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 So I’m checking out Shooting Star Press after Raw this week to voice my opinion on the show – specifically, the Katie Vick saga. With the new soapy moves by the WWE (did ‘Taker really cheat on Sara? Oh my!) I thought I should weigh in with a fantasy post. Welcome, folks, to “Melrose Raw, 90213.” We open to a montage of Kane and Katie having fun together, frolicking in a daisy-covered field, running hand in hand while “Happy To Be Stuck With You” plays in the background. We suddenly switch to a darkened bedroom. The music has been replaced by “Let’s Get It On,” only because this is Raw it’s got to be the Jack Black version. Just as Kane is about to slip Katie the Big Red Machine, the alarm goes off. Kane awakes to roll over and see Hurricane sacked out in a chair in the hotel room. He’s snuggled up with the Hurri-cape. Terri lies next to him, butt neked and covered in apple goo. In the next room Kane can hear Jericho laughing with Christian, recounting how he violated Terri after Kane passed out. Kane grows angry. He puts on his mask and barges into the hotel room of the tag champs. Jericho and Christian put a whuppin’ on him with Flair and Triple H’s help, who were laying in wait. Kane is left battered as we fade to the arena. Opening Pyro. JR and the King from ringside, blah, blah, blah, barbecue sauce, blah blah, Sooners, blah blah, Kane was screwed out of the WWE title, blah blah, Puppies, blah blah, Rico in a ballet match, blah blah, Hooper’s mom did the King last night, blah blah, first match up is D’Lo vs. Triple H for the title. Triple H comes out with Flair only to say there won’t be a world title match because D’Lo is an attempted murderer. No, not his own career by pairing with Chaz. No, Trips is talking about Droz, who motors his way to ringside. Droz cuts a promo about how D’Lo ruined his chances of ever winning the world title. D’Lo comes out to clean house, hits the Sky High on Trips and tells him he’ll see him at the next PPV when he takes his title. (Ya, I’m a D’Lo fan. Deal with it.) Kane is shown entering the arena. Coach runs up for an interview but gets choke slammed for his efforts. Pete Rose runs up to protest and gets one, too. (I can’t get enough Pete Rose on WWE TV). JR: “Someone’s going to burn in hell tonight.” (And it will be JR for using that line too much). Randy Orton promo is shown. “A Day in the Life of Randy Orton” chronicles young Randy’s ability to tie his own shoes and write a check for pizza. Women flock to him constantly, which leads to the Godfather asking him for advice before Randy slips him a $50. Jericho and Christian come out to defend the tag belts against Booker and Goldust in a No Mercy rematch. Kane makes the run in to cost the champs the titles, then grabs the mic and gives a 20-minute monologue on how Jericho now knows what it’s like to have something taken from him. He sobs a lot but manages to promise to make Triple H pay as well. Trish is seen telling RVD and Jeff she likes reckless men. The two start listing off their famous high spots before finally challenging each other to a match, the winner getting Trish’s affection. Stacy is seen telling Tommy Dreamer and Al Snow she likes hardcore men. The two start listing off their famous violent moments before finally challenging each other to a match, the winner getting Stacy’s affection. Molly is seen telling Rosie and Jamal she’s sick of being a good girl and wants to be bad. Both men puke. Droz rolls in and manages to spit one up for old time sake. RVD and Jeff go at in a ladder match, with Trish’s panties at the top of the ladder. Fill in your own winner here, I don’t really give a shit. Ditto the Tommy and Al match. But one of them must bleed. A lot. Hurricane faces Spike in an “Oh ya, you stole my chick all those months ago” no DQ match. Triple H runs in to beat on Hurricane while Flair holds Spike. Kane comes in and it’s on between Triple H and Kane. Triple H pulls a gun from under the ring and says he needs this for protection from a murderer. Suddenly, Chyna shows up with a police docket for Kane. Kane fumbles through and finds where Triple H once killed a girlfriend, too. Drunk driving accident. Triple H must not have known how to drive a stick so well (what the fuck was that?). But it was Chyna’s semen the police found, and she took the blame all those years ago. It’s because Triple H held a gun to her head that she performed the heinous act of necrophilia. JR’s heard screaming “That bastard” while King hides his face in shame. He somehow knows right then the Honky Tonk Man is coming back next week, and watch out! End show Sherlock Not sudsy enough for ya? Go fuck yourself.  |