September 1st, 2001
By Tommy

(WRITERS NOTE: This fight is in loving tribute to Brandon’s strange obsession with this song. And there are a lot of pictures so if you're on a dial up connection go get a snack, take a leak and then come back. I'll wait, I promise.  Also, I know Kyle is teh Jew, I just forgot when I wrote this so pretend ok?)

I remember the first time I heard the song “Stan”, I was watching Mtv late at night and the remote was too far away to bother with it and I decided to go ahead and watch it. I was instantly hooked by the chorus which is actually the first verse of the Dido song “Thank You” but that’s not what really drew me into the song. It was a powerful piece about fans who put celebrities on pedestals that are way too high. With this song Eminem proved himself to be a true songwriter and master of lyrics. The first time I saw an episode of South Park I remember thinking, “I bet any one of these kids could whoop Eminem’s ass.”

That soothing music you hear is Stan by Eminem.

I like boys! VS That's pretty fucked up right there.
EMINEM STAN

DurabilityI'm a SUPASTAR!
Eminem is a gangster rapper and Stan is a little kid so exactly how is that fair? Well let's look at the facts. Eminem is a white, heterosexual male who was brought up in a Christian home. He enjoys long walks on the beach and lesbian folk music. Stan is Jewish, he killed Jesus.
Advantage: Stan

Legal Troubles
Eminem has a notorious reputation for getting himself into trouble. Just last year he was arrested for the murder of three prostitutes, eight babies, four small dogs and a mongoose. He was cleared of all charges because of his very nice suit and stunning good looks. Stan on the other hand is forever in trouble. The little miscreant spends night after night in illegal cookie factories which force slave labor onto mentally handicapped and ugly children. Once after a night of carousing with the retards, he was seen entering a known crack house and traded two small red headed children and a  twelve year old kid who constantly tries to bite his shoulder for three pages of the original manuscript of Howard The Duck.

Why is they always trin to keep a brutha down?

For the love of GOD, stop singing!

Advantage: Stan

Love Sweet Love
Like most young American boys, these two share a common pain, their respective true loves just don't love them back. In Stans case it's because every time he sees her, he projectile vomits, usually in her face. While some of us may enjoy this type of thing (hi Matt!) most people don't take to it very well. At least in this case Wendy really likes Stan, she just can't get past his weird fetishes. Eminem on the other hand, uses his third grade social skills to publicly humiliate the one he loves most. He's written songs about her performing fellatio on other celebrities, giving him VD and every day he stands outside her bedroom window singing Tears Of A Clown over and over until she calls the police. No matter hoe "G" he is you don't want to mess with the Police, Sting is one bad mamma jamma especially if he brings out the baseball bat and turkey vulture.

You ruined it now, I hope you can't sleep and you dream about it

SARXAY!

Advantage: Kyle

Celebrity Friends

Eminem's pals Stan's pals
Napster takes food outta my babies mouths. Except the ones I blame on Ice Cube. Gay skaters make the best pals!
Now now, it doesn't matter if your talented as long as you've got a hat on. "Hello, yes, I'm much too talented to be in this horrible joke."
"If this fag gives me AIDS I'm gonna show you a hate crime." "Wasn't I in the other column?"

Advantage: Stan, he's got Robert Smith for Christ's sake!

Behind The Music
Marshal Mathers started his long climb to the top in the fall of 1995. In a small club on the outskirts of Boise Idaho he began charging $5 per person for what the locals will only describe as a "rimjob" to any of the patrons of the "Bullwhip Saloon". He quickly made a reputation for himself as a real "go getter" and more than once was referred to in the industry trades as a "human cum dumpster". Riding on his already successful gargling career he moved from this small town to the bright light of the biggest city of all, Cleveland Ohio. In Cleveland he met the man who would soon be his mentor, rap producer Dr Dre, also known as Linwood Ortega III. Linwood and Marshal became fast friends and were soon partying it up in extravagant hotels like the "Econo Lodge" and "Budget Inn". During this time he met a woman he would grow to despise with every fiber of his being. After he attempted to murder her for the eighth time, Dre decides there are too many complications in Ohio and moves his ward out to LA where they continue to fight crime to this day.

I have nothing to do with this catagory but this fight is seriously lacking in hot chicks. Unless you count stick girl up there. And we should be together too.

Stan is Jewish so he was born into an entertainment family like all Jews. He had a recording contract handed to him as he left the womb.
Advantage: Stan

Wow, Eminem went 0 for 5, that's got to be some kind of record.

WINNER
5 TO 0
Yes there should be a picture of Stan here but I think I'll kill myself now. Bye bye!
STAN