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 Before we get into today’s subject, let me first get some shit off my chest First and foremost, mad props once again to Shaun for yet another kick-ass banner. If the WWE had your creativity, my friend, we’d all be marks instead of smarks. Read Lance Storm’s latest commentary if you don’t get that one. You can find a link to it in Lethal’s uber-cool Fist Farking section. This was the week of shit for me, hence the reason I didn’t weigh in all week on such topics as Jericho or the PTC settlement. My last couple days have gone like this: Wake up around 10 a.m. In to work by 11 a.m. At work until around midnight or 1 a.m. Home for a little R&R, then off to bed As you can see, that’s left little time for much in the way of wrestling, never mind other of life’s little necessities, like pay bills, buying groceries, sex, etc. etc. So before I head off to give Hooper’s mom a little Fourth of July humpin’ (guaranteed to make her see her own fireworks display), let’s get down to today’s topic. Evaluating the Raw roster (part 1) At the risk of sounding too negative and getting a pants-down spanking from Chris Jericho (take that, you Torch pussies), the Raw brand is undergoing some serious growing pains in the wake of Stone Cold Steve Austin’s departure. On a positive note, this means the top spot on this roster is up for grabs, which should make for some interesting TV as we see who truly becomes The Next Big Thing. On that note, let us take a closer, person-by-person look at the Raw roster to determine who should stay, who should go, and who will be the next wrestler to break into the big time. While there are some new guys joining Raw as of late, this analysis was done with the current Raw roster as posted at WWE.com (no link for them until they hire someone who edits their writing better. C’mon guys, be professional). Because I will be breaking down and commentating on about 35 wrestlers, this will be broken into two pieces. Look for the other half sometime when I damn well feel like it. Big Boss Man -- There are two good ways to use this guy, and the WWE is currently doing one of them: Keep him off TV. The other good way would be to give him one more feud against an up-and-comer who could use a win over a solid vet. Personally, I’m all for keeping Boss Man off TV. I still haven’t forgiven him for that feud with the Big Show. I don’t remember what was worse: the matches or the vignettes (like Boss Man breaking it to Show’s mom that she was a slut). Big Show -- Show is a funny mother fucker. Whether it was as Showster, Pimp Show, Shownan the Barbarian, etc., nobody makes me laugh like Show. Hell, even the whole “Crocodile Hunter” bit last week was almost stolen by the big man when he muttered “pancakes” while sleeping. But for as funny as he is out of the ring, he’s terrible in the ring. It’s a good thing he’s in the nWo now, where you don’t have to wrestle to hang around. Booker T -- Fine, I hate to admit, but I’m starting to soften on my Booker-T-must-die stance. He’s still not my favorite, but I’ve learned to accept him. All I had to do was lower my standards. Actually, he isn’t too bad in the ring, plus his face turn has given him the chance to play up the comedy. However, the pregnant pause followed by shouting “Sucka” is going to get old quick. Kind of like how “What?” was cool for a week, then started getting really annoying. Bradshaw -- Here’s a guy who will forever be a mid-carder, and that’s too bad. There’s not a reason in the world to dislike Bradshaw – he’s powerful, has good moves and agility, he can be funny as hell or tough as nails. However, he’s gotten his push, which proved he just didn’t have that elusive “it.” Brock Lesner -- Speaking of “it,” this guy currently looks to be Raw’s No. 1 push, and rightfully so. First, he’s a fresh face, but he’s paired with a familiar guy in Paul Heyman, which doesn’t hurt. Second, he’s got massive ability (just look at the F5, not everyone can pull that off). Third, his rise to King of the Ring has been done almost perfectly: come in, beat a few guys up, never get pinned or submit, steadily move up the ladder. All that’s missing so far are the mic skills, but he’s had limited opportunity with Heyman as his agent (which I love as a throwback to the days of Jimmy Hart, Bobby Heenan, et al). If RVD retains at Vengeance, there’s a good chance Brock’s first title will be the Undisputed crown. Bubba Ray Dudley -- One of Bubba’s best qualities is the fact he has great mic skills but doesn’t need the mic. He’s also not afraid to get his ass kicked (or go through a table), plus he can pull some good moves out of his bag of tricks (who knew he could throw a German suplex?). He’s loveable as a face, bad ass as a heel. Ya, I’m a Bubba mark. You don’t like it? Fuck yourself. And here’s hoping Bubba gets a shot at the IC sometime within the next 12 months. Chris Benoit -- My only complaint about the Canadian Crippler is that I miss his old music, just so I could sing “Chris Benoit is here and he’s really mad. Chris Benoit is here and he’s really angry.” And yes, I used to hate Benoit much the same as I used to hate Booker T. But then Benoit wrestled Austin, and, as my pal Hooper predicted at the time, “only Benoit can drag a good match out of Austin.” Hooper was right, and it was around that time I got on the Crippler’s bandwagon. Of course, 10 German suplexes should win you everyone’s respect. Mark my words – Benoit will be the Undisputed champ within the next year. Chris Nowinski -- I never watched Tough Enough, but the fact he didn’t win and still landed a WWE contract shows he must have something special to him. I like the Harvard gimmick, although it’s not the kind of shtick that will really take a wrestler anywhere. Still, it’s a good start for him. I’m reserving my final judgment, but I will say so far, so good. Crash-- Eternal jobber. ‘Nuff said. D’Lo Brown -- Now this guy should be your Next Big Thing. Heel or face, D’Lo never disappoints. Since returning to the WWE, he’s gotten in better shape, has more and better moves than ever before, still has a great frog splash (that’s the “Low Down” to you, pal), and has proven he’s a decent (and steadily improving) commentator. Well, fuck commentary, let the guy have some damn ring time. Vince took Tazz out of the ring way before his time, now it may be happening to D’Lo. And that saddens me. Eddie Guerrero -- Here’s your poster boy for getting your shit together. He gets hurt, gets fired, gets better, comes back. And he’s better than ever. I’ve always liked Eddie because he’s good in the ring, he can be funny as shit as a face or down right nasty as a heel. I’m really liking his feud with Bubba right now, plus he certainly held his own with RVD during that feud. I’ll take more Eddie any day. Goldust-- At best, Goldust is an adequate wrestler. As a personality, he’s been the best part of Raw for several weeks now. I wasn’t wild about him coming back for the Royal Rumble, but now I don’t believe Raw would be tolerable some times without him. Just no more feuds with RVD, OK? Jackie Gayda -- She don’t look bad in lingerie. Otherwise, the jury is out. We’ll see. Jacqueline -- She can stay, she can go. I have no feeling toward Jacqui either way. Whatever. Jazz -- I would say the same for Jazz as I am for Jacqui, but I’m still waiting to see what kind of cooky, nutty adventures she and Stevie can have when she gets back. I’m holding judgment until then. Jeff Hardy -- I marked out over the Ladder Match with the Undertaker only because I was afraid Russo would talk Vince into putting the belt on Jeff. In all reality, it wasn’t a bad match at all and the feud helped re-establish Jeff as Mr. Extreme. Now the WWE should take it one step further and let Undertaker take Jeff (and maybe Matt, too) under his “learning tree.” Let them become agents of evil for the dead man. The Hardys desperately need a heel turn to shake things up. With Lita gone, it’s the perfect time. They can always turn face again when Lita gets back and revive the whole Team Extreme shit for one more run then. But for now, give us a break from it. Justin Credible -- Lots of potential, incredibly underused. He’s likely never to break free from jobber hell at the rate things are going. That’s too bad. He could be so much more if only Vince could see in him what Paul did. I’m honestly perplexed why he’s not wearing nWo colors. I thought he was down with the Kliq as Aldo Montoya? Consensus of part 1 Brock is the cream of this crop with Benoit and Eddie the close seconds (that’s as of right now, don’t be surprised if Benoit quickly leap frogs Brock once he gets his first feud back under his belt). D’Lo and Credible have some major potential, too, even though it will never be brought out. Next time, it’s on to the second half of the Raw roster. Sherlock Fuck the PTC. |