April 17th, 1999

Fear.  Fear makes your heartbeat and your breath move faster.   It sends shivers down your spine, and, depending on how masculine you are, feces to your underwear.  It drives men to madness, or, in more specified environments, to the Macho Man.  Nevertheless, it's a safe bet to say that you, the reader, are afraid of something.  Oh, come on, don't be a dork about it, you know something scares you.   Every human being who's ever lived has had a fear of at least something.   Well, except for John Wayne, but he just shot everybody.  Oh, and Daredevil, because he's the "Man Without Fear!"  But other than those two rare exceptions, you're all a bunch of pansy asses.

I, on the other hand, possess fears that would send those aforementioned feces into those aforementioned drawers.  In fact, my fears could send OTHER people's feces into your drawers!  So there!  Conveniently listed below are the things I fear most in the world:

Things Swan Fears
Nuclear War
Those pictures of Scary Spice naked and pregnant on the net
Papa Shango
The idea that I may never see the last episode of Alf
The idea that Mad About You could be renewed for another season
Random street crime
Random attacks from Black Ninja Teams
Pirates tryin' ta plunder me gold
Snakes Nuclear War
Those pictures of Scary Spice naked and pregnant on the net
Papa Shango
The idea that I may never see the last episode of Alf
The idea that Mad About You could be renewed for another season
Random street crime
Random attacks from Black Ninja Teams
Pirates tryin' ta plunder me gold
Snakes Nuclear War
Those pictures of Scary Spice naked and pregnant on the net
Papa Shango
The idea that I may never see the last episode of Alf
The idea that Mad About You could be renewed for another season
Random street crime
Random attacks from Black Ninja Teams
Pirates tryin' ta plunder me gold
Snakes

Snakes, you ask?  While snakes present a much lower risk of death than nuclear war or even the ninja attack, snakes are grotesque things that really bother me.  It's like someone gave life to Tommy Lee's member and it's just slithering around on the ground.  Don't laugh, you've seen that XXX HOT HONEYMOON VIDEO OH YES BABY GIVE IT UP, so you know what I mean.  Snake attacks kill millions of people every year, and I don't think our situation is looking any better.   They're like a legion of garden hoses, ready to pay us back for all that Slip'n'Slide abuse from the 80's.

However, mankind (the species, not the wrestler) has found a new way to rise above this possible snake Armageddon.  And after we figured out that the board with a nail in it couldn't kill ALL the snakes, we decided to be their friends.  OR DID WE?!?  There are those in the world, the really dastardly ones, the ones who'd violate your dog, who have actually befriended the snakes.  What happens when evil doers collide?  If this were TGIF I'd say "hilarity ensues," but this just isn't a perfect world.  ::pause for this "movie moment"::

God help us.

	VS.
JAKE "The Snake" ROBERTS		COBRA COMMANDER (non-gay version)

WHO DOES MORE EVIL_______
Cobra is a ruthless terrorist organization determined to rule the world.  To do so, they basically just attack GI Joe guys over and over, so don't explain to me how that's doing much evil.  Consider the evidence.  Cobra Commander has a least a few thousand troops at his disposal, all with technologically advanced weapons, vehicles, and robots.  ROBOTS.  He's got an army of robots that make the Foot Clan look like a group of nobodies who get beat up all the time, and he still can't ever win a fight.  He could easily saunter into the United Nations and blow most of Sri Lanka into Papua New Guinea.  What he does, on the other hand, is try to steal some satellite dish or machine that will cause an energy crisis or something...I guess when you take orders from a guy dressed like a snake and your best friend has a metal mask with moving lips you have to prioritize.

What does Jake do that is so evil?  Let me count the ways.   The first thing that comes to mind is when he sicced Damian, his pet snake onto the Macho Man, and Madness takes one for the team.  This is all well and good for bald old crazy men, but when he tried to do the exact same thing to Sting (in one of the rare occasions when the WCW does something that the WWF did first ::coughhardcoredivisioncough::), the snake somehow made Jake wrap his hand around it and pull it's teeth to Jake's neck.  I know wrestling is fake, but when a guy pulls the snake that's attacking him away from him, checks it, and then puts it back, it's almost like the Black Scorpion is still around.  BUT, and get this, whenever Jake would win a match?  He'd take this deadly, huge snake from the bag and...and...lay it on the person!  AAAAAH! 

.....

Does this sound as retarded to you as it does to me?  What is the snake supposed to do, give the opponent a rash or something?  So this is my quandary.  I've got one guy who tries to do evil and can't ever win a fight regardless of how much firepower he has, and one guy who lays his snake on people when they lose and is most famous for letting Steve Austin cripple him.  It sounds like an even category, sure, but Jake wins hands down.  Why?  HE KILLED THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR!!!  Thanks to some tomfoolery from the Undertaker, the Warrior, a beloved hero to one and all, was lured into the snake pit, where he fell down and was never seen again.  But, on some moonlit night, if you look up in the sky, you may see the lonesome image of the Warrior signal, shining over Gotham.  Oh, and if you say "Bloody Warrior" three times into a mirror in the dark, and you are not Eric Bischoff,  you will see Warrior laughing and/or talking to his hands.  Losing Warrior was sad, at least we still have the Renegade.
ADVANTAGE:  Jake "The Snake" Roberts

ENEMIES_______

While we're on the subject of how gay the WWF used to be, let's consider the absolute, positive WORST match in televised history.  The blindfold match between Jake the Snake Roberts and the man to your left, "The Model" Rick Martel.  Jake was blinded by "Arrogance," the clever name of Mr. Martel's perfume.  A better name for his perfume would've been "Flamer in Pink Speedos," because that more accurately describes my feelings towards said individual.  Martel bored me as a member of Strike Force, he bored me as a member of the Can-Am Connection, he bored me as the Z-Man, and he bored me as Rick Martel, WCW mater of the "Quebec Crab," which sounds like something Margaret Thatcher got from shagging all those French dudes.

If you're unfamiliar with the idea of a "blindfold match," this is the scenario.  You take two guys in the ring.  You put black hoods over their heads, so they can't see each other or know where they are.  In front of 20,000 fans.  So basically you've got 19,999 fans at the concession stand buying jumbo wieners while two uninteresting wrestlers crawl around the ring with their hands out like their Jehovah's Witnesses or something.   Personally, this match ranks up there with World War II, the Vietnam War, "Dante's Peak," and Ginger Spice leaving the Spice Girls as the most horrible events of the century.  Well, if you don't count me missing the last episode of Alf.

As if Martel wasn't bad enough by himself.

This category partially explains why Cobra Commander is such a dumbass.  He has to face the highly trained special mission force, who's purpose is to basically just kick Cobra in the nuts over and over and over until they eventually just stop showing up, G.I. Joe.  These guys, along with the Hulkster and Derringer, are real American heroes.  It makes you wonder why G.I. Joe never did anything of merit, though.  The government spends all this money to buy them turbo motorcycles, training facilities, and hovercrafts with rocket launchers on them, but did they help us in the Vietnam War?  No, they left that to grizzled old men in wheelchairs.  The Gulf War?  No, they left that up to Norman Schwartzenegger and Road Dogg.  Anything?   No, because all they monitor is Cobra.  The only thing that marginally makes up for G.I. Joe's uselessness is their groundbreaking contributions to the 1970's Disco community.

The Joes combined their efforts to produce what is governmentally noticed as the worst song lyrics outside of an Addams Family movie.

If you like adventure
Don't you wait to enter
The recruiting office fast
Don't you hesitate
There is no need to wait
They're signing up new seamen fast!

This actually explains a lot about the G.I. Joe recruiting methods.  Do you think Big Lobb got into the Joes because they thought his basketball metaphors would help motivate them to defeat Cobra?  Do you think Beach Head became fifth in command of the Joes because they thought his green ski-mask was neat?   All they needed was for Falcon to drain the seamen out of their Don Johnsons and all of a sudden they were "Joes," faster than it takes to get the clothes off of Lisa Boyle.  And don't even make me MENTION the Sarge.

'Nuff said.
ADVANTAGE:  Cobra Commander

ALLIES_______
Crashing through the sky, comes the fearful cry.  COBRA!  Can the world oppose, deadliest of foes?  COBRA!  In retrospect, if the entire G.I. Joes series had been like the first four minutes of the movie, it probably would've brought peace to the free world with it's unparalleled coolness.  Come to think of it, if the MOVIE had been like the first four minutes of the movie, I probably could sit through the whole thing.  Cobra Commander combats the Joes by sounding a lot like Starscream from the Transformers and by utilizing his special Olympics army.  His most notable henchmen are the Dreadnoks, lead by Zartan.  Zartan has a rare skin disease that makes him turn blue when he's in the sunlight, but most people think he's just trying to escape the iron fist of "whitey."  Zartan hooked up with fellow awful BadBoy recording artist Jay-Z to popularize the Dreadnoks for the hip-hop crowd.  Not to be outdone by the Joes, Cobra released their own songs.

It's a Dreadnok life, for us.
It's a Dreadnok life, for us!
Instead of winning, we get licked.
We say "bloody," our ass gets kicked.
It's a Dreadnok life!

At least I think that's how it goes.  Cobra's talent roster doesn't stop there, mind you.  No sir!  One of the most annoying duos in recorded history has to be Mary Kate and Etak Yram, the evil twins that wear quasi-musketeer gear and finish each others sentences.  These activities are very similar to my parents, actually, but my parents don't finish each other sentences.

Mary Kate is the one without the scar.  Storm Shadow still stands as the coolest villain in G.I. Joe lore, but he made a face turn not unlike that of the Hulkster.  The only other villain of merit is Destro, who is nothing more than Bret Hart with a metal head.  I'll refer to silver-headed Destro here, because I can speak for everyone when I say that his gold head was pretty queer.  Destro didn't do much but complain, and tell Cobra Commander and the Baroness how stupid they were, and fly around in that little TIE fighter looking vehicle.  I keep waiting for Destro to hit Serpentor over the head with a steel chair and then put him in the figure-four around the ringpost.

Sure, Destro might not sound like much, but he's got a cool butterfly collar, which is more than I can say for Jake "The Snake" Roberts' protégé, Aldo Montoya, the Portuguese Man of War.  The only wrestler with enough backbone to be named after a jellyfish.

With his Fit Finlay shoulderpads and his yellow jockstrap tied securely around his head, PJ Walker stood proud as the only wrestler who comes close to being as gaudy as "Max Moon."  Aldo was a jobber to the stars, as well as a jobber to people who weren't stars, and most people over the age of twelve.  Jake taught him the DDT (a move so complex that Aldo couldn't figure it out himself), which won him a victory over Jerry "The King" Lawler a good eight or nine years past his prime.  The King got his revenge though, by pouring liquor down Aldo's throat.   Poor Aldo laid there on the mat, gagging, because his jellyfish makeup couldn't handle such an adult form of refreshment.  Hopefully, Aldo Montoya will never wrestle again.  But knowing my luck, I'll find out that he dropped the mask and became the new Extreme Icon or something.  HA!  Like that'll happen! 
ADVANTAGE:  Cooooobraaaaaaaaaa....COOOBRAAAA!!!!

WRESTLING FOR JESUS_______
Jake "the Snake" had a problem.  He got addicted to drugs and alcohol, and accidentally beat Konnan in Mexico and took his mask.  Jake was tired of the wrestling life, where he'd fly from city to city, get piss drunk and then score with a bunch of big-breasted hookers.  Truth be known, I'm assuming that the hookers got tired of HIM, because no hooker I've ever known likes to have a snake crawl on them after sex.  Anyway, after Jake decided to leave the WWF as a Superstar, he decided to examine his life, and take out the things that he didn't need.  He got rid of the drugs, the sex, the alcohol, but he kept carrying a snake around.  Explain that one to me.  After seeing Rowdy Roddy Piper compete on Nitro, Jake realized that he was JUST fat enough and JUST old enough to try to make a comeback.  There was only one problem...he didn't have Damian anymore.  Any wrestling fan can remember how cool it was to watch Earthquake jump and squat on Damian, smushing him into an opaque goo.   It's the only animal murder I can remember in wrestling history, though I wish Koko B. Ware had experienced the same fate.  So what did Jake do?  He decided to be religious.  The loss of a snake will do that to a man.  My online assistant "AMC" Dave provided me with this emotional quote from Jake:

"I have wrestled 18 years professionally with the WWF, WCW, and have appeared on numerous TV and talk shows, including Arsenio Hall and Regis & Kathy Lee. All my professional goals were filled beyond my wildest dreams, yet I was full of anger, loneliness, and despair. Battling drugs and addictions, destruction was heading my way. I'm proud to testify that Jesus has changed my life.....now I'm wrestling for Him.   And then I'm going to go get liquored up and give Him the DDT, and then go put my snake all over those Catholic school-girls!  Ah cha cha cha!"

Shortly after that, Stone Cold Steve Austin ended Jake's career, and, while mocking Jake's religious convictions, came up with his memorable catchphrase "OH HELL YEAH."  Then Austin drove a jet plane into the arena and killed Jesus on the spot, to an arena full of screaming fans.  The rest of the Los Boriquas could only watch from a distance.  And then they shaved Miguel's back.
ADVANTAGE:  Feed Jake....he's been a good dog....  *what a great song*

HOT CHICKS_______
Ouch, I'm really stretching here.   Especially since this is a fight between a lunatic obsessed with taking over the world and an old, fat, drunken wrestler who should've just stepped on Ricky Steamboat's toes.  I can't think of any girl besides possibly Rockin' Robin that would have anything remotely to do with a guy who looks like my uncle on a bender.  And for Cobra, all of the hot chicks were Joes.   Lady Jaye was the Susan St. James of the group, either because she looked like a character from Cagney and Lacey or because she just went "OOOH!" everytime something happened.  Scarlett was the hot red head of the team, but she couldn't fight her way out of a paper bag and kept pulling a Jean Grey by talking to Snake Eyes in his mind or something.  Helicopter accidents do that sometimes.  But I guess I could give a nod to Baroness, the European aristocrat who serves as the intelligence officer for Cobra, and sings folk songs sometimes.

And you say...I only hear what I want to. 
ADVANTAGE:  Cobra Comahn-derr

RESULTS_______
"Trust me....trust me..."

Jake the Snake comes out, looking for a fight with Jim Beam in hand.  All of a sudden, a giant bulldozer with grappling hooks on the wheels and nuke cannons all around comes breaking into the arena.  Atop the monstrous vehicle is Cobra Commander, happy because continuity has made him the badguy everybody liked, not Serpentor, Destro, or even Dr. Mindmember.  As a shower of blue laser lights fire all around Jake (never actually hitting him), Jake stumbles and falls, because he's a drunk and should've stopped wrestling years ago.  Jake attempts to flee, swearing that "he'll make a comeback, and be better than ever!  Just look at Hacksaw Jim Duggan!"

Cobra Commander proceeds to throw Jake in jail for not paying child support.  Fear this.

THE WINNER, 3-2
he once was a maaaaaaaaaan!!!!
COBRA COMMANDER

Taking over the world, one fiendish plan at a time.