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March 31st, 1999 Hollywood is a magical, enchanting place, where entertainment legends live down the street, the sidewalks are carved with the names of our fore-fathers, and there's a drunken screen-writer on every corner. Why, imagine. You could be strolling down the street on the way to Andy Griffith's house, and as soon as you stop to check out Kermit the Frog's star on the walk of fame, BAM! You're pelted in the chest by a haggard, unshaven yuppie who begs you to read his "better" script for the new Star Wars movies. It turns out in this version that Anakin is a bisexual cowboy who fights zombies with a chainsaw. WHOA! That'd be sweet! Where's my notebook, I need to write these things down... With such a wonderful town, you'd figure that true love would abound, right? The answer is yes and no. No, if your idea of true love is a long, healthy, productive relationship with the person of your dreams, struggling sometimes, but always overcoming adversity and sitting down at the end of the day with a bowl of macaroni and cheese to watch "Friends." Yes, if your idea of true love is having a transvestite tell you to "talk to the palm." Now I'm not about to go judging other people's lifestyles, but people who practice alternative lifestyles are just plain dumb. American reader, what would you rather do...paint your nails, or eat macaroni and cheese? I think the answer is simple. Besides, you'd never catch tough guys like Bruce Willis and Tom Selleck kissing guys. No siree, Bob. This lack of true love in Hollywood means that "Hollywood Marriages" (meaning "the blessed union of two famous people who now have the right to punch cameramen and stroll around on nude beaches") rarely work. Elizabeth Taylor has married most of Hollywood, and divorced them all. Mariah Carey and that head of Sony Entertainment guy got divorced, either because of "emotional problems," or Mariah realized that she's already rich as Hell. Dennis Rodman and Carmen Electra were married, but things just couldn't be worked out. The two DID have a child though, who defied all the odds and now plays the antagonist to Drew Carey. But one marriage stands above all. One partner is a celebrated actress, who speaks with about six different accents and, in her spare time, gets her swerve on during a Broadway show, whether she's in it or not. The other is a celebrated actor, who's memorable performance in "Top Gun" makes me forget how bad "Interview with a Vampire" was. They might be gay, they might be 90% synthetic, but Cruise and Kidman's marriage has lasted much longer than anyone could've imagined. But, alas, even paradise, subsequently, is lost.
::sigh:: What the world needs now, is love. Sweet love. And more waterslides. MOVES_______
I can hear Tony bellowing "SIDEWALK SLAM!" right now.
Kidman has some of the coolest moves in wrestling. Most of them involve him
hurling himself or his opponent into the air, striking a pose reminiscent of a Todd
McFarlane splash page, and then driving some random body part into the mat. His
style is reminiscent of great high-flyers around the world, such as Hayabusa, Great
Sasuke, and "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan. Kidman's finisher of choice is the
Shooting Star Press, the Finisher Formerly Known as the Seven Year Itch. Kidman does
a full inverted 270 spin from the top rope and nails the splash. I remember seeing
Marvelous Johnny B. Wildman Marc Mero debut this move in the WWF, and thought, "WOW!
What a great move! I wish somebody who didn't suck ape-crotch would use
it!" My wishes were granted. ALTERNATE PERSONALITIES_______
BK's first run in the WCW was less than memorable. He was a sissy in monochrome pants who'd pump his fists when he was excited. Here we see him showing the world how many matches he won in his first two years in the sport. Kidman was regulated to jobbing to Beautiful Bobby on WCW {Pro} until that fateful day when, without explanation, he stopped taking showers.
Itchy Kidman was born. And this is something I've never figured out. Everybody essentially hated the Flock, right? Kidman went from hanging out with Jim Powers and Renegade to hanging out with Reese and Sick Boy. Not much of an improvement, right? He was ugly in the ring, had greasy hair, bad hygeine, and repeatedly scratched himself in public. He looked like Courtney Love's little brother. But all of a sudden, even though he consistantly lost, he was popular. Who knows. Maybe chicks dig the "I live in the basement and play Dungeons and Dragons" look. Saturn smacked the bitch up one day and told him that he was the most talented cruiserweight in WCW, and that he needed to start bathing again. Saturn also told him to wear eyeshadow and dress up like Bo-Peep, but thankfully that angle was dropped. Kidman took a shower and instantly made his way into our hearts...
...as the host of Blues Clues on Nickelodeon. His intelligence actually DROPPED from Flock Level, though. It was almost impossible to face him in the ring. The most memorable match-up was one against Super Calo, in which Calo showed Billy the contract and began to punch him repeatedly in the face. Kidman had NO idea what was going on. It was only until a young boy in the front row shouted out "RING!" that Kidman figured out that the thuggish ruggish luchador wanted to have a wrestling match. Kidman wrote down the clues in his handy-dandy notebook, and has been a star ever since.
Tom Cruise's most memorable role is that of Maverick, an escapee from the Weapon X program who flies planes, hates Val Kilmer, and kills Anthony Edwards. "Top Gun" is one of my all-time favorite movies. Not because of the intense action sequences, the breath-taking visuals, or the epic granduer of a young man's quest to live up to the memory of his father. I love it because nothing gives me a bigger rush than cranking Kenny Loggins and running really fast! Kick off your Sunday shoes! Everybody cut, everybody cut! Chicks dig me, what can I say.
"I LOOOOOOOVE BLACK PEEEOPLEEEE!!!!!!"
The role that made Tom Cruise a superstar though was the role of an
archeologist who collects rare artifacts and is afraid of snakes! The Indiana Jones
franchise is as popular as ever, but it is in "Temple of Doom" that Tom loses
this category. It is in "Temple" that the hero learns to run away from
Nazi's and giant balls. Kidman has Indiana Jones defeated on both accounts. He
has defeated Alex Wright. BUDDIES_______
Kidman's best buddy nowadays IS a wild and crazy kid, Rey Mysterio
Jr. Don't you ever wonder what happened to the WCW Booking Committee's (Nash and
Page's) common sense? Here's my problem. You know all the high-flying and
lucha-madness that fills cruiserweight matches these days? About 90% of the credit
for that belongs to Rey Jr., who, since he was 14, has been busting his burro to
revolutionize the sport. He's been voted pound-for-pound the best wrestler in the
world more than anyone, and has achieved legendary status before his mid-twenties.
But he wore a mask, so WCW punked him down and made him lose to people like Juvy.
THEN...THEN they come up with the bright idea that he'd be a better wrestler without his
mask or something, and deal him the ultimate shame. THEN...even though Rey Jr. has
revolutionized the sport and all that fun stuff, AFTER they take his mask off and make him
into Konnan's skinny little brother...he gets wins over Kevin Nash, Scott FREAKING Norton,
Bam Bam Bigelow, wins the Cruiserweight Title from Kidman, beats Ric Flair and SHOULD'VE
become the WORLD CHAMPION, and then beats Malenko and Benoit for the Tag Team
Titles!!! What the HELL?? I love Rey Jr. to pieces, but let's have some
realism folks. You don't struggle to beat El Dandy one week and then beat the Nature
Boy down the next. ::sigh:: When does RAW come on? CHICKS_______
Kidman SWEARS that the Cruiserweight Gold is a "great way to get chicks," but the coolest chick I've ever seen him hang out with is Juventud.
Juventud looks like Konnan's gay cousin. And don't get
offended, we all have gay cousins. My cousin Brad went to see "Cats" for
his birthday and gets "Ballet Magazine" in the mail. Juvy probably shows
up at Christmas parties and tries to pal around with the guys, but then gets his feelings
hurt when they won't look him in the eye. FAMOUS FOLLOWERS_______
Here we see Tom Cruise proving that those rumors about him being gay are totally true. Tom Cruise is the object of Rosie O'Donnell's affection, which is kinda like having your crotch sniffed by a big dog. But imagine if the dog had a really high pitched voice, and sang crappy songs all the time about M&M's or whatever. You'd probably want to rip the dog's throat out, right? But hey now, don't misunderstand me. I don't want to rip Rosie O'Donnell's throat out. Then I wouldn't get to watch those FABULOUS K-Mart commercials. I know how bad it is when somebody totally unattractive has a crush on you. In high school, Lisa Clingempeel had a crush on me. But she was really peppy and had the body of a 10 year old boy. I was too busy pining over my dream girl, Karla, to show her any attention.
Even though I was twenty pounds overweight and had an acne problem,
I just KNEW that Karla would fall madly in love with me, and we'd live in my basement and
play Dungeons and Dragons. Hahaha, I'm kidding, I don't play Dungeons and Dragons.
But I did have a bowl haircut and a pissant disposition. I never figured out
why Karla didn't want to go out with me. I'm a great person. It's sad to think
that people judge you on the way you look! Jeez. I know I'd never stoop to
that level. RESULTS_______
THE WINNER, 3-2
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