May 1, 1998

She's risen to the top of the popular music charts with her disgruntled song stylings.  She's captured our hearts with heartfelt speeches at various awards shows on television.  She's crafted a new form of music:  a little bit of piano, a little bit of heart, and a hell of a whole lot of anger.   Wait a minute...okay, well, she hasn't really done all that well on the charts, and she hasn't really captured our hearts on awards shows.  In fact, she's made a lot of people angry.  Why?

She HATES EVERYTHING!!!  Sure, she's led a hard life, in her nineteen years of existence.  But please, forgive me for being insensitive, but winning an award should be a good thing.  All she does is ...okay...I have to save this for later.  And...hey, hasn't there been about seventy gabizillion other "angry white women" who play the piano that have capitalized on the depression bandwagon?  Come to think of it...isn't that whole Lilith thing a bunch of pissy chicks complaining about equality and communism and...

Ahem.  Well, she isn't a very agreeable young woman, to say the very least.  However, one thing in life has eluded her...and evidently, that one thing is food.  With arms like the whispering wind, Fiona Apple conquers her greatest challenge yet....she has beaten impossible odds...she has broken into the music business...she has made nice with the folks at Rolling Stone...but can she devour an entire meal without (a) vomiting it back up, (b) passing out/fainting, or (c) complaining about it?

Man...I bet Dave Thomas gets mad at Wendy, like, if she made him mad, he'd turn on the pimpslap and be, like, "WOMAN!  GET BACK IN THE KITCHEN AND MAKE A DELICIOUS SPICY CHICKEN SANDWICH!!!!! And then he'd be like...for a limited time only...and then...ah, forget it!  Let's get on with this...I'm getting hungry!!!

	VS.
Fiona Apple		Food

Fiona has the basic height advantage, but a quarter pound cheeseburger has the weight advantage.  Fiona would definitely have to pump up before the fight, but you never know...She's an angry white woman!

MANIACAL RAGE__________________________________________
Okay, this is an easy one.  Fiona Apple is about four and a half feet of explosive dynamo.  You give her a post-standard look or sass her in any fashion, and rat-a-tat-tat-taddow, she snaps!  She starts screaming and yelling and smacking at you and complaining and whining and moaning about how she's an artist and you don't appreciate her and you never take her out and you always make fun of her and you don't like her sister and her mother thinks that you're a bad influence and you need to cut your hair and oh ho ho you aren't wearing that out tonight, are you?

Hey...wait a second.  That's not Fiona Apple.  That's every single woman on the planet.  Being female, Fiona gets the nod in the anger category.  Plus, well, you know...food is an inanimate object and everything.
ADVANTAGE:  Fiona Apple

WHO WOULD LOOK BETTER WINNING__________________________
This is a tough category to choose.  No, I'm not getting fruity all of a sudden...you just have to think about Fiona Apple.  Sure, she's a teenage girl.   She can be quite attractive when she tries.   However, many times, she looks bad.  And "bad" is being polite.  She looks like a crack whore with seventeen crates of yellow eye shadow on.

I mean...compare the pictures!  There is no comparison.   It's like comparing Jeri Ryan to Bette Midler.  Or comparing Jewel to Aunt Jackie from Roseanne.  Or comparing Don Knots to Andy Griffith.  So, I'm figuring if I'm going to give this category to the chick, she'd better ship up and shape out.  Or, something like that.
ADVANTAGE:  Fiona Apple 1/2 the time

POTENTIAL TO CAUSE BODILY HARM_________________________
Fiona Apple is a really skinny person.  Y'see, she's one of those people that can't go outside when it's windy.  If you plucked her at the waist, she'd break in half.  She has arms like rubberbands.  She can't use a paperweight because she'd never be able to get the paper out from underneath.  Food can, by using cholesterol and fatty acids, cause heart disease and obesity.  Food is much more damaging to the body.

Plus, well...you know, Fiona is a woman.  So, she couldn't hurt somebody unless she had a propulsion device of some sort.  Or if she was driving a freight train or something.
ADVANTAGE:  Food.

WHO WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE WITH FOR MORE THAN 5 MINUTES
Sure, I'm not going to lie to you.  I've really been making fun of Fiona Apple for the whole fight, but I'll tell you the truth....I'd love to make her my love slave.  Hell, tack 15 or so pounds onto her "supermodel" frame and she'd be drop dead gorgeous.  But you have to remember...no matter how much you want her to be a kind young woman....let's face it.  She's a bitch.  Plain and simply.   I'm sorry to be so blunt about it, but I can't think of anything to describe her better.  She has fans.  She hates them.  She's a pretty young girl with lots of money.  She hates it.  She wins an award.  She hates it.  Get OVER it, you guardrail!

How would you rather spend a Saturday night?  Listening to some noodle of a woman moan and complain....or enjoying a warm, juicy, ham sandwich?   Maybe I'm just out of touch with reality, but that illustrated luncheonmeat looks pretty tempting.
ADVANTAGE:  Food.

MUSICAL TALENT__________________________________________
Think about Fiona Apple's music.  Great isn't it?  Have you stabbed yourself in the ear yet?  Now, think about all the great musical memories that food has given us.  Hooray for Valleydale?  I feel like Chicken Tonight?  My bologna has a first name...it's O S C A R?  That's what I thought.  Hey, maybe this will give Fiona Apple something to complain about.

Ya make me ah....shahDOOOOOOW Bock-SA baaaaaybaaaay I wanna be readdy for what-chooooo doooooo.....Just shut up!
ADVANTAGE:  Food.

THE RESULTS___________________________________________
Dave Thomas likes my webpage.  Sure, he loves me.  He's like, my best friend.   Anyway, one day, he was surfing on through the Celebrity Superfight Main Event and saw Fiona Apple.  What a pretty young girl, he thought.  If only I could bring joy (and happiness) into this pissy young girl's life, then maybe she'd grow up to be a kind, loving individual.  So he crates his self over to the Apples'ses'sss's'ses house.  This is where he learns the bad news....poor Fiona can't stomach a Spicy Chicken Sandwich.  Actually, she can't even stomach a small fry.  Actually...you know that grainy stuff that forms on your teeth when you sleep?  That crap makes her full.  After complaining for about thirty minutes...Dave gives in!  He buckles under pressure...and is forced to cater the LILITH FAIR!!!  Yes, all thirty of the butch lesbians.  Oh yeah, and Jewel.  Gotta love Jewel.  What a nice che..er, I mean, girl...what were we talking about?

THE WINNER, 2-3
BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO HEAR HER COMPLAIN....

Fiona Apple

She technically lost, but I don't want to hear her bemoan about losing. 
...but she doesn't want to accept the victory and thinks that I'm
a sexist pig that deserves to be ripped from withers to brisket with a socket wrench.