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 Somewhere in the near future on a late-night infomercial... Announcer: He’s been a staple of wrestling for years. You first met him as Diesel during his first run with the World Wrestling Federation. You later came to love him as a WCW superstar and a member of the most feared wrestling stable of all time, the New World Order. And now he’s back with the WWF, he’s Kevin Nash. (Nash hobbles out on crutches and sits in a leather recliner) Nash: Hi, I’m Kevin Nash, otherwise known as Big Sexy to millions of wrestling fans the world over. You know, I’ve made a career out of being lazy, whiny, and just plain shitty. I light up wrestling boards all across the Internet with my incompetence. And, best of all, I’m a millionaire many times over. How do I do it? Well, if you order my new series of tapes, you too can learn how to bilk millions from the wrestling industry without ever having to do much actual work. (Studio audience applauds) Nash: But don’t just take it from me, check out these testimonials. (Cut to guy obviously dressed as a construction worker, but he’s sitting on a lawn chair in front of a construction site) Construction guy: You know, when the anvil came down on my hand, I thought I’d be able to recover fairly quickly. Then I ordered Big Sexy’s tapes. That’s when I realized, Hey, I don’t have to recover quickly. After all, if I nurse this injury, I still get paid and I don’t have to do anything. Why would I want to be productive anyway? It’s not like they really need me to hurry and build this homeless shelter. After all, those bums can spend a few more days on the street, right? I’ve got to look out for No. 1, after all. And that’s the first lesson I learned from Kevin Nash – always take care of yourself. (Cut back to Nash, who is now enjoying a beer) Nash: That’s right, you should always look out for No. 1, even if some rich billionaire is paying you millions to entertain a legion of loyal fans. If you can just hang out on the sidelines, isn’t that better than breaking a sweat? Audience (prompted by off-camera teleprompter): You bet it is! Nash: Now let’s bring out our first guest. You may remember him as the other half of the Outsiders, here he is, the Bad Guy, Scott Hall. (Hall stumbles out unshaven and drunk with a bottle wrapped in a paper bag in one hand. His other hand is down his pants) Nash: Scott, good to see you man. Hall: Good to be here. Got any booze? Nash: Now, as you can see, Scott here is a raging drunk. Hall (growing belligerent): I said, GOT ANY BOOZE? Nash: Scott at one point was perhaps one of the greatest this business has ever seen. His matches with Shawn Michaels are perhaps some of the best this industry has ever seen. Hall: You don’t know me (*hic*) Nash: And now he does what he wants to do, which is ... Hall: GETTIN’ LOADED! Nash: All because he followed Rule No. 2: Make rich guys believe in you. Hall: Vince believed in me, Uncle Eric believed in me, even Paul Heyman gave me a chance in ECW. Nash: And because of that, you earned millions based on potential, even though all you’ve done for the last several years is what? Hall: DRINK! And I’ll drink to that! Nash: Thanks for stopping by buddy. You are a true inspiration. Hall (standing up to leave): You want to make something of it? I’ll meet you in the back. (he exits). Nash: Of course, you can’t live forever on Vince’s money after you’ve been canned. Fortunately, Scott has a back-up plan. Her name is Hooper’s mom. But for those of us who aren’t raging alcoholics, there is a way to stay on the roster without ever rising to the top. And discussing that with us is my next guest, X-Pac. (Nash takes down his pants and squeezes out a greasy little shit. The shit grabs a bandana from Nash’s back pocket as it falls down.) Nash: Welcome, Kid. Now, you’ve been part of the WWF and WCW for years now. At one point the entire cruiserweight division revolved around you. You’ve been given your own stable. And you’ve done it all without a lick of talent, not to mention a chronic neck injury. What’s your secret? X-Pac: Simple Kev, and it’s actually Rule No. 3: Let your friends pull clout for you. The fact that you’ve always been able to wrap the boss around your finger has meant good things for me. And it doesn’t hurt that my buddy Triple H is porking the boss’s daughter. Nash: And even lately you’ve been able to be an asshole in the locker room without any of the repercussions that should have come your way, like a suspension. X-Pac: Actually, thanks to all the pull my friends have, I can be the biggest asshole in the locker room and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. Nash: In fact, we’ve even been able to use our clout to add even more clout when we brought HBK Shawn Michaels back. X-Pac: Indeed. I know that with Triple H, you and Shawn all around, I’ll never have to worry about getting fired. I can be a big prick without losing TV time or getting fined. And if I ever need some time off, I can always rely on the old neck injury to buy me the time I need. Nash: Thanks for stopping by tonight, Kid. And now, before we give you the ordering information for my new series on how to never work but still make millions, let’s bring out the antithesis of this group, Triple H. HHH: Kevin, it’s good to be here. Nash: Thanks for coming out man. Now, I know you’re big on the whole performing thing. In fact, you’re the opposite of my lazy ass. HHH: Thank you. Nash: But, I brought you out here tonight to thank you. Thank you for showing me how I could so easily tear my quad. I just bought myself at least six months of doing nothing, and all on Vince’s dime. Heck, I bet I can stretch it to a year by being a lazy, fat piece of shit. HHH: Anything for a pal. Enjoy your time off. In the interim, I’ll be sure to do less of the good ring work I used to do and more of the static, dull shit I’ve been doing since I came back as a face. And I have you to thank for reminding me how easy it is to coast. Kevin: Let’s just hope they don’t turn you heel again. You actually have to work. (Both laugh) Nash: I’d like to thank all my guests tonight. And now, here’s where you can order my new series of tapes. And remember, any sucker can work – it takes creativity to sponge off two companies for years at a time. Good night. (Cut to commercial within the infomercial). Sherlock Shawn Michaels refused to appear for this post due to religious reasons |