August 19th, 2001
By Tommy

(WRITERS NOTE: All the feedback I've gotten so far has been very positive so I figure I'll give this another go. Besides, if Mtv can benefit from Brandon's idea and they don't even know the guy, I think I should be able to cash in on the name dropping ability. Or I’m just really bored, whichever.)

There have been reports for hundreds of years that Dracula walked the earth, sucking the life out of anyone who crossed his path. These reports have always been unconfirmed and in the last century, as we became wiser as a society, the notion of vampires have become something of fiction. I imagine that if there were a vampire named Dracula in the world today he would be somewhat proud of his legacy, after all, countess films about his life have been made plus television shows, toys, comics and just about any other merchandise ever created to turn a profit. I would also think that the man himself would be a little angry that he never saw a dime for his years of sucking while another lifeless creature who has also dedicated his life to sucking seems to be raking in the cash. And that my friends, is all the reason we need for this superfight.

	VS
DRACULA		CARROT TOP

FIGHTING ABILITY
I read a story in the newspaper today that says carrots have a natural electric charge and if a carrot were big enough they would have to strap a "Danger High Voltage" sign on it. There's also the Flaming Carrot, semi-popular indy comic book character who uses guns and who's head is on fire. Seems to me this is the perfect time for the struggling farmers of America to go into the sex toy manufacturing business. Imagine, a self powered item for self-stimulation that comes in any size and can be easily disguised as produce! The perfect item for teenage girls and closet homosexuals. I think if Carrot Top were to contact Rick Moranis and used his baby blowing up machine, set his head on fire and grabbed a couple of guns he might be able to take over the world. As he is now he'll have to rely on his dialing down the center Chi force maneuver of mass destructivity. Plus Carrot Tops limbs are made of rubber so he doesn't break.
ADVANTAGE: Carrot Top

WHO GETS THE BETTER CHICKS
Vampires in general are always getting hot chicks to sleep with them. Sarah Michelle Buffy is the first that springs to mind (even when I'm not talking about vamps) but there are countless others. Vitamin C got shtupped by Judas/Drac in Dracula 2000. Winona Ryder got jiggy with Lost In Space Spider/Drac Gary Oldman and some obscure Nubian "goddess" got funky with Blackula himself, Andy Griffith. Vamps have this strange attraction, I think that's why so many young people are into the Goth look. They feel more alluring or something. Someone needs to let the fat goths in on the fact that now they're not only fat but funny looking, thereby ruining any chances they might have at hooking up with a vampire. Seriously, when was the last time you say a movie where Dracula went after the fattys? I have yet to see the red headed stepchild of Hollywood with a "leading lady" so it begs the question, is Carrot Top human? I think I'll touch on that more in the next category.

ADVANTAGE: Dracula

IMMORTALITY FACTOR
We know Dracula is immortal, or at least near immortal as he's been alive a million billion years so that's not in question. The real quandary is Carrot Top. I just can't believe that a person with those cartoonish features, insane hair and rubber limbs is human. I think it's pretty obvious that Carrot Top is a top-secret government experiment using the unwavering stupidity of the Platypus, the annoying abilities of Jerry Lewis and unbreakable properties of Stretch Armstrong. The ultimate weapon in America's war on taste! We will be victorious! Stupid French.
ADVANTAGE: Carrot Top

WRESTLING CONNECTIONS
The only wrestler associated with Dracula is perpetual WWF midcarder Gangrel. Sure he's a good wrestler but he's got no "stroke" as they say. Carrot Top shares an ad campaign with none other than former WCW champion David Arqutte and if that wasn't enough to love the guy right there, Arguette is friends with none other then Eric Biscoff, the smartest man in the history of wrestling. Eric was responsible for some of the greatest moments on tv ever, things like the formation of the nWo, the proliferation of Lucha Libre on American airwaves and drunken Scott Hall throwing up on fans at ringside. Plus I hear La Parka takes offense at CT's stealing his gimmick. Chairman Of The Board indeed!
ADVANTAGE: Dracula

MEDIA PORTRAYAL
For the last two decades vampires have been portrayed as pretty people on screen. We've had tv shows like Kindred the Embraced where media darlings were loved by the general public and soap operas like Dark Shadows where everyone looked like a model and smiled very little. In film it's been much the same, Blade, one of the most high profile vampire flicks ever had a studly Wesly Snipes taking on the dreamy Ethan Hawk. The Lost Boys showed some of the best looking guys ever in vampire makeup (except that Eddie Haskell looking one, he just freaked me out) and even that guy in Dracula 2000 was a looker even if his lips were shaped funny. (WRITER'S NOTE: I'm making a point, not being gay so nyah!) The most recent portrayal of a vampire looks like a damn underwear model, David Boreanaeaneaenaaz. Plus he got to sleep with Buffy so he's the hero of millions.
ADVANTAGE: Dracula

RESULTS
Carrot Top starts off by attempting to suck the life out of the planet by starring in another movie, luckily Dracula has no soul and isn't fazed by the insufferable twit. After the defeat of the government licensed sucking machine, the vampire community comes out for a Blade inspired rave where Sarah Michelle Buffy and Eliza Dushku duke it out for prom queen. A crisis is averted when Buffy fiancée and star of She's All That Freddy Prinze Jr shows up and is immediately killed by outraged fans of Scooby Doo.

WINNER:
Even though he actually sucks less...

DRACULA