The WWF does a lot of stupid things, and the vigilant, never-tiring members of the internet wrestling community are quick to lambaste them for their wrongdoings. And let’s not kid ourselves, we do a damn fine job of it. It’s fun to second-guess the WWF creative team, road agents and a certain Vice President of Talent Relations, known in some circles as “The guy who’s going to lose his job to Johnny Ace.”

But that’s not why I’m here today. Don’t get me wrong, I can sling shit with the best of them, and I love to play armchair booker as much as the next wrestling dork, but today, I am here to sing the praises of the WWF for doing the smartest thing they’ve done in the history of sports entertainment- kicking the overpushed waste of oxygen known as X-Pac to the curb.

I humbly prostrate myself before the altar of JR, to thank him and bear offerings in honor of this, his wisest of decisions. Thank you JR! Thank you a thousand times!

This is almost enough to make me forget what a horrible commentator you tend to be these days. This is almost enough to make me forget that you now rival Tony Shiavonne as the worst company shill in the history of time. This is almost enough to make me forget that you consistently rip your most talented performers a new asshole in the Ross Report. Almost.

But I won’t dwell on my negative thoughts. I humbly approach your altar once again JR. Please accept these gifts of a slaughtered lamb, a Midori Sour and my first born son. You have proven to be a wise and benevolent Vice President of Talent Relations. Shalom! (or something like that)

For those of you who are wondering what X-Pac is up to these days, I have exclusive updates on X-Pac’s current whereabouts and have scored interviews with some of his closest friends.

X-Pac has returned to his hometown and taken up residence in his grandmother’s basement. His grandmother (shown below) is said to be thrilled to have X-Pac back under her wing.

“I’m so glad to have X-Pac home again. It’s nice to have someone around the house to take the garbage out and clean up the yard after Butchie makes a pile. It’s much better for him to be here with me than with his old friends, especially that Scott Hall fellow. He spent the night at my house once, and he keyed my car, fondled my breast and drank all of my perfume after everyone else fell asleep”

Undaunted by his release from the WWF, X-Pac quickly secured new employment.

In this exclusive photo, we see X-Pac at his new job as an Assistant Breakfast Supervisor at the local McDonald’s. X-Pac is said to be a fast learner and unnamed sources within the restaurant confirm that he may be next in line for a promotion to Assistant Lunch Supervisor.

X-Pac is also active at his local church, where he is paying his dues as an altar server at the 8:00 Sunday church services. X-Pac is said to be excited to be wearing a gown in public, as well as his newfound friendship with a plethora of young boys. Unnamed sources within the church have divulged that X-Pac may soon be promoted to the 10:00 Sunday services. The stars are surely shining bright for this young go-getter!

X-pac’s involvement with the church initially led to a 78% decrease in church attendance, until two seraphim were spotted over the church delivering this sacred message from the heavens:

Since the sighting of heavenly messengers, church attendance has returned to normal. Reports of statues crying blood and shooting crotch chops at parishioners remain unconfirmed as of press time.

As Lethal’s resident roving reporter, I recently spoke to some of X-Pac’s closest friends and confidantes to get their reaction to the news of his WWF release.

Kevin Nash had this to say: “It’s a real shame about X-Pac. I’d like to take some time to visit him, but I’m still rehabbing from the surgery that replaced my injured legs with gigantic strands of wet spaghetti.”

Dr. Phil, X-Pac’s therapist, had this to add: “X-Pac needs to maintain a positive attitude as he moves forward into the next chapter of his life. Remaining focused on his long-term goals will carry X-Pac to an entirely new level of success and prosperity. He also needs to stop sucking.”

I also spoke with Barney the dinosaur, who wrestled briefly in the GWF, tagging with X-Pac as one half of “The Skinny, Untalented Teenager and Foam Dinosaur Connection.”

I’m happy that bad karma finally caught up with that little prick. He ripped off my patented crotch chops back in the late 80’s, prematurely ending my wrestling career. Do you think I wanted to be on a kids television show on PBS? Fuck no! Half of those kids are too stupid to learn the lyrics to a 13-word song, and I’m not even allowed to eat them! Who thought of putting a T-Rex on TV surrounded by kids anyway? I’m a carnivore! I eat MEAT, people. Anyway, it’s about time that mousy little bastard got his. Suck this big purple dino dick, you greasy little bitch.”

I realized that all of the mean things Barney said may have made X-Pac sad,

DRAMATIZATION

So I went to the local bakery and had a very special cake made for him:

When I realized that I couldn’t fit everything I wanted to say on the first cake, I went back to the bakery and bought a second cake:

Then I realized that the whole cake idea was starting to lose steam, so I switched back to the live feed of crotch-chopping Barney to end this mess on a positive note.

FIN

NormanB
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