty a position it holds, you need look no further than one of the most important names in the hallowed hall of horror directors: Tobe Hooper. Last year, while Hollywood was off shooting a re-make of the unforgettable “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” (and pulling off a darned admirable job of it, surprisingly), Tobe was doing a little re-hashing of his own. His remake? “The Toolbox Murders”. And if someone would have the Goddamned common courtesy to throw a copy up on the net, you can bet this blood and guts aficionado is chomping at the bit to scope it. Eat a toolbox of Hell.  Barbwire Mike What kind of toolbox doesn’t have a hacksaw? |
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