July 10th, 1998 -- This fight and categories suggested by Brad (bxp125@email.psu.edu) at PSU

Canada.  I've already made 'bout all the Canadian jokes there are.   But it seems like no matter how hard I try, I keep having to put Canadians in these fights.  Natasha Henstridge, Chris Benoit, Jewel (Alaska is basically in Canada), Terrence and Philip, Andy Griffith, and now this:   two more Canadians, fighting each other.  What's the deal with these guys?

I guess all the beer and bacon and snow just catches up to them and makes them antsy.  And no two Canadians are more antsy than NHL 2nd generation great Brett Hull and former WWF World Heavyweight Champion Bret "The Hitman" Hart.   Both are tough individuals who seem to gain little joy out of life and like to complain.

Complain you say?  They're both famous.  They're both filthy rich.  They're both loved by (a select group of) fans.  Why complain?   One doesn't like his country, and one gets screwed more than Anna Nicole Smith.   You could just imagine if these two disgruntled canucks crossed-paths.  Brett Hull wants to play for Team USA....Bret Hart wants him to play for Team Canada!

That's the basis of your fight, you ask?  Sure, it's lame, but Bret Hart has argued about lamer.  Remember the whole "respect your family" thing?  What was THAT about?  I'm sure that if Bret was adamant enough about wanting Brett on Team Canada, he'd waste valuable television time by blabbering on and on and on and on and on.

I AM better than Owen VS. *whine*
BRET HART BRETT HULL

Background Music for this page: Bret Hart's Theme

Too bad I couldn't find any gay pictures of the Anvil and Bulldog to put on here.  What a bunch of losers!  They're almost as bad as Pavol Demitra or Pascal Rheaume.

FIREPOWER_______________________________
Brett Hull is an accomplished NHL vet, and you don't become an accomplished NHL vet without a little bit of firepower.  Brett Hull, when not being harassed by coach, teammates, opposing players, or the media, has a "100mph deadly accurate slapshot."  However, when large Russians are constantly skating around, it makes it hard to get your slapshot up to 100 miles per hour, trust me.  However, I must admit that it takes a heck of a man to score over 500 goals in the NHL.

He shoots... ....he SCORES!!!!

Take that, you lousy fruitcake!  Here we see Bret Hart applying his finishing hold, the Sharpian Death Lock, to a hapless Goldust.  I just love to see pics where Dustin is getting the stuffing beaten out of him.  Another great example of a man ruined by Vince.  The Sharpshooter has beaten such double-tough wrestlers as Big Boss Man, Saba Simba, Special Delivery Jones, and at least one of the Killer Bees.  Stinger would be proud.
ADVANTAGE:  Bret Hart

FATHER FACTOR____________________________
Brett Hull's Father (the legendary Bobby Hull) was Canadian, and because Brett Hull was born in Canada, many Canadians feel that Brett Hull is a traitor to their country.   Hull has played for Team USA in the Canada Cup, World Cup, and Olympics.  That goes to show you that Canadians are not a forgiving lot.  Stu Hart on the other hand, is a fine Canadian, and raised his sons to know the value of patriotism.  Bret has constantly backed Canada on television, and has gotten on the fans nerves by repeatedly saying "aGAIN-st."

Bret "Glamour Shots" Hart

CSME FUN FACT:  Both Bret Hart and Brett Hull have US Citizenship.  Why?  They both have American mothers.  But at least the Hitman has the gumption to stand up for his native land.  Bobby was a great hockey player, but Stu raised a better son.  Plus, Stu trained Chris Benoit and Chris Jericho.  He wins simply for that.
ADVANTAGE:  Bret Hart

NICKNAMES___________________________________
Bret "The Hitman" Hart.  A nickname needs to signify a personality trait, and show the world that you're proud of it.  The Hitman makes Bret out to be a tough guy.  Bret has a real don't-mess-with-him-or-you'll-go-home-in-a-bodybag-kinda-deal going on with a nickname like that.

Gay Devils

Brett "Golden Brett" Hull.  Golden Brett?  Wow, what a great nickname.  It looks like those Devil players are enjoying Brett's golden nature.  A hockey player needs a great nickname...."Great One," "Brick Wall," "Tony Orlando,".....not "Golden Brett."  Your father had a great nickname...you don't.
ADVANTAGE:  Bret Hart

ACCOMPLISHMENTS_______________________

I'll show you a Hamrlik!

 One of Barker's Beauties

Bret Hart has been WWF Tag Champ, Intercontinental Champ, and five-time World Champion.  He holds victories over Stone Cold Steve Austin, Ric Flair, Randy Savage, Rowdy Roddy Piper, and even Bad News Brown.  Bret Hull has never wrestled...here we see him avoiding a "Roman Hammerlock"....(please please PLEASE tell me SOMEBODY out there got that joke).   He has scored over 500 goals in the NHL, and is a sure thing to make the hall of fame.  Bret wears pink.
ADVANTAGE:  Brett Hull

COMPLAINING______________________________
Bret Hart was going along just fine until he lost the Iron Man match at Wrestlemania to Shawn Michaels.  That started a downward spiral of screw this, and screw that.  Bret was screwed, yes.  However, Bret feels that he has been screwed more times than my friend Tom's mother.

It's Satan! BEHIND YOU!

Brett Hull has something worthy to complain about:  MIKE KEENAN!!!  I swear, if I ever met Mike Keenan I'd kick him in the gazoot and bash in his head with whatever blunt object that was handy.  This guy lead the New York Rangers to victory in 1994, and then deserted him.  His players hate him, his peers hate him, the fans hate him.  It's people like Mike Keenan that cause all the wrong-doings in this world.  Remember the Flyers?  Keenan's fault.  The Ranger breakup?  Keenan's fault.  Vietnam?  You get the picture.
ADVANTAGE:  Brett Hull

RESULTS_____________________________
Brett Hull wants to play hockey for Team USA because (not only is he half-American, but) America gave him his first break.  Bret Hart can't stand this, and patronizes him on Monday Night Wrestling for it?  But does Brett Hull watch wrestling?  Who knows.   Probably not.  So Bret gets on the talk show circuit and patronizes him.   Does Hull watch talk shows?  Who knows.  Probably not.  So Bret gets on the radio, and patronizes him.  Does Hull listen to that certain station?   Probably not.  So Bret just gives up, goes to his house, and puts him in the sharpshooter.  STUPID HOCKEY PLAYER!!!

Down the street from the Shrieking Shiek

THE WINNER, 3-2
and biggest Canadian complainer of all,
BRET "THE HITMAN" HART

the best complainer there is, the best complainer there was,
and the best complainer there ever will be.