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About 18 months ago or so, while I was writing a little column called “Sherlock’s Bright Ideas” over at The Ring Post, I penned an open letter to Vince McMahon shortly after the then-WWF bought WCW. Here are a few excerpts from that letter: Dear Vince, Congratulations on your recent purchase of World Championship Wrestling. I’m sure you’re probably kicked back with a big cigar and a strong drink right now, enjoying how far you’ve come. You’ve never hid your competitive hatred for WCW over the years, Vince. I’m sure you and Ted Turner never exchanged Christmas cards or any other pleasantries. And while Ted is still doing just fine with that whole AOL-Time Warner thing, you have finally delivered the knockout blow (or should I say finishing move?) to your longtime adversary. You have, however, created a potential problem for yourself – you’ve vanquished the opposition, which means you now hold a monopoly. That may not be the best thing in the long run. It was just a few short years ago, after all, that your WWF wasn’t looking too great. Bret Hart, Kevin Nash and Scott Hall had all jumped ship for WCW, you were getting killed in the ratings, and a little promotion called Extreme Championship Wrestling was quickly catching fire on the east coast. But you fought back from it, Vince, by hiring the people who could tell a compelling story that fit best with the wrestlers you had. Steve Austin, often just another bum in WCW, quickly became the biggest name in wrestling after getting to the WWF (save, of course, for that whole “Ringmaster” gimmick). You also put yourself on television, becoming the evil Mr. McMahon. You were the kind of evil boss we fans only exaggerate about. You were pure evil, and we loved it whenever you got yours in the end (especially the bump you took at St. Valentine’s Day Massacre a few years ago). In other words, whether it was all your doing or the fact you got some help along the way, you made the ultimate comeback. You killed the competition, and now you stand atop the mountain. But whether you want to admit it or not, the competition from WCW and ECW is what really made you what you are. Now, there is no giant billionaire threatening to take your talent away. Nor is there an upstart promotion threatening to cut into your pay-per-view pie. You’re on top of the mountain all alone with every wrestler in the world (save for Bret Hart, Rowdy Roddy Piper and maybe Hulk Hogan) wanting to work for you. But what will drive you now, Vince? Who will you be looking to defeat in the ratings? How will you keep both federations fresh? And how will you turn around the sorry state of WCW without letting the WWF suffer? Enjoy your stogie and drink now, Vince – it’s a long road ahead. Best of luck to you. Peace, JAS PS – Anytime you want some bright ideas, you know where to come. Well, not only has WCW completely died, but the worst parts of it have – let me borrow a line from the WWE here – been a near lethal dose of poison for the WWE. There was a reason I never watched the old WCW. What was it again? Oh ya, it sucked. Like Hooper’s mom on a Saturday night (or Wednesday, or Friday, or Sunday, or ...). Let’s examine why the WWE so closely resembles a Britney Spears concert on the suck-ta-tude meter now: Kevin Nash – What a great signing this guy has been. I think Sgt. Slaughter has probably had more matches since Nash’s debut than Nash has. The fact the charisma drips off this guy like the cum from Hooper’s mom’s mouth on a Tuesday night (or Thursday, or Monday ...) shows Nash is just a slightly smaller version of the Big Show: Lots of bulk, nothing else to offer. Oh ya, he’s a joy in the locker room as well. Scott Hall – Hiring Scott Hall would be like Larry Flynt hiring Sophia Loren for a shoot. Sure, maybe she was hot back in her day, but she’s no longer the “talent” (get it?) she once was. Hall has already been canned for being a drunk. Now if a few of these other guys could just develop drinking problems ... Vince Russo – While we probably haven’t seen how bad the other Vince can be yet, we will. I have no faith this man can produce the kind of quality television he did in his first run. When he left WWF he was a messiah, a writing god, someone respected by most in the industry (even if his departure did piss some folks off). When he left WCW he was a joke, an asshole, a burned-out has-been. Sorry, but putting your top title on a fucking actor (and a bad one at that) ranks up there on the list of All-time Brightest Ideas List as “Let’s bomb Pearl Harbor, the Americans can’t beat us in a war,” “It’s called Crystal Pepsi,” and “I’ll pull out in time Linda, I promise. I don’t want a second kid either.” Hulk Hogan – His best move is a leg drop. His most often-said word is “brother.” His shtick is older than Ted Turner. Watching Smackdown! is like having the creepy old man in your neighborhood over for two hours once a week. You don’t want him over, he makes you uncomfortable, yet you can’t get rid of him. Unless, of course, you just turn off the TV... Old WCW talent – So who has really helped the WWE since the WCW purchase? Lance Storm is cool but underused. The Hurricane was a hilarious and welcome addition for a while, but now his whole “relationship” with Nidia (did I miss something?) angle has yet to impress me. Booker T? Don’t make me snort liquid from my nose. Hugh Morris? Chavo? Mike Awesome? Stop me any time The consensus on this one: Stacy Kiebler and Torrie Wilson have been good additions for fresh T&A. But that’s it. The bottom line: The most amazing thing about the WWE’s spiral from great entertainment to the fringe of being nothing more than a sad carnival act is that they’ve adopted so many of the attributes they once mocked. They brought back Hogan, who they conditioned fans to hate for a long time. They hot shot angles every other week in the hopes of one big score in the ratings. Nobody ever wins clean the way they used to; everything is either a screw job or a DQ. Bodily fluids are used for comic relief rather than good promos and witty one-liners; when was the last time guys who used to cut awesome and hilarious promos (Jericho, Rocky, Foley) had the chance to do so? When was the last time anyone did so? The WWE needs to pick a direction and stick with it. They need to develop stories more fully. Dialog desperately needs to improve. But more than anything, the WWE needs a history lesson. They need to remember why WCW went out of existence, as well as why the WWF was so popular (and why WWE developed its faithful following). And lastly, it wouldn’t kill them to maybe listen to some of us on the ‘Net every now and again. After all, the WWE wants to give fans what they want, those of us on the ‘Net are fans ... do I really need to spell it out for you, JR? Peace Still waiting for someone to make me a banner. Show me you love me ... |