|
CSME 2002: The Rock vs Rocks About once a
decade a wrestler comes along who is a complete package. A
performer who brings talent, athleticism, charisma and a
pineapple shaped head to the ring not just to win matches, but
to entertain the masses. Seldom do we, as a generation, get to
witness such perfection and fruit shaped head aside, I feel
lucky that we have a man of The Rock's stature to entertain us
every week, or every fourth month when he isn't shooting a
movie or hanging out in Beverly Hills with Britney Spears and
Fred Savage. Often in our society a performer will take the
name of something or someone who takes offence to it, in this
case, the earth itself is angry at the odd looking African
Samoican which leads us to the reason we're here today as the
stuff the planet is made from takes the offensive to get back
the title it so richly deserves, "rock".
CHARISMA_____________________________________ Advantage: The Rock
ARIEL
MOVES__________________________________ Advantage: rocks
WHO LOOKS BETTER
SCULPTED_________________ Advantage: The Rock WHO GETS THE HOTTEST
CHICKS_______________
Advantage: latino house boys... and the Rock WHO LOOKS BETTER
NAKED____________________
Advantage: rocks (because I say so) FUNNY
NIPPLE BONUS ROUND___________________
WINNER___________________________________ Because of his brave stance as the spokesman for the PHPWDFC (Pineapple Headed People With Deformed Breasts Coalition) The Rock was able to overcome his much older, much wiser and much more aerodynamic opponent. The Rock
| ||||||||
The Rock is regarded as one of the best "stick
men" in the business. His ability to spout out new
catchphrases with a reckless abandon have given the world such
t-shirt gems as "Can You Smell What The Rock Is Cookin",
"Layin The Smack Down" and "Monkey Nipples" as well as
introduced the world to the concept that Spock's wacky eyebrow
thing is NOT just for loser geeks, even big strong football
playing half breeds from Florida can do it. It helps to get a
non homosexual tattoo on your arm and shave your mutton chops
into points but that's part of the "advanced" course in
overcoming the supergeek stigma. Sign up for classes quick,
the entire staff of Ain't It Cool and the cast of Dawson's
Creek are already enrolled so space is limited.
Rocks,
for the most part just kind of sit there and every once in a
while you may trip over one but they don't seem to be too
mobile, therefore it seems like a easy category for The Rock.
Wrong again bucko! Rock's ariel repertoire is about as extensive
as Fred Dursts catalogue of meaningful lyrics. Over a few
millennia rocks in caves start to form towards the floor
creating long, jagged, spikey stalactites which, after being
around for about a bazillion years, fall on some unsuspecting
cavern dweller and skewers him through the head like something
out of a bad horror movie. Since The Rock seems to be firmly
planted to the ground and these rocks tend to leap to some
unlucky fucks certain doom about as often as asteroids collide
with the earth, guess who gets this one?
At some point in the past a bunch of drunk
frat guys decided to turn a rocky hillside into a masterpiece
of sculpting. Sadly for America, this was a geekboy frat house
and they decided a bunch of dead presidents would be much
better than naked Hooter's girls. Fucking geeks. Luckily
though, the idea of dead presidents caught on in the world of
gangsta rap culminating in many many songs about them and a
fine feature film starring Chris Tucker and the Oscar award
winning thespian, Sticky Fingas. Ah Sticky, where are you now?
The Rock on the other had is part of the WWE and as such,
get's his own action figure. Unfortunately they haven't
figured out how to make his head look like not a
pineapple.
