May 22nd, 1999

NOTE:  IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN EPISODE 1 YET, THEN YOU MIGHT NOT WANT TO READ THIS FIGHT.  IT FEATURES POSSIBLE SPOILERS, AND SOME NASTY PICTURES OF ROSIE O'DONNELL TAKING IT UP THE ASS.  PLEASE, USE DISCRETION.

I know this sounds like something out of the last fight I did, but the last movie that I can consciously remember waiting in line beforehand to see was the first "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" movie, which got my little burg of Danville, Virginia so hyped up that I had to wait in line for two hours and then go eat at Burger King. But on May 18th, all of that changed, as I took to the masses and sat on the steps outside of my local movie house, waiting to see "Star Wars: Episode 1: Don't be a Phantom Menace to Society While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood," starring Natalie Portman as Queen Amidala and Marlon Wayans as Darth Maul. Killer stuff, except I'd heard a spoiler a few weeks earlier that Darth Maul says "daaay-um!!!" a lot and refers to his dual-saber as a "jimmy."

But nevertheless, I sat amongst the kids playing with lightsabers and the grown-up fanboys playing with lightsabers outside of the theater, and proved my undying devotion to the "Star Wars" franchise by playing Tetris on Aaron's Gameboy for like three hours. The news crew standing by filmed the little dorks going "heeyah" a lot, and even interviewed the proprietor of my local comic book shop. Unfortunately, I was not able to get on camera and use my quick-wit to utilize the word "wookie" in some kind of clever euphemism. I should've asked the newslady if she'd like to see me dangle my "Boba Fett" over her "Sarlaac," but perhaps that would've been in poor taste. Boba Fett DIED in that Sarlaac, and we should never make fun of the dead.

Somehow we got in to see the 12:01 AM showing. This was all strange and new to me, 'cause the last movie I watched at 12:01 AM was on Cinemax and featured Traci Lords as a cold-blooded femme fatale! I would say that sitting in a rather uncomfortable movie seat surrounded by fanboys and listening to the same Backstreet Boys song on "Movie Tunes" with only the mighty Tetris to appease me for three hours was something I regret doing, but there's nothing (that doesn't involve dinosaurs that speak) more fun on this earth than hearing "STAR WAAAARS!!! WHOOOOOO!!!!" a couple hundred times.

But enough about me, how was your day? REALLY? Wow, that's great. Uh, here's a fight.

	VS.
ANAKIN SKYWALKER		JIMMY WOODS

Just in case you couldn't tell by my intro, this is a fight of the two child stars in the two greatest movies about Nintendo games in history. Jimmy was the protagonist in "The Wizard," which was only good because it featured Super Mario Bros. 3. Anakin is the protagonist of the aforementioned "Star Wars" film, which is basically just a long commercial for F-Zero. Pod Racing! Yipee!

ACTING ABILITY_______
"The Wizard" is the story of a young man's quest to do something, but nobody really paid much attention because we only went to see the movie to get a first look at Mario 3. In fact, you'd be shocked to find out that many people in my generation love this movie, purely for the fact that a video game that everyone eventually owned was on-screen for about a minute and a half. You'd also be shocked to find out that many people in my generation smoke enough pot to give shade to most of China and can understand the words to any Nirvana song. Jimmy Woods is played by Luke Edwards, who's only other two movies worth mentioning are "Little Big League" and that "Kid in King Arthur's Court" movie that's in the "Leg-Up" children's section of your local video store next to the Jonathan Taylor Thomas version of Pinnochio, where JTT smarts off and Japetto goes "ARR ARR ARR" and then blows up.

Jimmy wins this category, however, because Jake Lloyd, the kid who played Anakin Skywalker, was an even worse actor than the CGI Ebonics Rabbit. Sure, he's a kid, and kid actors are never that great, but his emotionless "YIPEEE's" made me feel like I was watching an old Porky Pig cartoon. And we won't even get into the scene where the 10-year old Anakin and the 17-year old Natalie Portman get all hot and bothered and tell each other how much they care for each other. If you haven't seen the movie and you think I'm making this up, then you'll be as surprised as those guys in the row in front of me when Obi-Won whipped out his dong when you see it. Anakin (who gets the masculine title of "Annie" throughout the film) reminded me of those washed-up Hollywood tough-men who end up starring in cop movies with inanimate objects or monkies. They sound like they're reading DIRECTLY from the script, just kinda stand there, and then keep their eyes closed when the monkey starts making out with them in the bed! *tee hee!* Hollywood kicks ass!
ADVANTAGE: Jimmy Woods

CO-STARS_______

Should Anakin win this category, because he is the star of the movie about people fighting in space? Perhaps, but let us analyze our co-stars: First, there's Liam Neeson, who looks like Sean Penn's pissed off uncle, who delivers one of the more disturbing moments of the film by telling Anakin to "take it off." Or "tell them to take off," or something, I couldn't really hear cause the fat guy next to me was breathing kinda hard. Then there is Ewan McGregor, who plays heroin-addict Obi-Wan Jabrone, who kicks heavy-duty booty in the movie, but wears a braid/ponytail haircut that makes him look like a backup dancer for Prince. Rounding out this merry bunch are Samuel L. Jackson ("Mace Windu"), the guy who plays Darth Maul ("Darth Maul"), Natalie Portman ("Queen Jailbait"), Anthony Daniels ("Gay Robot"), and Kenny Baker ("haha that guy's a midget"). But even a cameo apperance by the guy from "Willow" can save this category from the ultimate Necromancer...

Fred Savage! From his weekly mis-adventures in the forest with Winnie Cooper and Manson on "The Wonder Years" to his Oscar Winning (tm) performance as the "Stupid Adult" in "Vice Versa," Savage has won our hearts with his unique combination of adolescent wonder and horizontally-striped shirts. In fact, if I were George Lucas, I would've ripped something ELSE off from "The Wonder Years" (besides space travel) and had the adult Anakin think back wistfully on his childhood.

James Earl Jones: (::hisssss::) I can think back to a time, (::haaaah::) when the Rebellion was in turmoil. (::heeeee::) Dad never understood that a girl like Queen Amidala (::more Darth Vader noises::) would not "feel the force" with someone who drove a station wagon. (::hissss::)

...and so on. Also, I think it'd be funny to see Kevin slowly close his hand and choke Paul to death in the lunchroom.

ADVANTAGE: The Wizard

CHICKS_______
With two child actors in the fight, I HAD to find some excuse to bring women into this fight. But don't think I'm a pedophile or anything.

Anyway, Anakin, as discussed above, gets his "swerve" on with Queen Amadamadingdong. Okay, this proves that George Lucas knows more about women than anybody in the world. All this 10-year old kid does is call her an "angel," win a pod race, and be a slave boy...so naturally, Natalie FREAKING Portman wants to drop his "Boba Fett" into her "Sarlaac." And since child molestation (and this fight) are beginning to frighten me, I think I'll save it, work on it later, and be happy that I came up with that Boba Fett euphemism. I bet it'll make all the boys in the Magic room laugh!  But come to think of it, the boys in the Magic room only laugh about jokes involving sheep and computer parts, so they will all recieve the Stone Cold Stunner for their efforts.  Anakin's attempts to smack his lightsaber against Natalie Portman's dark side can be paralleled with Jimmy Woods' quest to get the high score on Haley, the fiesty fireball nomad girl and linebacker for the San Francisco 49ers.

Haley is played by Jenny Lewis, who is famous for being the girl from "The Wizard" and for having hair that makes her look like she's wearing a toilet seat cover on her head.   Haley was primarily the forbidden love interest of Fred Savage, and was impressed (as we all were as children) that Fred used the word "ass" so flippantly when discussing Double Dragon.  Haley proved to be more than the token female...she was actually the villain of the film.  My online assistant Dave provides you with some insight on this idealism:

I'm a cowboy.  On a steel horse I ride.  I'm wanted ...WANTED.  Dead or Alive.

Crap, that wasn't Dave, that was Bon Jovi.  Anyway...

There were Freddie and Jimmy, feelin' fine and skateboarding down miles of highway. Then, in a totally illogical plot twist, meet Haley. She has some women issues but all she really does is make bets and lose their video game money. I do recall that Freddie and Jimmy were in such of a situation that the song "SEND ME AN ANGEL" started playing, too, totally ruining the next scene of more video games.

Any woman who causes you to miss playing Rad Racer needs a C-battery and a pleasant and unabusive kick to the nearest curb.
ADVANTAGE:  ANAKIN...TELL NATALIE TO TAKE IT OFF!

WHERE ARE THEY NOW?_______
The stars of "The Wizard" have all earned endearing places in the hearts of men and women across the country, in decidedly different ways.

Haley, just in case you're skimming the fight to see if there are any almost naked girls here, played the strong matriarch in the movie.  Besides "The Wizard," I can remember Jenny Lewis in the movie "Stepkids," not because I've seen it or that it was a good movie, but because it's one of the trailers at the beginning of the "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II" video.  However, in my search for a recent picture, I found out that she starred in the "teenage girl empowerment" movie "Foxfire," which, according to Entertainment Weekly, is the third highest grossing "teenage girl empowerment" movie in history, right behind "Sixteen Candles" and "Army of Darkness."  As you can plainly see, puberty didn't really help her out much, because now she looks like one of those college students who sits outside the dorm smoking all day, complaining about how there's nothing to do.  

Fred Savage went from super-child star to mediocre Hollywood Squares celebrity status.  Since "The Wonder Years" went off the air and he didn't have the masterful Jason Harvey to watch his back, Fred has starred in a few independent (read: "bad") movies and a television show called "Working."  "Working" was one of the most original shows on television, because it featured smart-aleck young people in an office setting!  If there was a snippy red-head, a gay guy, and a theme song sung by some random studio singers trying to sound like the Backstreet Boys, NBC would have a hit on their hands!  But alas, "Working" suffered the same fate as "Suddenly Susan," as all of its stars were horribly burned by acid.  Fred, with his stripper girlfriend Gorgeous George, is currently battling Rowdy Roddy Piper's control of World Championship Wrestling and beating women.  His advice to up-and-coming actors?   "Snap into it, OOOOH yeah.  DIG IT!"  And then he punches them all.

Luke Edwards, aka Jimmy Woods, aka "The Wizard," aka Baron Zemo, has been lost to us for years now.  While playing Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!!, a poorly done, green CGI man came out of his television and sucked him into the "Ultimate Warp Zone."   Now the hero of Videoland, Jimmy battles with heroes and villains of the Nintendo Universe, including Simon Belmont, Eggplant Wizard, the guy from Excitebike, "Mike" from Super Dodgeball, a boy (and his blob), Kid Icarus, Andy Griffith, and the ever-popular "Jigglypuff."  Videoland is run by Princess Lana, who is not really a princess at all, because the princess (as we all know) is "in another castle." Jimmy still hasn't found his disembowled twin sister yet, because there are no big plastic dinosaurs in Videoland, unless you count the Sega Saturn.

I wonder if during sex, Captain N yells "PAUSE!"  I bet it gives him a "1-up."

Anakin Skywalker is...well, the movie opened 2 days ago?  So that would make him still a child star.  Oh well, at least he hasn't screwed up his life yet.  Let's hope that Jake Lloyd doesn't let fame go to his head and end him up in jail, like Todd Bridges.  Let's hope he leads a long and happy life, like Dana Plato.
ADVANTAGE:  Anakin 

THE DARK SIDE FACTOR_______
As we all know, anything that has "Star Wars" written on it is going to worth a lot of money.  Darth Maul's face on the side of Mountain Dew bottles, the Senator Palpatine action figure, the Queen Amadongo paper doll book, the Ewan McGregor "shoot-up" kit, the Mace Windu personal diary ("Do you know what they call the Force in France?  La Force"), and many other things that a sane human being could live without.  My personal favorite is the Natalie Portman bubble bath, which is just a bottle of bubble bath with a plastic Natalie Portman head on it.   Unfortunately there is no Chewbacca conditioner, because I want my hair to have that same rustled Harrison Ford look.  But anyway, Anakin is destined to be consumed by the Dark Side (also known as "eating at Shoney's").  It will be a hard knock life for Annie, as he grows to become the most evil man in the universe, Darth Vader.

So even though he's won countless World Championships, ended Yokozuna's career, crippled Sting, and made spandex with your motto on it no laughing matter, Darth Vader is destined to job to every person in the WWF and Star Wars Universe, until he is eventually defeated on Boy Meets World, where his fishnet mask is removed to reveal the withered form of James Earl Jones.  There will be a really obscure reference to "The Bingo Long Traveling All-Stars & Motor Kings," and then he'll die.  Oh well.
ADVANTAGE:  The bad actor...wait....

RESULTS_______
After a grueling and poorly acted final battle, and not taking into consideration that Luke Edwards is a teenager now and probably has a gun and could just shoot Anakin, one of the child actors emerges victorious.  What if dreams came true?  And you could be who you wanted to be?  You could do what you wanted to do?  And you could score with Natalie Portman, even though you're a little kid?  What if dreams came true?  And the world opened up...and you were never....EeeeeeeEEEEEVER...afraid.   What if dreams came true?  But dreams DO come true....don't they?

Heh...that was for Dare, I admit it :)

THE WINNER
SUPER DODGEBALL

just for the sake of being random.  Super Dodgeball kicks ass!  KICK IT!