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 So I’m fucking around at Shooting Star Press the other day when I came across a Hot Jobs link for a writing position with the WWE. While I’m not so naive to think I could actually land the job (I think I’d have a better chance of winning the “I Wanna Go” game at WWE.com), it at least gave me a jumping off point to post a few storyline ideas. And who knows, maybe someone important will see what I’ve written here and sign me up to be part of Stephanie’s team. And maybe I’ll even pull my head out of ass and back into reality. At any rate, here’s my ideas for booking Raw this week ... When we last left the WWE, Jericho had jobbed yet again, plus Stephanie was wondering who in the blue hell was jumping ship. That brings us to Raw ... We get the video montage of Stephanie frantically trying to get in touch with Kurt as it relates to the end of Smackdown! with the billion-dollar princess wondering who the Benedict Arnold is. You get a quick “Who is the new Raw superstar?” from JR as we cut to the opening. Naturally, we don’t wait long to figure out who Bischoff stole as he struts his way to the ring post haste. JR reminds us that we get RVD vs. Benoit tonight, plus the Rock will meet the Undertaker one-on-one for the WWE title in a partial rematch from Vengeance Bischoff: You know, when I took this job, Vince McMahon told me to do one thing. And that was to do everything in my power to put Smackdown! out of business. You see, even though Vince owns both shows, he understands how important competition is. Vince for a long time was the No. 1 man in sports entertainment. Then I, Eric Bischoff, came along. I came THIS CLOSE to putting Vince out of business. But then a funny thing happened. Vince fought back. Soon WCW and the WWE were pulling the kind of ratings networks salivate over. So WCW eventually lost its way – which I had nothing to do with, by the way – (insert a JR “ya, right”) I, Eric Bischoff, was the man responsible for not only making WCW great, I was also responsible for waking up this sleeping giant known as the WWE and forcing it to aspire to a new level of greatness. I, Eric Bischoff, forced a good promoter like Vince McMahon to become a great promoter. He didn’t want to do it. But through competition, through ruthless aggression, I made Vince McMahon. And now, I will try to do the same thing with young Stephanie McMahon. You know Stephanie, taking Brock Lesnar from me was a good move. I should have seen it coming, considering your past with Paul Heyman and all. The move shows that, just as I did with your father, I, Eric Bischoff, am starting to teach you how to compete. Asshole chants begin. But you know, Steph, you still have so much to learn. While you may have signed the next big thing, I’ve signed the biggest superstar in this business, Triple H. The Game’s music hits. Out he comes Bischoff: Triple H, as always it’s good to see you back out here. But I have to ask, where is your manager Shawn Michaels? Both men laugh. Triple H: You know Eric, that’s a great question. I haven’t actually seen Shawn since I pedigreed his ass right in the middle of this very ring last week. BOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Triple H: So I suppose you probably want to know whey I did it. Well, it’s simple. I’m sick of living in the past. You know, Shawn just thinks he can come back out here, join up with the nWo, deliver a few superkicks and not actually have to work for it anymore. Well, I got news for you Shawn – nobody works as hard around here as me. Nobody ever has. While you and Kevin and X-Pac nurse your injuries and piss and moan to get your way, I was the one busting my ass. I was the one making my name the old fashioned way, by working hard. I’ve survived more Hell in a Cell matches than anyone. I’ve had wars with guys like Rock, Undertaker, Angle and even that quitter Austin. I’ve bled for this company. I’ve gone through countless tables, been hit with countless chairs. I’ve ended Mick Foley’s career. I masterminded the scheme that put Stone Cold out for a year. I’ve kicked The Rock’s ass more than anyone. And I even survived my marriage to Stephanie McMahon. I’m a five-time world champ. I’ve done it all. Asshole chants And that’s why, Shawn, you shouldn’t have threatened me. You know, when you had Show, Kevin and X-Pac all watching your back, you seemed pretty tough, telling me to join the nWo or else. But they’re not backing you up now, are they Shawn? So what did you do? You started asking to be my buddy again. Hell, you were even ready to reform DX. But let’s see where that idea got you. TitanTron replays the pedigree Don’t get me wrong, Shawn, DX was fun back in the day. But it’s time to grow up and go forward. It’s time to quit living in the past. The future is now Shawn, and the man who will take us into that future is none other than my new boss – and good friend – Eric Bischoff. Eric: Just to make sure there’s no ugliness tonight, I’ve given Shawn the night off so he has some time to calm down and think about things. And now that’s we’ve got that out of the way, I know what you people are dying to hear about. You want to know who I, Eric Bischoff, has been able to steal from Stephanie McMahon. Would you please welcome, my new assistant and the sexiest of the WWE divas, Ms. Stacy Kiebler. Stacy comes out and takes the mic Stacy: You know, with Mr. McMahon no longer needing my services, I knew I needed to align myself with someone powerful. I don’t have any problems with Stephanie McMahon, but I want to be on the winning team. And nobody is as big of a winner than my new boss, Eric Bischoff. The two embrace. Triple H claps Suddenly, D’Lo Brown’s music hits. Out comes D’Lo with Planet Stasiak in tow. D’Lo: If I may interrupt this little love fest for a minute, I’d like to know where the hell you get off, Eric Bischoff, sending the Island Boys after the two of us last week. Eric starts to speak, but Triple H cuts him off Triple H: A better question is where do you guys get off thinking you can come out and so rudely interrupt us? You guys had your three minutes last week, and frankly, you blew it. In fact, if I were you D’Lo, I’d dedicate myself full time to that announcing gig on Heat, because you don’t have what it takes to be on Raw. Stasiak takes the mic from D’Lo Stasiak: Why don’t you give us a real chance to prove to you just how good we are. Give us the Island Boys tonight. If we don’t get it done, we leave Raw for good. D’Lo gives Stasiak the “Are you fucking crazy” look. Stasiak just nods enthusiastically. Eric: All right boys, you got it. And I hope you enjoy it, because it’s going to be your last match ever on this television show. Bischoff’s music hits with the standard jawing as we go to commercial. First match: Big Show vs. Bubba Ray Dudley. Montage of Show putting Bubba and Spike through a table last week is shown. Show largely dominates this match while Spike comes down and takes off the top turnbuckle pad. Show finally sees Spike and lashes out for him, giving Bubba a chance to recover long enough to mount some offense. It doesn’t last long as Show whips Bubba into the corner with the exposed turnbuckle. Show then runs full-boar at Bubba, but Bubba ducks and Show rams his head into the buckle. Bubba makes the cover and scores the upset as Show is knocked out. Backstage Booker talks with Coach about losing his No. 1 contender’s match for the IC strap. Coach: Booker T, last week you lost a No. 1 contenders match for the Intercontinental Title to Chris Benoit. Let’s take a look at how it happened. Video montage of Booker hitting the buckle then tapping to the crossface Booker: You know, Chris Benoit didn’t beat me – the exposed turnbuckle beat me. So Chris Benoit, I don’t plan to interfere in your match tonight. But if you win, I hope you’re man enough to give me the first title shot next week. And if you lose, I hope you’re man enough to face me again next week, and I hope you’re man enough to try and beat me fair and square. Eddie Guerrero interrupts the interview Eddie (forgive me for not being able to let Eddie sound like Eddie, but I don’t know that much Spanish. He has free reign to improv off this script): Look at you essa. You walk around here calling everyone else a sucka, but Chris Benoit proved the real sucka last week was you. And now you’re all demanding a title shot next week when Benoit wins the strap? I don’t think so essa. Because you not going to make it to next week. That’s because I’m going to kick your ass tonight. Now do you think you can dig that, sucka. Booker: I can dig that. But you should know that your greasy, nasty, ugly, mullet-wearin’ ass that lost big time to the Rock last week is about to get pinned 1-2-3 by the former five-time WCW champion. Now can you dig that ... (wait for it) SUCKAAAAAAAAAAA! Eddie kicks Booker’s ass backstage until Goldust makes the save. Go to commercial. First main event – RVD vs. Benoit. Great highflying match that ends with Benoit getting the DQ when he nails RVD with the belt. Benoit then slaps on the crossface to gain a little more heel heat. Terri tries to interview Undertaker Terri: Undertaker, last week we saw you take out your frustrations on Christopher Nowinski. Now you get a chance to regain the undisputed championship from the Rock. Undertaker: I sure hope Bischoff’s paying you a lot of money for that great insight. Quite frankly, Terri, the match boils down to this: The Rock did not beat me at Vengeance. He beat Kurt Angle. Now, that’s Triple Threat rules, and there’s not much I can do about that. But I can do something tonight, and that’s get my strap back. And not only will I get my strap back, but I’m going to kick the Rock’s ass so bad and mess up that pretty face of his that the only role he’ll be able to get is as an extra whenever a dead body needs to be shown. I hope you enjoyed your time with the title, Rock. Because it’s all over as of tonight. Commercial Stasiak and D’Lo take on the Island Boys. Good back and forth match that eventually sees Triple H come down to interfere and cost D’Lo and Stasiak their slot on Raw. But Shawn Michaels suddenly appears to give Triple H some Sweet Chin Music. With the Island Boys distracted Stasiak slams one of them and then knocks the other out of the ring. D’Lo hits the other with the Low Down frog splash and gets the win. Backstage, Bischoff is irate that Shawn is in the building. He orders Stacy to go find Big Show to eliminate the Shawn Michaels problem. We come back from commercial to find Shawn hopping in a limo and high-tailing it out of Dodge as Show comes running out looking for him. Show smashes something in anger. D’Lo and Stasiak celebrate their win when Stacy finds them. She informs them Eric says they’ll face the Big Show and a partner to be named next week. Both look nervous. Coach will have a word with The Rock when we come back. Back from commercial outside Rock’s dressing room Coach: Rock, you’ve got perhaps one of the biggest matches of your career coming up in a few weeks at SummerSlam against the Next Big Thing, Brock Lesnar. But tonight you’ve got your first title defense against the man who held the Undisputed Championship before you, the Undertaker. Rock: Now, before we get to all of that, I’ve got a question for you, Coach. Do you know why the Rock wanted to win the Undisputed Title so badly, worse than anything in his life? Do ya, Coach? Coach: Because you wanted to prove to the world that you are the best? Rock: Prove to the world that I’m the best? Prove to the world that I’m the best. No, no, Coach. The Rock has already proven that he is the most electrifying man in sports entertainment today. The Rock has already shown, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he is the Great One. No, no, The Rock didn’t need to win the title for that reason Coach. Coach: Well, then, why? Rock: It’s quite simple. You see, the Rock missed hanging out with his good buddy, the Coach. Coach: Really, Rock. Because I missed getting to see you, too. Rock: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You missed the Rock? Coach: Well, ya, I... Rock: Did you miss the Rock because of the way the Rock always makes fun of you? Did you miss the Rock because you missed feeling the electricity? Or did you miss the Rock because you’re a sick freak whose only interest in the Rock is sexual? Coach: No, nothing sexual about it! Rock: You’re saying the Rock isn’t sexy? You’re saying the millions... Crowd: And millions... Rock: ... of the Rock’s female fans don’t think the Rock is a sexy man? You don’t think the women of this arena don’t love the Rock? Coach: Well, ya, I’m sure plenty of people think you’re sexy Rock Rock: Even you, Coach? Coach kind of stammers Rock (giving Coach the boot): Get out of here you sick freak! Crowd cheers Rock: Now, as for the Undertaker and Brock Lesnar – Undertaker, you get the Rock tonight. And it will no doubt be one hell of a match, just like it is every time the Dead Man goes one on one with the Great One. You see, Undertaker, nobody respects you more than the Rock. In over a decade of destruction you’ve done it all. You’ve been the WWE champion, hell, you and the Rock were even tag team champions once. But what it comes do to Undertaker, is this: The Rock has a date with destiny. The Rock has a date at Summerslam with The Next Big Thing Brock Lesnar, the 2002 King of the Ring. You know, Brock Lesnar, you’ve earned some impressive wins. You’ve beaten Rob Van Dam, Ric Flair, Tommy Dreamer in a Singapore Cane match without using the cane. And now you want a piece of the Rock? Well the Rock says this: Brock Lesnar, bring your little monkey boy Paul Heyman to ringside because I want him to see what happens when the Rock whups your candy ass all over Summerslam. And when it’s all said and done Brock Lesnar, you’ll realize that while you may indeed be the next big thing, the Rock is still the current big thing, the Rock is still the Great One, the Rock is still the most electrifying man in sports entertainment today, if ya smeeeeeeeeelllll what the Rock is cookin’. Commercial Booker vs. Eddie – Eddie takes the win when he grabs Booker’s tights in a rollup Cut to Undertaker and Rock getting ready for the main event, which is next Undertaker vs. Rock – Rock retains the title after a number of false finishes. To give Undertaker some cred, Rock has to hit him with two Rock Bottoms to get the pinfall and the win. Show closes with Rock celebrating. Sherlock Congratulations on getting through such a long post |