November 25th, 1998
(EDITORS NOTE: This fight was done mainly to find an indirect excuse to put up that picture of a cold Buffy. If you're a girl, you may find this chauvinistic and offensive. If you're a guy, go ahead and scroll to the bottom, I don't want to keep you. Besides, what will your parents do if they catch you?)
VALENTINE'S DAY SPECIAL
By Tommy. He's dreamy!

There is a philosophical debate about what the most important thing in life is. There are those who believe personal wealth is most desirable. My mother believes going to church and being a good person until someone pisses her off then BAM, stunner. Others believe in a good ham sandwich. Myself, I believe in love. That's right, mushy, messy, break your heart and boil your bunny kind of love. Love and a good fight between two people who should never, ever, be thought of in this way. There's nothing better than a good brawl except maybe a milk chocolate Pop Tart. God what I wouldn't give for a Pop Tart. What's the point of this sermon? Love, baby! We all need it, and somebody's got it. Here we have two people who are brimming over with love. 

	VS.
JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT		DUDE LOVE

(EDITORS NOTE: I think that I shall never see, a thing as lovely as Jennifer Love Hewitt's cleavage. Didn't Robert Frost write that?)

FIGHTING ABILITY
Dude Love is a professional wrestler in the World Wrestling Federation. He has fought some of the biggest, meanest, and toughest men in the world. He's gone toe to toe with pro wrasslers like Stone Cold Steve Austin, the Undertaker and Andy Griffith. Jennifer Love Hewitts rogues gallery consists of an old guy who they ran over with a car last summer, or the summer before. Anyway, he knew all about it so he decided to kill them. It didn't work and Jenny lived so they had to do a sequel with the catchy title, "I Still Know Buffy's Not In This Movie So Only Half The People Will Go See It Last Summer," or something similar. I have to give this category to Dude Love just because he's fought in a ring rigged with explosions.
ADVANTAGE: The Dudester

DUABILITY
Jennifer is about as big as a stick figure. Mick Foley has been thrown off twenty foot cages into geriatric Mexicans. He's been in about every kind of fight imaginable. He's been wrapped in barb wire, hit with chairs, gouged with sharp sticks and been forced to have sex with Sherri Martel. He's been through so much hell almost nothing you can throw at him would be new... well, I've never seen anyone throw a monkey at him. Maybe that's it, the way to beat the Hard-core champ, throw in a chimp and he's toast. I love monkeys, I have them on my watch. Monkey's and Chucky, he's kewl! Dude gets off on pain and suffering, and Jennifer is a pacifist. pansy, the Dude fell through a cage and landed on thumbtacks, now that's tough! Actually now that I think about it that's kind of dumb...
ADVANTAGE: Dude Love... wait a minute, there's a hot chick in this fight and the really ugly fat guy is already two ahead, how did that happen?

THE BUFFY FACTOR
Everybody knows vampires are scary. the only vampire Dude Love knows is married to Luna and she's way scarier than the average vampire. Jennifer on the other hand hangs out with a vampire slayer. Now being a slayer usually means wearing leather pants and having really big hair. Buffy has both of these qualities but she is missing the required suck ass music. Mmmm.... leather pants

ADVANTAGE: ME, I mean Jennifer Love Hewitt

PARTY OF FIVE
Jennifer surrounds herself with people who love her like Charlie, Neve Campbell (another hot chick), and the Black Hart, Owen. Jennifer spends her evenings with her whiny boyfriend who never has time for sex (read, LOSER). He owns a big fancy restaurant where he sells alcohol even though he's only nineteen. What's up with that? How come in the real world people get put in jail for that kind of thing but in the wonderful world of Fox it's legal? What kind of message does that send to America's youth? We must rise up and have this show removed off the air to ensure the safety of our children, and to get rid of Owen. Dude Love has no friends.

ADVANTAGE: Hewitt

WHO WOULD LOOK BETTER WINNING
Jennifer Love Hewitt was voted into the 100 sexiest people of the year. With a weekly TV show that shows off her assets and a couple of hit movies under her belt, she's a national sex symbol and a certified hottie. Although the Dudester is a mighty cool cat, he's a little lacking in the looks department. After thirteen years of hard-core matches, his face looks like a road map. But what is beauty? Is it the physical attraction we feel towards each other? Are we so petty that the only way we can find someone attractive is by rating the way they look?
You bethca!
ADVANTAGE: Jennifer Love Hewitt

RESULTS
It would have been more of a fight but early on the Dudester realized that this was one groovy chick. Instead of a fight Jennifer called her friends Neve and Buffy the vampire slayer and they had a happy little picnic. Unfortunately Buffy forgot her sweater and it was a little chilly.

THE WINNER
can't... think..... Buffy
*ahem* WINNER:

Jennifer Love Hewitt
OOWWWWWWW have mercy!