[A note from your friendly neighborhood fat guy.
When I decided to start doing these again I had no idea that it would lead to a brand new fight by the guy who created the concept. That's right folks, out of "retirement" and taking time out of his hectic schedule is the op board poster formerly known as "B", "Swandive" and "that fucking guy from WD", Brandon. he says this is a one time deal but I think if we all e-mail him and let him know how much he's missed, it may become something a little more regular.]

..::..9-7-2002..::..

"Few will have the greatness to bend history; but each of us can work to change a small portion of events, and in the total of all those acts will be written the history of this generation ... It is from numberless diverse acts of courage and belief that human history is thus shaped. Each time a man stands up for an ideal, or acts to improve the lot of others, or strikes out against injustice, he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope, and crossing each other from a million different centers of energy and daring, those ripples build a current which can sweep down the mightiest walls of oppression and resistance. And hey, sweeping down the mightiest walls of oppression and resistance is easy when you're (pointing to self) R...F...K."
Day of Affirmation Address, University of Capetown, South Africa, June 6, 1966
   
Robert F. Kennedy moved the people of South Africa that day with his positive outlook on world relations, and the "intraweb" that connects us all via ripples, and currents, and numberless diverse acts of courage. I'm not sure, I just skimmed it. But the people really took those words to heart. Two of those people went home that afternoon and, ignoring physical abnormalities and the general lack of comfort, put the wang in the chung and conceived Dave Matthews. Ever since then the country has been ravaged by Apartheid, until 1990 when Matthews was shipped (in a cardboard box with a lot of scotch tape wrapped around it) to Virginia, so he could make MY life a living hell. He scared those people so much that one of them, Nelson Mandela, hid in a jail for like thirty years.
 

When Kennedy was assassinated shortly after winning California's Democratic primary in 1968, the world found themselves (and by "themselves" I mean AMERICA because we are SO SUPREMELY THE BOMB and all the other countries better talk to our elbows cause they ain't worth THA EXTENSION) without a charismatic young leader to help them forget that everything in the country generally sucked. 1968 was a horrible time for our country -- we were mired in the war in Vietnam, and a young Kevin Arnold was trying desperately to cope with the oncoming rage of puberty that would turn him from a young Shane-O Mac into an awkward muppet. A few years later in 1971, two Battle Creek, Michigan residents could not take the fact that they

a) Lived in the same state as the faggot Red Wings, and
b) Had to wear clothes that looked like THIS:

...so they conceived the solution. Actually "conceived" is shortening a longer story. They were having sex, and every time the guy would thrust in he'd stop and look at himself in the mirror and pose. Then the mother did two cartwheels and a backflip onto his crotch. Then the sperm did tumbles through the fallopian tubes before stopping in mid-swim to point at itself, corkscrew backwards, and totally fertilize the egg. And dude, fertilizing the egg is easy when you're R-V-D sperm.

That's right, Rob Van Dam was given the sweet breath of life to save us all, but what has he really done? Does he understand his purpose in life? Does he know that he is not merely a "WWE Superstar" but has a higher calling? I hope to investigate the similarities and differences between these two patriots who have the greatness to bend history. And if you see any ripples, or perform numberless acts of courage, just shrug your shoulders and say "whatever."

VS.  
 

EDUCATION

Robert Francis Kennedy (the Kennedy that stole Pee-wee's bike) was born on November 20, 1925, in Brookline, Massachusetts, the seventh child in the closely knit and competitive family of Rose and Joseph P. Kennedy. "I was the seventh of nine children," he later recalled, "and when you come from that far down you have to struggle to survive. Resistance was futile. GET IT? Seventh of Nine? Haw haw!" Then he ended his recollection by snorting and watching Buffy reruns on FX. FROM THE GRAVE.

He attended Milton Academy and, after wartime service (oral and anal) in the Navy, received his degree in government from Harvard University in 1948. From then on he was forced to stitch a giant "H" on the ass of whatever outfit he chose. He earned his law degree from the University of Virginia Law School three years later (in the same town where the Dave Matthews Band originated...coincidence?). Perhaps more important for his education was the Kennedy family dinner table, where his parents involved their children in discussions of history and current affairs. "I can hardly remember a mealtime," Robert Kennedy said, "when the conversation was not dominated by what Franklin D. Roosevelt was doing or what was happening in the world. I sure was a big freaking tool, wasn't I?"

Rob Szatkowski studied martial arts at the two dojos Battle Creek had to offer, which taught Tae Kwon Do at one and Karate, Kendo and making poor quality American cars at the other, and eventually spread out to other instructors like Kit Lykins, Billy Blanks, and Raphael from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, because he had sais and those were totally cool!!!!!!! "I started kick boxing under the guidance of Kit Lykins, who was like a local celeb. But that's not a big deal because we also think Sergei Federov is a celebrity, but he's just a commie bastard with wavy hair and puberty problems. By the time I started kick boxing, I already knew I wanted to wrestle when I was old enough," Rob Van Dam said, "I can hardly remember a mealtime when the conversation was not dominated by how much weed it took for me to not feel pain from being kicked in the center of the face."

WWE head announcer James Ross, famous for looking like a Popeye and Bluto had a baby, often compliments Rob's "educated feet," proclaiming that "one went to Yale and the other went to Harvard." This is a high pedigree indeed, but one has to question why two feet from the same person would choose to go to two different schools. When right foot wanted to go to a sissy art college I gave him a stern talking to and said "NO FOOT OF MINE IS GOING TO A SCHOOL FOR HOMOS!" Then he cried and ran upstairs and shut his door, and turned up The Cure so loud I couldn't get a wink of sleep. My Left Foot, of course, went on to be a war veteran.

Winner: Robert F. Kennedy

WHO WOULD WIN THE WAR ON TERRORISM

At about 12:15 am on June 5, 1968, Sirhan Sirhan shot presidential candidate RFK in the kitchen of the Ambassador Hotel in Los Angeles when Kennedy would not stop badgering him about the way he said "chowder." Sirhan was an Arab who had emigrated to the United States in the 1950s and was reportedly disturbed by Kennedy's sportsmanship and clean-cut good looks. After a 1969 trial lasting nearly four months, Sirhan was convicted and sentenced to death. That sentence was commuted to life in prison and Sirhan has been in prison in California ever since; his repeated applications for parole have been denied. Sirhan Sirhan's brother, Duran Duran, could not be reached for comment.

Rob Van Dam's closest relationship with the terrorism was probably his on-again off-again relationship with Sabu.  The partnership was born from a fierce rivalry, when Van Dam needed a partner to face off against Doug Furnas and Phillip LaFon, two wrestlers most famous for being named after household wares.  Sabu and Rob V.D. would've dominated the ECW tag team ranks for years if not for the fact that Van Dam was gaining an unnatural popularity every day and Sabu could not open a can of Beenie Weenies without breaking six fingers and unhinging his jaw.  They are best remembered for their Garth Brooks inspired finisher, "Rolling Thunder," which involves both wrestlers rolling together on the ground before shooting their husbands for cheating on them.  The relationship ended when Rob decided to go make millions of dollars and Sabu decided to go wrestle with old people and novelty rappers.

Also I have recently learned (thanks to anti-BIG TOBACCO commercials) that since Rob Van Dam does drugs he helps fund the terrorists of 9/11.   He also is indirectly responsible for helping fund Cheech and Chong movies, including the Corsican Brothers, objectively one of the worst films of all time.  How many jokes can you POSSIBLY MAKE ABOUT MARIJUANA?  Just make one really good one and go help Nash Bridges and Yasmine Bleeth and Stone Cold solve mysteries.

Winner:  R...F... ... ...K.

WHO HAS STUPIDER LOOKING CLOTHES

Robert F. Kennedy normally wore a sharp suit with a nice tie.

I wouldn't "sell" this singlet if my life depended on it!