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 Look boys and girls, your Uncle Sherlock finally got his first banner. Mad props to Shaun for immortalizing me as a cute and fuzzy, not to mention family friendly, wrestling writer. Now to remind you how I’m anything but ... Vince Russo’s recent rehiring by the WWE begs the obvious questions of 1) What was Vince smoking, 2) Where can I get some, and 3) If Vince will hire Russo, maybe I should start getting some scripts together. Seriously, let’s pretend you’re Vince McMahon for a minute. You already employ Paul Heyman, the true father of “Attitude” wrestling. You’ve got a decent writing staff that, although they may be in a slump, are occasionally showing signs of breaking the string of bad and dull stories. But rather than ride out the bad times, you turn to the man who single-handedly sped up WCW’s demise with storylines so bad even the creators of “Home Boys from Outer Space” were going “At least I’m not Vince Russo.” In fact, Russo is so bad, from here are on out I’m going to refer to him as Bizarro Vince, because he is in fact the evil opposite of Vince McMahon. OK, maybe Vinnie Mac has an evil streak himself, but in terms of SUCCESS, Russo is the polar opposite. Which really explains his hiring: opposites attract. Hiring Bizarro Vince was THE move that could have done to the WWE’s ratings what cold water does to my cock. Vinnie Mac, had he not listed to those who talked him out of giving Bizarro Vince the head writer’s gig (God bless you Stephanie), would have become half the man he used to be. Who would have thought a few years ago when WCW was in its tailspin and ECW was as close as ever to becoming the legit No. 2 organization in the industry that today both would be dead and the genius behind the latter would essentially be jobbing to the former? (By the way, no green squigglies on the last sentence, not bad, eh Mike?) So now, because I’m one of those guys Chris Jericho likes to think bitches about everything (although I’m not a Flamer, my new name for Torch readers), I offer you my comparison of Paul Heyman vs. Vince Russo... Credits Paul Heyman – Turned Eastern Championship Wrestling into Extreme Championship Wrestling, which not only fed major stars to both the WWF and WCW but truly spawned what Vince McMahon would eventually coin “Attitude.” For a guy lacking the millions it took both McMahon and Ted Turner to spend to put the WWF and WCW into the realm of big-time entertainment, Heyman sure got by on one thing: talent. Bizarro Vince – Was at one point credited as the man who turned the tables on WCW by putting the WWF back on top during the ratings war. From there he jumped ship to WCW to try to work his mojo for the enemy only to end up further driving the company into the 10th circle of hell (where you can get a great BJ off Hooper’s mom for just $4.99.) Stars Paul Heyman – The mad scientist was not only responsible for obvious picks like RVD, Lance Storm, the Dudley Boyz, etc., but he also picked guys like Stone Cold and Cactus Jack off the WCW scrap heap and turned them into the biggest and baddest names in the business. Bizarro Vince – I’ll have to get back to you on this one ... On-camera Paul Heyman – No. 2 only to Bobby Heenan in terms of great managers in the business. Yes, I’d take Paul over Captain Lou, Jimmy Hart, Mr. Fugi, etc. He’s got an amazing gift for mic work, as evidenced by his shoot on Vince McMahon during the final days of the Alliance angle last year. He’s also the best color man in the business today; funny how he’s not being used for that. Bizarro Vince – He’s got a face perfect for radio and a voice best heard with the mute button on. Seriously, I’d rather see Hulk Hogan vs. Ric Flair best 3 out of 5 falls 20 years from now than to ever see Bizarro Vince on TV again. What their peers think Paul Heyman – Generally accepted well when he first arrived for the WWE, with the exception of Jim Ross’s “Kool-Aid” comment. Of course, Paul throws that right back in his face on his first Raw broadcast, setting the tone for some brilliant adversarial commentary not seen since Bobby and Gorilla. Bizarro Vince – When the boss’s daughter gets you demoted on the first day and grizzled vets like the Undertaker say they’re not unhappy about it (nice spin job, champ), you may not want to get too comfortable. Most importantly, what did the smarks think? Paul Heyman – Generally well-liked and well-respected. Many were sad to see him leave the commentary position. Many acknowledge his genius for the business and probably agree if anybody should be the lead writer, it’s him. Bizarro Vince – Many were shocked, some were frightened, and I hear Hooper wet his pants in fear. In fairness, I did see a few people say they’d give Russo a chance since he actually did do well during his first run with the company. However, the consensus was that his hiring was to prevent the supposed tell-all book he has planned. Or maybe it was done out of desperation. Either way, the Internet community (Jericho’s favorite people) has been largely skeptical, I think it’s safe to say. Final consensus: Fire Russo, let the tell-all book come out and spur a fresh round interest in the company (any press is good press) and let Paul be the lead writer. And show some fucking patients with the product all ready, people. Especially you, Mr. McMahon. Sherlock Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go pork Miss Piggy. Where are you Hooper’s mom? |