|
|
They say the first time is the worst time, and that might just be true in this case. In light of the week-long vacation of resident RAW Recapper TUS, I will be taking a crack at recapping last night's And so it begins... with a match? A women's match to boot. And not a bad one either. New chick champ Trish vs. Molly "I've been wearing the same ring gear for 8 months" Holly and Vic"whoamIagain"toria. Oodles of predictable heel double teams. Poor victimized Trish. Molly hits a blistering double handspring elbow on Trish. Probably the best move I've ever seen her pull off. Really nice looking. Trish takes a wicked bump after being cast out of the ring and landing hard on her ass. Victoria and Molly smack each other around, then Trish sneaks back in to grab a quick win. Oddly enough, Triple H didn't see fit to interfere in this match or make the women leave the ring so he could cut a 20-minute promo. Nice little opener. We cut to the back, where Booker T and Goldust are showing off the video of Rikishi in drag placing his ass on Eric B's face. Bubba Ray and Steven Richards are sitting right next to each other sharing a good laugh. Weren't they beating the piss out of each other a week or two ago? Way to pay attention to the details, WWF writing team. Anyway, Rico shows up, threatens to tell Eric B, then leaves, bringing the segment to a timely close. No sign of Triple H yet. I wonder if he missed his flight. Commercials. This is Mike. This is Mike's big bag of pot. This is Mike's dealer. This is Mike's dealer's cartel. This is the family who was shot and raped and stabbed and burnt and murdered and killed by Mike's dealer's cartel. You know what? Mike doesn't care, because he has the big bag of pot to keep him smiling. Oh no! Another Smackdown jumper! Maybe it's Triple H! Eric B heads to the ring. He's ranting about trades and brand jumps. Whatever. The writers will conveniently forget their own stipulations in a week anyway, so why even bother wasting the energy to type them into this recap. Eric calls out Booker T to chastise him for showing the stinkface video. Booker cracks a few jokes. Realizing that he is "getting over" with the crowd, he turns and looks to the Titantron, waiting for Triple H to come to the ring and "bury his character." Strangely enough, Triple H is nowhere to be found. One can only assume at this point that he is dead. Booker says more funny things to Eric B until the Island Boys come out and dish out some Samoan justice to Book. Rico is involved as well. Goldust quickly makes his way to the ring to make the Island Boys look good. Eric B, Rico, Rosie and Jamal hold up four fingers and proclaim themselves THE NEW FOUR HORSEMEN.* Commercials. Take Stacker 2 if you're fat, and then you can look svelte like Bubba Ray Dudley! We're back from commercials as THE NEW FOUR HORSEMEN* celebrate their success. Jericho comes to Eric B, looking for a match against Goldust because he said bad things about Fozzy. Eric B makes the match, and puts Jericho's IC title on the line. Jericho fumes, but leaves because he fears the power of THE NEW FOUR HORSEMEN.* We cut to the ring for a stellar match between Jeff Hardy and Big Show. Show has no trouble putting away Jeff, who is only slightly bigger than the beef and bean burrito he put away for lunch. Typical RAW filler. I have to question the wisdom of showing this match, when we could have instead seen a 20-minute Triple H promo. Harvard Chris is shown in a pre-taped Dean Douglas-esque segment designed to incite the rage of Tommy Dreamer. Somewhere in America, Shane Douglas sits on his couch and cries, pausing only to figure out how he can blame this most recent betrayal on Scott Hall and Shawn Michaels. Commercials. CSI: The First Season. Only on the newest newly new most new TNN. Home of perpetual logo and tagline changes! Tommy Dreamer arrives to defends Shane's honor, and beats the holy living fuck out of Harvard Chris. Chris takes a brutal cane shot to the face. Tommy also utilizes the blackboard and the wall to break in young Chris. I wub oo Tommy. Never let the hardcore style die. JR will be introducing us to the newest RAW star right after these... Commercials. Drugs are bad! Here's Stacy. She used to be a nice girl, now she'll suck your dick for a joint. Shame Stacy! Shame! (Somebody get me her beeper number.) Ladies and gentlemen, it's your newest RAW superstar... Randy Orton! Did JR really need to waddle to the ring just for that? And Randy's sacrificial lamb for the night is... Steven Richards! Quick match. Richards lays down for the new guy, and we cut to the back as Ric Flair heads for the ring. He must be coming to announce the untimely passing of Triple H, who hasn't managed to hog any camera time yet.
WWF Union Underground takes the stage!!!!!!! I head outside to take a piss off my back porch. Nothing feels better than the cool caress of an Autumn breeze on your wang. Aaaah. If only for those few short moments, life is good. Anyway... Flair makes his way to the ring and preaches the gospel of H. RVD arrives in the arena, wearing DDP's rib bandages. He comes to the ring to confront Flair, but fortunately, after at least 45 minutes away from the camera, TRIPLE H MAKES HIS TRIUMPHANT RETURN TO RAW to beat the hell out of RVD. Bubba Ray Dudley (with chair-swingin' action) breaks up the nonsense and Triple H and Flair head for higher ground. As soon as the segment ends, Stephanie makes sure the WWF production crew jumps to work on producing a brand new Triple H "Desire" video package for next week. Commercials. The new TNN: did we mention CSI is on after RAW? Coach interviews Bubba. Bubba screams "This is not the Triple H show," immediately making him my second-favorite wrestler of all time, behind only the Big Bossman. RVD shows up, agrees and encourages Bubba to join him in kicking Flair and Triple H's asses. Eric B stops them in the hall and makes a tag match for tonight. The plot thickens. Cut to the ring. Jericho vs. Goldust. Jericho wins with a missile dropkick from the top. That's all the energy I feel like investing in this average match. Maybe Jericho will get pissed and quit the internet again. Kane and a mystery partner get a shot at the tag belts, right after these... Commercials. Please stay and watch CSI. Please. We're back, and so are those wacky Unamericans, who will be defending their belts against Kane and a mystery partner. Here comes Kane, strutting his big red ass all over the ring. And his partner... Stand back! There's a cruiserweight with green hair and a speech impediment coming through! Wow. That whole "no more show jumping" thing lasted about 40 minutes before they forgot about it. Well done. Kane and 'Cane pick up the win and the belts after a double chokeslam. Looks like some feisty Canadians are being punished for not getting their hair cut. As the new champs celebrate, we cut to... Commercials. Somewhere in America, a tear gently cascades down X-Pac's cheek, as he thinks about Kane winning the belts with his new "little buddy." We're back, and Terri is interviewing little Cane. Blah blah blah, Hurricycle. Blah blah blah, sidekick. Kane storms into the picture, and for reasons that I will never understand, kisses Terri on the lips. If you recorded the show, play the tape back frame by frame and you can actually see the herpes and a myriad of other sexually transmitted diseases leaping from Terri's mouth and into Kane's. Poor Kane will have a cold sore the size of Texas next week, and we'll all know why. Coach interviews the Unamericans. Lance and Christian whine while Test hides the his bitch-titty surgery scars under a t-shirt. Regal drags the whole lot of them away to save what shreds of dignity they have left. We head back to the ring to see Booker squash Rico in mid-80s WWF Superstars fashion. The Island Boys rush the ring and beat Booker around. Goldust runs to the ring to join in the fun. After dispatching BookDust, Rico and the Island Boys once again raise four fingers in the air to reinforce the fact that they are indeed THE NEW FOUR HORSEMEN.* Commercials. TNN. Now with 80% more CSI commercials! My gawd, is it time for the main event yet? This recapping shit takes more time than I thought. Booker T and Goldust are being helped to the back when they bump into Eric B. Eric makes a tag match for next week with BookDust against Rosie and Jamal, one half of THE NEW FOUR HORSEMEN.* Main event is next, right after these... Commercials. If you don't stay here and watch CSI, the new TNN will send someone to kill your dog! Main event time! Flair/Triple H vs. Bubba/RVD. Gee, I wonder who's going to get pinned in this one? Cough /Bubba/ cough. Triple H and Flair pick up the win when Bubba counts the lights for Flair. Big shocker there. After the match, Triple H goes for the spongehammer, but Bubba hits the ballbuster and tries to put him through a table. He fucks up the move big time, splatting Triple H on the corner of the table and officially passing the Big Bossman to become my favorite wrestler of all time. In a perfect world, Triple H would be injured and out for another 8 months, but it looks like he's OK as RVD plows into him to close the show. I'm sure Bubba will be severely punished for messing up the Triple H table shot, but it was still the highlight of the show for me. I guess that makes me a sadistic prick. In other news, the sun is scheduled to rise tomorrow. Quick shoutouts (tell me I didn't just say that...) to new Lethal readers John and Roger who e-mailed me a while back. Tell your friends. Free beer and slutty chicks at Lethal. * Rosie, Jamal, Rico and Eric B are not THE NEW FOUR HORSEMEN. I just like typing that. Everybody pray that TUS comes back next week.
NormanB
|