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 Now that we’ve got that pesky Fourth of July holiday out of the way (ooh, too much barbecue last night – JR would be proud), let’s finish what we started yesterday – evaluating the Raw roster. Evaluating the Raw roster (part deux) Kane -- Damn if this guy wasn’t getting funnier and funnier before his injury. Seeing how he’s due back soon, and probably will be forced into another feud with X-Pac (lucky us), don’t be surprised to see him pair with Booker and Goldust as the “freak squad” or something. Once the writers get all that out of their system, here’s hoping for nothing but good things for Kane, although I do have a few suggestions for him: 1) You don’t always have to land on your feet, take the bump every now and again; 2) Would it kill you to give us more than the same set of moves (punch, punch, clothesline, top rope clothesline, chokeslam, win); 3) Show off your power. Remember the time you pressed a very fat Mark Henry over your head? That was cool. Kevin Nash -- Where to begin with (if I may borrow a BwM-ism) “Big Shitty?” For one, he could try to stay healthy for more than a week at a time. Second, would it kill him to actually try to wrestle as opposed to whatever the fuck you’d call what he was doing before Scott Hall got canned? Honestly, I see no redeeming qualities with Kevin Nash these days. Firing Nash would free up millions for the company. Just imagine the possibilities: 1) Steph could get even bigger boobs; 2) Stacy could get her boob job; 3) Jazz could get hers done; 4) Linda Miles could ... you get the idea. Linda Miles -- If she fell over in the woods by herself, would anyone care? Lita -- She’s injured, and who knows what the WWE will be like when she gets back. Drive on. Matt Hardy -- Here’s another guy I’ve always liked but who desperately needs some new creative direction. I still like the idea of a Hardys heel turn, which could happen quite easily beginning Monday thanks to Jeff’s match with Undertaker. More than anything, though, both Hardys need something new. Otherwise, Vince is just keeping around glorified jobbers. Molly -- I’ve always liked the Molly Holly character, and this latest, prudish incarnation is really funny. The big ass jokes and the granny panties aside, Molly’s got more entertainment ability than a lot of others. She’s not great, she not terrible, she just is. And that’s good enough to keep her around. Rob Van Dam -- An amazing athlete. The most innovative wrestler today (I dare anyone to prove that statement wrong). The guy doesn’t have a bad match in him, plus he’s just so fucking cool. Ya, I’m an RVD mark. So what? This guy is on the cusp of breaking into the big time and I can’t wait until he does. His near win over the Undertaker several weeks ago proved how much the fans would love to see him as the Undisputed Champion. He can hang well with the older, slower guys like UT, and he can really kick ass with guys like Jeff Hardy and Latino Heat. Now if he’d only fuck up one crazy dive off the top rope and come down on JR as payback for the months of holding him back, all would be perfect in this world. Raven -- Here’s another guy that could have been something (hell, was something in ECW) but got dealt the Tazz hand. Although I’d love to see a new push for Raven, I give up. Let him go work on comic books. He’s got a knack for it, and he could probably be used better in that realm than Vince ever would on Raw. Shawn Michaels -- The Showstopper is but a shell of his former self, but if he can’t wrestle, maybe being the manager of the nWo isn’t such a bad thing. He’s still great on the mic (and if it means taking away mic time from the other three half-asses in that group, then that’s a good thing), plus watching Show take Sweet Chin Music the other night was great (especially with the whole “C’mon, tough love” shit they talked to him afterward). Don’t get me wrong, I’d much rather have the old Shawn than the new Shawn. But I’ll settle, if only because I have lowered my overall standards in order to enjoy the product the way I once did. Shawn Stasiak -- This guy needs a one-way ticket to Planet Career Change. Spike Dudley -- Because you need someone around that anyone can manhandle and put through a table ... Steven Richards -- What adventures await you and Jazz, you nutty bastard? Even though he’s an average wrestler at best, Stevie can play a good straight man (Right to Censor was a great run) or a wacky, wild fella. Here’s hoping for one more run as “Dancin’” Stevie. Terri -- Make that two tickets to Planet Career Change ... I hear you can find ranch work in Nevada, sweetie. By the way, you got something dripping off the side of your mouth. Tommy Dreamer -- I wish Tommy would have never come to the WWE. He deserves a better memory than to be known as “the other puke guy” (sorry Tommy, Droz is the OG). Sure, Vince could still treat this guy right. And Hooper could find time to get off his lazy ass and put out a post this week, too. Trish Stratus -- When she entered, she was a hot blond with big tits. Now she’s a hot blond with big tits that can actually wrestle a little bit. I’ll give her props on the much improved wrestling ability – but she still has more learning to do. William Regal -- Question: If you want to make one of your hottest stars look as much like shit as possible, who do you have them face? Answer: William Regal. Worst match ever: Big Show vs. Hogan vs. Regal in a Triple Threat with Terri announcing. It’s been fun, Willy, but now here’s the door. Leave the Euro belt on the desk on your way out. X-Pac -- If you don’t know by now how much I hate this guy, then you’ve never read my shit before. X-Pac sucks isn’t just a fun thing to say at a show, it’s my motto in life. When the world is getting me down, I say to myself “At least I’m not X-Pac.” When I’m humpin’ Hooper’s mom, I think to myself “At least it’s not X-Pac.” When I heard young boys were being abused by the Catholic clergy I thought, “When did X-Pac become a priest?” When I see a blown spot, I think “at least it’s not a Bronco Buster.” And now, for two guys not really “listed” as Raw property on WWE.com (but are) The Undertaker and Ric Flair -- These two guys have had great careers. They are icons. They are two of the best ever. A Flair/Undertaker match around 10 years ago would have been orgasmic. The Flair/Undertaker match we saw at WrestleMania sucked. Sadly, this is because Father Time has caught up with these two guys. When you talk about athletic events that require stamina, strength, speed, etc., wrestling comes to mind. I could launch into a whole post about whether or not wrestling is “fake,” but we all know enough of how this business works to appreciate it on a level those who say wrestling is “fake” would never get (and if you happen to be one of those folks, then go back to your Powerpuff Girls board, fan-boy). The greatest thing these two competitors could give the industry now is their legacy. Let someone be known as the guy who forced Ric Flair into retirement. I thought the Nature Boy showed more class by taking the pin for Brock Lesnar on Monday night than Hollywood Hulk Hogan has shown in his life. I still say the classiest exit ever from wrestling came from Mick Foley when he put Triple H over in their Hell in a Cell match. Yes, they ruined it by bringing Mick back for WrestleMania that year, but they kind of had to in order to stack the main event that year (because another Rocky-Triple H battle wasn’t going to go without some kind of gimmick). At the moment, though, that Cactus Jack left the arena bloodied and broken, you just couldn’t help but think “Wow, this guy really passed the torch.” I’m glad to see Flair not afraid to play that role. Here’s hoping Ric finds one more good feud in him to put over one up-and-comer into the main event realm. Brock, Eddie, Benoit, RVD – if Flair’s got it in him, let him do it, then move on. That goes the same for the Undertaker. He’s obviously not as far gone as Hogan or Flair in the ability department and actually makes for a credible champion. However, UT is just a bit beyond the point Foley was when he hung it up – he could have hung on for a spell and let every wrestling fan in the world watch as his abilities slowly wither away, or he could get out while he was still a credible player and retire secure in the notion that he not only left on top, but he left the company – hell , the industry – in better shape than when he came in. Here’s hoping Flair and UT take the high road. If their farewells are (at the latest) at the next WrestleMania (Survivor Series would be better), I’ll be a happy guy. Final Raw consensus -- The major players are, far and away, Eddie, Benoit, Brock and RVD. I’m personally hoping RVD and Brock last through the summer. And I’ve always wanted to see a long feud between Eddie and Benoit. Here’s hoping one of them is wearing the Undisputed Championship before the year is out. Sherlock Edge and Hogan tag-team champs? What the fuck? |